Saturday, January 28, 2012

Drunk, Lost, Shoeless and a Night in Jail - Part 2

Missed Part 1? Click here to read it NOW - Drunk, Lost, Shoeless and a Night in Jail - PART 1


Two cops draw their taser guns as I look up, shoes on fists, cock in dudes face.


Scared as fuck, I raise my hands up when all of the sudden...

Cops: "Are you shitting me?" *chuckles*

The officers come closer as one cop says to his partner, "Does that guy have shoes on his fucking hands?" The other officer trying to hold in his fucking laugh says, "Yeah. This gentleman sure does."

Cops: "Both of you...lie down face first. Hands on the ground."

There I am...arms in the air with my mother fucking shoes attached to my fists basically face fucking the guy I just beat up...wondering what the fuck just happened and how the FUCK am I going to talk myself out of this goddamn mess. I lie still on my hands and do exactly what the officers ask me to do.

JW: "Officers, I can explain."

Cops: "You can, huh? This should be insightful."

Face on the still on my hands AND backpack still on my back I respond:

JW: "It's not what it looks like. See, I'm drunk. I had too much to drink and got on BART. I missed my stop and woke up with my shoes missing. I saw this guy run out of the train so I chased him. Then, as I was trying to chase him after I Facebooked what happened..."

Cops: "Wait son...did you just say you Facebooked what happened?"

JW: "I swear to my fucking mom I Facebooked what happened. I'd show you exactly what I wrote, but my phone's about to die. Can I please tell you what happened officers?"

Cops: "Sir, I don't know who you're trying to fool, but go on."

JW: "Ok, so after I Facebooked that my shoes were stolen, a bum approached me and offered me to fuck him in the butt if he could borrow my phone. I said no, then he proceeded to offer me oral pleasures and a handjob because he was desperate to call Tucson, AZ. I know it sounds crazy officers, but I'm not joking. I was minding my own goddamn business and all this happened. I don't want to go to jail. I just want to eat a fucking sandwich and go the hell home. That's all I want."

Cops: "So you're gonna look us dead in the face, say your shoes were stolen, you Facebooked the situation that occurred, then a homeless man solicited prostitution to you for a phone call to Tucson, AZ? Son, this isn't a game we're playing right now. There's about to be some serious consequences if you are not telling us the truth right now."

JW: "Yes...I know it sounds like some weird shit you would see on late night tv, but why would I lie? No one makes this up. I mean, why the fuck would I have shoes on my hands, right?"

Cops: "Sir, please step to the side..."

This whole time, my shoes are still on my hands, backpack still strapped on extra tight, the dude I beat up is either asleep face down, or in a goddamn coma, and the two cops who listened to this magical fucking fantasy are looking at me as if I snorted 23 pounds of Columbia's finest to come up with some bullshit story like the one I just spouted off for 10 fucking minutes...with a straight fucking face...all jittery like a crackhead looking to get his last fix. The thing was, I wasn't lying. Shit like this only happens to me folks. True story. Can't wait to see the goddamn police report on this one.

So what the fuck was I supposed to do? Lie? It was at that moment in time that I had to say, "Fuck it. Should I just ask the cops if I'm going to jail if they could at least take me to mother fucking Denny's?" The way this mother fucking night was going, I didn't have the balls to say fucking shit. I kept my mouth still locked onto my fists. Looking like a broke ass version of Edward Scissor Hands. Looking all sad. Like a straight up fucking bitch. THEN...the bum that offered me sex shows up around the corner...*cue church music*

Bum: "Excuse me fine gentlemen...can I speak with you fine sirs of the law?"

I shit you not, this mother fucking bum said that to these coppers. He had to be as fucked up as I was.

Bum: "The young man with the shoes on his hands got those very shoes stolen by that gentleman who looks dead on the ground."

Cops: "Sir, are you telling us the truth? You know we can charge this man for assault for what he has done. The gentleman who you are defending...did you offer him sexual pleasures to use his phone?"

Bum: "Ashamed as I am to say it...yes, I did offer him to do me prison style for a quick chat on his cellular telephone. I also offered to go down on his penis as well as a reach-around. I am embarrassed officers but yes, that is what happened. Am I going to jail?"

Cops: "Excuse me?"

Bum: "I am no prostituter officers. I am just a homeless man trying to make a call and am very desperate. This young man is not at fault. I saw the whole thing. Those shoes you see on his hands are his. The thug lying down stole them. The real perp is the man you see with shoe marks on his face. Is that boy dead?"

While this conversation is going on, I stand to the side, while these two cops are trying not to fucking laugh because honestly, who the FUCK would believe this? Who? Meanwhile...the guy that I fought, I really think that dude is in a fucking coma. He hasn't been spoken too for his side of the story. Hell, the dude hasn't said shit since we had to put our fucking hands up. Jesus fucking Christ...this is the kinda shit you might see on the Lifetime Channel if they made it for males.

The two cops look around as if they were on Punk'd. Confused and baffled, they have a side-bar to discuss whatever the fuck they were discussing. I turned to the bum and gave him this look. A look that said, "Thanks man" but also, "Bro, you really offered me, to fuck you in your dirty asshole, suck my cock and jerk me off for a 10 minute convo to Tucson, Ari-fucking-zona?!" As fucked up as that was, he was my only chance of getting out alive. Shit, out of an assault charge at least. And for some strange reason, that dude that stole my shoes...he said nothing to defend himself. Probably because his ass fell asleep. The cops come back...

Cops: "I don't know if this is some sick joke BUT based on what we've been told, we're gonna have to take you in and charge you for Disorderly Conduct/Drunk in Public."

JW: "Wait, but I didn't do anything."

Cops: "Sir, you see that man lying down?"

JW: "Yeah."

Cops: "We caught you assaulting him with your shoes. I'm sure he didn't get those marks on his face by falling."

JW: "Disorderly Conduct and being wasted it is then. Can I put my shoes back on?" My socks are all fucking wet."

Cops: "Do what you need to do but we are taking you in. And as for you sir (looks at the bum)...please go to a shelter and try to get your life back together. You shouldn't at any time in your life, have to be so desperate to pleasure another human being so you can use the phone for 10 minutes. That's not necessary. Have more respect for yourself, got it?"

Bum: "Thank you sir. I will do that. Can I leave now?"

Cops: "After we take down the rest of your information you can."

The night ended with me in cuffs headed to the drunk tank...paramedics arriving to the scene to tend to the perp who stole my fucking shoes...and the bum, yes, the fucking bum, saving the goddamn day. Well, at least saving me from getting charged with assault. How that happened, I have no clue. But as for the other guy, I think they charged him with theft or some shit like that. In any case, I got off with a slap on the wrist.

This was another night that I thought, "Man, why? Why the fuck does shit like this ALWAYS happen to me?" Hell, I'll never fucking know. But it made for a great fucking story to tell, right? Ya know...if it wasn't for that bum stopping me dead in my tracks, offering me butt sex, a hum-dinger and a reach-around, I have no clue "what could have been".  You saved my ass, buddy. And if I ever see you again, I won't fuck you...but I'll sure as hell let you use my fucking phone to make that call to Tucson, AZ.


Samurai1833 said...

If this is the after-party, the rest of the night must have been pretty freakin' epic. Too bad about Denny's though.

PinBall said...

I agree Denny's would of been a better choice instead of raping someone's face with your handshoes...but all in turned out well...and yea, made a fucking wicked story.


Laura Salveson said...

OMG, I have to say that the second part is the best part to the story. Almost crying with tears here. Only you. Only you.

Victoria Conley said...

Joe Swanson, taking out the garbage! I am glad you are home safe :)

Shin said...

and again GG you blow my mind! best part of my day laughin my arse off right here! much love from the igloo!
xoxoxo Shin

Joe said...

Most importantly...WTF was so important about calling Tucson, AZ? Someone there going to fedex him some heroin? We Need Closure To This Story! This is going to eat away at me for the rest of my life, now. It's like 'WTF was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?'

Anonymous said...

J, you are simply the best!

Anonymous said...

Can't breathe. Laughing too much...

Riz said...

And that folks, is the new Drunken-Shoe Wunder technique!

Anonymous said...

Once again I fucking love you!! Hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

I was waiting for you to tell us that the shoes weren't yours, after all.

Anonymous said...

This doesn't explain why you ended up with your hands in your shoes, boxing gloves? Another thing, it's Colombia not Columbia the state

Anonymous said...

I'm crying I am laughing so hard. That was amazing. Lmfao.

Anonymous said...

It took me literally an hour to finish reading pt 2. I laughed so damn hard... And the bum stole the show the way he was able to class up his choice of words... " fine sirs " "officers of the law" classic!!! Luvs It.