Thursday, October 3, 2019

Advice Column: The Grass Has Better Dick On The Other Side

J fucking Wunder,

I gotta question I need your sexy ass help in answering.

I'm a 50yr old female,good lookin' (i think) and recently separated from an 25 yr old marriage. Yes my soon to be ex is a major DOUCHE. 

My question is about sex. While married to my ex, sex was ok. Every once in a while it would be better than ok, but never great,and yes I treated it like gold, cuz he only got it once a week,  I might add.

Recently I've been letting a 40 yr. old married man hit my shit about 3-4 times a week. If I could FUCK him everyday, every morning, noon and night I would. This man does it so good, my toes curl just thinking about fuckin' him, my panties fall to the ground just hearing his voice. Serious talk, if I know in the morning, I'm gonna get fucked by him in the evening, I AM WET ALL FUCKIN' DAY...Like a water slide, no lie...

I like to be fucked by #1 so much, I've let him do all kinds of "first times" to me. Things I would NEVER had let my ex do.

 I'm driving my guy and girlfriends crazy with my behavior. See they know me as pretty independent, smart, confident woman and they don't get why I would let #1 control me like he does. And by control I don't mean like crazy control freak shit, I'm mean if he calls, I'm droppin' everything to meet him in a parking lot and give him the best blow job ever because that's what my #1 wants.

So here's my question: Who's really in control? Him because he can say "I'll be over in 10 minutes" and my answer is "what do you want me wearing, baby" and  whatever he says, you bet your sweet ass, he'll get it.

Or me, because by keepin' #1 happy I'm having FABU-FUCKIN'-LOUS sex???

Slip 'N Slide

Dear Slip 'N Slide,

The first time I jerked off, I was a Freshman in high school. No lie. I was chillin’ at my boy, Saul’s house, and I was introduced to the art of “choking my chicken”. I had no clue what the fuck it was about, all I was told was to take the Big Gulp I just got done pounding, take it to the bathroom, rub some of his sister’s strawberry melon lotion on my wang and start yanking my shit til “I felt the volcano erupt”. Those were his exact fucking words too. “Bro, stroke your dick til you feel the volcano unleash from your body. Make sure you point in the cup. I don’t want you fucking up my mom's towels. They’re from Mexico and she’ll kill me if you get them crusty.” True story.

I went into his Mexican decorated ass bathroom with every candle of Mary fucking Magdalene and Jesus staring at me and went to town on my ding-a-fucking-ling. Hard as a pound puppy and lubed up like a whore’s mouth in a 10-man gangbang, I was feeling a sensation that I never thought I would ever feel. With every goddamn stroke, I was feeling this tingle. A tingle so fucking exhilarating that I felt like I was going to explode. Then it happened…

KA-BOO-YA-BLAM-O ALL UP IN THE HIZ-OUSE!!!! (y'all just took a deep ass breath, huh?)

My little ass pecker was like a motherfucking fire hose squirting everywhere. It felt so goddamn good that I forgot to aim IN the cup and came ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE. There was jizz all over my buddies mom’s towels from Tijuana...some more baby gravy on the sink…hell, I even came all over the Mary Magadalene and Jesus candles. And you know what? IT FELT MOTHERFUCKING WONDERFUL. Not that I came all over Jesus and Mary, but that I actually came like an elephant taking a piss at the zoo (if you've never seen an elephant take a piss, you need to watch that shit. It's motherfucking mesmerizing). And you know what happened from that day forth? I jerked off every fucking day. Three times a day. FOR YEARS. I was a goddamn functioning jerker off-er. Didn’t matter if I had sex with some broad, I still did my jerk off ritual like it was the very first time (minus the religious candles, Mexican towels and a 64 ounce Big Gulp). Just saying.

I wasn't addicted to jerking off. I was addicted to busting a nut. I became a monster. The hand fucking version of the Incredible Hulk. Don't get it twisted though, I wasn't a goddamn perv jerking off in every place I could. Just the usual spots - bathroom, shower, bedroom, high school locker room (before basketball games, of course), girlfriend's mom's bedroom. Wait, what? What was I saying again? Oh yeah...I was a masturbating monster that couldn't stop. Because honestly, I didn't want to. The feeling was just too damn motherfucking good. I had every excuse to yank my pole. Headache? I'm jerking off. Stressed? That's right...I'm playing tug-n-pull. Happy? You bet your sweet ass I was making it rain 1 million children. Sad? Sympathy masturbation. Angry? Hate hand. You get the picture.

The point I'm trying to make here Slip 'n Slide Magee is that if you experience something so great that you want that feeling over and over and over again, you're gonna keep doing it. Why? Because you've never felt something so amazing like that before. In your case...25 goddamn years. That's a long fucking time to never feel something so good, you come back for more. Ya feel me?

You fucking Jack Hammer Johnson is like the first time I masturbated in my buddies's a feeling that can't be explained to those who never experienced such a fucking thing. Sure there may be a debate from your friends that "sex ain't that good to just leave your peeps at the drop of a hat." Fuck yeah it just haven't experienced it yet. Good sex is a hard thing to find believe it or not. I mean, if you can stay wet for 8-12 hours, this dude must be doing something right or you're just a goddamn whore looking for cock that is willing to fuck you after 25 years of your pussy being famished. The flood gates have finally opened in the Sahara.

Keep doing what you're doing because in the end, it's gonna go down one of two ways:

1) You're gonna keep fucking Jack Hammer Johnson because it really is THAT good.


2) You're gonna realize you're really bored and you just got excited because you had new cock after 25 years of being you decide to become a whore and fuck a rainbow of cocks instead of just one.

Oh, and as for who's in control of your fuck fest situation? No one is...because did you ever realize that maybe, just maybe Jack Hammer Johnson fucks you good because he hasn't had pussy in 25 years too?

I'll let you fuck me...for 2 dollars,


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