Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Advice Column: Caught In The Act



Dear J-Wunder,

I come to you for help. Like big time. I think I know what to do, but I don't. I was home last weekend watching some tv while my son (who is 6) was down for a nap. Bored out of my mind, I decided to pop open the laptop and rub one out since I had some time to myself. I'm a fan of Bang Bus so I click on a video, turn up the volume and start doing my business. Well right as I'm getting into it and finishing off, my son comes running downstairs and I start to lose my shit everywhere while you can hear a chick getting murdered by a huge cock in the background. There was no holding back because I was in mid-ejaculation. Jizz all over my computer screen and coffee table. My son just stood there, looked stunned and had no idea what happened or what the hell was erupting out of my penis.

Not sure what to do or say. He'll look at me from time to time and do a jerking off motion when he puts his hand in his pants. He makes the faces and all. I'm embarrassed.

What do I tell him before my wife asks?

Thanks,
Caught In The Act



Dear Caught In The Act,

What the fuck am I gonna do with some of you people? Y'all have no shame in writing me…I guess that's why y'all write me, right? Crazy motherfuckers, I tell you.

I read your email this morning and pretty much spit my basic bitch of a vanilla latte all over my computer screen…thanks, btw. Took me 10 fucking minutes to calm the fuck down because that's some awful shit that would happen to me, if I were you.

Never get too comfortable when kids are asleep. Seems like those little fuckers always show up when you least expect it. Whether you're fucking, sucking, take a shit with the door open, or in your case, rubbing one out and actually blowing your wad, kids are there like guardian fucking angels. They never seem to miss those "moments".

We were all kids once. I don't know about any of you, but having 3 older brothers, I always wanted to get in their business…especially if they were with a chick.

I remember it like it was yesterday…

I was in the 3rd or 4th grade and I remember my older brother brought some chick home. From what I remember, she was hot but her teeth were all fucked up. Front grill looking like a crowded elevator and shit. Anyway, I was taking a nap and I remember hearing some chick make a shit ton of noises. Noises as if she was being hurt. The thing was, she wasn't calling for help. Confused because I had no idea what was going on, I went to investigate the situation.

I walk down the hallway and tip-toe my way towards my bro's room because I don't know if there was an intruder or what. 10 seconds later, I get to my bro's door and I noticed it was cracked open to where I can see inside. All of the sudden, I see this naked chick on top of my brother fucking his brains out but at the time, I thought she was having a seizure or my bro was trying to perform some sort of exorcism on her. I mean, I didn't know what was going on, all I know was that I was watching some chick shake emphatically with titties bouncing all over the place. And you know what? I was digging it.  Not even a second goes by and I have a hard-on the size of a mature field mouse. What was I watching? What is going on? Why is she still screaming? Why is my bro grunting? Is this how adults dance when they get older? Why am I not turning away and staying quiet? Is this how babies are made? Why do they keep talking about doggystyle? I don't see any dogs.

What felt like 3 days, was probably 5 minutes. But 5 of the best minutes I will never forget. It was then when I either sneezed or farted and the chick heard me and told my brother to go to the door. He rushes over, mumbles some shit, closes the door and finally locks it. Motionless, speechless and still with a baby hard-on, I just smiled. Smiled because whatever I just witnessed, I knew I was going to do someday, too.

From that day forth, two things happened: 1) My brother never discussed with me what he was doing and why him and that chick were both naked and 2) He always locked his bedroom and put a towel on the floor by the 2 inch gap under the door (thanks, Digital Underground).

I'll never know why he never spoke to me about that day and this brings me to the advice I want to give you:

Knowing what I witnessed, it was odd there was never a conversation about it from my brother. Because of that non-existent convo, I lived years with odd boners and an obsession with titties. It took my own soul searching to know what sex was, how it works and that all those convulsions and screams, were a good thing.

My brother denied me those things and what I need you to do is not be like my brother. You need to sit your son down and tell him what the fuck is up. You need to tell him that sometimes, dudes do shit like that. They jerk off while watching shit like porno or looking at boobie mags. And if he asks why? You tell him why. You tell him why on that fateful day, you decided to open up your laptop, go to BangBus.com, and choke your chicken til you plastered your computer screen and his grandma's coffee table. Doing so, he will get a sense of appreciation and love you more for it.

Now, if he asks if you guys can jerk off together, tell him to calm the fuck down and do that shit on his own fucking time. I love and am a big fan of Michael Jackson but, that's some Michael Jackson, bring all the kids to Neverland Ranch, type of shit.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

I know you're embarrassed, I know your son does little things to remind you of that tragic day but let's be real…this was a good thing that happened. It's only gonna be better if you tell him and make him understand that males do shit like that. It just comes down to when you're ready, bored, horny and sometimes single or forever alone.

Good luck and remember, don't deprive your son of whacking his willy. That shit is healthy, yo!

Word,

J-Wun


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