Thursday, May 19, 2016

Advice Column: Here's To You, Miss Robinson!

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

I am a divorced 32 year old mother of two. I am infatuated with the 18 year old maintenance man's son. I am not looking to find my kids a daddy or myself a husband. I just want to have some fun. My question is; is it wrong for a 32 soon to be 33 year old woman to sleep with an 18 year old man?? 

Dear Ain't Nobody got Time for a Salutation,

Hi, I am H-Bomb. How the fuck are you doing? Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let's fucking do this shit.

I know, I know, y'all haven't heard from me in a hot minute. I may have even become fodder for a game of dead, jail, or rehab. Alas, my hiatus was nothing more than life getting in the way of fuckery, but I got that shit on lock and 'ol H-Bomb is about to start kicking it old school and wrecking shit on all your issues. And I know you motherfuckers got issues. I read the comments. I seent it.

So, little miss Cougar Tits got her honkers in a bind, cus she wants to fuck on the no-no bits of the maintenance man's son, aka, the gardener's boy. Cliche as fuck, sure. But, the truth of the matter is bitches need dick or bitches go cray. It's an irrefutable fact that I can back up with 100% certainty, as a bitch who goes cray when she doesn't get the dick.

You got 2 kids and the wrong kind of Big D? Someone get this woman some good dick, stat, before she loses her goddamn mind and becomes another statistic of a suburban ex-housewife gone butt-booty-crazy. How, pray tell, would I know you are the Mayoress of Suburbia and the Princess of The PTA? Cus I am a motherfucking snoop, yo. No, not Snoop Doggy Dogg; but I am nosy as fuck and I like to do my research on the magical internets.

See, when you send ya boy an email and he forwards it to me with his usual, "Yooooooooooooo, this is you, bitch. Put your scotch down and handle this," I see your email address and sometimes even your name. Quick search on FaceBook, in between my usual CornHub (did you see that shit on April Fool's Day? HILARIOUS) and online shopping nonsense, and I found you, saw some pics and got a feel for who the fuck this Cougar of the Cul De Sac really is. Guess what PumaPuss? You are not too shabby! I would knock the dust off your beaver, if you ever wanted to swing that way. Don't worry, 1 year away from To Catch A Predator, I am not going to divulge your identity. Your secret is safe with me, Ivanna Humpalot. But, on the reals, you are a hot piece of ass and I think you have a chance of riding the Pound Town Express all the way to Cougartown!

To be a Cougar or not to be Cougar? That is the question.

Be. A. Fucking. Cougar.

I know, I shocked the shit out of everyone with that answer. On the reals though, get yours. Get it in a house. Get it with a mouse. Get it in your box. Get it with the young Fox. You say he is the maintenance man's son? Sounds like he knows how to handle a hoe, then. Like Ghandi said, "Be the Hoe you want to see in the world."

Ghandi, Ron Jeremy, whatever. Don't let his age get to you either, Beaverella. If he is old enough to serve our great country, he is old enough to serve that fine coochie. Old enough to set the table, old enough to cum to dinner. And on dinner. And in her. I hope at this point I have made it abundantly clear: Fuck bitches, get youngins! Just remember to wrap before you slap, lest he has the clap. This is not the 80s and STD's are for teens humping in cars and old people fucking in the nursing home. Clap on, Clap off. No Clappers!!!

"BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT?" I know sweet tits, you are mom and a fine, upstanding, pillar of the community who wants to see some 18 year old's 'pillar of the community.' It's a risk, and the other PTA Putas could be find out you are a harlot who wants to get her cookie eaten like the last supper. I get it. I too have to live a double life; that of a person who is respected in the community and deals with fancy fucks all day long, but also longs to get filled out like an application by the pool boy. The older/younger fantasy works for like 99.9% of the free world. Every woman has lusted after some young stud, and every dirty old man, is well, a dirty old man. Deal with it. And if someone has some shit to say to you about getting your o-glow from the barely legal boy, please direct them to this link: 

Flash Furniture

Then, buy them this chair and tell them to take a fucking seat, shut the fuck up, and if they want to stay and watch you hump your hottie, to pop some popcorn and enjoy the show! You good? Yeah, I think we are done here.

This shit is waaaay too easy,


Monday, May 16, 2016

15 Anal Sex Horror Stories That’ll Make You Gag

1. The most shameful walk of all time:

“I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I’d ever seen. I had to take his penis out of my ass because it hurt so bad, and he said, ‘Damn, you made a mess.’ I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor.His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on, and he started freaking out. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.”

2. The sock sponge:

“When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I were hooking up in his car, and he suggested we do anal. I agreed, but felt nervous about it because I had no idea what it’d be like. So he put it in and my asshole was not down — I ended up shitting all over him. I immediately started crying while he was wiping his shit-covered dick off with my sock.

3. The princess of passing out:

“I have a heart condition where I faint when I get hurt. I don’t tell many people, ‘cause I don’t think everyone needs to know. Well, my boyfriend was slamming into me during sex once and slipped out, and when he tried to ram it back in, he accidentally went in the wrong hole. I screamed and tried to run to the bathroom — I didn’t want to faint in front of him. But I didn’t make it; I passed out on his bedroom floor and woke up to hear him screaming for his MOM to come help!

4. The grapey gas:

“I kept telling my now ex-boyfriend that I didn’t like anal because it always hurt too much. But he kept whining, so I said ‘fuck it.’ Well, I’d eaten a big bowl of grapes that day, and sure enough, he entered me and I let out a fart so juicy he felt it vibrate on his thing. He never asked for it again.”

5. The blood brigade:

“I was on my period and we wanted to have sex, so we decided on anal. About 20 minutes earlier, I had the urge to poop, but never did. We got hot and heavy, I was getting rammed into the wall, hurt my shoulder, ended up completely pooping on his wiener, and because it was so rough, I bled for two days out of my butt.

6. The burnin’ booty:

“It was my first time ever trying anal sex with my boyfriend. We had a few drinks, and he finally convinced me to try it. He used some lube, but within two minutes, my ass was on FIRE — I had an allergic reaction to the lube he chose! It has forever scarred me from trying again.”

7. The silent sweeper:

“I was seeing this very laid-back, nice guy and decided he was the first I should share anal with. We were going at it, and I took it well. Suddenly, he pulled out and calmly walked away. I stayed there, my ass invitingly in the air, waiting for him to return. When he finally did, he silently wiped my ass with a paper towel. Apparently poop had gotten all over it and his penis.”

8. Don’t go shittin’ waterfalls:

“I was experimenting with my partner, and it initially wasn’t as bad as I’d anticipated. But as he was pulling out, he moved too quickly, and I just started leaking runny cum diarrhea. I ran naked to the toilet, and there was poo on his thighs and all over our bed and floor leading to the bathroom.
The CW

9. Somethin’s fishy:

“I hooked up with a guy on Grindr. We banged in his car, and once we’d finished, we couldn’t find the condom. We spent ages looking for it before I decided to just leave and go home. Turns out the condom was hanging out of my butthole like a rubbery blue tail.

10. The little douche:

“I was having sex with my ex, and after we finished and cleaned up, we got into bed. He pointed at something, and goes, “What’s that?” It was the littlest poop. It had fallen out of one of our butts and was just there on the bed, staring at me. The next time I went to his place, he had a douche set waiting in his bathroom.”
The CW

11. ~Leaf~ the butt alone:

“My man and I used to live with housemates, so we’d sneak into the forest to have sex. One day we were in our forest place, and he put it in my butt. After he pulled out, his dick and my butt were all covered in jizzy, liquid poop. We had to clean up as best we could, using leaves and my hoodie. I then had to transport my poopy hoodie all the way home to wash it.”
—Pearl Black, Facebook

12. The emotional roller coaster:

“The first (and only) time my husband and I did it, I got super emotional afterward because I saw a piece of shit on the floor next to the bed and thought it was mine. I was hysterical — crying and basically screaming. I blame it on the super-sensitive nerves he penetrated. And after all of it I learned the shit on the floor was from one of our dogs.
—Katherine Leigh Lyles, Facebook

13. The hidden present:

“My boyfriend came home drunk and wanted anal. We had done it once before, but we were both sober and careful to go slow and use lube. This time he was so drunk, he poured lube ALL OVER my ass and shoved his dick right in! It hurt so bad I had to stop him after a minute or two. The next morning he went to the bathroom and found SHIT under his foreskin that had been there all night!

14. The shower scene:

“We were attempting shower sex, and he mistook the back door for the front door when he just went for it. We’d never tried anal before, so my body went into shock and I passed out right there, in the shower.

15. And the casual encounter:

“We did anal for 20 minutes, and afterward I felt ~not quite right~. When I got to the toilet, the seat was down, and it had a soft-close lid — so by the time the lid was down, I’d pooped all over the floor. There was runny shit down my leg and it smelled awful, but I didn’t know what to do. There was no shower in the bathroom, and I couldn’t bear to escape, so I had to use half a roll of toilet paper to wash the floor, and washed my leg in the sink. I went back to his room 15 minutes later, pretending nothing happened.”
—Bridget May Jackson, Facebook
via - BuzzFeed

Wait...What?! Episode 7: Flavor Tripping with M Berries, some shit called Flakka, the REAL Illuminati, Sex Toys and the Male Ego...

27 Dirty Tumblr Posts That Will Make You Laugh Then Pray For Forgiveness

1. The new and improved:

The new and improved:

2. This unpleasant surprise:

This unpleasant surprise:

3. This accurate depiction:

This accurate depiction:

4. This cause for celebration:

This cause for celebration:

5. This downright lie:

6. This form of arm day:

This form of arm day:

7. The indescribable feeling:

8. That special moment:

9. This person on a mission, tbh:

10. This spot-on metaphor:

This spot-on metaphor:

12. This minor explosion:

13. These roads diverged:

These roads diverged:

14. This rollercoaster of emotions:

15. This truth:

16. This person who definitely needs Jesus:

This person who definitely needs Jesus:

17. That awkward moment:

18. This thing I’m truly sorry for:

19. These poor lovers:

20. This demand:

21. This comeback you’ll definitely steal:

This comeback you'll definitely steal:

22. This childhood-ruiner:

This childhood-ruiner:

23. These unrealistic standards:

These unrealistic standards:

24. This miscommunication:

25. This strategic piece of advice:

26. This standoff:

27. This call for perseverance:

This call for perseverance:
via - BuzzFeed