Monday, May 21, 2012

Advice Column: The Decision

Dear J-Wunder,

I got this problem in school and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. U see, there's this girl i like and i got to know her through my friend. It started out pretty good, we were just talking until I got on one of her pictures and said she looks like a Latina. She isn't a Latina at all, she just has those hot Latina lips. Since then, she has been sort of ignoring me, and won't really talk to me like before. I've known her for 2 months now, and i feel like it's all going fucking wrong. I've thought about taking her out on a dinner date but I'm not sure if that will work.

I need some advice man, I read your blogs all the time and you are always spot on. I've never had this sort of problem, so it's really weird for me. I hope you answer back and give me some straight up, real shit. Btw, I'm 19 and she's 17.

Musti from Sweden.

Dear Musti from Sweden,

The first and biggest problem that you have is that you are trying to dissect what a 17 year old girl is thinking or feeling. It shows that you may have a vagine and it may be time to change your tampon, bro. You know what you should be doing with a 17 year old girl with hot ass Latina lips? Trying to get her to wrap those lips around your big ass dong, playa. But, as I was once a 19 year old boy trying to bang 17 year old girls (and pretty much anything 18 and up), I can feel your pain. You can either walk away or keep trying, and since it seems you want to keep trying, I am going to help you get her to play with your Swedish Meatballs playa. Don't thank my ass just yet. I'll save the "you're welcome" til after my fucking sermon. No I won't...You're Welcome.

FACT: Women mature faster at a younger age than men. However, there's a group of women, lets say 10%, that are some immature little bitches...who no one, even their own mama, can't fucking stand.  Mix that in with some sensitivity issues, and you got yourself a fucked up combo of, "WTF is this bitch thinking...she cray-cray and stupid as a mother fucker." Just sayin'.

As men, we're fucking idiots (at times...ok, like 63% of the time). Straight up. We can say some shit from time to time that will make a woman scratch her fucking head as we put our foot in our goddamn mouth. Trust me...I'm guilty as fuck with this. By the time I had learned to stop putting my foot in my mouth, I was helplessly addicted to goddamn shoe leather. True story. For real though…I think I've put my foot in my mouth more times than Sasha Grey has taken it in the ass by every man in America (if you don't know who Sasha Grey is folks, then please her). HOW-THE-FUCK-EVER, when we aren't saying stupid shit and trying to be complimentary, we still look like jackasses. Or do we?

Every guy that read your question, probably got what you're saying to this chick. You gave this broad a nice fucking compliment. Big ups man. Matter of fact, a nice percentage of women who read your question, understood this shit too and thought, if anything, you gave your gal a nice compliment as well. Then there are those bitches, like your girl, who took REAL fucking offense to what the fuck you said. This, in fact, is the 10% of immaturity I pointed out earlier. Let me explain...

Your girl probably didn't like what you said for a couple reasons:

1) She's not Latina. And she might even be a little bit racist. Not only are bitches crazy, but a racist bitch? I'm just saying', you might wake up with a goddamn horses head in your bed if you don't play your cards right, homie. That's a mix of crazy and Jason Vorhees, son. Shit ain't right. Does she have any white sheets that she likes to dress up in or is her room/trapper keeper decorated in Swastikas? These are just some racist red flags you might want to watch out for. All jokes aside though, bitch might be racist. Next...

2) She despises Latin bitches or got something against J-Lo and Selena fucking Gomez.  See above. What did these bitches ever do to her, besides date two men who look like women? Wait, what?

3) She feels you like Latin women. Hey, I love me a Latin woman. Who the fuck doesn't? Intimidation is a mother fucker I tell ya. Truth.

4) She hates tacos. And do you really want to date, fuck, suck or lick on a girl that doesn't like tacos? Who the fuck doesn't like tacos? I'll eat the shit out of some tacos, son. Pink tacos, chicken tacos, steak tacos, carnitas tacos...where's the hot sauce mother fucker? I'm HON-GRAY! For real though...if she hates tacos, do me a favor and punch that bitch in her throat.

5) She hears that compliment ALL THE FUCKING TIME and is tired of it. But since your ass lives just south of the North Pole in Sweden, I am doubtful you have a strong Latin presence there. Maybe she had a Latin nanny or something that touched her balloon knot? Don't ever rule shit like that out. Always be thinking...

5 reasons. All bullshit. Sorry bro, just needed some filler for my column and am grasping at straws trying to figure out what made this bitch go loco on your ass.

Bottom line: She's immature and not worth your time. Real talk.

For any woman (shit, can I even call a 17 year old female a woman?) to ignore, let alone, act differently towards you over a comment like that tells me the bitch needs to grow up and take a compliment from a  man. A lot of you are probably saying, "How is that a compliment, J-Wun?" Trust me fuckmouths, it's a fucking compliment. A man compliment. Just like if we were to say, "Damn girl, you got a sista's ass...can I bounce quarters off that shit?" or "You have a rack so big it would feed all of Africa."  or "You got some Angelina Jolie lips girl...should I pull my pants down now or wait til we get in the car?" Yeah, those are fucking compliments...from men. Dumb ones, but that's how the cookie fucking crumbles sometimes. Like I've been saying, we say stupid shit. Even if we mean it with the utmost sincerity and humor. This bitch needs to give you a break and take it for what it is...a goddamn compliment. Shit, I hope you were saying that shit as a compliment...were you homie? Back to my sermon...

You seem like a good fucking guy, bro. One that seems to be into this chick. Sometimes pussy is made of shit that NASA can't even figure the fuck out. Real talk. But don't hold your breath with this broad, son. Don't worry about asking her out to dinner or any of that shit either. Why? Because if you did take her out and gave her another compliment, again, this bitch might trip the fuck out, stab you with a butter knife, then leave you there to die while having to pay for an expensive ass dinner at Sizzler...or whatever the Swedish equivalent to Sizzler may be? Is it Ikea? I don't know shit about Sweden, so figure it out for yourself, but you get the picture, right?

As much as this is bugging you, realize that no bitch is worth trippin' over if she's gonna act all butt hurt over a compliment she probably felt was an insult. That's the difference between a 17 year old girl and a 27 year old woman. The 17 year old will act like a fucking cry-baby and act like a bitch, while the 27 year old woman will tell you what's on her mind and not fuck around. Communication is everything and it looks like this broad is just being a bitch because she might sense she has you wrapped around the nut sack. Don't be THAT guy. Fuck this chick and don't waste time you could be spending on someone that will appreciate you and the guy you are. You may be only 19 but don't stoop to an immature chicks level. Now, a lot of you are probably gonna comment with, "How is that immature? What if he said it in a way that was offensive? I would be offended too. Blah, blah, fucking blah." You know what the great thing is about my blog? Is that 1) I don't give a shit about anyones opinion, and 2) If you got all the fucking answers, go start your own blog because people like Musti, don't give a shit what you have to say. If they did, you wouldn't be reading this now, would ya? But that's neither here nor're here to get some sense knocked up in ya and these are my words that you need to follow...or don't. I don't fucking know. All I know is that no bitch is worth your time if they are gonna make you feel like your dick resembles that of a vagina.

Angry bitches aren't the business,


PS - And don't ever sweat a girl you've only known for 2 months...pick yourself up and move the fuck on.


Anonymous said...

What a little girl. Great advice as always!

Anonymous said...

this whole thing made me laugh. i love your advice!

sooz said...

Lmao @IKEA

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

you sir are my hero,and i would gladly become your disciple... said...

Strait the fuk up u tripping and its only the second month but not even that u ain't even fuked her. And wtf its the second month and u ain't fuked her, look got to a night club or the high school and pull a bitch u can fuk quick. Worst cums to worst fuk a stripper or a Hooker have them hold u off till u find a different girl

Silly said...

This whole thing was neither here nor there....I LOVED IT! Great advice Sweetie. I'm sure the kid got the idea and will worship you forever for helping him realize he should stay away from this psycho, racist, non-taco eating chick. Good job!

KoolEMac said...