Tuesday, June 4, 2013

May The Force Pee With You

I just got done with a boozy sushi lunch with my buddies on another fine San Francisco afternoon. Nothing special about this day except the fact that it was Monday and we all know that some Mondays, if not all of them, can lead a bunch of mother fuckers to drink at any hour of the day. That we did and did it well!

Countless amounts of delicious sushi, 5 tall bottles of sake and 6 tall bottles Orion later, we head out to Starbucks to grab some coffee...you know, so we don't go back to the office smelling like a goddamn liquor cabinet. Shit, even then, I still don't think any of us cared if we did. Thug life, bitches!

My buddy and I walk into Starbucks and like the tourist town that SF is, the mother fucking place is packed. We wait in line, shoot the shit for a hot minute then we see him. THAT guy standing in the bathroom line. Actually, the only guy standing in the bathroom line.


Talking to himself.

Possibly crying.

Trying to control his breathing as much as possible.

For a second I thought this dude was about to have a goddamn heart attack and 47 mother fuckers in Starbucks were just going to watch this happen. That's when my buddy says, "J, pull out your phone and start recording. Do it mother fucker." Confused, I ask, "Why fool? What's the big deal? Dude looks like he's about to cry." He then says, "Look down man!! You don't see it?!?!" And there it was...

P-I-S-S...trickling down this guy's pant leg. Seeping so slowly but with so much volume that even Helen Keller could have spotted that shit from 100 feet away.

I couldn't tape this guy because for starters, I wasn't drunk enough and secondly, he knew that everyone at this mother fucking Starbucks was watching all this go down.

2 minutes goes by. Then 3. It has now been roughly 5 minutes and I've moved about 3 feet and Pissy Pants Magee is still waiting in line looking up at the ceiling, praying to the bathroom gods that the person in the fucking bathroom will hurry the fuck up, pinch whatever load they are dropping and get the fuck out of there...NOW!!!!!

I stood there, staring...amazed at what I was witnessing. This guy had no fucks to give. I mean, why would you if you are at the point of a bladder so out of control that all you can do is try to contain it.


7 minutes have probably gone by and at this point, the tip of his wang is basically dripping like an IV out of control and seeping down his right leg at furious speeds. It kind of reminded me of those Asian decor rock fountains...where water trickles down and the noise is all tranquil and shit. Making you find your Zen while listening to Enya's Greatest Hits. But I digresss...

 I look at my buddy, he looks at me then we look at these 3 Asian kids who are taking pics like this dude is the statue of David taking a piss.

10 minutes. 10 fucking minutes goes by, I have my drink in hand and this guy has sweated so fucking much that he now has a soaked shirt to go along with a soaked right leg making this mother fucker look like he just got attacked by a bunch of dickhead high school teenagers and a truck bed full of water balloons. It was that fucking bad people. Bad but comical, nonetheless.

More sweating.

More pep talking.

More peeing.

The suspense was killing everyone so much in that goddamn Starbucks, that for a minute, I noticed about 6 other mother fuckers starting to do the pee-pee dance. You know that dance, right. The one where you look like you're prancercizing at a rapid pace in place. Shit ain't right and is fucked up.

BTW - if you don't know what the fuck "prancercizing" is, watch this. Trust me. It's all kinds of funny and fucked up.

11 minutes goes by, we finally hear the toilet flush and faster than Flash fucking Gordon, Piss My Pants Petey, bee lines it right in. But not before he says fuck it and just unleashes the fury right there and leaves this:

Yes people, that is pee. All of the pee that this 45 year old man, with his wife present, left for the Starbucks employee to mop up, while going in his pants for an astounding 11 minutes and 13 seconds (taking a few breaks here and there, of course).

No one left Starbucks until he left the bathroom. As he walked out, we noticed something...he either splashed water on the other leg to make it look like the sink blew up, or he just said "fuck it" and just let it fly in his 501 Jeans because why bother? How much piss was really going to come out by the time he was able to pull his dick out of his jeans anyway? Obviously enough to make it look like the poor bastard got thrown into a pool of urine.

Moral of the story: if you gotta take a piss that bad, find a place to piss...even if it means getting ticket for public urination. That shit is way better than walking around with your spouse covered in piss and smelling like a homeless person all goddamn day.


Anonymous said...

That is dedication if you piss yourself and are still waiting for the bathroom. Hahaha!

Anonymous said...

He should've just used the women's restroom. I def will use the men's if I have to go bad enough & the women's is occupied. lol