Rules for when Approached by a Cougar

Special Guest Contributor: A Fort 4 Spitfyre

I live in the motherfucking tundra/wasteland of Iowa. If you’ve never been to Iowa, let me describe it to you. Oh, look a cornfield. A tractor. Hey, look, more flat land. Oh, ah, another fucking cornfield. Well, unbeknowst to me, there is a dangerous thing on the loose in Iowa. A cougar (or mountain lion) was spotted in my little area of the world. Now, let me explain to you. I wasn’t kidding about the flat lands here. Cougars are not normally found in this area. And, there are no photographs of the said cougar or mountain lion or whatever the fuck you want to call it. So, I think that since some people in Iowa (at least many that I have had the opportunity of meeting – no, I’m not originally from here) are not the smartest apples in the barrel, they heard someone talking about a COUGAR. You know, the “older” women that prey on younger men for meaningless sex? Our local newspaper ran an article on what to do if a cougar attacks. I think it was appropriate and I’m certain that the cougars they were referring to walk on two legs and not four. So, here are some safety tips to help a fella out if he should be approached by a cougar.

Never approach a cougar. Although cougars will normally avoid a confrontation, all cougars are unpredictable. Cougars feeding on a kill may be dangerous.

Well, duh, dumbasses. Of course a cougar that is feeding is going to be dangerous. That bitch worked all night on finding the right schmuck to bring into her lair. She is going to be unpredictable because her attention is not fully on the hunt. She’s trying to remember if her son was friends with you in high school and if the two of you still have contact. Let her approach you. She will. And, if she doesn’t, it is probably because she figured out that you were her son’s best friend from the lacrosse team or you fucked her daughter. This is not the Penthouse Forum here fellows. More than likely, you aren’t getting a three-some with her daughter.

Always give a cougar an avenue of escape.

Most bars/clubs are dark enough that you can barely see your own two feet. And, remember, these are females that are older. You know when you are older, your shall we say, “facilities”, tend to work a little differently. This is in case the vision of the cougar is blurred through older “facilities” or alcohol. In the event that she has mistaken you for not being the guy that deflowered her precious Jenny on prom night, let her escape gracefully and save both of you some awkward conversation.

Stay calm. Talk to the cougar in a confident voice.

This crazy ass bitch has already raised her children and isn’t looking for more to raise. So, your squeaky pre-adolescent voice is only going to cause her to go the other direction. Speak confidently and clearly, for as I have already mentioned, her “facilities” may be failing and factored in with the music and background chatter, her bell-tone may not be picking up what you are saying with clarity.

Pick all children up off the ground immediately. Children frighten easily and their rapid movements may provoke an attack.

This is a deal breaker here fellows. If a cougar approaches you when your children are with you, one of two things are happening: She is a psychotic, crazy ass bitch who is not above bringing your children into this and do you really want to explain why you’re kissing and fondling someone else’s “Grandma”? Or, the second thing to beware of, when women reach a certain age, they tend to go into “Grandma” mode without provocation. This, unless you are into some kinky shit, will certainly kill the mood. Your boner and meaningless sex have both went out the window. Now, quit imagining your grandmother having sex at this point. Follow along.

Do not run. Try to back away from the cougar slowly. Sudden movement or flight may trigger an instinctive attack.

If your cougar has chosen you as her prey, you fate is pretty much sealed. Trying to run or escape after you get to her place is just not an option. Because let’s face it, if you are dating cougars, or even considering it, you don’t get to turn back once you’ve entered her “lair.” She is going to eat you up like a tasty little deer, my dear. If you have went this far into it, all hope is lost of being able to change your mind.

Do not turn your back on the cougar. Face the cougar and remain upright.

We have already discussed the change in “facilities” but I wouldn’t count on it. Remember, this bitch has been around. She may be into some kinky shit. More than likely, she has been married before and done her years of laying there and waiting for him to get his and going without hers. Years of sexual frustration and retention here. She is more than likely tired of doing is missionary style. So, unless you want to be handcuffed and dressed in a bonnet with a diaper, DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK. Dude, seriously, I cannot stress this point enough. This is playing with some dangerous shit. And, remain upright until she tells you it is time to go “downright.” You have entered her lair and you are subject to her rules.

Do all you can to enlarge your image. Don’t crouch down or try to hide. Pick up sticks or branches and wave them about.

All in all, this is pretty good advice for any one-night stand. Because bitches talk. They talk a lot. Enlarging your image aka penis or being known as “the asshole who I picked out of the herd that couldn’t even get it up” really isn’t how you want to be known, is it? Also, she has been wining and dining you and now that you have gotten back to her lair, you'd better be able to make good on the promises that she has you making to her. The picking up sticks and branches will probably only be applicable if you are dating the freaky cougar who likes the kinky stuff. Hiding, again, at this point is not an option. She’s probably already set her alarm system and locks that resemble a bank vault so you don’t escape.

Dealing with cougars is serious and they should be approached with caution. If you find yourself in contact with a cougar, these simple safety tips should help. If not, don’t say that you weren’t warned.