At Ghetto Genius HQ, J-Wunderful has created something pretty magical. We've written some funny shit over the last year (and in J's case, more than a year). We've amassed a huge fan following all over the world, and we are...wait for it....Banned in the Middle East, bitches!! That's right - GG and the CREW are so foul, so filthy, so vile, so full of awesome, that ONE THIRD OF A CONTINENT has banned us. Yeah, you read that right. Around here, we call that shit WINNING. It is our goal to offend at least one uptight mother fucker with every post, so if we can offend an entire country, we have met our quota for, well, ever.
We've posted advice columns, funny videos, lists of things we love and lists of things we fucking hate.
I went into this thinking, "This is not going to be a list, because there's only one thing in this world I really, really hate: PEOPLE." As it turns out, it needs to be a list because there are THAT many varieties of fucktard in the world. I took Anonymous' dumb, drunk ass to lunch the other day and after I yelled at him for abusing the waitress ("Yes, asshole, she licked the fucking pickle before she put it in your Bloody Mary. NOW you wanna be offended by saliva? I've seen your work, dude. Her spit is the least offensive thing you've had in your mouth today."), we tried to have a conversation. Anonymous isn't much for conversation. One might say the Cat(Lady)'s got his tongue. The only thing his polluted stream of consciousness would allow to come out of his mouth was, "Why did you bring me here? There are people here. I fucking hate people. WHERE IS THAT PICKLE LICKING SLUT WITH MY VODKA??" No, being in public with Anonymous is not at all embarrassing. But, as much as it pains me to admit it, he's right. He's fucking drunk, but he's right. The more I get to know people, the more I find that most of them suck, generally. I don't hate ALL people - just assholes, pricks, douchebags, lame-fucks, idiots, cheaters and liars. So really only like 98.47386% of the population.
Assholes and pricks fall into the same basic category. For example, some pricky, zit-faced, 9 year old fuckhead asshole at Home Depot told me he would help me load a big ass rug I bought into my Jeep. He said, "Just pull your car up and I will help you get it in there...MA'AM." (Fuck you, you little bastard.) This goddamn rug is 8' x 10' and about 80 lbs. I'm 115 lbs. soaking wet with ankle weights on, mmkay? I waited for 10 minutes and the little shit-sucker never came, so I got out and started wrestling the rug into my car. After I finally wedged it in there and closed the hatch, I turned around to see that smug little condom leakage standing just inside the door. WATCHING ME. I hope his mom gets herpes in her eye. And I'm gonna fuck his dad. Real talk.
Douchebags and lame-fucks? Where do I begin? These lames travel in packs like those douchey werewolves in the Twatlight movies, but instead of wolf costumes, they wear Affliction or Tapout t-shirts, have double-pierced ears and bodies like Tweety bird. Friends don't let friends skip leg day, Broham. Do us all a favor and double up on the weight and the reps on squat day. Otherwise, you just look like a doucheb...oh...riiiiiiight.
Idiots. We see more than our share of them here at GG, but they are every-mother-fucking-where. Did everybody catch this eye-stabbing fuckery of the English language? Advice Column: I Don't Answer Stupid. If you missed it, peep that shit. I promise you will stab a mother fucker in the eye. Or the throat. Wherever your shank lands, if it stops the stupid, we'll call it a victory. I can't really say anything more about it. The stupid is strong, y'all.
Cheaters. Whether they're cheating at dominoes, on their spouse, or at life, I can't stand a fucking cheater. That business about "Cheaters never prosper" is some bullshit. It seems like the cheating mother always get ahead, doesn't it? Lance Armstrong? That one-balled snail trail made MILLIONS by being a cheater. He's prospering all up in through this bitch, and laughing at his haters all the way to the fucking bank. Hey, Lance, suck a fat one, mmkay? The rest of us are working BOTH our balls off while you make millions by cheating and lying. You might have a future in politics. Write that shit down.
Liars. I saved this shit for last, because there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that I hate more than a liar. Fibs, lies, lies by omission, little white lies, little black lies...every one of us has heaped our fucking plate at the lie buffet at one time or another. And you know...for that, we all suck just a little bit.
Here's my advice that nobody asked for: Suck less, people. Suck less at life, suck less at relationships, suck less at parenting, suck less at being a friend. Suck more dick and less on my will to live. Write yourself a note and stick it on your mirror, your window, your fucking forehead, wherever you will see it the most: Suck. Less.