Saturday, June 8, 2013

The 3-Day Juice Cleanse...From HELLLLL!!!

I like to consider myself a pretty fit and healthy guy for the most part. Don't get it twisted though, I don't have six-pack abs or am some sort of fucking vegan or anything. I go to the gym and do what I gotta do to keep my shit maintained. Eat a salad with some motherfucking croutons and sliced eggs, occasionally. And with summer basically here, I thought I would work a little harder and mix shit up on the health front slightly. So I decided to do a 3-day juice cleanse. For 72 hours, I will do nothing more than consume fruits and veggies in liquid form. 4-6 times a day. In 16-20 ounce servings. No solid foods or anything else with exception to water and green tea. How hard could it be, right? Let me tell y'all something...



To give you a rundown of what a meat eating, fried food loving, potato chip indulging and booze consuming guy like myself will go through for three days, I decided to do a blog journal on the play-by-play of how I'm doing during certain times on this journey. Enjoy what I like to call:

The 3-Day Juice Cleanse...From HELLLLLL!!!!

BTW - my last real meal was on Tuesday night (6/4). I consumed a big container of "Super Nachos" from this hole in the wall Mexican joint that more than likely cooks all their shit in lard.

The challenge begins...

Wednesday - 6/5

8am: Started juicing like a motherfucker. Lots of fruits and veggies ready to be owned by yours truly. 16 ounces down the hatch and just like that, it was a goddamn cake walk. Tasted pretty good too for what was supposed to be considered my "breakfast".

10am: 2 hours gone by and I'm feeling pretty good. Thinking to myself that these next few days are gonna be a breeze. Life is good. This ain't shit.

10:05am: Hungry as fuck! You know, when you're aware that you can't eat solid food for a certain period of time, I'm convinced you get more hungry. All I want is a goddamn Pop Tart. Hell, I'll take one of those little ass Snickers mini bites. I'm about to eat the fucking carpet right now. God help me.

11am: I'm starving and have been pacing back and forth like a crack addict waiting to rob an old woman at the local Sizzler. I've drank so much fucking water that in a matter of 3 hours, I'm pretty sure I've taken a piss at least 17 times. Why the fuck am I doing this again? That's right...because I'm a fucking idiot!

Noon: Irritable beyond belief. I can't think. I can't talk. I think I just went blind in my left eye. I honestly can't even get hard right now. Not that I need to, but you know what the fuck I'm saying. I need food and this shit is not gonna be pretty. About to send a work email to my co-workers letting them know I will stab someone if they try to 1) Talk to me this week, 2) Walk by my desk with food...even if it smells like shit and 3) Offer me anything that can be consumed by chewing on it. This includes gum and any type of plastic.

12:05pm: Consumed my liquid lunch. If I were to describe the taste, I would say it taste like fresh cut grass with bits of dog shit in it.

1pm: Angry as fuck. Is it me, or someone who is used to eating whatever and whenever the fuck they want get Juice Cleanse roid rage because all they do is drink some bullshit juice and piss all day?

2:30pm: I feel weak. I'm tired. I think I'm starting to lose vision in my right eye now. Heading to the bathroom for piss #25.

2:31pm: Take piss #25, pull up on my phone. Thinking about masturbating to kill time and focus on something else other than food.

2:35pm: Take a nap which feels like a coma. Don't judge. People take naps at work.

5pm: Just realized that I've had more fruits, veggies and water intake in the last 9 hours than I have ever had in my 34 years of fucking existence.

6:23pm: Just drank my "dinner". It was much better than "lunch" but at the same time still tasted God fucking awful. I am trying my best not to murder the neighbor who is bbq'ing right now. I'm thinking about knocking on their door and asking if I can just smell their breath after they are done eating. FML.

8pm: I'm starting to hallucinate I think. Time for more juice.

8:30pm: I'm weak. Tired. Complete fucking vagina status. Whoever thought "juice cleanses" were meaningful, I have something to tell you - FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

9:15pm: Called my mom to tell her if I don't wake up in the morning, that I love her. Concerned, she asked what happened and am I hurt? I just replied, "I'm blaming it on the juice cleanse. This ain't healthy. This is torture. Eat something, anything for your son, ma. Fuck this fucking juicy juice shit. I hate people."

9:20pm: Fuck it. Juice snack bitches.

9:30pm: Lights out.

Thursday - 6/6

Day 2 of this journey and all I have to say is, "Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK." This seriously has to be one of the Top 10 Stupidest Fucking Things J-Wunder Has Ever Done.

Nothing more to say about my second day on this cleanse other than take Day 1 and multiply this shit by 10. If I had a knife, fools would have been dead at work. Real talk. I'm talking "Blood In/Blood Out" or "American Me" dead, too.

What I would do for anything right now. A piece of dried up ass toast. A piece of fried chicken. I'd even eat a motherfucking eggplant if that shit was lying in dirt and ran over twice. That's how hungry and desperate I am people. I would throw salt on a piece of cardboard fucking box and eat that shit like it was a steak.

This is not going to end well. AT ALL.

I can't even write anymore, I'm so fucking annoyed. Fuck you fucking juice cleanse asshole cock sucker.

Friday - 6/7

4am: My stomach is rumbling. Am I just hungry or? Ah fuck. Is today the day? I've gone two days and just now realized that the demons haven't "unleashed". This can't be good. Not one bit. Why am I sweating? I remember people saying, "Haha. Get ready for your body to be in shock." What the fuck does that mean? Should I be scared?

4:30am: On the toilet. Crying. Shaking. Double face palming. I'm seeing stars. My ass isn't happy and it just got done playing "When the Saints go marching in"...the 10 minute extended version. Wait. Jesus, is that you?

People, what I was hoping for from Day 1, didn't hit me til the LAST DAY. I took one look at myself in the mirror and minus the revitalized skin I was able to get, I looked like Amy Winehouse on a 10 day coke bender with no sleep...mixed in with a little Charlie Sheen on a sober day. Not pretty.

I have 4-6 more of these fucking juices to drink and you know what? Fuck all that. I ain't drinking shit. I'm hungry. I almost killed my neighbors last night because those bitches thought it was funny to be bbq'ing steaks and shit next to a motherfucker who feels like he hasn't eaten a goddamn wholesome meal in 10 years and to top it off, I think I've lost my sex drive. My cinnamon ring has been trembling as if it's been sitting outside in a snowstorm for the last hour and I don't know if I can be 10 feet away from the shitter, it's that bad. I had to email work and tell them I'm working from home, basically because my asshole isn't cooperating and I don't trust myself enough to hop on a train into the city without making a chocolate fondu display in my goddamn pants.

These last 2.25 days have not only been fucked up but pretty fucking pointless to say the least. Why didn't I just get a colon cleanse at one of those "We do it all" day spas and eat a fucking salad and drink 3 glasses of water with lemon and cucumber slices afterwards? Shit would have done the same fucking thing. Come to think of it, why the fuck was I doing this again? I don't even fucking remember to save my life.


I'm sweating like a whore in church, I look like Robert Downey Jr. freebasing in the movie, "Less Than Zero" and I can't even think straight. Talk about complete mind fuck. This is a gang bang gone wrong.

It wasn't until around 3pm that I started to feel "normal" again. Hours passed and I still needed to drink 4-6 juices to complete my 3-Day cleanse. Knowing that, I said "oh hell no, son," ordered myself a big ass pizza from Round Table, picked that motherfucker up, sat down and ate that shit like it was the last piece of pussy on earth then pounded 3 beers. I'm gonna be real with y'all...that moment felt like motherfucking heaven. Better than any orgasm I've ever experienced.

NEWS FLASH: That was probably the dumbest fucking idea ever.

Never put your body in shock, to come back and put it right back in shock after the mother fucker was just IN shock.

Moral of the story: Never do something that sounds good, but doubt 100% of everything before going into it. When that happens and you give 90% effort then decide to go back to what you were used to doing, you will fuck yourself even more. If not forever, at least for the next 24 hours.



Anonymous said...

Poor guy. Just the fact that you can talk about it is awesome enough. Hope you gained something from this. Hahaha!

Anonymous said...

I was in TEARS!!!!! Laughing hysterically. Especially when the diarrhea hit!!


Anonymous said...

I was wondering why you didn't just go get a high colonic.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

This is exactly why you have the following you do! Straight up honesty, and humor, to boot! GG gets me through many long work days, Damn, I'm gonna but a tee shirt

Anonymous said...

read this again for like the 5th time and i still get tears every time. fuckin cinnamon ring hahahahah

L-Train said...

It was thinking about the fried chicken that did you in...

Unknown said...

Stab fools like Blood In Blood Out and American Me Hahahahaha oh fuck!!

Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!!! can even make a gd DIET sound like fun!!!! :D