Friday, October 30, 2020

50 Things That Happened or You're Guilty of Doing During COVID-19


 


1) Got laid off and started an Only Fans Page. 


2) While working from home, you left to go to the store (Target, WalMart, Sex Toy shop) and got a message from your boss that something was needed right away. 


3) Got pregnant or got someone pregnant.


4) Divorced/separated. 


5) Found QAnon and believed that Wayfair shit was real.


6) Took advantage of PornHub's free Premium service; subsequently found the end of PornHub.


7) Went on a Zoom Date; Realized Zoom dating is wack, went back to PornHub.


8) Was worried that your COVID-19 swab test would show massive trace amounts of cocaine. Which it did. 


9) Believed back in March that this would be over in 6 weeks and was thankful to Tiger King for the distraction.


10) Realized it is almost November and lamented again that this is both the longest and fastest moving year and curse every time you see a news article about someone opening a sarcophagus or digging up some sacred archeological relic, like WHY?? Stop fucking with shit so we can get over this. 


11) Drank WAY too much.


12) Ate WAY too much.


13) Went on a diet.


14) Fell off your diet.


15) Repeated #11 and #12 again.


16) Cried in the corner of the shower almost every day.


17) Realized you aren't cut out to die alone.


18) Realized you miss people so much that if you got invited to see them and all your friends, you wouldn't show up. 


19) Became a banana bread and sourdough making MOTHERFUCKER.


20) Females cut or dyed their hair only to fuck it up...badly.


21) Guys discovering the shape of their head is actually really fucked up after cutting their own hair.


22) Cry before ANOTHER Zoom meeting.


23) Wish a motherfucker would.


24) Found a new hobby.


25) Quit the new hobby 2 minutes into it.


26) Amazon Primed like a motherfucker.


27 Dogs adopted EVERYWHERE (thank you, Jesus!).


28) Screamed at the top of your lungs, "When the fuck is this year gonna be over?!"


29) Realized your kids teacher was right all this time that they are, in fact, a little fucking asshole.


30) You never thought you’d spend so much money on “snacks”.


31) Played games of chance while looking at the scale and crossing your fingers you didn’t gain any weight while holding the pants you haven’t put on in 8 months.


32) Not put actual pants on in 8 months.


33) Rotate the same 3 outfits during the week and not give any fucks.


34) Spoke under your breathe multiple times a day, “Please God, don't make me let them see these hands..." 


35) Spoke to the Manager. 


36) Motherfucker'd like a motherfucker.


37) Asked yourself, "What the fuck am I going to do with all this goddamn toilet paper?!"


38) Shook your head in shame after wasting all your hard earned money on canned goods back in March...bc the "world was going to end" apparently.  


39) Masturbated...A LOT.


40) Made new friends via online gaming. COD anyone?


41) Sent a dick pic.


42) Received a dick pic. 


43) Cried while you ate.


44) Smiled while you ate. 


45) Re-evaluated your life situation while you ate...FAT ASS. 


46) Finished Netflix, HULU and Prime Video. 


47) Social distanced from life bc let's be honest...2020 IS FUUUUUUUCKED UP!


48) Tik Tok'd.


49) Got so overly excited that you were finally going to do some DIY projects at your house only to realize that your house now looks like a fucking bomb went off and there's nowhere to eat, sleep, shit or hide. 


50) Waiting patiently for 2021 to not fuck us over.