J-Wunder's Guide to "What Men Want" - Part 2

Now that Part 1 is out of the way, here are the last three rules to make sure what you're doing has Mr. McSteamy digging your hot little ass. Shall we?


4) The best expectations to have are NONE.

Some of you ladies read my 4th rule and are probably like, "WTF, J-Wunderful...a lady ALWAYS has to have expectations when meeting a guy." Well, you know what? Fuck that, and fuck you for thinking that. You wanna know why first dates fail within minutes? Because bitches like to have a goddamn laundry list of expectations. I love you ladies like you wouldn't fucking believe, but you need to STOP THIS MOTHER FUCKING SHIT IMMEDIATELY. Why? Because not only will you disappoint yourself but, the guy that you're with...yeah, remember him...he will read into that shit so fucking fast, that he'll instantly and immediately be turned off. What do you think this is...a fucking job interview? You want a guy who you can grow to like, not put together your fucking TPS reports every first Monday of the goddamn month. This is why NO EXPECTATIONS ARE THE BEST EXPECTATIONS.

FACT: When you have no expectations, the greatest things will happen. This probably makes no fucking sense to a lot of you, but think about it. If you go into a situation without expecting anything but a fucking drink and some Fettucini Al-fucking-fredo, you're more than likely gonna be yourself, play it by ear and see where it goes. Now, don't shake your fucking head like you do this all the time because you don't. Anyone who is everyone ALWAYS go into these situations with a guard up. Altering their personality based on not letting someone see who they really are. We're all fucking guilty of putting on a persona that doesn't define us....and that's fucking normal so calm the fuck down, Ghost Rider. However, men don't fucking want that. Matter of fact, men fucking hate that. If we wanted something sugar coated, we'd eat some goddamn Frosted Flakes. Real fucking talk. Men want women who don't have expectations because we want to see who they really are. We aren't even together yet, so why put together a list of, "how I want my perfect boyfriend to be". Men like to call that "putting on a fucking front". Expectations when meeting a guy is like herpes...no one wants a part of it.

No expectations translates to "being in the moment" and making yourself comfortable. What fucking good does a list of expectations do if you can't be yourself, right? Exactly. Loosen up, chill the fuck out, and don't be expecting anything but being real. You do that, I fucking swear to the God's, that dude will dig you. Know what else? You're gonna be diggin' his ass too.


5) There's a difference between being funny and being FUNNY.

"Geez J-Wunder...this is another NO-BRAINER! I make guys laugh ALL.THE.TIME. Hell, I'm just like one of the guys. This rule is pointless. Been there, done that." Is it ladies? Is it fucking really pointless? Let me bust some fucking knowledge to you for a second...

There's a difference between being funny and being FUNNY. Sure you may have a great sense of humor and sure you may make guys laugh all the fucking time. Congratu-fucking-lations. You're the next mother fucking Eddie Murphy. Whoop-a-dee fucking doo! The reality is, guys don't want "their girl" to be "one of the guys". If you are, guess what? Two things will happen: 1) They'll treat you like a fucking sister and 2) They'll become an awkward fuck buddy. I get that you like sex, so do men. But if you want a relationship with a guy, a fuck buddy ain't the way to go.

Being FUNNY to a guy is being clever...basically, a smart ass. It's saying some random shit that comes from left field at the right time...at the right moment. It's stimulating a dudes mind by saying something that wouldn't be funny if a dude said it. Don't get me wrong...a dirty joke is never a bad thing. Men dig it. However, hearing a dirty joke and off the wall shit over and over again, is going to make a dude want to punch you, not date you. It's all fun and games until you start acting more like a man than a woman.


6) Lips seal the deal.

5 rules - conquered...LIKE A BOSS!!! Pack this party up and lets start our journey into the mother fucking sunset, right? One would think. That's why there's 6 rules, not 5.

If I were to ask 1 million people (including those who have never touched another human being), "Are you a good kisser?" You know what 1 million people would fucking say? "I'm an AMAZING KISSER!!!" I move my tongue this way, move my mouth that way...blah, blah, blah go fuck yourself and get the fuck outta here with that shit.

Listen and listen good. No one is a "good kisser" if you ain't feeling it. That's like saying, you know how to fuck, but if someone is just gonna fucking lay there like a dead fish, guess what? You're gonna be a dead fish too. FACT.

People, kissing is about emotion. Emotion you feel about the person you're into. Emotion you get from what's between your legs. It's those 5 fucking rules working out for you. Because I'll bet my fucking soul to the devil that if you gave me one chick who claimed to be an amazing kisser and one who nailed rules 1-5, the chick who nailed those rules is going to win all fucking day long. Wanna know why? I'll tell you why...your emotion plus what's going on in your mouth, just made THAT guy, putty in your hands...you kissed him so fucking good, you even impressed yourself. It's like an out of body experience that you don't want to let go of.

I wouldn't be telling you this if it wasn't true. You nail rules 1-5, top it off with #6 and you'll be on your way to some good ass company and amazing fucking.

You have my fucking word.