Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Advice Column: Whores Be Like...

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a 28 year old mom of 2. I'm in the process of separating from my husband. I'm gonna need to get laid sooner than later. How do I get what I want without coming off like a whore? I’d like to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Thanks!

Dear Future Whore of America, 

You didn’t sign off with some cutesy ass name on your email, so, for the purposes of this column, I have assigned one to you that you may or may not like. You can count on no fingers the number of fucks I give. You're welcome.   

I know there's a big misconception that a majority of single women who have sex are goddamn whores. People who think that way need to be ass-raped with a rake and spiked bat by an actual whore. These are the same motherfuckers who are not “for the gays” and who have likely never drank alcohol which, by the way, I highly recommend. I mean, if our homeboy Jesus could get fucked up off wine, why can the goddamn universe do it without guilt, right? Chill the fuck out, people. I'm a dude who loves to fuck. I know a lot of broads who are single who aren't whores, except during sexy time. But isn’t that what us dudes like? Hell, isn't it what some of you bitches like, too? And I quote from our boy, Ludacris, “I want lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” Come at me, bro.    

What I’d like to start with, though, is what you said about your marriage. You said, “I’m in the process of separating from my husband…” What in the worldly fuck does that exactly mean, sweetheart? Does that mean you’re considering telling him you're about to bounce like a big ass pair of titties? Or that you’ve already told him but you’re still living together? Or that you’ve told him and one of you has moved out? Why do you ladies always gotta say some shit then confuse the fuck out of dudes like me, huh? You write this shit on your period or something? 

In any event, peep it...  

If you haven’t told him yet then, yes, you will come off like a whore. A dirty one too. PS - I LOVE DIRTY WHORES. Wait, what? Where was I...yes, you and this whole separation bullshit. 

Even if you’ve told him but you’re still living with him, you will come off looking like a whore. Sorry, sweet thang, I know…but the truth stings like fucking herpes, doesn’t it? 

The fact is that the only people who are going to encourage you to go out and start boning random motherfuckers are the girlfriends with whom you have shared the misery of your marriage. The ones who listened to you cry and "whaaaaaa whaaaaaaa" your way about your situation and held your hair while you puked on Girls’ Night. Do yourself a favor and don’t listen to them right now. You know why? Because some Friday night you’re going to be out in a bar or club, drunked up and super whorey, dancing like Jodie Foster in that rape movie, and someone is going to see you. Someone whose thoughts and opinions are important to your husband, like his brother or sister, his BFF or his Mom (because she’s probably a whore who frequents these whorey clubs). It may take a moment, as I’m not sure how smart or really fucking dumb you are, but you will realize that while you were sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of your friend Cindy's 17th pregnancy/STD tests, you got some really bad fucking advice from your homegirls. 

“Forget that asshole!! Go fuck his best friend!”  

“You’re single now – go fuck everyone!!” 

"Remember my friend, Tom? Yeah, I never told you this til now BUT, he totally wants to fuck you and eat your booty like groceries. Like totes magotes serious, girlfriend." 

But you know what?  Don’t do that shit, future Whore Spice. If you’re still living with dude, wait that shit out. Watch some porn and double-click your mouse 6 times a day if you want and need to, but don’t dip out while you’re still living with your husband. You see, Fatal Attraction? That could be you...the motherfucker who might fucking die. 

Unless he cheated first then, fuck it. GAME ON, son. See if you can fuck his brother, sister, BFF or Mom (because, hey, everyone else has) and use Instagram, Facebook and even fucking Twitter to your highest and best advantage. You also need to consider how your kids would be effected by your whoredom. When men think someone else is fucking their woman, they will trip the fuck out and say some shit that can’t be unsaid and can’t be unheard. Don’t subject your kids to that shit. Wait it out, because no dick in the WORLD...big or Benjamin Button small, is worth the looks on your children’s faces when their dad tells them their mother is a cum-belching road whore who eats ass on Sunday's and gets that shit in return. Ya feel me? 

From the way it's sounding though, you're probably still living with dude and, if that’s the case, the advice above is the best I have to offer your ass. How-the-fuck-ever, if you’re no longer living as husband and wife, I would say do your thang, girlfriend. Do it big, do it smart, do it well. You go and fuck like dick is about to go extinct. Wash that pussy though bc some of you bitches let shit marinate, don't clean up properly and end up smelling like there's a dead fucking prostitute in your goddamn vagina. 

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!! Especially new fucking dick. Desperate dick on the other hand...Wait, what?! 

Nothing says “Good Time” like an almost-30-year-old MILF climbing out the post-marital cage for the first time. You’re emotionally raw and vulnerable, you’re gonna drink too much, and you’re going to want to fuck like your boy, J-Wunder, on a Thursday night. FYI - there is a lot of fucking that I do on Thursdays...not sure how the fuck that happened but my dick gets "fuck ready" every Wednesday. Straight up. 

There are not enough women like that in the world (fellas will agree with me on that) and you will be met with much adoration and respect. And cocks. Lots and lots of fucking cocks. Big cocks. Little cocks. Pink cocks. Black cocks. Yellow cocks. Brown cocks. "I just went for a 10 mile run, you wanna fuck" cocks. Choose wisely. Bad boning choices can come back to haunt your slutty ass in so many fucking ways. Trips to one clinic or another, antibiotics, stalking – it can all go so bad, so fast. If you are really feigning for some dick that you can't wait, pick one, make him a secret fuck buddy and work your magic on the DL. Because that's what whores do. 

You’re welcome.  Hoe. 

J-Wunder the Almighty. 

1 comment:

Jess can be a mess! said...

Great advise. Side note, I'm usually fuck ready by mid day Tuesday...