Wait, What?! Podcast: Episode 16 - What Aren't We Drinking w/Dan Dunn

Wait, What?! Podcast: Episode 11 - The Great Debate & Your Guide To Some Movie Mind Fucks

Wait, What?! Podcast: Episode 8 - Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...Oh, And Other Shit, Too

75 Thoughts Everyone Has When Hungover At Work

 

1. I will make it through this day I will make it through this day.

2. If I survived public transport I can survive eight hours of pretending to work.

3. Maybe if I keep a low profile no one will know I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

4. And that I’m drinking Coke at 9am.

5. And that I smell of Jagerbombs.

6. And disappointing sex.

7. Clutching onto an egg McMuffin like it’s your last bit of crack is probably a bit suspicious though.

8. Thank you McMuffin for bringing light into an otherwise dark and twisted world.

9. Not eating last night was a mistake.

10. A mistake among many other horrible mistakes.

11. Like telling Amy from accounts my dream about David Attenborough doing some very sexy ironing.

12. And how turned on I was by it.

13. Very turned on.

14. Why does everyone looks so productive?

15. Look at them, working.

16. LOSERS, ALL OF YOU. 

17. I do NOT want to be here.

18. Oh god, John is asking me about a report already.

19. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME JOHN?

20. Can you not see I’m in no fit state to talk to you about fucking bar charts John?

21. I’m eating a double sausage and egg McMuffin and drinking a can of fucking Coke FOR CHRIST’S SAKE JOHN.

22. I think he’s noticed I’m basically brain dead.

23. The drool was a nice touch.

24. Albeit completely involuntary.

25. I just want to go home.

26. Would anyone even notice me if I left?

27. I’m really not important here guys.

28. Just fire me.

29. I fuck everything up anyway.

30. I don’t even know how to use the printer.

31. Maybe I’ll force them to fire me. 

32. I’ll punch John in the face.

33. No, need money.

34. Money to keep up this shameless, hedonistic lifestyle.

35. I’m like Jordan fucking Belfort.

36. What is our CEO doing on this floor?

37. Nothing to see here Madam CEO, just me working on some very important slides.

38. Some very important slides that just say “slides” but in different colours.

39. Quite good really.

40. God, I don’t want to do anything.

45. Turns out pretending to work is harder than actually working.

46. I’m just gonna go to the loo, if I’m lucky I’ll be sick.

47. Or I’ll have a poo.

48. The toilet is so warm.

49. I’ll just close my eyes for a second.

50. Or a minute.

51. Maybe an hour.

52. SHIT HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?

53. How is it only 11am?

54. This is the longest day in the history of man.

55. Someone save me.

56. I’m gonna take lunch early and have another nap in the supplies cupboard.

57. Wait who’s in here?

58. Oh, just another desperate colleague filled with all-consuming shame.

59. Feel a bit better about myself now.

60. Boozy lunch at the pub is being discussed.

61. This could go two ways.

62. I could feel better, hair of the dog and all that.

63. Or, I could feel worse and be sick everywhere and have to go home.

64. Either way I win I guess.

65. This is probably the best decision I’ve made all week.

66. Well that was probably the worst decision I’ve made all week.

67. That, and letting David Attenborough undress me with his feet.

68. I’m going to stare at my screen and think about my life choices.

69. Thank god Friday is not even a real working day.

70. Can people not see the pain I am in?

71. Everyone’s clocking off at 5 and fucking off to the pub.

71. Maybe I can slip out too as if I’m going with them.

73. Then run off home and question my entire existence.

74. Or I could just go to the pub and do it all again…

75. WAIT FOR ME JOHN!

J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types

Booze. Whether it be beer, wine, hard liquor or some gay ass Mike's Hard Lemonade, we all know any amount of alcohol does something to you. "What does it do, J-Wun?" Glad you asked, fuckers.

Booze gets people, well...DRUNK. This is a fucking given. I don't care what you drink...if you drink enough of it, you will be W-A-S-T-E-D! True story. Now, getting "drunk" is kind of a broad statement...so to be more specific, I will list the kind of drunk you have either 1) Been, 2) Seen, or 3) Heard of. And since there are so many different types, I decided to break it down in a series for all of you to enjoy. So with out further adieu, I present to you, "J-Wunder's Top 10 Drunken Types."

1) Happy Drunk: Nothing better than seeing a happy drunk. You know why? Because these mother fuckers don't let shit get to them. For example, your buddy Brad is completely wasted but happy drunk beyond belief...you turn to him and say, "Hey Brad, bad news buddy...your sis just told me your mom died." You know what Brad says? Brad says with a drunk fucking smile, "That's a bummer. She was fucking old anyway. Can you pass me a few beers? It's beer pong time." Yeah, that's how happy some mother fuckers will get when intoxicated. Mom dies...who gives a shit. I'm happy.

2) Angry Drunk: This is the opposite of happy drunk. I don't know what it is but, anytime someone drinks either Tequila or Whiskey, they get fucking piiiiiiiiissssed! Ain't no one smiling after 4 drinks in...I'll tell you that fucking much. The angry drunk is quite comical. Why? Well for starters, they get angry for no fucking reason. At.All. It's like the devil spiked their drink and all of the sudden, chairs are flying across the goddamn bar because good pal, Ronny, got looked at funny by a fucking tranny. The angry drunk finds reasons to fight. 91% of the time, it's for the dumbest shit ever imagined. I get that you're mad Terry Tough Guy, but for fuck's sake, can you at least tell me why you want to fight the bathroom stall right now? What did that inanimate object ever do to you? Fucking jerk.

3) Horny Drunk: What has always been the fastest way to get laid? Get a mother fucker drunk. All you need is 2 hours, a bottle or 12-pack of something and a corner. A corner, J-Wunder? Yes, a corner...you know...for when you're about to smash that ass when "you think" no ones looking. Isn't it funny the shit you think is a good idea, when you're wasted? Horny drunk is good and bad. Good because there is a great chance you're getting laid and about orgasm yourself into a goddamn seizure. Bad because the person you're about to bone, probably has some sort of STD, plays the field more than the Oakland Raiders and is probably uglier than shit. Hence, beer goggles. Bless those things sometimes. The beauty of being horny drunk though is that you don't have a care in the fucking world on who you're hooking up with. Case in point...this guy.

It's all fun and games until you wake up the next day with a thong on your head that looks like it was worn by a goddamn elephant and you smell like a sausage factory dipped in sweat. Ask yourself, was it worth it? If only you could have had 2 beers and not 15, right? Riiiiight jerkoff.

4) Emotional Drunk: There is nothing more annoying than watching someone cry for no fucking reason...for hours on end. You know, if you took the angry drunk and made him a little bitch, what you would get is...the Emotional Drunk. This my friends, is the worst possible drunk you could ever be. Seriously. The emotional drunk pertains more to women than men. Sorry ladies but you know this shit is true. A night out on the town, drinks are flowing...you're dancing like Kevin fucking Bacon in Footloose when all of the sudden, you realize you're having too much fucking fun or something and you start to cry. Like someone stole a box of donuts from a fat kid. Bitch please. Crying really? How did you go from being the dancing queen and having a blast, to crying like you just heard someone killed your fucking cat? I know how...you drank too much goddamn booze. It must be something that God installed in women because once you get a chick past a certain point of alcohol consumption, bitches start crying over shit. Which translates to not a goddamn thing. All of the sudden you're sad. Nobody likes you. You can't find love. You hate people. You want to die. You're too fat. You're too skinny. You haven't had sex in, I don't know, EVER. You couldn't just have fun could you? You have to fuck it up by being emotionally fucked up over things that don't make sense and nobody cares about. Thanks. Bitch.

5) Hungry Drunk: When you get high, you get the munchies. Guess what? When you get fucking shit can wasted, you get the munchies too. I've been there, you've been there...we've all been there. I'm talking about the Hungry Drunk, people. It's 2am and you just got home from a party...open up the cabinets because it's about to get Emeril Lagasse up in this bitch. Top Ramen - BAM! Grilled fucking Cheese - BAM! Hot mother fucking Pockets - BAM BAM BAM! Nachos - Stop this shit...BAM! I'm convinced booze has weed in it. If it doesn't, then why the hell do we eat like we've never seen a meal in our goddamn lives? Am I alone here? Hell no I'm not. You and I both know that when we get drunk, we fucking eat. And who doesn't like to fucking eat? Exactly.

6) Honest Drunk: They say, honesty is the best policy. Well, whoever said being honest while intoxicated goes a long way, needs to be fucking shot in the goddamn head. The Honest Drunk...probably one of the only people you will either love or fucking hate. For the rest of your life. Honest drunks tell it like it is and at the end of the day, they don't care how you feel about it, or what you have to say. They just want to get that shit out of their system. "Hey Brenda, I just want to let you know that you're a fucking cunt and I hate you. Bitch." "John, we've been friends for what, 10 years? Since I know you're a good guy, I just wanted to let you know that it was me that fucked your sister at Jill's party, not Tom. Man, you kicked that dudes ass and he didn't even do anything. Poor guy." "Hey Lisa, you're fucking ugly. Has anybody mentioned getting a face lift? Or maybe, just killing yourself?" You laugh folks, but this is no fucking bullshit. The honest drunk will tell  you shit that will either leave you speechless or have you doing something you wish you never had done. Sometimes honesty...can go fuck itself.

7) Dancing Drunk: What goes good with booze? No people, I'm not talking about food. I'm talking about music. So what happens when you get a ton of booze in your system and a good beat? Simple:  THE DANCING DRUNK. The Dancing drunk pretty much applies to everyone. Even you fools that have two fucking left feet. The next time you're at a club or bar, grab a seat and check out the scene on the dance floor. What you will see will amaze you. Drunk people in general, don't care. Pretty much about anything. Why? Because they're fucking drunk...duh. And because they don't care, they will do almost anything. Especially while dancing (or trying to). These include but are not limited to: "the sex grind", "the sprinkler"...wait, the sprinkler? You know...when someone is trying to dance so fucking crazy that the goddamn drink in their hand is flying all over the place hitting every single person around them in the face, back, neck, etc. Don't act like you don't know. We've all done "the sprinkler" once or twice in our lives. Lets not forget to mention the "fall guy"...when a guy or girl are so fucking drunk that any move they try to incorporate into their side to side movement, they basically eat shit on the dance floor, only to get back up and eat shit again. My favorite though has to be the "frozen in time". Ever seen someone so fucking wasted that when they hit the dance floor, they didn't move? At all. Eyes glazed, motionless...pretty much fucking stuck in one spot. Don't worry, nothing's wrong with them, they are just too fucked up to move. Now, may I have this dance, bitches?

8) Loud Drunk: Why is it, that in every drunk group, there is always ONE LOUD MOTHER FUCKER?! And why is that one loud jackass, typically the quiet one when sober? Funny how that works right? It doesn't matter what the loud drunk drinks, by the 3rd drink in, that person, without a doubt, turns up the fucking decibel level, wherever they are. Not only that, these mother fuckers say some pretty offensive shit too. OUT LOUD. For the whole goddamn world to hear. But to them, they truly believe they are speaking in 6 inch voices. Hey dildo, not sure if you noticed, but the reason why 25 people in this restaurant are staring at us, is because you just called the waitress "a fat fucking cunt" as she walked away. Good job dickhead. Pay for your own shit now. Oh, and if anyone asks, you don't know any of us. Fucking slap dick.

9) Superman Drunk: It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's...it's...Superman Drunk?! Booze + Stupid Fuck + Horrible Idea = Superman Drunk. It's these very people who believe that nothing...I mean nothing can hurt them. Basically, they're invincible. Or so they think. Beer bottle over the head? By all means, start breaking shit off their dome if they ask and lets see how fast they go into a goddamn coma. Kick them in the sack with some Wolverine work boots? Where do I sign up? Who wouldn't love to punt the shit out of someones sack if possible. A punch to the face? You serious? Good thing I brought my brass knuckles to the bar. Nighty night fuck face. See, Superman drunks think of shit that only stupid fucks would ever think of. It's like they've become a dumb ass Evil Knievel waiting to see what happens. Folks, we all know what happens. 9 out of 10 times, Superman drunks will FAIL. Miserably. Any time someone who is shit faced out of their mind, and says the words, "Hey guys, I have a crazy idea..." you need to do either two things: 1) Talk your buddy out of whatever dumb idea he has planned or 2) Be the first to volunteer. The choice is yours so choose wisely. And when I say "wisely", I mean #2.

10) The Blackout Drunk: Sometimes referred to as temporary amnesia, time traveling, or teleportation. These fuckers get so goddamn wasted that they are no longer cognizant or aware of the idiotic shit they are doing. And once it happens for the first time, it doesn’t fucking stop. Next thing you know you’re beer-bonging a fifth of Jack Daniels, banging chicks in a port-o-potty, and waking up with pockets full of cocaine and sequins…. or so your friends say. The greatest thing about being a blackout drunk, when you wake up the next morning and don’t remember a fucking thing… it’s like it never happened. 

Are there more? Of course there is. But for now, you have 10 types to either avoid, become or master. I will almost bet that a majority of you reading this are AT LEAST 3-4 of these types. Don't get mad, because I'm not. It's ok...we knew you were one of those types. That's why we're never drinking with you ever again. 

Curb Violence

How to score free booze

Plan your weekend with this map of the drunkest states in the U.S.

Rough Night

Best of Craigslist: Beer Wanted...

best of craigslist > philadelphia > Beer wanted ...

Originally Posted: Sat, 20 Nov 17:52 EST


Beer wanted ...

Date: 2004-11-20, 5:52PM EST

We'd like some nice beer to keep our fridge well stocked,
no Milwaukee Best, Natural Ice or Pabst Blue Ribbon...
we'd prefer, Yuengling, Becks, Heineken, Bass, Guiness (for Nick), Sam Adams, or anything you deem "quality"

If you'd just like to give us the stuff, we'll take it - I mean, come on -- you were in College once, you know what it is like--

But, you're probably wondering
What can we do for you? Well, we're smart guys...
Here is a list of our skillsets:
Misc. Computer Skills (PC, Mac, Linux, Unix... yeah we're smart like that)
Photography (could require loads of beer depending on assignment),
Digital Photography questions answered,
Writing,
Covering for you while you're with your mistress (eg. "honey, Im with the guys from Temple tonight -- we're going out bowling")
Transporting legal goods up to ten miles via bicycle,
Acting,
Efficiency Consulting (requires loads of Beer)
Ebay Sales
Wingman (also requires loads of Beer)
Spaghetti Eating
Cheese making (Mozzerella- other types of Cheese require loads of Beer)
Personalized AIM buddy icons
Movie recommendations
Driving stickshift
Dancing next to you to make you look good
Pete and Pete questions answered
Fact Checking
25 Shortcuts to Great Sex (ripped from the headlines)

and we're open to negotiations...


this is in or around Temple U
PostingID: 49691789

An Ode to those "Huge Group of Girls"

SHAKING MY FUCKING HEAD...

Why you shouldn't drink and snowboard

Look honey, I made breakfast!

An Honest New Years Eve Invitation

Holidays + The Drunk Uncle = PRICELESS

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch

My Dearest Glen,


The English language, or any language for that matter will never have enough words to show my love and affection for you. When I gently lift you to my slightly parted lips, take you into my mouth, roll you around on my tongue and then slowly, oh, so slowly let you slide down the back of my throat I am reborn in my love for you. You have proven to be a constant and steadfast love these last 10 years. From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I had to have you....


OK, I need to slow the fuck down before I need a change of panties. And yes, I am wearing panties. In case anyone was wondering, my love letter was to the scotch Glenlivet. Or as I fondly call it, "Glen", which I am currently sipping on as my Sinner- not a typo; wait for it Scotch/Dinner. Yeah, I am drinking scotch for dinner. Haters to the left!

My love affair with scotch started about a decade ago when my dad introduced it to me. It was love at first sip. The bold, heady scent along with the warm glow it gave me sealed my fate on that first glass. I was a goner. Neat, on the rocks or in a scotch-cone (that is scotch over shaved ice, like a snow cone, but instead of food coloring I use scotch) I love scotch in all it's permutations.

Over the years my love for scotch has never waned. And most of my friends know; when we go out, if I order a scotch... shit is about to get real. However, scotch to me is something to be savored, adored, caressed and loved. It is not to be tossed back like Jagermeister. Also, I only drinks the finest of scotches, so I am not going to treat it like some shitty well liquor to be used just for intoxication. I love scotch so much I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

For me I love scotch because of its versatility. When I go for drinks after an especially hard week at work? Scotch. Being introduced at my best friend's wedding? That's not me tucking my hand under my jacket, that's me trying to conceal the scotch I have in my hand. Sitting at home, getting ready to enjoy a 4 day holiday weekend? Mother-fucking right! Scotch. H-Bomb + scotch = 4-eva

Yes You Can!

Hit the bottle, not the kids.

Sake Anyone?

Happy 4th of Ju-RUUUUUNK

I love holidays. I love everything about them. But there is no other holiday that I love more than the 4th of July. Yessir! The weather, the bbq's, the friends and family. It's an amazing fucking day. But the two things I love the most about the 4th of July are: 1) Booze. 2) Fireworks. Put those two together...and we have ourselves a really fucking fun party.

Have any of you ever gotten drunk and fucked around with fireworks? Well I have, and let me tell ya, it's the most amazing and scariest fucking thing you'll ever experience. Take last year for example...

I was at the beach. Was there since 6am. Drinking. A lot. Not to look like a complete piece of shit, I started my morning off with some Bloody Mary's. Around 9am, I moved to Mimosa's. 10:30am, beer. By noon I was taking body shots off some old ass cougars who were camped out next to us. I would say it was awkward but those old bitches were fucking hiz-ooooot. I'm only saying this because I'm fucking single and need some pussy...BAD. Anyway, I was drunk. Really, really fucking trashed. Like newborn baby drunk. You know...when you can't open your eyes and feel like you're blind. Yeah, that kinda drunk.

By 8pm, the sun came and left, and as for me...I was ready to blow up some shit. So I pulled out some fireworks. Not your gay ass sparklers or Piccolo Pete's either. I'm talking about some mother fucking bottle rockets and the always amazing, Roman Candles. Imagine me...half fucking naked...drunk...with some illegal shit in my hand...looking to blow up the goddamn sky. One word: Awesome! So awesome that instead of shooting them in the sky like a normal fucking human being, I did something better. I lit those fucking things up and just started shooting them...AT PEOPLE. That's right..I was THAT guy.

To the chick who's number I was trying to get all damn day at the beach...fuck you, hope you like this bottle rocket right between your milky tits - BOOM!

To the douche bag that only got knee high in the water because he was afraid to get his hair wet...hair product + explosives = YOU'RE FUCKED BUDDY - KA-BLIZ-OW!

To the two hot ass cougs that I was taking shots off of, and making out with, pretty much all fucking day...who still gives hickey's to people? This Roman Candle has botoxed vagina written all over it - TA-DOW all up in yo BIZ-NASS!

Guys, I was waaaaaasted. So smashed that I started shooting mother fuckers with fireworks...for like 30 goddamn minutes. Hot chicks, old chicks, douche bags, moms, dads, children, life guards. Anyone that got in my path of destruction...hasta la vista bitches. Then the cops came...

Me: "Ocifer, fuck man...I don't wanna die."

Po-po: "Son, you aren't gonna die, you're going to jail though."

Me: "I swear, I didn't mean to, I'm just sooooo fucking drunk. My whore of a girlfriend fucked some other chick (yes, the bitch fucked another chick...a stripper actually) and I'm taking it out on booze and innocent children."

Po-po: "We need to take you to jail son. I'm sorry."

It was right then and there that I knew, if I didn't do something fast, I was seriously going to be fucked. Both in life and by the big ass dude named Francis in a 8 x 8 cell. So what did I do...

I PISSED MYSELF...In front of every fucking body.

I have never seen a look of disgust from so many people...even the police. But I had to. I had to do something because for starters, I had no clue where any of my clothes were...and second, I forgot what town I was in. That's how fucked up I was. Oh and by the way, thanks to my fuck face friends who stood back and laughed at me the whole damn time. You guys can go fuck a rock. Dicks.

Me: "I'm sorry ocifer, I can't control myself. I'm scared. Please let me go."

Po-po: "Son, we'll let you go, but we have to site you for public intoxication and urination."

Me: "God bless you men in blue." 

That's all I got guys. A slap on the hand and a fucking ticket. That my friends...is a goddamn mother fucking win!

So what's the moral of my story?

The 4th of July is awesome. Get drunk, make out with whoever you fucking want, and blow up shit. But if and when you get caught by the police and are about to go to jail...piss yourself...just don't shit yourself. That's just fucking gross. Yessir!

Happy 4th, you fuck faces!