Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Advice Column: Me Sucky Sucky

J-Wunder and crew,

First please don't freak out when I ask you this question. I never liked sucking cock until I was around 30. Yes you read that right. I NEVER liked it. Not sure what happened but I LOVE sucking cock now. I'm with a great man and love his cock. So the question I have is this. Do guys get bored with the same way all the time? Is there a better way that keeps the attention? I am asking b/c again, never done it before really and don't want my man to get bored. Can ya help me out please?

Love to suck cock now


Dear No Longer a Betamax,

As you read this, pat-scratching your weave and wondering why in the fuck I just called you a Betamax, let me explain: I love Chris Rock stand-up and in one of his skits he says, "Whenever l meet a girl that doesn't give head...l look at them like a damn Betamax, ''They still make you?'' So, when I read your little romantical query, and thought to myself, "Oooh, it’s a lady," the next thing that popped into my head was that Chris Rock skit. So there you have it. A tiny look into what makes me think the way I do.

You are welcome.

Peering into my thoughtsicles aside, you came to me with some real questions and it is time for me to bus’ it wide open and breakdown how you go down.

For what must be at least the eleventy-third time, to-fucking-day, I must say what all you ladies seem to keep forgetting. Bitches, pull your chair closer. No, closer, CLOSER. Oh, for fucks sake, too close! Now that I have you where I want you, I need you to copy and paste, write down, get tattooed, whatever you need to do to remember the words that I am about to lay down for the last goddamn time:


Are we all crystal? Must I keep repeating myself? Y’all know I get real aggro when I have to repeat more and drink less. Please don’t make me put down my glass of scotch and start karate chopping mother fuckers for not paying attention to the lesson.

I have brothers. I have guys friends. I have had boyfriends. I have guys friends who I have allowed to put it in me. Ya heard? I know a thing or two about dick. That is why Mr. Wundercunt himself let me take this. Because his ass would have read the part about, "I love sucking cock," and would have jizzed all over the etch-a-sketch he fashioned into some kind of Brother word processor from 1987 and then never answered your question. Because men are simple. And now we are full circle. Thank you, 6 lb, 8 oz, Baby Jeebus, in your gold lame diaper, for I think the ladies and I are all finally on the same page.

While men are simple, your romantical query is actually more layered than I let on. Yes, men love getting their dick sucked like ‘Bama loved scoring touchdowns in the last National Championship game (hate, hate, hate, J-Wunder), but unlike that game where Bama kept running the same goddamn play and getting a first down or a TD, sucking dick requires a varied and diversified approach. I know you have played that game where you ask someone, "If they were trapped on a deserted island and could only bring one thing with them to keep them entertained forever, what would it be," blah blah blah meow meow meow? Remember how everyone fucking hates that dumb ass game, because no one wants to commit to one thing (not person, asshats, don’t get emo on me thinking I am talking about being able to cheat) forever? Does anyone want to eat the same food, watch the same show, drive the same car or do the same ANYthing over and over and over again until they simply lose their mind from boredom?

Same thing with sucking dick. Or any sex act for that matter.

I know porn has given us unrealistic ideas on how sex should go: Kissy-kissy, lick/spit on a the vag (which is just fucking awful, by the way. If anyone spits on my cookie, I am donkey punching them), suck some dick, deep throat, gag, gurgle, spit on the dick (see above about that, too), deep throat some more, fuck, maybe some anal, cum on tits/face, end scene.

Was everyone as bored reading that as I was typing it? Good. I hope I made it clear that variety, especially in bed, is the spice of life.

You want to learn how to be a better cocks-woman? There is also a very simple way to do that. ASK.
Someone nominate me for the Nobel Prize for cock-sucking advice, cus I got that shit on lock. Guys LOVE to tell a woman what to do, especially when she has her mouth (and potentially teeth) on his most cherished appendage. Most guys love to tell women what to do in bed because it goes back to their animalistic need to dominate. Oh, and I have mentioned that men are simple? Let me check. Yes, exactly eleventy-four times today.

I applaud you for wanting to be a better dick sucker. Fuck, I bet every man who has made it this far in the column is clapping their hand on their dick, applauding you in their own special way, for wanting to be a better dick sucker. Thankfully, there are books and videos on Amazon (or your local Adult Video Warehouse) that you can read, you can practice on a banana or a cucumber, but hopefully not a gherkin, and then there is the greatest tool of all-time in learning how to suck a dick, proper. Your man’s tool.

The next time you see him, say, "Honey, I really want to learn how to give you the best blow-jobs ever, so I am going to need to practice on you, all the time. I am also going to need you tell me what you like, what you don’t like and when I am doing something good. When I am doing something bad, I need you to spank my ass and tell me so."

I swear on my shoes that your man is going to grab you by the hair and show you exactly what he wants. And if he doesn’t? Call me, I will let you come over and practice licking snatch on me, since you seem to be into trying new things.

XO and 8====D

H-Bomb (a.k.a Betamax no more, since 2004)


Anonymous said...

"If anyone spits on my cookie, I am donkey punching them" I just lmao for like 10 minutes in a quiet ass office bc I have thought the same exact thing

Anonymous said...

”lick/spit on a the vag (which is just fucking awful, by the way. If anyone spits on my cookie, I am donkey punching them)”

Made me drop my phone and laugh extremely loud, thank you big sexy!

Anonymous said...

Put some 'tussin on it! 'Tussin can make everything better!

Anonymous said...

Damn son....

Anonymous said...

I'd love to lick her snatch

H-Bomb said...

^ ok, which one of my dirty friends wrote that. Depending on who it is, I might just let you ;)

Anonymous said...

Love it.

Anonymous said...

Oh H-Bomb...the irony of you answering this very specific question after a certain video was sent to your phone by a certain someone else was not lost on me. Sincerely,
Not so anonymous....

Anonymous said...

my hubby loves to fuck my mouth. i just open wide and he does what he wants. ohhh and he likes his ass licked.

Anonymous said...

You can practice one me!

The Madwoman said...

H-Bomb, when L-Train packs it up for a muthas weekend in Nola, I hope you will be hidin in her suitcase!

H-Bomb said...

Pray tell, what is the Muthas weekend??? Deets please.

Anonymous said...

Balls Deep, baby! Every. Fucking. Time. (Reference: Men. Are. Simple)

Oh yeah... I'd like to lick your snatch too!