Friday, February 20, 2015

Advice Column: 50 Shades of Fucking



Dear J-Wunder,

So over this past weekend, I took my boyfriend with me to watch "50 Shades of Grey". Even though I knew he wouldn't like it, I wanted to give him hints on how we might be able to get a little freakier in the bedroom. Sex has been not the greatest as of late so hopefully this will make him see the light.

Is that bad? Is this something normal for a woman to do? Am I bitch because of it?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Lots of love,
I want it the 50 Shades way



Dear I Want It The 50 Shades Way,

It hasn't even been a fucking week, and I already received a fucking email involving some 50 Shades of bullshit.

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Look, I don't read. That may be surprising to some of you considering I wrote a book and write a blog. But hey, it is what it is. And even though I don't and can barely read, for the last, what seems like, 10 goddamn years, all I've been hearing bitches talk about is 50 Shades of this…50 Shades of that. "I can't wait to see the MOVIE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH….MY PANTIES ARE SO FUCKING SOAKED. OMG. IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN TWILIGHT! OMG, OMG, OOOOOOOOOO….EEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMM…GEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Are you fucking kidding me ladies?

Listen to yourselves for a hot second.

You read a series of the 50 Shades saga and all of the sudden, you know how to get wet again and go from "I only fuck in the missionary position" to "I like to be choked, shit on, punched and whipped like a bad little girl."

Are you fucking fucking me right this minute, people?!

I don't know how good the book or movie was, nor do I give two shits. How-the-fuck-ever, for some chick to take her man to this movie to give him "hints" on spicing up their sex life, has got to be one of the Top 3 dumbest fucking things I have ever heard of.

One word you need to pay close fucking attention to:

COMMUNICATION

You ever heard of that shit?

I'm assuming not, since you took him to a movie he had no interest in seeing to try and prove some god awful point on how you want to be fucked and sexed up. You wasted perfectly good money and his time when you could have fired up pornhub.com for free.

See, any normal woman wouldn't have to take her man to a movie like "50 Shades of Grey" to say without saying, "Babe, this is how I want you to be with me when it comes to sex." Fuck no, chica. That ain't the fucking business. You get your ass kicked for doing some shit like that.

A normal woman would sit her bitch ass man down, look him dead in the fucking eyes and break it down like this:

"Baby, we've been dating for "X" amount of time and I've been thinking…You know, when we first were together, we had so much passion and fire every time we had sex. It was like we had this connection that was absolutely mind blowing. Anything we did to one another, especially what you did to me, gave me butterflies to the point that it had me wanting more each and every time. I love you and your cock so fucking much that well, things to have gotten off path. Don't get me wrong honey, I love fucking you and sucking your cock…and I absolutely love it when you go down on me, whenever you're not tired, but, I'm just not feeling that fire as of late and I'm asking you to find a way for us to get that back.

What I mean is, I want you to fuck me like you straight own my pussy. Pound my vagina like you're fighting for your life in prison, type shit. Making love is great every once in a while, but baby, sometimes I just liked to be fucked and fucked so good that when you're done with me, I need to be by myself for a few minutes to figure out what the fuck just happened. Is that too much to ask for?

If it means you want me to suck your dick like a porn star in a 10 man gangbang, then so be it. I want to be that sexy bitch you once desired and boned til it felt like your dick was bleeding semen. Want me to dress sexier? I'll go to the strip club right this goddamn minute and buy those bitches clothes off their backs just so I can be YOUR hoe…I'll do the booty bounce, heel-clack combo if that's what it takes. I'm not joking, boo.

Me telling you all of this isn't an ultimatum by any means. It's me telling you, I want that man who knew and knows how to dick me down when it's time to check into the Pound-A-Puss Inn Express. We lost that and I want it back AND more. I want you to experiment with me all the things your heart desires. Tie me up, choke me…hell sweety…I give you permission to give me a pearl necklace if that's what you want. You know what turns me on and if we can add more to your arsenal, then let's do it. 

My coochie is your temple and your big ass dick, is mine. 

So what the fuck do you say? Because I say, we aren't getting younger, we're together, we love one another and we know one of the pieces that's gonna keep us happy…"

How the fuck could you not do something like this? You can open your mouth when you're sucking his cock but can't say, "Babe, we need to talk about spicing shit up in our sex life." Instead, you take this poor bastard to a fucking movie and give him "hints" on what you want.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Bitch, this ain't a history test. You realize he's a guy right? You think him watching a fucking movie that isn't a porno is gonna make some goddamn lightbulb go off in his head?! Then have him saying after the movie, "Hey honey, you know…that movie was making me think that maybe when we get back home, I should tie you up, gag you, then stick my dick in your pussy while you're asking to be whipped with my belt. What do ya say about that?"

NO JACKASS.

Like my homegirl, H-Bomb, has always stated, "Men are simple creatures." You trying to provide hints off some chick flick is like him taking you to a hot-oil wrestling match in hopes you get the hint that he wants you to get in shape, do some freaky stuff like this, then suck his dick while you're choking the fuck out of him with them thighs. Wake the fuck up and smell the dry cum, woman.

Talk to your man. Tell him what the fuck you want. I don't care if it's after you watched the movie, but open your fucking mouth and speak. Hint? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

Here's a hint: Fuck off with your dumb ass ideas.

If you want something as bad as you want to get dicked down, then let that fool know. Ain't no movie gonna make him want to fuck you the way you want it. Tell him how you want that shit so he can man the fuck up and do it. Now, if he doesn't and y'all stay in the missionary position for the next couple of months or y'all are lacking sex overall, then he's probably fucking some other broad. Regardless, say something, woman! Jesus fucking Christ, say something and get the sand out of your vagina.

Be confident enough in yourself to express what you want without using a book or movie. Because you know this fool was watching that shit thinking, "This bitch is into some shit and she only wants me to fuck her missionary and doggy style on Sunday's." I get that all you ladies are into this 50 Shades fantasy land. If y'all want that, go live in a fucking castle.

Communicate. Then you're all good.

Happy Fucking,

J-Wunder

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