Sunday, January 13, 2013
I will Fuck.You.Up.
Unless they live in a cave or some shit-kicking town in Arkansas, everyone is aware of the magical advances in technology. iPhones, Droids...they're like having tiny computers in your hand. Music, video, pictures - all available at the touch of a button. And muhfuckers be using those buttons. Almost everybody under the age of 30 has broadcast their naughty bits into the universe. Mothers of daughters everywhere cringe at the thought that their "princesses" are tweeting pics of their little post-adolescent, pepperoni-nippled titlets to celebrities and thugs. That's all well and good - do you, BooBoo - as long as it is YOUR choice as the skank being photographed. Get out your Lisa Frank notepads (you know you have one) because I am about to drop some truth-bombs all up in through this bitch.
I have a friend who is being blackmailed by an ex. Dude is on some straight Fatal Attraction shit. Let me break it down: Boy and girl meet; boy and girl date; boy and girl bone. Everybody's on board, right? What girl didn't know is while she was downtown smoking the pole, boy is up top snapping pictures like Nigel Fucking Barker. Fast forward a few months, and girl realizes that boy is a needy, twisted-ass head case and ends things. A few more months go by and she is now dating someone new. She deletes (but doesn't block) former boy from Facebook because he's been tripping since the break up and, within a day, the war is on. She has 37 messages in her inbox - IN.A.ROW. - and each one is longer and angrier than the one before. She tries to let him down easy because he's clearly crazier than a shithouse rat, but dude ain't havin' it. He finally fires back with her worst nightmare - a picture of her puffing the hog. He says "I'm going to send this to your new boyfriend. What do you think he'll say about his sweet litle girlfriend when he sees her with (3.5 inches of) someone else's pork sword down her throat?" She says "FUCK YOU. Go ahead. He already knows and LOVES what I can do in and around my mouth." Truth be told, my girl was sweating the shit out of that guy and the sickfuckery he might be capable of. With good reason...
It would also seem that during the same ride on the P.T.E., dude's ex called his phone. When he reached for it, our girl assumed he was hitting "ignore". Instead, he answered that shit and let it ride and the crazy bitch on the other end sat and listened. FOR TWENTY - COUNT THEM - TWENTY - FUCKING MINUTES. Now our girl is getting emails from BOTH of these psycho bastards. Dude telling her he's going to send blowie pics to new boyfriend and Her Crazy Fuckness telling her she's coming to snatch her weave for fucking her man.
Now, what's the REAL problem here? When you boil it down to its very fucked up essence, what you're left with is this: The problem is that women seem to be more concerned with being dicked down than with their own well-being. If, in this day and age, you let some random douchelord into your bed and/or bedroom with his phone anywhere around, you can bet your fuzzy little beav is going to end up on "crotchshots.com" or some shit. If you blow the hot guy in the bathroom at the bar, you can bet your ass dude is capturing every moment on video. If, as my girl did above, you don't pay attention because you're too busy neglecting his balls, you're gonna get snapped with a mouthful of dong. Sending that shit to your new man is not even the worst thing that could happen. The next psycho fuck you pick-up at the bar might just send that shit to your grandma. If that doesn't matter to you, and you don't think it will matter to you in the future, feel free to ignore this advice and carry the fuck on. I will still be here, oozing my awesomeness all over the blogging world. But you know what I won't be doing? Running damage control with my new man because some past drunken hook-up is coming back to bite me on my fantastic ass, or explaining to Grandma that I have a new job as a Testicle Inspector for the CIA. I pity the motherfucking fool who ever tries to sneak-click on me. I have a gun and anger issues and I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
PUT THE FUCKING CAMERAS AWAY. Real talk. You ain't Kim and he ain't Ray J and ain't nobody got time for that.