Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Advice Column: The Power Of The Nut

Good morning bromigo

thanks for the 'advice' last time, even though I wasn't downright feeling any advice given here, but however problem solved.

I come to you know for another matter. I had a conversation with a few of my mates the other day about the difference between just cummin' after banging a chick and I mean like REALLY FUCKING splattering the shit all over the fucking place. it seemed like I was the only one who sees a difference between cummin and cummin. I am not quite sure if you get me bud but I just wanted to check if at least someone who's with me on this one. and if there is one I'd be you.

give me your thoughts


Dear Jizzinator,

What the fuck did I just read right now?

Brother, I don't think anyone on this fucking galaxy knows what the fuck you're talking about. HOWEVER, we can always interpret, right? That's what I plan to do today. My interpretation between blowing your load and BLOWING YOUR FUCKING LOAD!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

Let's begin, shall we?

FACT: Men LOVE busting a nut. Doesn't matter if you're jerking off or fucking, any time we can cum in a sock, the shower, on some pastries or inside or on a female (or male for my gay brethren homies), we will. Any time, any where. We will break this down in two parts: Busting a nut when jerking off and busting a nut while have sex.

1) Busting a nut when jerking off
I like to consider myself a very routine guy. Whether it be when I wake up, eat, sleep, workout, whatever…I am pretty standard by the book when it comes to daily activities. Jerking off is one of those activities. However, being that I'm 35 and will be turning 36 this year, I have calmed down on the daily masturbation routines, not because I dislike it but, I have really bad tennis elbow so I gotta conserve my shit when yanking my dong like I'm trying to save a kid out of a water well…know what I'm saying'? Where was I? Oh, yeah…daily masturbation.

Typically, when I jerk off, I'll do it in the shower. Easy clean-up. No mess. No crusty socks. No missing socks (this one is pretty typical). The daily jerk off is great because I clean my pipes and my risk of colon cancer is reduced. More importantly, I'm just busting a nut and moving on about my fucking day. So that's that. Pretty boring, straight forward, yet, still pleasurable breaking some tile in my shower.

2) Busting a nut when fucking
I love fucking. Man, I love it a lot. As do a majority of men. Especially with a real person.

When you're in a relationship, sex should be a pretty standard thing. And for those people saving yourself for marriage, y'all bitches better be eating pussy, sucking dick and dry boning…just saying. Anyway, relationship sex is great because typically, the chemistry is so on point that you know what the fuck you're doing and both parties get off and get theirs, no questions asked. It's all that romantical shit people do with the dirty talk, in-and-out dick pumps, booty bouncing stuff that makes the orgasm amazing. So when it comes time to bust a nut, you bust one and you bust it good…but in a polite way. This includes but not limited to: in her vagina, in her mouth, on a towel, on her stomach but within a 4 inch radius, on the small of her back avoiding her hair that she just got done at the salon, in a sock, off to the side, or on yourself.

The nut you busted was good, pleasurable and worth every minute of it.

Now let's talk about really BLOWING A FUCKING LOAD!!!!!!

Same scenarios apply (kinda), so let's do this.

1) BUSTING A NUT when jerking off
This right here is some intense fucking shit. I'm talking code blue, I had a really long fucking day at work…I haven't fucked in, I don't know…months…maybe years and I am going blind out of both eyes, type of shit.

You grab your phone because fuck computers, that's why…type in your favorite free porn site, search for whatever you're feeling that day…I'm gonna guess it ranges anywhere from "gang bangs" to "Asian MILF's who speaka no Engrish", have a seat and get into the zone of what is about to become EPIC!

You're in a fucking mood and it's one of those moods where you feel like your dick could and will destroy anything and anyone that gets in its way…it's that goddamn intense. So you're watching this porno like a mad man trying to wrap up his taxes at 11:59pm on April 14th, yanking the living shit out of your cock…and when I say yank, I mean you are really getting after it. Typically, you wouldn't treat your own dick like this but again, fuck your dicks feelings, you just need to release that white demon inside of your nut sack. Yank after pull after yank after pull, you are beating the fuck out of your dick and that's when it happens…

*cue church music and a bright glare from the heavens*

You BUST A FUCKING NUT!!! And when I say you bust one, you really bust one. I'm talking the shit that makes your legs tremble from the waist down while you let out a little fucking fart because you can't control what the fuck just happened. There's cum on you, your phone, on the bed, coffee table, hell, it's on that Chipotle burrito you put to the side while you were "taking care of some man shit".

All is well in the world as you clean up, grab a beer, eat your goddamn burrito and turn on SportsCenter.

2) BUSTING A NUT when fucking
Take what I just mentioned above but times this shit by 1 million. Why? Well for starters, you ain't fucking your hand and secondly, you ain't fucking your hand. I'm gonna ignore and disregard for a quick moment that when you BUST A NUT in this special case, you aren't in a relationship and are fucking some floozy, ratchet, whore skank who is down for the D. However, if you are in a relationship and are cheating, well then, this applies to you.

You and your dick have been caged up from the pussy for quite a bit of time…but not long enough to say you feel like a virgin again…just enough to realize that if you are gonna fuck someone, they better have 9-1-1 on speed dial.

Low and behold, you find a chick who is down that you have no intentions on dating, in the interim, and you go back to her place to just get freak fucking nasty. This is where SHIT GETS REAL!!!

You guys are fucking. And when I say fucking, I'm talking some dirty, low down, dirty shame, abusive shit.

Cock is gagging her throat. Bitch is fish hooking your mouth. Both parties being choked. Slaps to the ass and punches to the titties are really fucking happening. It's angry and all-out amazing sex. Domestic violence ain't got shit on what's going down.

Your dick is fucking like you've never seen it perform. For every dick stroke that goes in and out of that woman's vagina, is more power that is ramping up in your nut sack and arsenal. Minutes turn into what almost feel like days then it happens…

You BUST A FUCKING LOAD THE SIZE OF MOUNT FUCKING FUJI! Shit is so intense and so breath taking, you feel as if you saw blood come out yo dick, son!

Knowing this bitch don't know your life and you don't know hers, right has you pulled your dick out and loaded that motherfucker with a billion children in your sack, you point at this chick who is now your open target and fire the fuck away. I'm talking face, freshly shampooed hair, titties, ears, arms (for good measure) and lastly, you put it back in her mouth, only to tell her to not swallow and show your left over load like they do in those porno's with them dumb college bitches, because that is how you treat a bitch that doesn't have respect for herself or the herpes you might be packing in your pants.

I'm talking you bust a "I don't give a fuck about life or you" load, type shit.

Now, let's say you ARE in a relationship and your girl likes to get cum all over her like the hoe I just described…then all you gotta do is replace the people. Make sense?

So there you have it. My interpretation of what the fuck you just asked on cumming and cumming.

Cumming is cool and bad ass, but CUMMING can fuck up peoples lives but still make you feel awesome.

God Bless,



Anonymous said...

Sometimes you or she (or he if that is your thing) just hits the right spot and that shit is magical.

Anonymous said...

so with you on this one. was actually wondering if I was the only person thinking that way.
Sometimes it's just 'yeah I came... great, where's my beer?'
some other time it's like you blasted your damn balls out and are completely dehydrated and can't breath properly and just reach for the beer cuz you are indeed thirsty and not just bored