Advice Column: Sausage for Flapjacks?

Dear J-Wunder,

I have an issue that I need your help resolving. I'm a single female in my late twenties, relatively attractive, smart, funny, yada, yada... And I've dated my fair share of d-bags over the years. You know the types: the asshole d-bags, the immature d-bags, the emotionally disturbed d-bags, the attached d-bags, etc. Ok, you get the picture.

So, the dilemma. In the recent months men have joked with me and referred to me as a lesbian. I'm not just talking one or two or ten times. I mean, all.the.fucking.time. I get it, I'm single and in my late twenties, but when in the fuck does that give me an automatic spinster or lesbian verdict??

Anyway, J, I need some help with this.

Sincerely,
I Dig Dick Only



Dear I Dig Dick Only,

From fucking like a dog in heat, to flickin' your bead like you're playing a game of marbles...you my friend, have a real fucking dilemma on your hands. Now, I could totally go off course and say that you love to munch box, but with a signature like "I Dig Dick Only," that tells me right from the get-go, you love to make that cock rise, nice and high. I know, dick does your body good, right? I get it. No switch hitting for you.

So the question we need to answer is, what's up with people assuming you are replacing sausage for flapjacks? And upon further review, here are my findings:

1) The Call-Out

To me, men love chicks that dig other chicks. You need to understand when men are calling you "The Master of the Scissor Lock," they aren't actually calling you a lesbian, but a woman that could possibly be bi-sexual. Shit, they WANT you to be bi-sexual. They beg for that shit. For the simple fact that they might have an opportunity for you to get drunk one night so their fantasy of the 2 girl-1 guy threesome can come true.

It's almost like they are calling out a dare. A dare for you to say, "Just because I may hook up with a girl, doesn't make me a lesbo. I'll make out with her and fuck you at the same time right now. Lets do this." Game.Set.Match. Don't get caught in this trap unless, well, you want to get your vagina rammed by Long Duck Dong and your asshole tickled by Tits Magee.  Who knows, you might just like it, and find being bi-sexual fun and exhilarating.

2) Prove Your Case

You probably been boning dudes for years now. Unfortunately, those dudes you were smashing, just so happened to be d-bags, and it has left you fuckless for a while. You know it, and your friends know it too.

The problem is, if you aren't seen with a guy for quite some time, you are left to be labeled as a lesbian. Now what you don't know is that your friends know you don't want to feast on the hatchet wound...it's obvious from the conversations they overhear (about you wanting to fuck that guy across the bar but he looks too wasted to get a hard-on). They understand you love cock and you'll do whatever it takes to get a decent one inside your vagina again. The funny thing is, you are striking out, due to bad luck so they keep making this notion that you love the camel toe.

While this upsets you, it plays into their hands. It plays into their hands so much that when you say, "I'M NOT A FUCKING LESBIAN. WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE TO PROVE THAT TO YOU?!" Bingo. The.Magic.Words. 10 out of 10 times, men will ask you to fuck them to prove you still love cock. You probably are thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not.  I have tried this very maneuver back in my college days, and have succeeded.  TWICE.

Studies have shown somewhere (in Fresno, I think), chicks that are backed into a corner with something left to prove, will prove it...beyond any means necessary. Otherwise, they will just look like an ass and be what was assumed in the first place - in your case, a lesbian.  Now if you choose to prove your non-lesbianism to these people you call a friend(s), this can be a good and/or bad. Good because you proved them wrong that you're not a lesbo and you still love to fuck guys. Bad that you proved them wrong but you ended up contracting herpes because you were in such a rush to fuck a guy, that Peter over here, forgot to wrap his willy knowing he's been pissing flames for the past month. Peer pressure fucking sucks sometimes huh?

So there you have it. Two unique reasons why men are calling you a flapjack lover. You're attractive, young and love to ride the the bologna pony. They know that and are taunting you because they want that. Now it's up to you to do one of three things:

1) Fuck somebody. Fast.

2) Get lured into one of the two choices stated above.

3) Be a fucking lesbian. Maybe cock really isn't your thing.


Mission Accomplished,

J-Wunder