Friday, June 13, 2014

Advice Column: The Mouth Is A Powerful Thing

Dear J-Wun,

Greetings from Hawaii! 

Alright bradda, got a crazy question but if anyone can help me, it's you! Give it to me straight and please don't sugarcoat anything. 

I'm with this amazingly hot swim suit model. She's great and not all bitchy and materialistic like some of this chicks can be. We got a great thing going. There's just one small problem...she's AWFUL at giving blow jobs. And says she LOVES sucking cock. Every time she goes down on me, I cringe because it's like I'm putting my penis through a firing squad. I'm not going to lie, I can't even ejaculate because it's more painful than pleasurable. 

What can I do to not be rude but help her give me better bj's?

The sex is great. The head is a complete disaster. One time, she used her teeth so much that I think she cut my dick. Looked like someone took a razor blade to it. 


Just Want Better Blow Jobs

Dear Just Want Better Blowjobs,

If there is ANYONE who can relate to you, it's me. 

As a person who has received many blow jobs from the hottest of hot chicks to the most ratchet bitches on the planet, it seems for every great bj I've received, I got 7 bad ones in a row. This is no fucking bullshit. As shameful as it is, I need you and the world to know because you're not alone, Tropic Thunder. You are not fucking alone. 

I'm not sure if these chicks didn't eat enough popsicles growing up or were raised Mormon so they weren't allowed to eat lollipops because when I say I had bad blow jobs, I mean, I had really bad fucking blow jobs. 

I kid you fucking not bro, one time, this girl chewed on my dick like it was a gummy worm. The original ones...not the sour ones either. It hurt so bad, I pulled her off me by her hair, slapped her titties then told her to bounce. Her explanation was, "I thought you liked it rough?" I said, "Rough is you choking me or me choking you. You went Jeffrey fucking Dahmer and tried to eat me, bitch. If I wasn't so scared of what you are capable of doing to me right this second, I'd call the fucking cops."

The next chick was bad...AT EVERYTHING. Kissing - FAIL. Sex - LIFE FAIL. Falacio - KILL ME. Let's put it this way, I would rather fuck a Dyson than ever experience what I did with this girl. Sex and kissing aside, when she'd go down on me, she would suck the top of my cock while Shake Weighting the shaft of my penis. It was like I was having a seizure while trying not to shit myself. Real talk. My poor dick never seen so much Neosporin in its life. And this was from like 3 experiences. The first one I was sober. And the second and third encounter, I think she roofied me. Matter of fact, I know that bitch roofied me because I woke up with a feather in my ass. I'm just sayin'. 

Then there was yet ANOTHER chick who was awful...and she did exactly what your chick is currently doing...putting your wang through the blow job ringer. And I'm not talking porno type cock sucking where the average male would cum in 3 slurps. I'm talking, "why am I letting this broad fuck my shit up right now" mouth fucking. Like your situation, the bj's were the only thing that were bad which makes no fucking sense considering she kisses like a champ and fucks like a bull rider...still confused about that shit. Anyway, as bad as her dick sucking skills were, I knew I could help her be better than what she was showing me. Now, I haven't sucked my own dick, but I've jerked off enough to know what my dick likes when I'm beating off with Dove soap in the shower. Ya feel me, bro?

So one day, I sat her down, looked her in the eyes and said:

"Sweety, you know how much I care about you right? We have a good thing going from a fuck buddy standpoint and everything is amazing...BUT, there is one thing that's kinda bugging me that I need to talk to you about. See, it's your blow jobs. Now, you know I LOVE getting my dick sucked. And in turn, you LOVE sucking dick. However, every time you go down on me, it's like some innocent kitten is dying because you are killing my vibe and more importantly, my penis. Trust me, it's not that bad...ok, it is a little but that's why I'm telling you. Because I KNOW you're better than teeth and whatever it is you do that makes my dick look like a gutted fish. I'm not asking you to stop sucking my dick, I'm just asking you to be more considerate to my junk. I mean, I'm not eating you out like I'm eating a bag of Doritos, right? And you know how much I fucking love Doritos. I love them so much that my sister can't even stand being around me when I open a bag. You and I both know that if I ate your vagina in such an awful way, you'd either not have me do it anymore or tell me to change things up to how YOU like it. There is no doubt in my mind that you can take your dick sucking game to the next level. And if not for me, then for the dudes whose dick you will be sucking if we aren't fuck buddies anymore. Sorry we had to have the talk, but I think this is going to make us stronger. Now let's go and have sex."

No joke, I said this to her. I broke it down to the point where I had to be honest. I mean, do you know how fucked up the next guy would be if her and I didn't work out and he had to go through that shit?! 


Brother, if you want this to work out for you, your ass needs to be honest but delicate to her feelings. They may not admit it, but EVERY girl thinks they are good at sucking dick. And quite honestly, I'd say 50% of women are...the rest will make men want to karate chop them in the fucking throat. 

Don't let your girl be that rejected 50% because she's on her way. Save that mouth from being bad when you know you can make it turn into something good.

If in fact the talk with her works, you're welcome. 

If it doesn't, well, then, you better practice on trying to suck your own dick. 


Ghetto Genius 


H-Bomb said...

How you gonna write a column about dick sucking and spell fellatio wrong??? Asshile.

Eliaz Beth said...

There's just one small problem...she's AWFUL at giving blow jobs. And says she LOVES sucking cock. Every time she goes down on me, I cringe because it's like I'm putting my penis through a firing squad. I'm not going to lie, I can't even ejaculate because it's more painful than pleasurable.