Thursday, January 7, 2016

Advice Column: The Art of Oral



Dear J, 

Happy New Year!

So great you're back because my days get better with the shit you put out in the world. Absolutely love all your stuff!

Ok, so my question or advice to you is - what is your advice on oral sex? I don't mind giving blowjobs so I want to make sure if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right and who better to ask then the man who probably gets his dick sucked a lot! LOL.

Also, I like when guys go down on me so for them, how can they be better or add to their technique.

Look forward to your answer.

Cheers,
Oral Assassin


Dear Oral Assassin,

With a name like that, I don't know if I should give you advice or just hop on a plane and let you suck my dick. Jesus woman! I love you already.

Let's get down to business because motherfuckers need lessons to start practicing. Grab some paper, a pen and let's do this bitch!!!!!!

First up, when girls are trying to suck a guy off, there are do's and don't's that one must ALWAYS follow. Technique is everything and timing is key. The following is what you should and shouldn't do in order to be a successful dick sucker and want your man coming back for more!

DO
The Astro Pop:
If you don't know what an Astro Pop is, Google that shit immediately. If there is one thing guys love, it's when a broad takes her mouth and tries to jam that shit down the back of her throat. Hence, the Astro Pop technique. Never in my life of eating a motherfucking popsicle have I NOT seen a woman who eats that shit like she's sucking dick. For chicks, that's the only way to eat it so remember when it comes to sucking cock, the Astro Pop technique is 100% YES! Please note: If you EVER use your teeth while doing this, you will more than likely get knocked the fuck out.

DON'T
The Stamp Lick:
It's pretty self explanatory. Everyone who is anyone has licked a stamp and put that shit on an envelope. And believe it or fucking not, there are actually women out there who think sucking dick is licking the fucking tip of a man's penis. How do I know? Because I hooked up with a bitch who did that and because it was so awful, not only did I almost pee on her face BUT I told her until she learns how to suck weiner like a real woman, then she better not call me. People, the Stamp Lick is by far the worst shit you could ever do to a man. He's dick isn't 100 degrees so stop thinking it's gonna burn your tongue. Unless his dick is a spoon, stop trying to lick that shit like your tasting sauce to see if it has enough fucking salt.

DO
The Corn on the Cobb:
The whole motherfucking universe has sometime in their life eaten corn on the cobb. I love me some fucking corn on the cobb, especially when a chick sucks my wang like she's eating one. Again, self explanatory...minus the teeth. Another note: IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, EVER USE YOUR TEETH. But I digress...

When you're blowing a dude, it's nice to lick and suck his shaft from the side. Not sure why, but it feels good when you can treat a dudes penis like a piece of corn that just got buttered and go to town on it like you grew it yourself.

The Corn on the Cobb technique is more of a licking, kissing style that tells your man, "Hey bro, I'm gonna suck your dick really good, but let me get that cock warmed up first."

DON'T
The Cup of Ice:
You know how when you're drinking something and you're done but you decide to suck on the ice then eat it? Yeah, this is what you don't fucking do when your giving a dude a hummer. Sucking - YES. Biting/Chewing - FUCK NO, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I don't know what it is but women tend to use teeth and thing doing a little bite down is a cool thing to do. Let me tell you ladies something, it's not cool nor does it do anything for a guy other than make us want to punch you in back of the head then bite off your nipples.

If you want something to chew on, chew gum, motherfucker. Penises have feelings too.

DO
The Head Banger with a side of Rub and Tug:
You've seen head bangers so it shouldn't be a surprise that this technique works like a charm for you ladies who love sucking dick like it's a gang bang gone wrong. When you can suck a dude off by doing the up and down motion at a steady pace with a few cock rubs and gentle tugs, you are on your way to making a man serve up some baby gravy like it was Thanksgiving dinner. Remember when I said technique and timing is everything? Well for the Head Banger with a side of Rub and Tug, this is super crucial because you don't want to start off fast then fuck it up by slowing down. Reverse that shit and go slow and then ramp it up. Think of it as the slow clap. Get that shit going and once you're feeling that rhythm, mix it up with the rub and tug and dude will be jizzing in the back of your throat like someone hit you with a shotgun.

DON'T
The Shake Weight:
Ladies, dudes don't like getting jacked off. Hence, the Shake Weight. I'll be honest, in my life, there has only been one woman he has jerked me off better than me and til this day, I don't know how the fuck she did it. Watch all the porn you want. Practice on all the cucumbers you have. Bottom line, if you plan to jack a dude off, do it with your fucking mouth.

Now that you have the do's and don't's for the ladies, let's talk about the fellas and what they need to do when munching a woman's box.


DO
The Crazy 8:
You all know what an 8 looks like, right? So for you fellas, when you are down there between your gal's thighs make sure your mouth is putting in the work. One of the best and full-proof techniques is when you spot the clit and make an 8 with your tongue over and over and over again. However, keep in mind your tongue needs to soft and not so tense. If your tongue is tense, you might as well do that shit with a tree branch, fuck face. Tense tongues don't do anything but have the girl resent the fuck out of you.

DON'T
The Tasmanian Devil:
If you've ever watched cartoons then you know who the fuck I'm talking about. The Tasmanian Devil is fucking crazy. He runs fast, talks like a fucking dude who is really tripping balls on acid and peyote and acts like a fool. If you're eating a bitch out,  DO NOT DO THIS. What I mean by "this" is getting all fucking crazy with your tongue like it's having a fucking seizure because if you do, that bitch is gonna think you're either dying, she's about to die or you snuck in a bowl of ice cream and decided not to tell her. Women like a little craziness but CONTROLLED CRAZINESS.

DO
The Ferris Wheel:
Ferris Wheels go in one big ass circle, right? Then that's what you need to do with your goddamn tongue. From the top to the bottom, gently and tactfully make that motion as many times as you can because doing so teasing their little bead (that's clit for you dumb fucks out there) since you're making contact with it, then pulling away, then coming back, then pulling away, etc. Do this mixed in with the Crazy 8, bitches will be asking you to meet their parents.

DON'T
The Looking for Change:
Girls like being fingered when being eaten out. But what they don't like is being fingered like you're looking for some fucking change between your couch cushions. Fellas, if you're eating a bitch out and decide to finger her as well, don't do that shit so hard that she thinks you're giving her a fucking pap smear. You do that, she'll rip your dick off. Doing the Looking for Change is in no way, right and pretty close to domestic violence. Don't be that fucking guy.

DO
The All-In-One:
Mix in the Crazy 8 with the Ferris Wheel and for good measure, add-in the Come Hither (that's a nice way of saying, "fingering a chick") and you have yourself the All-In-One. Women dig it when your tongue can work in ways the dick can't. Doing this not only gets a girl going but by the time you start fucking, the sex will be THAT MUCH BETTER.

The All-In-One isn't for everyone, but if you have it mastered, it could be your key to a broad wanting more. Hell, once you've mastered this technique, when you're all up in her shit, tongue punch her fart box and watch her wiggle into ecstasy my friend!

DON'T
The Hot Wings:
FACT: Men love hot wings. Why? Because they taste fucking delicious and it's just man shit. However, what's not man shit is when you think a vagina is a hot wing and you eat a bitch out like it is one. Biting, spreading her lips apart like you're looking for some lost keys, fellas, I know a majority of vaginas are not fucking pretty but come on, man...have the decency to eat a bitch out like a civilized human being. Pulling the Hot Wing technique is not only bad but it makes a chick think you might be a serial killer.

STOP THAT SHIT AND NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER DO THIS.

My name is J-Wunder and I approve this column,

GG


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Dear Dog Lover...



Dear Dog Lover,

I thought I was done with chicks and their pets. First Cat Woman, then a tranny then back to Cat Woman. What the hell is my problem?!

I met you at a bar, back in November, right before Thanksgiving. You sat there with your friends and I noticed you staring at me. You took my breath away. Tall, brunette, sexy. I thought this was a bad dream because how could someone as beautiful as you be checking out a guy like me? I ordered an Apple Martini for you and we started conversation.

We laughed and laughed for hours on end. It was a start to an amazing night, until we got back to your place...

Hoping I would score, I was gentleman enough to not make the first move once your door opened. Guess what? You made that move and more. By the time we were both naked, we were inches from your bedroom door when I heard something.

It was barks coming from what seemed like a pack of hungry wild dogs. You opened the door and there they stood...4 big fucking dogs staring at you then glaring over a second later to show their teeth at me. You were able to calm them down and let me know I had nothing to worry about. It was obvious you were an animal lover, specifically the canine family. I love dogs too but not in such a way that it made for a memorable yet mind blowing night of "WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

You didn't want to put your dogs in another room as you made them sit there to watch us get it on. Drunk, I didn't really care, however, the moaning from your dog, Astro, had me worried...for good reason.

The moment was intense. It was hot. It was really wet. I stuck my penis in you without any hesitation as I railed you like the little dog lover you are. You were moaning with such excitement that at times, I had to contain myself from blowing my load too early. That's one thing I had to concentrate on throughout our sexcapade. NOT BLOWING MY LOAD. But then within minutes of getting back on track, something suddenly happened...

As I was pounding you like one of those big-dick black guys punishing a poor Asian schoolgirl in a porno, I felt something come from behind me. To my dismay, it was your dog, Astro, mounted on top of me, with his red rocket at the tip of my butthole about to go H.A.A.M.. Startled, violated and somewhat scared, I jumped off you and threw your dog off me since it felt like he was 4 dick pumps away from blowing his baby gravy on me like I was some sort of black poodle.

At this point, you were not amused. AT ME. I mean, are you fucking serious right now, bitch?! I'm fucking you and your dog comes up on the bed to start fucking me...I throw him off me and you're mad at ME?! Bitch please. But then you apologized, told Astro to go back to his bed, so we can go back to where we left off. The only problem was that my cock was like an elephant's trunk. Solution? You decided to makeout with me again since you knew when I kissed you, I got back to hard-on status. We kissed and things were starting to go back to where we left off. Then shit got super weird and this is where I didn't know whether to stay or go...

In a transe as I was kissing you and feeling on your big ass titties, you began to moan. For minutes I felt in my heart of hearts that I was the fucking man. Then to my surprise you yell, "OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDD! I'M FUCKING CUMMING!!!" Wait, what?!

Am I that good of a kisser and titty handler that I made you cum? Then I looked down and what the fuck do I see? But your motherfucking dog, Astro, licking your pussy. Two things: 1) How in the actual fuck do you not know a dog's down there licking your cooter and 2) How the fuck did this happen?

I threw you off with the quickness and the only thing you said was, "WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

I reply with, "Me? What's wrong with me?! Bitch, you just let your dog eat you out and you came while I was kissing you and playing with your tits! Did I just double team you with your dog, Astro?! WHYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOD! WHYYYYYY FUCKING ME?!"

You: "Why you what?"

Me: "You don't get it. First Cat Woman, now you?"

You: "Cat who?"

Me: "The fat bitch whose mouth was more special than the Pope."

You: "Are you embarrassed of me?"

Me: "Are you fucking serious right now? Your fuck.ing.dog.just.ate.you.out.and.you.came."

You: "Yeah, so?"

Me: "Can I ask you something?"

You: "Of course."

Me: "This isn't the first time it's happened has it?"

You: "First time what?"

Me: "Your dog licking your snatch?"

You: "You make it look like it's bad or something. As if I'm dirty. or gross. Get over it."

Me: "FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK.MY.MOTHERFUCKING.LIFE."

You: "Did you want me to lie?"

Me: "Yeah, bitch. That would have been great."

You: "So what now?"

Me: "Well, I'm leaving and you can stay here and continue your gang bang with the dog pound."

And that was that. The moment was so awkward that I didn't even put my clothes back on in the room. I just left and changed outside without any fucks to give. Butt ass naked. Changing like I was hypnotized. Did your dog just put his dick in my butt then eat you out?

Yes. Yes he fucking did.

You know life is bad when the girl you're banging has her dog cock block you and makes her cum first.

I don't know who has more issues, Dog Lover...you or me?

Anonymous

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Advice Column: "Paging Doctor Ghetto Genius..."




So I'm going to get straight to the point. I have relationship and body issues. I'm convinced that I have horrible B.O. (body odor); and although my family, which is mostly women, claim they can't smell it I believe that men can.

1. I've had reoccurring BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) for years now and I'm afraid that I've become so accustom to the odor that I can no longer detect it.

2. Do you think my family members are lying to me and telling me that I don't smell b/c they think it's my natural B.O. considering I've had it off and on for years?

3. I think men can smell it more b/c their senses are more sensitive to vaginal odor.

4. I'm not sure if people think I smell or my behavior b/c I think I smell is causing people to behave oddly around me.

4.5 People keep saying a man wouldn't touch me if I smelled. Would a man have sex (oral/intercourse) with a woman if she has a fishy odor?

5. I use to have a really awesome job in California and I worked out occasionally and enjoyed my weekends. I've gained weight (40lbs) and quit my awesome job and moved back home... The other day I looked in the mirror and thought "damn you really let yourself go". So the question is could someone be ugly and honestly believe their gorgeous? What would you rate me on a scale of 1-10?

What do you think? I really want someone's honest opinion about it and you seem to be quite frank.



Dear Chick Who Thinks She Stanks Like A Dirty Butthole,

Never in my wildest fucking dreams did I think I would be back (after a short ass retirement) blogging. But here I fucking am. Back and ready to take on anything that comes (and cums) my way. I hope you're not a sensitive little vagina because Big Game J-Wunder is about to spit some knowledge and truth. Have a seat because shit is about to get REAL.

FACT: You stink. Probably like some old ass Chinese food. Maybe cheese. Possibly a landfill that was just shit on by 1 million seagulls with diarrhea.

Now, the reality is if you think you smell, you probably fucking smell. How bad? I have no fucking clue. Do you want to puke when you get a solid deep breath in, around your lady parts? Armpits reek of a homeless man's asshole? Vagina smell like a dried out aquarium? How bad is bad? Well, ask yourself, "Would I eat my pussy if I was a dude" and if the answer is no, then it's pretty bad, Sweet Tits.

But I will be honest because you did ask...if you smell fishy, the only dude that is gonna eat your box are the following type of men:

1) A very drunk and blacked out, Romeo.
2) A very desperate man.
3) A virgin...this is a plus for you because he will think pussy is supposed to smell like a Benihana's.
4) A man who lost his sense of smell...again, plus for you.
5) A man who just loves pussy no matter what it smells like.

You're probably saying, "Well isn't #5 all men?" Nah, boo. Take it from your boy...I love me some of the Tampon Tunnel but if your Stench Trench smells like something you possibly killed 3 weeks ago, I'm probably gonna puke on you, run out of your house and never call your ass again. It's all fun and games until your Cock Socket is smelling like some funny business...you feeling me right now?

On the flip side, would dudes bang you even if you smelled like some Return of the Living Dead shit? Of course. I mean, his dick will probably smell like the toxic version of Fun Dip for a week but if he wears a Jimmy Cap, he should be all good. UNLESS, your vaginal fluids are so potent, it just seeps right through that rubber like the motherfucking Blob. That shit would not be cool.

I've been on both sides of the coin where I went down on a chick who smelled like her grandmother's decomposed body and about died. I've also banged a broad who smelled like a goddamn tomato cannery plant. How did I get through both scenarios. Simple...

With the girl whose box I munched, I threw the fuck up and told her I was too drunk. It wasn't weird because we were drunk. But her pussy smelled so rancid I thought I lost a bet and had to eat dog shit. Yeah, not sure when was the last time she took a shower. It was that fucking bad. Never spoke to her again.

However, with the other girl, I did my thing. We banged with unpleasant scents hovering around like a dense fog, but it wasn't as bad as being up close and personal to the smell. It's amazing what the advantages of the doggy style position can help avoid. Don't get it twisted though, the smell was awful and my cock smelled like a corn on the cobb tossed around a 3rd World Country for 40 days (that's the price you pay for loving the RAW DOG). I think she knew something was up when the next two times we had sex, we were in the shower. That was the end of that.

So to answer your question after my diatribe of bullshit:

1) Talk to a doctor about it and see what they say and if there is something to help the cause.

2) Tell your family to man the fuck up and be honest. If you know you smell like shit, you know they know you smell like shit. That's fucked up BTW if they aren't real with you.

3) Next time you think you're about to hit the skins with a dude, do the simple thing: ASK. Ask him if he thinks you smell like a fish market. But if you do it with a dude, make sure it's with someone you could care less about ever seeing again. Trust.

4) You gained 40 pounds and you know what? You about a 7.

Don't let this bullshit hold you down. You think a dude with coat hanger dick makes him feel depressed? FUCK NO. You know what he does? Motherfuckers finds ways to still fuck bitches and let those bitches know that even with a dick that's handicapped, he still can lay down the pipe where broads forget about it and keep coming back for more.

Happy New Year,

GG 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Advice Column: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do



Hi Ghetto Genius Headquarters:

The story is like this. I have a friend who I have known since high school. He has always been somewhat full of himself and tried a little harder than others to seem "cool". But nothing more than I couldn't handle.

But ever since college, I have started to grow impatient with him. Probably because I have started working almost full time to support myself while going to school. My life was definitely harder, so I wanted it to be simpler in areas I could help. I have since removed a few people from my life because they brought nothing but negativity. He is the latest friend I want to get rid of but he keeps coming back. He texts and if I don't reply he will text even more then I feel like I have to respond. I have been telling him that I'm too busy with work, which is true. I have been working for more than 9 days without rest.

With other people I stopped associating myself with I simply just ended contact with them and they seemed to have got the message and never bothered me again.

He is arrogant and lies in front of me to other people about the things I know the truth of. For example, his parents pay for his college tuition, but he tells people his part time job pays enough for tuition costs. And his parents bought a new mercedes for his sister because she is getting married. When he told me about it I was like cool and he proceeded to list all three mercedes models to me. He knew I knew nothing about cars, and I didn't even ask which ones his family had. It felt like he just wanted to show off. He's even said that he will never drive anything less than a mercedes, but I'm like what gives you the right to say that? He's graduated from college, and doesn't know what he wants to do. Only works part time. Everything he has was blessed to him by his parents, except for that part time job which pays slightly above minimum wage. Everytime he talks to me I just want to end the conversation immediately. I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. But he seems to not be getting the message.

If it was a relationship I could easily say look it's not working out. I'm better off without you. It's harsh but its true. But how do you do that to a friend? Is there a way I don't know about?

- How to break up with a friend?



Dear How To Break Up With A Friend,

Look homie, I ain't gay (and I don't have a problem with my homosexual pimps and hoes), but either your homeboy has a thing for you or he's just another dude that is a Monkey Mouth Bitch.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Not sure what's worse, your homie acting like a needy cunt or you acting like a scared vagina breaking off a friendship.

Last I checked, this wasn't your girlfriend and second, what fucking guy comes to another guy for advice to break off a friendship with another guy? Man, I love you but shit, you're making this super hard for me not to slay the fuck out of you this whole fucking column. But hey, that's why you fucking wrote me right? To put hair on your goddamn chest and call you out when you're acting like a little bitch.

Actually, now that I think about it, I remember when I was in this SAME EXACT situation you were in. Yeah...it's all fucking coming back to me now...

I remember it like I was in 3rd grade. I wonder why????????

BECAUSE I WAS YOU DUMB FUCK.

C'mon man. You really need advice on how to break up with your homeboy? You shitting me right now?! You're a grown ass fucking man and you, as a fucking man (or lack thereof), doesn't have an inch of foreskin to tell your buddy, "Yo bro, you a bitch. The only bitches I kick it with are ones who like to Netflix and chill. I can't be dealing with male bitchassness. Kick rocks, playa."

No sir. Not you. Instead, you come writing to me with your "wah wah" Mickey Mouse bullshit in hopes I will have this Dali Lama, politically correct, insight on how to break your friend's heart so you probably don't look like a fucking dick, right?

Unless this cat took a bullet for you, jumped out in front of a car for you or better yet, fucked you in the butthole/cinnamon ring while playing a game of "let's just see what happens," why the fuck are you making this shit difficult? What in God's fucking name do you owe this guy? I mean, did you suck his dick one night when you were wasted and are afraid if you tell him to kick rocks, he's gonna tell people you like to "YouTube and kneel"?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

You sound worse than 65% of the broads that write into me with their problems, bitchacho. You're a dude, bro. Not even the most feminine of men would come to me with some shit like this. Real talk. Straight up.

I get it's frustrating that your bromigo makes up stories to other folks. You know what I would do if that shit happened? I would call that motherfucker out so he looks like a little mark ass bitch because mark ass bitches deserve to get called out. Sack the fuck up, man! You're acting like this is make-or-break. Unless this dude is planning on paying your bills and taking care of you for the rest of your goddamn life, why think about how you're gonna break the bad news? If this friend ain't your cup of tea anymore, then tell him and stop being a pussy. Pussy.

Tell me this, if dude is your friend, why on earth would you want to cut him loose? Do friends do that to one another? If so, it's probably because you'd be better off without them, right? Do you want to be better off without him? From your baby ass email, it sounds like you do.

So again...

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ADVICE ON TELLING THIS GUY TO KICK ROCKS?

You gonna get back together with him, sweetheart?

You gonna catch feelings one day when you're in your car listening to Adele and remembering the "good 'ol days" with your homie, Zack Attack?

Oh wait...lemme guess...when you need attention because no woman will ever give it to you, you're gonna want him back?

Duuuuuuuude, right now, I think these readers have lost 80% respect for you and your manhood and 20% of whatever is between your legs. Here's a hint...it ain't a penis.

So in short, to summarize my advice:

- Stop being a bitch because you're a major one at this moment in time.

- Fuck your homeboy...figuratively, not literally. Unless you want to coat his Cinnabon.

- Tell him how it is.

- Stop being a bitch.

- Stop being a bitch.

- Go get laid or find a new hobby.

All Men Are Created Equal...except you. You are a Vagina Boy,

J-Wunder




Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Advice Column: Wolf In Sheep's Clothing



Dear J-Wunder,

Plain and simple, I need help. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about three years now and I couldn't be happier. Things are great between us and he's an amazing guy. But you see, he's experienced while he's my only experience. I'm still way too shy when it comes to doing the dirty and bumping uglies beneath the sheets. Whenever he initiates sex, I'm all in. Ready for action and horny as hell. 4 a.m. and woken from a dead sleep? No problem. As long as he puts the moves on me, I'm game. Done deal. But what I need to know is how can I unleash the sexual beast in myself? I'm always too nervous to ever initiate anything and I absolutely hate it! The only time I can dish it out is when I'm drunk...which pretty much turns me into an A-List pornstar. How can I become a freak in the sheets without the help from a little glass bottle? I love to suck, and I love to fuck way too much to be this reserved. I crave the "D"...his "D" anyway, and I want to be able to show my man just how much he gets me going. Hell, if I could stop being such a little bitch about it, I'd go fuck him and find out how many licks it takes to make his tootsie pop right now. Do you think you can help me?

Sincerely,
Wolf in sheep's clothing


Dear Wolf In Sheep's Clothing,

First off, I want to congratulate you on finding a virgin surgeon (a.k.a. your boyfriend) that was able to insert his valuables in your safety deposit box. I hope he tore your shit apart but was nice enough to make you a bowl of cereal the next day to mask the possible awkwardness while you two were lying naked in his bed wondering, "I hope I was good enough." All jokes aside, I appreciate you writing in with your problem because as you and the world may know, I am the motherfucker with all the solutions. Even if they are beyond fucked up and make no goddamn sense.

Sit tight, grab a pen and some paper because I'm gonna open your eyes to that sexy bitch that lies deep inside of you.

I've seen and been with women just like you. Great in the sack. Love sex. However, they lack self-confidence. Well, except when they're wasted but that's another story for another time. I know women like yourself so well that I actually have a few rules that will not only make y'all bitches come out of your shell, BUT exude that confidence you have always been looking for. Now, don't get it twisted, a good percentage of women have confidence, however, the confidence they try to find from a sexual aspect, lacks. So get ready Tits Magee because your motherfucking life is about to change.


Rule #1: Confidence takes time.

I don't care if you've been dating your man for a fucking month or 10 goddamn years, all I know is that women who are in your position need one thing when it comes to showing that "freak in the sheets" side - TIME. Sure you're an A-List Porn Star when you're wasted. I love my asshole tickled when I'm wasted, so what's your point? With time, comes comfort. Shy broads always have that self debate on when showing that Walker Sexas Ranger is allowed, if ever. The reality is, if you show a side to your man when you're hammered, then there is no need to worry if he's going to judge you doing the same shit sober. Sure you may have been slurring some pretty off the wall shit while you were fucking him like the chupacabra attacking a herd of sheep when you two got back from the bars Saturday night...and maybe you surprised him by tossing his salad with parmesan cheese instead of ranch dressing, right before he blew his load all over your rack. Inhibitions are non-existent when you're wasted. It's also a good excuse if things don't go as planned. That's why when you finally settle in that comfort zone, you gotta show your man that confidence. That sexy bitch who has been caged up since the beginning of time. If you love to fuck and suck the "D", then there shouldn't be any issue showing him the different ways you want it.


Rule #2: Don't act sexy, BE sexy.

I hate it when chicks try to act sexy. That is probably one of the worst no-no's a bitch could ever do. Now, some guys buy into that shit because well, they are desperate and some dudes standards are at a negative 1,893,093. They'd fuck carpet if it could get wet. Wait, what?! Sexy doesn't mean one specific thing. Sexy is whatever it is that makes you feel or be sexy. That's what makes a motherfucking dude want the golden pussy. There was this one broad that didn't have to do much to make me want to fuck her til she was blue in the face. She could put her hair up, wear her reading glasses, with a v-neck shirt and some booty shorts and just the way she came off with such confidence with no fucks to give was sexy. She knew it and I sure as fuck knew it. That's what you gotta do. Your man loves fucking you. That right there in itself is a sign that you have some sort of sexiness. I've seen your picture and you're fucking hot. Be that hot bitch you know you can be. Sexy isn't defined by wearing 6 inch heels, walking around like a goddamn drunk baby giraffe. Fuck no and fuck that. Sexy is when a woman can rock her shit with such confidence that you wouldn't even know it. When you get to that level of sexy, that level that YOU know, then it's all good. Don't be sexy for your man, be sexy for YOU. Women need to put themselves first. That's what will give a guy, including your man, the desire to want you even more.


Rule #3: Unleash the beast.

You said it yourself, you are always game when your man sells tickets for rides on the Pound Town Express. And as much as that's all gravy, you need to wake the fuck up. Men love it when a woman can keep them on their toes. Whether that's surprising them with tickets to their favorite sporting event or telling them you can put it in your ass "just this once," men dig it when women can always surprise them, and vice-versa. Healthy relationships last a long time because couples always keep it fresh. Always keep it entertaining. ALWAYS keep it sexy. You need to do all of these. Especially the last part. When you find that comfort, when you find your ultimate sexy side, you need to UNLEASH THE BEAST. You need to have no fucks to give and take care of your man like you know you can. The problem here isn't fucking him right. I'm sure you fuck him like he wants to be fucked. How-the-fuck-ever, you need to wow this motherfucker to the point that after you're finished with him, he's seeing stars, going blind, hi-fiving Jesus or is sucking his thumb asking for some milk from your goddamn titties. That beast of a freak that lies inside your amazing body has ideas. Has plans. Has the know-it-all on what the fuck you need to do and how to do it fucking right. RAWR, bitch.


Rule #4: Take control. 

Here is your chance to make a motherfucker squirm. Whether you're telling this cat to dress up in leather, beating his balls with a paddle, whipping him like Seabiscuit at the Kentucky Derby or whatever...you my dear, need to take control. From start to finish. I don't care if you do your own version of the Donkey Punch or Dirty Sanchez, you just need to make sure you make your man YOUR bitch. On behalf of all dudes, trust me when I say this...WE LOVE IT WHEN A WOMAN CAN TAKE CONTROL AND MAKE A BROTHER'S LEGS QUIVER. That's the level your ass needs to be at. That's the level that you can't play below. That's the level where you are at but need to show that. Stop Jedi-Mind Fucking yourself and start Jedi-Mind Fucking your man. I'm not down for getting tied up and having old ass gym socks shoved in my mouth while having hot wax poured onto my body while Sade is playing in the background and the dog is licking peanut butter off my asshole, but your man might be into some type of shit like that. Regardless of how you want to approach it and do it, just TAKE CONTROL.


Rule #5: Have fun. 

No brainer, right? No really. More times than not, couples just fuck out of obligation or pity. I know you're not even close to this category but like the amazing motherfucker I am, I have to preach the things that help couples get to the next level in order to stay the fuck together. Y'all just need to have some fucking fun. I can only imagine how great sex is but you being shy limits you to the shit you WANT to do. To the shit you WANT to say. To the shit you WANT to be. If sex was bad, I'd say, "You should fuck me first so I can evaluate where you and your man need to be" but it's not. You just need to have some fucking fun...minus the booze...and show your man what the fuck is up and how YOU roll. Chicks that come with the thunder out of nowhere are the best bitches to fuck and be around. Again, it comes back to that Jedi-Mind Fucking and element of surprise bullshit I was yapping about earlier. Sometimes I look at couples and think, "Man, I bet those two sonsofbitches have a boring ass sex life. Square as fuck and have no goddamn clue how to keep each other happy." Don't be that couple that I talk shit about. Sex only gets better when both sides come with this thunder and cum together. O-FACES ALL DAY, ERRRRDAY!


You are so close to making this motherfucker probably want to marry you. I get how you've only banged one dude and you're probably not the type to fuck multiple people like yours truly. Nothing wrong with that. But, just remember don't make your relationship and sex life get to the point where it hits a wall and there is nowhere to go. 5 RULES that I promise will get that bad bitch inside of you going real fast.

Keep sucking. Keep fucking. And show this cat who's also a freak in the sheets.

Now I'm all horny. Thanks, bitch.

Much love,

J-Wunder

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Advice Column: Missing "Dick" In Action




Dear J-Wunder,

I have been with the same guy since I was 20 and he was 18. Back in the beginning he wanted sex ALL the time. I'm talking every day, three to four times a day. We both worked and it always seemed like a chore to me. Maybe this was because I didn't really enjoy it at the time. I basically knew nothing about having sex. Quite frankly, I was probably a lousy lay, but did it all the time because he wanted it. Before him, I only had sex with two other guys, so I basically knew nothing. I guess I was shy in the sack. Not now.

Well here it is almost a decade later and I'm with the same guy. Through those ten years he gradually slowed down to asking for it maybe twice a week. Well, here in the last six to eight months the tables turned. I finally realized what the G spot was and want him to pound it all the time. As a matter of fact, that is all I have been thinking about.  He feels like a king nOw knowing how to get me off. At first he was loving it.  Now when I want it all the time, he is too tired. I always thought he would want it, but acts like its no big deal now.

He has been bragging to his friends at work that he gets it any time he wants it.  Now, I'm embarrassed to be around his friends. Is that normal?

Question...is he just tired from having to get me off? I really thought men would take it anytime, anywhere.

By the way, I don't think he's cheating. Also, I'm embarrassed for sending this.
Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Horny Bitch


Dear Horny Bitch,

Damn Gina….never, ever, ever, ever, EVER be embarrassed for wanting to broaden your hatchet wound's horizons. It’s quite alright to ask questions, read, watch, listen, or attend an institute of higher learning, like one of Jenna Jameson’s cock-in-mouth, sword-swallowing seminars.

You are two years older than your dude, which doesn’t seem like much, but keep in mind that he hit that infamous sexual peak about the time you started dating him. NEWS FLASH: I wanted pussy since I was like 5. Tapped my first piece of ass around 12 or 13. Fuck my first amputee when I was...Wait, what?! But I digress...

Your man is always locked, cocked and ready to rock because that’s what every 18 year old guy is. And every 20 year old female wants a dude who’s into her, right? Her, her mouth, her vagina, whatever. The point is you were getting more than sex from your man back then – you were getting attention. When women want their man’s attention, they will do almost fucking anything to get it, including getting freaky 3 times a goddamn day. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but…FUCK YESSSSSSS!!!!! That makes my dick sore but amazingly happy just thinking about it.

You probably didn’t enjoy it back then because you knew in your heart that he was paying attention to your poontang and not you.  That shit probably made you sad as fuck, right? And it’s probably also why you were a “lousy lay”. Let me break something down for you, playa...as far as men – especially 18 year old fuckboys - are concerned, DOESN’T MATTER. HAD SEX. BOOM!!! *mic drop* But now that you’re 30 or whatever and starting to “find yourself” sexually, dude doesn’t want to get down? Bitch, please. Let’s be honest. Men like vagina, especially yours truly. They will rarely, if ever, turn it down unless they know that your ham hock is rotten because she smashed a homie and he's still combing out the bar flies.

I’m glad that you trust your man and have convinced yourself he’s not cheating. I would be concerned that if he’s not getting it from you, he is probably getting that shit somewhere else. Hopefully that’s not the case here, but you just never fucking know. Especially nowadays with motherfuckers cheating like there's an Asian kid sitting next to them. Relationships are always such a huge leap of faith, which is why trust is everything. I’m not one to trust a motherfucker straight out the fucking gate, but if you know your man well enough to trust that he’s not dipping out and banging bitches like it's his job, good for you. I gotta say, though, after 10 years if you are still both hitting that ass at least twice a week, you’re doing pretty fucking well.  

So, what are you gonna do? What CAN you do?

What your ass chooses to do depends on the goddamn strength of your relationship, how much he doesn’t want to fuck, and how much you wanna to take that one-way ticket to Pound Town.

Channel your inner porn star, homegirl. We all have one. Some people give them cute names. I prefer to stand on merit, not make up some name like I’m trying to catch a producer’s eye at Vivid. Plan a solid, hardcore seduction scene. After 10 years, you should know what your man likes, so do that shit. If he likes lingerie, skank it up like the hoebag you are into something lacy and some stripper heels...don't forget to do the motherfucking heel clack!!!! All dudes love the heel clack.

If he likes you more when you're butt ass naked, make him dinner with no clothes on. But make sure you’ve waxed or shaved your business because nothing is further from sexy than finding a pube in your motherfucking Fettuccine Alfredo. Most importantly, if your man works long hours during the week, don’t plan that shit for a Friday night. He doesn’t want to come home after a long day at work only to be faced with more fucking work. And yes, when you’re tired as balls, sex is fucking work. Unless you're me and find that second wind and can still make that pussy hummmmmmm. However, all the kissing and licking and stroking of things…FUCK. That shit can be a second job for some dudes. If he isn't into porn (and I defy you to show me a fucking dude that isn’t into porn), he’s gotta be into something. Whatever it is, if you’re comfortable with it, work it. Men respond to being treated like kings. And sometimes it’s fun to be the wench in their little fantasies. Role play the fuck outta whatever your little pussy pocket desires then pounce on that motherfucker like female praying mantis' do after they get done fucking their man. Now, don't go and kill the motherfucker and eat his ass like the female mantis. I'm just using that shit as an example because it's savage as fuck. Know what I'm saying? 

Real talk, I’m having problems giving you any other advice here, because I don’t like playing fucking games. I don’t want to tell you to play “hard to get”, or to start going out with your slutty girlfriends to make him jealous or any other stupid horseshit. It’s childish and is only going to add to your fucking problems, not solve them. Bottom line is, if you walk up on your man, grab his cock like a bucket of ice when you bitches are on your period and tell him he’s about to get it, and he tells you he doesn’t want it? I think it’s time you explored some other fucking options. Unless he’s getting it somewhere else or he’s on high dose anti-depressants, no man is going to turn down a willing piece of ass. Not even blind motherfuckers. Sex is a large part of keeping relationships alive and happy and if you’re not getting what you need, get the fuck out and find it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  There is somebody out there for everybody. Somebody who fills all those fucking needs. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying you should dump dude and go on a wild fuck fest spree. But it should be clear that if you want it, you’re going to get it  - one way or another. Yes, he makes your toes curl, but don’t let him think for one minute that he’s the only motherfucker on the planet who can do that. You know what you like, and you’ll make that shit happen regardless.

Get yours,  

Ghetto Genius 

31 Tattoos That Will Make You Wish You Were Dead

1. This ode to an old friend:

This ode to an old friend:

2. This perfect life motto:

This perfect life motto:

3. This comically ridiculous tattoo of Louis C.K. on a man’s nipple:

This comically ridiculous tattoo of Louis C.K. on a man's nipple:

4. The 38th Governor of California:

The 38th Governor of California:

5. This statistics major:

This statistics major:

6. This permanently risqué dresser:

This permanently risqué dresser:

7. Freddy Mercury:

Freddy Mercury:

8. The King:

The King:

9. This fake hairline:

This fake hairline:

10. This mark of a champion:

This mark of a champion:

11. This classic of Jesus riding Falkor:

This classic of Jesus riding Falkor:

12. This tattoo that gives new meaning to “taste the rainbow”:

This tattoo that gives new meaning to "taste the rainbow":

13. The casual and classy Ron Burgundy thigh tattoo:

The casual and classy Ron Burgundy thigh tattoo:

14. This puppy portrait:

This puppy portrait:

15. This Miley Cyrus masterpiece:

This Miley Cyrus masterpiece:

16. These words to live by:

These words to live by:

17. This McDonald’s receipt:

This McDonald's receipt:

18. This totally normal back of the head baboon tattoo:

This totally normal back of the head baboon tattoo:

19. This forever fresh cut:

This forever fresh cut:

20. These unfortunate golden arches:

These unfortunate golden arches:

21. This Jägerbomb I.V.:

This Jägerbomb I.V.:

22. This important reminder:

This important reminder:

23. This tattoo for dad:

This tattoo for dad:

24. This Bible passage:

This Bible passage:

25. This empowering statement:

This empowering statement:

26. And this Patrick Swayze fan tattoo:

And this Patrick Swayze fan tattoo:

27. This ode to vampire romance novels:

This ode to vampire romance novels:

28. This flawless depiction of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile:

This flawless depiction of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile:

29. This replica of a Tetris high score:

This replica of a Tetris high score:

30. This really bizarre family tradition:

This really bizarre family tradition:

31. And this brilliant representation of what love looks like:

And this brilliant representation of what love looks like:

via - BuzzFeed