Advice Column: Stupid Be as Stupid Do

Dear J-Wunder and CREW:  

First off, I love your blog me and my sister almost piss ourselves laughing every time we read your shit. Now to my problem:  I am still madly in love with my ex. We still talk and hang out (lots of crazy sex, movies, video games, drugs and drinking) we dated for 6 months it was great till his brother started mooching off of us and that's when the fighting started and ended up breaking up cuz he was checking out a ex on FB. It's been a year and 4 months since we broke up neither of us has found a new successful relationship. We have so much fun together and the sex is AMAZING (talking no holds freakfest nothing off limits lol) but even though everything is so good he doesn't want to get back together but I just can stop wanting to be with him can you help me get him back?



Dear So Fucking Pathetic I Can't Even Think of a Decent Metaphor,

Your email was passed along to me because nobody else at Ghetto Genius HQ would even consider responding to it. J-Wun threw it on my desk and mumbled something about "eyes bleeding" and "fucking idiots" before shuffling off to the bathroom for his third Taco Bell shit of the day. Flo-Rich and RoMo pretended they didn't hear him ask, "Who wants this piece of shit?" They were "busy working" at their desks. Pfff. Flo-Rich is still riding that Angry Birds train and slinging shit on E-bay, and RoMo, well...RoMo does whatever the fuck she wants. Like a BOSS. H-Bomb didn't even use words, just hand gestures and noises. She got her point across. BTW, bitch is still mad about her shitty lap dance at the shitty strip club that our fearless leader took her too. FYI J-Wunder...she will remind you of that awful mistake you made til the day you fucking die. As for the rest of The CREW and The BOSS, they just left and said, "Good luck with this winner!" and bounced the fuck out for some beers. Your question, as you can see, was a goddamn hit! Congrats!

Assuming advice is what you're asking for, I have the following to offer:

NO.

No is the answer to your question. I can't help you get him back. Are you ignorant or just plain stupid? I'm hoping you know that's a rhetorical question, because everybody who read the fucking gibberish you wrote above already knows the answer. True-goddamn-mother-fucking-story. You want to know what the problem is? THIS is the problem:

"We still talk and hang out (lots of crazy sex, movies, video games, drugs and drinking)...(talking no holds freakfest nothing off limits lol)..."

Read your words. Let that shit soak in for a minute and marinate like the cum dumpster between your legs. You still need advice on this issue? I'm assuming YES because you seem like someone who can't figure shit out, let alone know when you are getting played like a fiddle.

Let ME ask YOU and some of our faithful readers a question. Why in the sky-blue, heavenly FUCK would a guy want to wife your dumb ass when he already has all of the benefits of a relationship, but still has the freedom to walk away when he tires of you or when someone else catches his eye? Can someone please answer this fucking question? Anyone?  Anything clicking there, Miss Snatch-A-Lot?

You're giving him all the girlfriend goodness without any of the fucking work. You do what HE wants, when HE wants, how HE wants. That right there, Lady Anteslutbag...is every man's mother fucking fantasy. Congrats on making his "Make A Wish" dream come true.

And don't come back at me in the comments section with some, "I DO NOT..." bliggity-blah because you know what, baby girl?  YOU FUCKING DO. Dude has no reason to kick you to the curb at this point because you're still on second date good behavior a year and a half after y'all broke up. While you're wishing and hoping for all this relationship goodness to rekindle, he's sitting back, having a beer, telling all his boys how he's using you like a Swiffer whenever he needs to clean out the cobwebs until he can afford a Dyson. That's how he sees you. You're not Dyson-worthy, sweetie. You're a stick with a fucking paper towel connected at the end. Useless but good enough to get the job done.

Welcome to the Jump Off Zone. Real talk.

You're giving up the cookie, blowing him on the regular, and possibly offering up the analingus to keep shit freaky. Plus, you allegedly like video games, drugs and drinking. Hanging with you is just like hanging with his boys, except they, presumably, don't suck his little wang at the end of the night. Unless you are bat-shit fucking crazy and cooking up little bunnies or calling his mom for his favorite cookie recipes, he has absolutely no reason to change the current situation. Why would he or should he? Would YOU? Fuck no, you wouldn't. My advice to you is to stop fucking/sucking the guy and move on with your goddamn life. You really won't have a choice once you cut him off from the nasty - he will leave skid marks in your fucking driveway when that little discussion is over. But for your own well-being, mental health and future baby daddies, get the fuck over it and move the fuck on. If I was your mom, your sister or your friend, I would have bitch-slapped your dumb ass a long time ago.

Don't be like one of these stupid bitches society encounters on the day-to-day. You know...the ones exactly like you? The ones who think just because a guy loves sticking his dick in you that you're special? Yeah, those stupid bitches. Oh shit, did I say that out loud?

Sweetheart, realize the only thing special about any of this, is the simple fact that we here at GG Headquarters hope we woke you the fuck up. Tough love is what we do because a lot of people don't have the balls to say shit. AND our advice is free.

Sweet, 8 lb., barn-birthed baby Jesus, you are welcome. Trick.  

L-Train