Advice Column: Wonder Why They Call You Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

Well in addition to the Facebook friend drama, I have a co-worker who is a bitch to me and was a FB friend when I first met her but I deleted her and all my other co-workers and other people I know that know her. This girl is a damn bully at work I couldn't even compare her to anyone that was a bully at school. So I deleted her because I'm tired of her shit!

I got a promotion at work about 8 months ago which bumped me up 4 step higher than her and I was at the same level well ever since I've gotten only racial slurs and comments about her hurting me like "I will cut you, I will knock you down, I will push you down, I will hurt you etc and she just says these comments randomly so this whole time I've let her talk shit to me I stayed quit and I really wish I could fuck her up but I'm not going to lose my job over her

My friends can't believe I stay quite since I am quite a loud mouth and I never know how to comment back in a professional way. I just wonder why the bitch didn't get the point that when I deleted her I didn't appreciate her fN comments at work. She still kept telling me shit and threw candy at me every now and then and while she was throwing it at me she says "you only get one because your a Mexican". WTF is that supposed to mean!? Anyway still at work with anger over that bitch and I can't get shit done because it's constant shit talking to me. Fucken fatter ugly hairy face bitch!

Well Dear Abby what do you think?

Sincerely,
4 Steps Higher




Dear 4 Steps Higher,

Before I begin my sermon..."Dear Abby," really? Bitch, I will cut you. Not cool. But seriously, calm the fuck down woman. When you are all amped up like you are now, please don't write shit down. If you do, please do me a huge fucking favor and use spell check next time. I couldn't understand half the shit you were saying since you were using run-on sentences like a mother fucker. It was like your enemy was in the room as your were typing this out, and not giving two shits how it read. Luckily, I have some people that know how to translate angry, so you're good. Now take a deep breath girl because J-Wunder has the answers you're looking for.

The problem with Facebook nowadays is that it can cause a lot of unwanted and unneeded tension between people. A good example of this is when couples or friends decide to air out their dirty laundry and choose not to talk about it like adults, rather, have Facebook status wars like little fucking bitches.  If I only had a chiseled toothbrush to shank those people with.

The other example is like your situation. The feud with that overweight, bearded fucking lady. The Facebook unfriend. Is it common? Of course. Is there usually tension afterwards? No doubt. I call that anger or tension when someone loses a Facebook friend, one word - BITCHASSNESS! What is Bitchassness you say?

Urban Dictionary defines it as: "Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade."

In other words, the Lochness monster you work with has been diagnosed with a severe case of BitchAssNess! In any event, don't fret. It's hard to walk away when people with this complex keeping jabbing at you, but it's ignorant peeps like this that do what they do, to try to get under your skin.

Now as for the comments of her wanting to "cut you, kill you, and knock you down" as well as the candy throwing and racial slurs? Well, that just calls for a bitch to get beat the fuck up or chopped with two hands in the goddamn throat. Let her talk all the shit she wants at work because she knows she can.  After business hours, you need to beat that ass. Seriously. I'm not endorsing an ass whooping, I'm just recommending it. You ever hear that quote, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"? Live by those words. Kindness is King...until  a mother fucker gets caught slippin'.

Now that I think of it, what you could do is pretty simple. Start becoming all chum-chum with her.  She'll trip out and wonder what the fuck is going on with your Zen attitude. When she thinks everything is cool, invite her out for drinks.  If she accepts, here's what you do:

- Buy her drinks, all night.  If this means you drop $100, do it.
- Buy some Colonetix and put that shit in her drink when she's not looking. I'm actually serious.
- Get her fucking wasted. I'm talking blacked out, falling over, about to puke and piss herself, wasted.

You probably noticed that second line item with something called Colonetix. Don't worry, the shit ain't roofies. It's better. Imagine having really bad diarrhea and trying to undo your pants while trying to open a slippery ass door handle to the shitter. No bueno. Bowel movements can be uncontrollable at times. So much, that, well, you could shit yourself. Bingo. That brings us to the point of Colonetix.

Someone "passed-out wasted" that has consumed their fair share of this stuff will probably do one thing. Shit and shit a ton (like 20 pounds of waste - true story). So much, that they have a 98% chance of shitting themselves before ever making it to the toilet. In their bed or on their way to the pooper.  Imagine giving yourself an enema and trying to hold it in your poop shoot for 2 minutes. You can't (trust me, I've tried...don't judge. it was a bet I took.). It would hurt so bad that your ass cheeks would start to shake uncontrollably and would force themselves to open, creating Mud Fuji for days. You want to talk about cleaning your system out, this will do it. 

Is this justified? Fuck yes it is. Could it work? Absolutely. Are you a bad person for doing it? Last I checked, you aren't killing any one. Is this payback? No. It's a lesson that needs to be taught without teaching it to Big Foot directly.

Nothing will be more rewarding if you do this and you notice that your Circus Sideshow of a co-worker has come into work 20 pounds lighter, days later because she thought she got the flu. Trust me.

Now, some people may think this advice is straight up stupid and just off the wall random. Although that may be true, try it sometime to someone you want to give payback to. I did exactly this, and you know what? Not only did it work like a charm, put a big ass smile on my face but it showed them that no matter how bad ass they think they are...trying to control something that is out of their control can sometimes ruin you. And your pants. BA-LEED DAT!!!!!

You're welcome.

Make sure she wears white pants or a skirt...it makes it that more rewarding,

J-Wunderful

Idiot Is An Understatement

He's Smearious

Detroit Jacuzzi

One Night In Outer Space

It was another Saturday night. Myself and J-Wun at the bar, doing what we do best - getting faded and X fucking rated. Our fearless leader gets the good 'ol midnight booty-call (he really got this shit around 9:15pm, so let's not get it twisted)  and leaves to ride the Pound Town Express. The only words he leaves me with before he bones out is, "Bro, for the love of all things holy, stay out of trouble and avoid the crazy bitches, tonight. I don't want some goddamn text saying you're in jail, naked in an alley or on my doorstep covered in puke holding your kidneys."

I don't know what it is about this guy, but every single time he gives me final words, something ALWAYS HAPPENS. 

ALWAYS.

Thanks, asshole. 

She was sitting two seats away from me. A hot blonde with a nice ass and petite enough to look like a goddamn action figure. 

Knowing my wingman left for the night and this chick was hanging with 5 of her fattest and probably ugliest friends, my game had to be on point. Not because my game is awful, but the 5 friends she was with were all gate keepers and more importantly, HATERS. And for some of you fellas that don't know...if you want to know what it feels like to look like scum of the earth, hit on a chick who hangs out with ugly people. Those hating ass broads will call you every awful thing in the book AND give 100 reasons why their hot friend shouldn't talk, look or go home with you. Cock blocking at its very best! But I digress...

I use the oldest trick in the book and buy Tits Magee a drink and her 5 chubby friends a drink and some appetizers. If there is one way to a chubby broads heart, let alone 5 of these mammoths, it's fucking food. LOTS OF IT!!!

We begin conversation and things begin to go right where I want them. And just so I don't bore you guys with the bullshit, I feed the herd another round of apps and drinks and me and this gal cruise back to her pad.

From the car ride all the way to her apartment, we end up groping one another and making out like nobody's business. By the time we get out of her car, I am probably sporting a wood so damn big and hard that if you were to take a piece of wood and swing that shit at my junk, it would break that fucker in half. It was like the ultimate Voltron of boners.

She opens the door and shit is about to get R-E-A-L.

Clothes scattered all over the place, we finally get naked and without even cueing her, there's this broad sucking my schlong like that shit is the last popsicle left on the planet. Atta girl!

About 5 minutes in, I can't take it anymore, tell her to hop her little ass on the bed, with her booty near the edge so I can stand up while I'm pounding her like I'm tenderizing meat. She puts her legs on my shoulders, I take my Megatron battle axe of a cock and slowly insert it in...you know, because for a petite broad like this, that shit might be a little overwhelming. Then it happened...

People, what I'm about to tell you not only made me feel like a 12 year old boy with a very small penis, but confused, lost, and more mother fucking confused. Side note: I do not have a small penis. My shit is at least 6 inches in length and a 12 ounce Bud Light bottle in girth. Wait, is that a small penis?

As I inserted my penis inside of her very wet vagina, I began to do the normal fucking motion but the thing was, I couldn't really feel anything. It was almost as if I was standing in a hallway, naked, fucking the air while people were spraying me with a fucking garden hose...laughing hysterically.

Can a bitch be this loose? For a woman of her stature, how was this scientifically possible? Has she heard of fucking kegels for fuck sake? Wait...did she have a baby? Like a big ass mother fucking baby?! That said, this happened while I was fucking her:

Me: *pretending to breathe all heavy* "You have any kids? Like big ones that were born as big as your adult self?"

Chick: "Are you serious right now? Uh, noooooo. O-EM-GEEEEE. I really like, can't like, believe like, you're like, asking me that while we're like, having sex. O-EM-GEEEE."

Yeah, this was the kind of broad I was banging. One who talked like this and had a goddamn brain of a rock. Don't judge. I've been on a little dry streak as of late. Need a little physical therapy of the cock to get back into the big leagues again. Anyway, like I was saying, this was the conversation that went down and continued...

Me: *still pumping away at the black hole* "I know it's weird but seriously, you have no kids?"

Chick: "Why are you like, seriously like, asking me this? And no, I don't have, like, any kids. Just nieces and nephews."

Me: "Well, did you give birth to any of them?"

Chick: "O-EM-GEEE. Are you gonna fuck me or what?"

Me: "Ok, ok. Sorry. Close your eyes and get ready to feel my shit pound you good."

This shit was possibly the worst feeling that I couldn't even feel. Talk about throwing a hot dog in a hallway. It was like throwing a hot dog into outer fucking space during hurricane season. She wasn't moaning or anything. It was like her pussy was saying, "Yo dawg, you either need to throw some dick growth on your cock or fuck me with a bat. The choice is yours little big dong." Talk about a total goddamn mind fuck. The harder I was fucking her, still nothing. No emotion or signs of life. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

So I did what any other man would do in this situation - I changed up positions and guess what? Still felt like I was fucking the air with a chick as a stand-in. WTF is going on and will my boner last another minute longer? Knowing what my cock was going through emotionally, I went for the desperation move and did what any man would also do while a girl was in the doggy style position - I went for her cinnamon ring, and put that shit right in there. BULLSEYE!!!!

Waiting for a surprised reaction followed by a right hook to the face, all I got was, "If you're gonna put it in my butt, go slow. I'm tight and it's been awhile. God, your cock is HUGE."

Really, bitch?

Moral of the story: In life, you will always be met with two options. Sometimes option B is the way to go, even if option A is supposed to be 100% foolproof. Oh, and if you need to distract the ugly and big boned friends of the hot girl you're trying to get at, feed them...you will win them over in seconds.

Facebook Is Filled With Idiots

Advice Column: "Accept" or "Ignore"

Dear J-Wunder,

Lately I've been getting friend requests from people I don't know.  I literally have 20 requests, and I literally have NO IDEA who they are.  The worst part, all of these requests tend to be from the same type of person... some fucking dude taking an iPhone self shot without his shirt on, or staring so deeply into the camera, I swear to god they can see me.  If I ignore, they seem to keep sending me new ones or messages asking me why I don't want to be friends.  I appreciate you telling me I'm pretty (the first 10 times) and when you say that you "want to get to know me," it makes me shiver. All I know is it's starting to FREAK ME OUT.

Help please J.

Sincerely,
Possible Stalker Magnet



Dear Possible Stalker Magnet,

I don't know what it is with dudes that take self pics with their shirts off and use it as their profile pics for FB. And the staring with those stalker eyes...what the fuck is that all about, right?

You know, if Facebook didn't censor pics, those slap dick douchebags would be flashing dick pics all day everyday. Imagine that for a second. You decide to accept this guy's friend request and one day, you browse through his photo albums. In one album alone, 50 pics...all cock. 110% of pure unadulterated cock images.

With captions that read shit like:
"6 inches of fun (as he holds his dick from the side with a stealth ninja grip)."

"Prince Albert wants to crown you Princess (your typical vertical dick shot showing his piercing)."

"Chicks dig girth (pic with his dick next to a Coke can)."

"Hungry?  How bout some cock (pic with a sock puppet with its sock puppet mouth wide open)?"

Laugh it up peeps, but some dudes would jump on that shit in a split fucking second.

But that doesn't happen on Facebook. It happens on MySpace. Almost positive. Don't believe me, go on MySpace and search for a name like "Guido Spice." I guaran-fucking-tee you that his profile will have a picture of him with no shirt, orange ass skin from a tanning overdose, buff as fuck, with a dick so veiny, you would think it's in a Mr. Universe competition. Dude would be smiling but with serious intentions of wanting to rape the first girl that accepts his friend request. MySpace is a fucking trip and scary as hell sometimes, ain't it.  

Any time you receive a request from a random, it usually raises questions. How do I know that person?  Did I go to school with them? Are they one of my friends friends? Were they a one night stand? Was this the guy that gave me herpes at Mardi Gras? Did I bang their cousin, brother, step-dad or dad? Maybe I possibly scissor locked their girlfriend, sister or mom? You get the picture. And 5 out of 10 times, people will or will not accept them.

Now any time you receive a request from a random that looks like they took an iPhone self shot without their shirt on, or staring so deeply into the camera, your ass better hit IGNORE. Especially if they keep resending you requests after you've denied them access 10 times already.

RULE #15 OF A FUTURE SERIAL KILLER: THEY WILL NEVER TAKE "NO" FOR AN ANSWER.

Realize that these guys probably still share a bed with their little sister, masturbate religiously while smelling their mom's granny panties, nickname themselves starting with the word "THE", have little cocks, drink Boon's, Smirnoff Ice and Zima, have one ear pierced, dye the tips of their hair, own every piece of Affliction clothing, have a 10 year membership to Tan-Terrific and Crunch Fitness, wear those chain wallets, and drive a Ford Tauras with 24's on them. That's these mother fuckers that send those request.

But let's not forget that a portion of these folks put on this front of "I'm hot, I'm sexy and bang chicks" attitude.  While the latter put on this "I'm hot, I'm sexy, I bang chicks and I'll fucking kill you if you deny me" attitude.  You should be able to point these clowns out with a fucking blind man's stick.  I watch Dateline on NBC, so I know what the fuck goes on in the Social Networking world.

Ignore, ignore, ignore!!!!  But if you choose to accept, be prepared to possibly receive thousands of dick pics, hear countless stories how "I got fucked up off 12 bottles of Bartles & Jaymes last night," or get murdered because you chose to meet douche lord in a corn field in Bakersfield. The choice is yours.  Just make sure, that if you're face to face with those buttons "Accept" or "Ignore", don't be wasted when you decide. You're Welcome.

Sincerely,

J-Wunder

So You Wanna Make A Booty-Call?

Everyone has made a booty-call before. Don't even lie like you haven't... unless you are a nun, a eunuch or one of those weirdos that doesn't like sex (are you fucking kidding me with that shit), you know you have made that call, sent that text, paged that mother fucker, or whatever you do to get some ass. Some people bring their "A" game when trying to tap that ass. Other mother fuckers don't give a shit and say whatever, without considering the repercussions of their actions. Below is a booty- call of the latter. This dudes give-a-fuck meter is not just broken, but basically non-existent. Just like the booty-call he was trying to make. I have broken down all the problems with this attempted booty call as a learning exercise so that no person makes this mistake again. You are welcome.

In trying get at that ass, the first thing you should NOT do is send the recipient of said booty-call a FACEBOOK message, and ask them to send you their number, because their girlfriend erased it. For fucks sake, that will make her close her coochie up faster than actually getting sand in her trap. 

When approaching a lady, and trying to sell her a ticket to ride the Pound Town Express, you should not inform her that your girlfriend, who erased her number, does not like her. Strike two, fucker.

Lastly, when propositioning said girl you should never do the following: 1) admit you need a pill to get and keep your dick hard, especially in a medium that can be posted on the internets. 2) Try to get her into a threesome, when you have already admitted that you are trying to get her to help you cheat on your girlfriend, who doesn't like the girl being messaged. 3) Call anything a filthy, sex-cave. Nothing about that sounds like a place where most women want to go to make sexy time. Maybe somewhere where you get murdered after getting ass-raped, but not a place to make sweet, sweet, lovin'.

Now that I have shared my shame, let no person fuck a booty-call up to this level ever again. I will personally come and scissor kick someone if they ever send some bullshit like this. This is like the Special Olympics of booty-calls. Wait, scratch that. People win medals and are winners at the Special Olympics. Clearly there are no winners here. Only sad fucking losers.

I got nothing after this mess. Thanks, Champagne!

H-Bomb







Advice Column: One Bikini Pic Isn't Enough

Dear JW,

I deleted a FB friend cuz I was sick of seeing the non-stop photos of her in a bikini. I wouldn't go to her page to avoid seeing them. But she posted them all the time so they were always on my page. So I deleted her, and w/summer approaching, she has doubled up on the photos. Am I a hater or does it seem rational that since I'm not a lesbian, I wouldn't want to see hundreds of photos of another girl in a bikini?

Sincerely,
Judging a book by its cover




Dear Judging a book by its cover,

NEWS FLASH: Any time someone has to advertise their goods, there's nothing good about them. Like your friend for example...1,457 pictures of her in a bikini posted on Facebook. Body of a 15 year old boy from Thailand, with tits like Pamela Anderson. I bet the house that any pic with her and other chicks, there's a 100% chance those other chicks are fat as fuck or look like a cross between a goddamn turkey and fucking big foot. How could this bitch not look hot, right? Pretty accurate assessment? You're fucking welcome.

See, I know this type all too well. Not because I've dated these horrible fucking twats, but because they are way too easy to read. And just by your question alone, I can tell you five things about this chick that I know are 100% true:

1) She's awful in bed
2) Conceited as shit
3) Has record low, self-esteem
4) She's a goddamn fucking bitch and is as fake as her titties
5) Is a tease like a stripper on a busy Friday night at the Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas

Harsh? No shot in fucking hell. That's the truth any way you want to slice it. Now, was deleting her on Facebook a rational decision since you aren't a lesbian that probably wouldn't mind it? First off, any normal fucking lesbo would get just as annoyed as you would, if I can be real with you (ok, maybe not). Once you get past a certain point of photos, shit just gets fucking ridiculous and out of control...AND OLD. The only people looking at those pics on a daily basis are: 1) Mother fuckers that can't get laid, 2) Serial killers and 3) Future stalkers. It's obvious she's no swimsuit model...hell, this broad couldn't even be a model for a goddamn cookbook if she wanted to. But you wanna know why she does what she does? ATTENTION. You know it, I know, the mother fuckers reading this, know it.

Her posting all those pics tells me this: "Hey everyone, look at me, look at me. My body is soooo hot. My tits are even hotter. And my face...my face is to fucking die for!!!!" Bitch, please. I see that, first thing I think of..."Where do I find this broad so I can give her the "candy cane" (look that up on Urban Dictionary if you have no clue what I'm talking about)? It's these types of women that would have a webcam follow them every fucking minute of the day if they could. Reality check sweetie pie: your shit ain't that tight. I would rather look at a chick with a fucking 8 inch cock in a jock-strap than deal with your goddamn antics. Was there a fucking beauty pageant on Facebook that I missed out on or something? For fuck's sake woman, stop the posting of the bikini pics already. All your friends know what you look like in one, why show us 1,290 versions?! I bet if we zoomed in on your downward dog pose, we could see zits on your ass. That probably wouldn't bug her...cause she's all YOLO and shit.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

You might as well put this chick in the category of people that write cryptic fucking messages every fucking day on their FB status as well as the people that air their dirty laundry out there in the Social Networking world. The only difference is that she's showing everyone, west of the Mississippi, her issues by posting pics. Now a lot of you are saying, "How does it make any sense that a girl posting pics of herself in a bikini has issues?" Why do people post pics of the new car they just bought? The VIP section of the club they just scored free bottle service to? WHY? Because they want to grab peoples attention. I do it, you do it...WE ALL DO IT. However, some of us just do it way more than others. And it's fucking annoying. I mean really, I appreciate the 24 pics you posted of yourself showing every angle of you in a two-piece bathing suit, but for fuck's sake, do I really need to see 100 more with you in a different color bikini too? Where am I...in a fucking photo booth strip club for the goddamn retarded? Bitch, what are you...a goddamn swimsuit catalog? You ain't selling shit, so why are you promoting it? ATTENTION people....ATTENTION.

I could have suggested you hide her News Feed like some people do, but like a bad car accident, you wouldn't be able to resist at not looking if you knew it was still there. So deleting her was probably the best thing. Now, if you want to know if you're a hater...you tell me? The reality is, chicks hate chicks...for all kinds of fucked up reasons. But from the sounds of it, you ain't buying what this bitch is selling...so good for you. In all honesty though...you're a hater. Just like every other woman who hates other women. That's fucking life.

And as for Ms. Bikini 2013, how does it feel to be so bad in bed with a personality of a rock, that all you have is pictures to try to make up for it? I have no clue who the fuck you are or what you look like, but I'm guessing your vagina smells like that of blue cheese, pot stickers and a hint of cinnamon. That's fucking disgusting. I need to see a therapist...Jesus fucking Christ. What is wrong with me?!

One less friend isn't the end of the world,

J-Wunder

World Of Warcraftiness???

Girl seeking WoW player - w4m

Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? Continue reading..


I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.

You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.

But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.

What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:

- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.

About me:

- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.

• it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Posting ID: 878989144

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