Thursday, March 13, 2014

Advice Column: The Truth Shall Not Set You Free

To Ghetto Genius Headquarters:

I could not think of anyone or anywhere else that could offer me better advises than you guys because you don't know me so there is no bias and you can just give it to me straight based on the facts..well, my facts but I will try to be as objective as possible.

My girl and I have been dating for some time. We have been great together. In fact, we are so awesome, we have started talking about living together and the future. We just click very well and feel like we are legit made for each other. Our personalities and ways of thinking complement each other's perfectly. Of course we still have differences and sometimes disagree with each other, but can always discuss them in such a manner that is mature and civilized. So that is basically how we are. We are very happy with each other and please keep that in mind while you continue reading.

I myself am somewhat traditional. I personally would like to only have sex with my wife, so I still haven't had sex yet. I had known that my gf used to have sex with her ex before we started dating. It was weird and difficult to get used to knowing this piece of information, but I think I'm over it. However, recently she told me that her ex wasn't the first person she had sex with. She said her first was at a party in college and she had been curios in what sex was all about (as we all do at one point..hell, I am too). So she just did it with this guy. And I think they did it the second time too. I was very upset. I asked if she had done anything else with anyone. She said before the very first time, she and two of her friends (one guy and one girl) were on their way to a party. The guy was very drunk and he just went on her and started to make out with her. She responded too. When I asked why? She said he was a cool guy. I personally can never understand why someone would ever make him/herself so...easy. I have some friends who fool around and I never judge them because I realize that it's common and it's really each person's personal choice to make. And all I need to concern myself with is myself and that I should just stick to my own principles and shouldn't apply them to everyone around me because I ain't God or anything. Then with her ex, she said she felt like she couldn't say no, even though she never liked it. She was not even sexually inclined until after they broke up; the first times was just curiosity. When they finally broke up, she began to realize that the sexual experiences she had were meaningless and she'd rather not have done it. She wishes she had waited for the right person, namely, me.

I recognize that she and I have something very very very rare and special between us. And it'd be very stupid of me to throw it away for something in the past. Therefore, I am not planning to break up or anything. It never crossed my mind to break up with her. But I am still weirded out that my gf once was the person she was, or just uncomfortable with the decisions she made. I know the past doesn't change the present (which is the awesome person she is, and with whom I'm in love), and nothing can change the past and I ought to accept it if I want to keep being with her (which is exactly what I want).

So my question is: how best should I approach this that will help me get over it? I don't want things to be different. More specifically, I don't want to feel differently about her.

Please advise,
How to love the same?

Dear How To Love The Same,

What in the Degrassi Junior Fucking High is going on with the kids these days?!?! I use the Degrassi reference because I know you are Canadian and that Canadians LOVE them some motherfucking, Degrassi. Shit, even Drake got his start on the re-make of the low rent 90210. Seriously, your letter was so full of the woe-is-my-love-life meow meow, that I almost kicked the bitch that was giving me my pedicure earlier, because I could not believe all the fucking foolery that I was reading. Dear boy, your letter was so sad that you are getting a two-fer today. And not the two-fer like your lady friend got, but the kind where J-Wundercunt and I break shit down for you, on the super for-reals. This shit is going to be so hot it will melt that goddamn polar vortex that keeps blasting us with arctic air. 61 degrees in Florida in March? FUCK THAT. Moving on.

Listen slap-dick, you got yourself a real conundrum here, and you know what the worst part is? It's your own goddamn fault. You went and opened Pandora's Box and didn't like it when all the evils flew out and there was no hope in the actual myth. Don't ask, don't tell, while not a great thing in the military, should be rule numero fucking uno in a relationship because most people, wait for it...CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. You saw where I was going with the military stuff, right?

Look here my sweet little innocent Canuck, you NEVER...ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER ask a broad about her sexual past unless you know deep in your heart of hearts that if she tells you she has been in a 4 way with a midget-tranny, her bruncle (brother-unlce), and her best friend from high school, that you are going to be able handle that kind of truth-bomb and not be all fucked up over it. Kind of like you are now.

Now, here's the part where I fuck you up, and will kind of feel bad about it...actually, not really. See, when a girl is telling a guy that she digs her number of sexacpades, and she senses that she may not be down with how many rides she took on the P.T.E., she is probably going to fudge the number so she doesn't seem like the zombie sex kitten that she is. What you have to do is multiply that by 3, throw in a three-way, some same sex experimentation and you be on or around the real number. So, unless you and your  significant other are the kind of folks who think sex is awesomesauce and can't wait to rub your parts on each other and give zero fucks how many other people have rubbed on those parts, this revelation is going to cause you some heartache, which you now know. Literally and figuratively, Pandora's Box. And before I get even more medieval on that ass, I'm gonna let Mr. Wundercunt say a few words.

Broham...what in the God awful fuck are you thinking? When I read the words "I personally would like to only have sex with my wife, so I still haven't had sex yet," then proceed to read how your woman has rode the Pound Town Express with more than one Cockasauras Rex, it leads me to not only believe what H-Bomb served you, BUT that you have dug yourself a deep fucking hole, amigo. We all love the truth. How-the-fuck-ever, some motherfuckers can't handle the truth because that shit hurts like herpes. Sure you guys may be able to talk through some shit, but the more you ask and the more she tells you, whether or not it's a lie, all you're doing is putting fucked up shit in your head of her banging other fucking dudes who aren't you.

That said, what's going to happen when you actually do end up banging your broad? I'll tell you one thing, you are gonna feel like one insecure motherfucker. Straight up. But why you may ask? Well, if I was a betting man, I'd say knowing you have no clue what the fuck you're doing and she does, you will mind fuck yourself and get it in your head that she probably thinks you're an awful lay. From doing your standard missionary position to eating pussy like it's a piece of dookie on the sidewalk, you will be nervous and possibly hurt your cause because what she has done in the past is fucking up your sex life and future. You may think I'm full of shit but trust me, when someone lets someone else's sexual past get in the way of their thinking or relationship, all a motherfucker can do is obsess about it. To the point that you start assuming shit and you're a goddamn wreck...FOR NO FUCKING REASON. All because you wanted to ask a simple question that turned into a NYPD Blue investigation where it has you thinking you should start checking her panties for semen since she still might be fucking those said ex's. See where I'm going with this, playa?

This ain't about who your girl USED to be.


She's a female for fucks sake!!!! A female who is human who just so happened to fuck some dudes. And don't you for a goddamn second believe that whole, "she regretted ever doing such things" because brother one regrets what they chose to do. People make choices and unfortunately, some of those choices don't go the way they expected it to go. That's fucking life, brochacho. No one put a dick to her head and forced her to suck cock then ram it in her vagina like a kid trying to put a straw into a Capri Sun. Fuck all that.

You fucked up by asking questions that you knew you weren't ready to hear the answers to and unfortunately, dug yourself a big ass hole because you wanted to know more...even though you knew it was going to bother you. I mean, is it her fault you choose not to fuck anyone til you get hitched? Hey man, if you want a clean, pure girl...go and find one. I bet got a bunch of them pure ass bitches you would love to hold hands with, peck on the lips til your balls turn like Smurfs so you can go home every day and fuck that handy-dandy fleshlight, you recently invested in, 7 days a week.

The only way your meow meow ass is going to get over the fact that your girl is a member of the Pound Town Express is this...LET IT BE.

Your girl is with YOU. She's holding hands with YOU. She high fives YOU. She kisses YOU. She dry humps YOU. She gives YOU blue balls. Whatever people do who don't fuck, she's doing it with YOU. She probably day dreams about fucking those ex flames but at the end of the day, she ain't fucking anyone...even YOU. Ok, that last sentence was pretty fucked up but ask me if I care? Bottom line, you gotta just get over that shit, man.

In all honesty, if you really want to get this shit out of your head now, I'd make a day dedicated to yourself on the couch and a marathon. You will learn a ton of shit from that site and those vids. Plus, do you really want to wait til you get married to experience what she has already? Just sayin'. I'm not knocking that you want to wait, I'm just saying that you should think that for a woman who has already banged, she's gotta want the D super bad...especially if you ain't fucking her.

Good luck,

J-Wun and H-Bomb


Anonymous said...

Dude, sad. Get your white knight ass off your high horse and learn to fuck your woman, especially if you are entertaining a life together w/here. Marriage aint shit anymore, 10 years down the road when she has her claws in your retirement fund and decides to screw whomever she wants, she will, nothing you can do except pay her alimony, because marriage don't mean shit. Relationships are only as good as the people in them.

Anonymous said...

I'm still pissed so I will rant some more. She says she "didn't enjoy it", you better bone up on g-spot, c-spot, o-spot, u-spot, x??spot, positions, procedures, communication (especially about nasty stuff) everything. If all you bring to this union is your wallet, that is what you will leave behind. She has eaten from the tree of knowledge, which can be a good thing, but she hasn't figured out how good just yet it seems, you are sitting on the sidelines, recipe for disaster for you and any future kids.

Some peoples kids, I swear, continued self oppression is not the way in this situation.