Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Advice Column: The Rise And Fall Of The Wang

Hey GG Crew:

I imagine you get a lot of e-mails appreciating all the work you all have put into this blog, making those readers' lives better, but I must still say, thank you!

So I have read one of your other advise columns and read that when J first discovered the beauty of masturbating, he fucking fell in love with it and could not stop. I think I remember he mentioned something like he did it at least 3 times a day because it was that good. You must know where I'm coming from now. I am a 19 year old and have been in love with jerking off too. I have a girlfriend I absolutely love and will not give her up for anything. She is religious, so will not have sex with me until marriage. I truly respect that, with all my heart. I believe in sex after marriage, for a slightly different reason. It just makes me uncomfortable imagining being seen naked by someone who isn't my wife. I believe everyone's body is a temple and unless you have proved that you're ready to commit yourself to worship only one temple, the temple shouldn't allow you to come in, fuck shit up, and just leave if you decide this aint for you. Anyways, so I'm cool with no sex with her, and I won't cheat on her with anyone for sex, either. Therefore, I choke my chicken very frequently- at least once a day. Sometimes I can go up to 3 or 4 times. What I'm worried about is if jerking off too much and too frequently is bad for you. I've noticed my load isn't as "loaded" and powerful as before and even though I still get the pleasure, it seems to last shorter. More, I don't know if I'm crazy, but I think my D is getting shorter too. Can jerking off really make my D short?

Worried about my D

Dear Worried About My D,

Son, son, son, son, SON. 19 years old and clueless. Well, not that fucking clueless considering you tug your ham hock as much as yours truly. Good job, man. Hopefully you're moisturizing your wang after working that little fucker out 3-4 times a day. Why moisturize you ask? Because if you don't, your dick will look like it got ran over by an 18-wheeler with fucking spikes on that sonofabitch. So if you're currently wondering why your penis looks like it's sunburnt and resembles a ballpark hotdog that has been sitting in the sun for 2 days, it's not only because you beat the fuck out of it, but because you don't moisturize. So moisturize and you can thank me later.

Now, I'm no doctor by any means. But what I'm about to tell you, is approved by the Ghetto Genius Association of bad mother fuckers so take it for what it's worth and your life will be better for it.

I have yanked my chain for years. Over 20 to be exact. And in those 20 years, there are a few things I know:

#1 - You can NEVER masturbate TOO much. 

True story. If anything, the more you clean your pipes, the better your chances of NOT getting nut sack cancer (aka testicular cancer). Is this true? Well, if you believe the shit you read in Maxim, then fuck yes it's true. Nothing besides a good blowjob and riding the Pound Town Express satisfies me more than jerking off. Especially when I'm all alone at night in my bed. Snuggled up under my covers. Naked. I hit up good 'ol Pornhub.com, choose a video of my liking and go to down. The shit is goddamn bliss man. For those good 3-4 minutes, it's like I'm racing at the Indy 500 about to blow away the competition and win that mother fucker. How masturbating and NASCAR go together, I have no fucking idea. But I digress. Moving on.

#2 - No LOAD is like your first load out the gate. 

FACT: You're young with young balls. But like any dude that can produce a good load to make a horse throw up, you gotta realize one thing...not every load that shoots out your wang is going to be like your first. Why? Simple. Your balls need time to, for lack of a better term, recharge. If you don't believe me, try this out...jerk off today and break some tile with your wad. Then, do it again in about 30 minutes. Obviously, you have experienced that your load gets smaller and smaller the more you do it within a certain time frame. That said, put your wang down for about 4-5 days as hard as that may be. After day number 4 or 5, you will notice that your load is back to making a horse throw up again. If you really want to impress yourself, take a full two weeks off and during that time, run every fucking day...preferably, 20-30 minutes. After day 14, go to a zoo and jerk-off in front of an elephant. Watch that mother fucker pass the fuck out because of the load you just unleashed all over the place. You're welcome.

#3 - A rested dong is a big dong. 

To be at full strength, our bodies need rest. If you don't give your body rest, then don't count on anything being fully 100%. Especially your fucking penis. See, when you jerk-off at first, your dick is like a goddamn steel 2 x 4. Big. Strong. Unbreakable. The blood that is flowing is so goddamn powerful, you're trippin' off the fact that your dick looks SO fucking big, like a baby arm holding an apple. Real talk.

But the more often and frequently you choose to yank your wang, realize the lack of rest, doesn't guarantee your dong is going to be at 100%. Hence, giving you the visual that your cock size just went from 5 inches to a measly 4 inches. Why do you think some guys after they bust a nut want to turn the fuck over and go the fuck to sleep? Because the load they shot was huge, amazing and they need to give some shut eye to their one-eyed monster.

Now, if you're like me, you pull the Jedi-mind shit on your own dick to make sure that 85% of the time, your drumstick is at a full 100%. Maybe in time you will be able to accomplish this goal. However, if you're an impatient little fuck, I suggest you pop in some Viagra and unleash the fury for 4 straight hours.

Don't trip out and think something is wrong with you. You're just young and stupid. Hell, we ALL were at one point in our lives. But like I tell all my readers, that's why I'm here...to provide solutions to everyones problems.

Beat it, kid. You got some shit to take care of.



Anonymous said...

Dead. LMFAO!

Anonymous said...

Good Guy J

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha. WOW!

Anonymous said...

Never too suddle are you? LOL

Anonymous said...

WTF is "suddle"... and this was super funny.

Anonymous said...

Yes a baby arm holding an apple is subtle...