Friday, April 15, 2016

Advice Column: I Don't See Nothin' Wrong...With A Little Bumpin' Uglies



Dear Ghetto Genius,

I'll be straight up and to the point...my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month and we're both into one another. I can see myself with this man and I hope he can see himself with me. The one thing that is causing a little bump in the road is that when it comes to sex, it's mind blowing but, I think we're both insecure about what's down there. See, I guess you can say what you'd like to call "roast beef" and his penis resembles that of a banana or coat hanger. I think when we first gave oral, it was a big turn-off for both of us but not even til this day, has either one of us voiced our concern over it. It's just weird sucking him off with his thing looking like that and I'm almost positive he doesn't like all the extra vagina I bring to the table. LOL. 

It's so bad we always have sex with the lights off and when it's the day time, we ALWAYS do it doggy. 

Am I just over concerned or in your experience is this a problem? I don't know how to bring it up but I know something is up.

HELP!

BTW, love your podcast and glad you're doing new things. 

Love, 
All meat and no pleasure



Dear All Meat And No Pleasure,

What in the ungodly fuck did I just fucking read right now?!

Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Here we go...here we fucking goooooooooo!!!!!

For years, there are two things I've made certain: 

1) Vaginas are not fucking pretty.

2) Penises are just as fucking ugly.

Those are facts. You know it. I know it. The whole WORLD fucking knows it.

Now, for every ugly penis and vagina, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. What's that light you might ask? Say it with me...

S-E-X

S-E-XXXXXX

SSSSSSEXXXXXXXXX

SSSSSSSSSSEXXXXXXXX

It's sex, motherfucker. 

Sex makes the world go round. So does oral. But in you and your man's case, that shit is non-fucking-existent. Real talk.

Whether your pussy is shaped like a pitchers mound or a head-on collision you can't look away from, fact of the matter is, that is fucking life. Sometimes God blesses a motherfucker with ugly ass junk. It could be worse, right? I mean, you could have an Arby's twat that smells like a landfill of human waste and he could have a banana/coat hanger penis the size of a mature field mouse. Beggars can't be choosers. You get what you get, unless you say, "fuck it," and move on to something bigger and better. However, what's the next guy or gal gonna say when they see the Gremlin in your fucking pants? If I were you, I'd embrace that shit, and get the fuck over it.

No man, I know, ever said, "Yeah, can you give me less meat on that sandwich?" Fuck no and fuck that. What does extra meat on a sandwich have to do with the extra vagina lips you're packing? Dudes don't give a fuck. Unless your shit got warts, got enough yeast to fill a bakery or smells like that of the Holocaust (settle down you sensitive fucks), then dudes could give a shit what your pussy looks like. Will it be a mouthful when he goes down there? Sure as shit it will. But like every man who has put too much food on his plate, he finds a way to conquer the mission. Maybe he hasn't thought it through because to him he might be like, "Damn, this bitch got layers of pussy and I don't even know if she can feel my tongue on it." Or, "Damn Daniel, this bitch got like 5 clits...do I aim for the one in the middle?"

On the flip side, you have the issue of sucking dick sideways. It's like you're doing neck exercises with your head on a swivel. Why? Because no dick should look like that. But like I said, it could be worse. He could be hung like a toddler with balls that have a better chance of fucking you better.

Get over it sweetheart. Chicks either love sucking dick or they don't. There's no in-between. I don't think I've ever met a woman who said, "Eh. I only like sucking dick IF..." Or, "I only suck white and black dicks. I jerk off all other races." Nah bitch, you either love the dick in your mouth all day, every day, or you don't. The shit could look like it went to a goddamn yoga retreat, if it's a dick, and you like sucking it, what the fuck does it matter?

Now that we got those issues and concerns out of the way, how do we face the problem? It's simple. Talk to one another, motherfuckers. You know what that is, right? It's where two people interact and have a conversation. It's quite awesome once you do it.

This is what bugs the shit out of me nowadays. Couples don't talk. They assume.

FACT: ASSUMPTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK UPS.

Don't be an assumer (Is this even a fucking word? It is now.).

Y'all need to sack the fuck up, sit each others asses down and say, "Yo, I dig the fuck out of you, but something is up when we get busy fucking. Lights are always off after sunset. I never see your face in the day time. Do you dislike my buffet of pussy meat? Because your dick looks like it got warped from staying out in the sun too long." Straight up. Be honest. Communicate. Listen to what the fuck each of you has to say.

Too many times a lack of communication and assumption ruins relationships. Especially ones where no REAL issues were even present. I mean, if what your pussy and cock looks like is consider a huge issue, then y'all motherfuckers need help.

Pussy is pussy and dick is dick. It's how you find a work-around that will make things better.

Embrace what your dude is packing. Sure it looks like a slinky going down a flight of stairs, embrace that shit so the next time you suck his cock, pretend your mouth is on a roller coaster ride.

As for him when he goes down to eat you out...

Be creative. Put a Dutch Crunch loaf of bread by your thighs along with some lettuce, tomato, mustard and an assortment of cheeses so he can make himself a sandwich. I mean shit, you got enough meat to get off and feed a brother...am I right? He might be weirded the fuck out BUT tell me he won't remember that shit and embrace the fuck out of you?

Again, it could be way fucking worse.

You know shit is fucked up when you're so self conscious that you can't even fuck with the lights on and stare at a wall while getting fucked during the day.

They don't even do that in porns.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Life will come at you with curve balls. In your case, 4 extra pounds of beef jerky and a Nike swoosh for a penis.

Just do it.

Like the slogan.

Genius Out,

J-Wun





Friday, March 4, 2016

Big Trouble, In Little China



Thursday morning, 6am. I knew I shouldn't have drank Wednesday night. But see, when you have people who like to drink like I do, then ask if you want to go out for a drink, how the fuck are you going to say no?

Today's story isn't about the shit show that was Wednesday evening, rather, it's a story about what happened ON Thursday. In Chinatown. At my massage appointment. With my masseuse, we'll call her, Ming-Li.

I woke up on Thursday in a haze. I called into work "sick" because what transpired on Wednesday night was something out of J-Wunder's play book. All bad with nothing good coming out of it...not even a hook-up. Just booze, shit talking and A LOT OF TACO TRUCK. Oh, hey Ghetto Genius, if you're reading this, you're an asshole for not hanging out. Where was I???? Oh yeah, my massage.

So I get to Chinatown, still drunk and wait for my appointment to start. I get called up and walked to one of those rooms with the tranquil-ass music, candles and scent of strippers and Zen. I need this. I need something to kill this feeling of death because right now, I want to puke and shit my brains out. I strip down to nothing, wrap a towel around me and wait for my masseuse to arrive. Then enters Ming-Li.

Here stood 4 foot 2 inches of Asian. Feet looked like two bricks with the bottoms looking like they were dipped in broken glass. Hands looked like they went through 5 World Wars. Face was something you'd only see on Animal Planet. This was the woman that was suppose to take my stress, "self-inflicting flu" and pain away. To be honest, I was actually glad the broad wasn't smoking hot. Otherwise, I probably would have slipped her a five dollar bill and asked for a reach-around after.

And then the conversation begins:

ML: YOU. Lay down here. Face down now.

Me: Oh, I don't even get a handshake first? *failed joke*

ML: *blank stare* Don't waste time. Lay now.

Me: Alright, baby girl. Easy...E-Zeeeee.

ML: Where it hurt?

Me: EVERY.WHERE. Do what you Asians do, Ling-Ling.

ML: It's Ming-Li!!! So you want full body special?

Me: YEEEEESSSSS!

Now, what one would expect, would be getting rubbed down from head to toe. Not with this crazy ass Asian lady. Hell no! What this woman did surprised the shit out of me...mainly because I was super hungover.

As I'm lying face down, with my eyes closed trying not to puke and shit myself, I suddenly feel like a gorilla jumped on my back and was ready to put the beat down on me. I turn the fuck around and what do I see? Motherfucking Ming-Li, standing on my shit like she's representing China on the balance beam at the goddamn Olympics. This is the truth people.

Me: What the fuck are you doing, Jackie Chan?

ML: Ming-Li I say! Full body special. Make you feel goooooooood. Head down.

I put my head down and all I can think to myself was, "This bitch better not try some freaky shit. My days of hooking up with ugly massage therapists just to get it for free are OVER." Ming-Li starts whatever the fuck she's doing and within seconds, I was digging what the fuck she was doing. People, I don't know if you ever had an Asian midget massage you while they were standing on your back and if you haven't, you better get on that shit ASAP. I've never in my life felt something so exhilarating yet, relaxing. It was like this bitch was doing the River Dance (but to Chinese techno music) and just fucking me up in ways that loosened up every inch of my body.

Don't get me wrong though, this broad's feet were tougher than sandpaper and brillo pads put together, but for fucks sake, how feet like that made me feel so good was anybody's guess. Then it all turned for the worse 20 minutes in...

Relaxed and feeling my Chi in this motherfucking place, I began to get the hangover sweats. Like, really bad. Dripping with every ounce of what I drank the night before, I stop Ming-Li and ask her if she can give me some water. I take two drinks, lay my face back down and start to become ok again. I start to breathe really slow and start to count backwards from 100 because what I think is about to happen next, probably won't be good at this goddamn moment in time. Ming-Li is fucking me up like a boss and I'm enjoying every second of it...well, that was until she did some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu shit that made this moment one I'll never forget.

As I was right fucking there shaking my hangover sweats off, this bitch takes both my arms (as if she was about to crucify me), then jams her heels in my mid back. As she's doing this, she's saying, "Ok, this the fun part." Fun part my ass, people. What happens next, I'll never be invited back to this place ever again...

Ming-Li goes to town on me in this position while her feet move from my neck, down to my tail bone and back up. While this is happening, my stomach is beginning to speak and it was at that moment, I knew I had to focus on breathing and talk myself into not puking or shitting myself. For 27 seconds it worked, then the pre-puke saliva came coming...

This crazy bitch says some shit in Chinese, repositions my arms, pulls me up from behind like that scene from Titantic, digs her heels right above my ass cheeks and then all fucking HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I PUKED AND LET IT FLY.

THEN I SHIT MYSELF. LIKE, A SHART THAT TURNED INTO A SHIT, SHIT.

The pressure on my body was too much. Puke was coming out like that scene from the Exorcist. Shit was coming out of me like that scene in Bridemaids where Melissa McCarthy is shitting in the sink and her butthole was creating lava. I'm trying to tell Ming-Li to stop but this bitch has me in such an awkward position that I can't even talk. Puke is just flying out as well as all the shit I drank and tacos and hot sauce I consumed on the late night. Don't even get me started about me shitting myself in the towel I'm wrapped in. This was like a Quentin Tarantino movie gone wrong, but oh so right. It was like I couldn't stop. It was like Ming-Li was actually cleansing me of my demons. It was like she was giving me an Asian private exorcism her damn self.

Ming-Li finally stops, jumps off and then stops screaming at me in Chinese as tears are running down my face, puke is splattered on the floor and walls and shit is pretty much running down my leg and ball sack. Side note: Definitely had too much hot sauce the night before. But I digress.

Me: Fuck. Why? Why did you do that, Ming-Li? Who the fuck massages someone like that? You're evil. Sooooo evil. *tears still running down face*

ML: Ching, chang, bo-luk, sing lai cho. (not sure what the fuck any of this means but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "You're a dead man and now the Triads will be on the hunt to kill you and your family, monkey mouth bitch."

I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else to say. That said, I did what any other person would have done in my situation...

I rolled the fuck off the table, grabbed my clothes, threw a hundred dollar bill at this bitch and darted towards the door, still wrapped in a shit covered white towel that I could have given zero fucks about. The worst part was that as I was speed walking, what I left behind me was a trail of dookie and size 11 footprints.

Lightheaded, ashamed and pathetic I head into an alley to gather my thoughts and figure out what the fuck just happened. I take my towel off and use the clean parts to wipe whatever poo is still on my body. At this point, I don't even care if I get it all off since I drove here. I put my clothes on and have a seat on the curb to calm my nerves. It was then that some little ass Asian dude walks towards me with a dead fucking chicken in his hands and says, "You look like you had long night. I sell you this chicken for five dolla. It's good luck chicken. Get you pretty girl." It was then and only then I could only laugh about what just happened. I look at this cat, hand him a ten dollar bill, he hands me the dead chicken, I get in my car and take off.

Once I got home, my roommate looked at me and said, "What in God's fucking name happened to you and why the FUCK are you holding a dead fucking chicken?!"

My reply: "Life choices and bad decisions, bruh. Life choices and bad fucking decisions."





Thursday, March 3, 2016

Advice Column: Ummm...That's Not Like Athlete's Foot



Dear Ghetto Genius,

I can't believe I'm writing to you about this but who better to answer my question than the man who tells it like it is! Huge fan and thank you for the constant laughs. You make my day literally every day. I can't even sometimes. So to my question or should I even say problem...

So I was recently in Vegas last weekend and met this hot guy. We had drinks, hung out all night and ended up doing it in the bathroom. As you can probably imagine, the bathroom was probably not the best place to have unprotected sex for the first time but it is what it is. 

Any way, a few days after our little sexcapade (thanks for the word, btw), I felt something weird when I went to go pee and ended up with some gnarly rash. 

I have no idea what to do and think it's because we were in an unsanitary bathroom. I'm not saying you've had my symptoms from fucking tons of chicks in bathrooms, but if you have, is this what you experienced. 

I have a doctor's appointment next week and told the nurse I think it's like some sort of athlete's foot. 

Please don't think less of me but give it to me straight since you're cool like that. 

You're the best,
What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me



Dear What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me,

You got that fucking right! And for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

You were in Vegas, met a guy, fucked him in a bathroom, then a few days later, shot flames out of your vagina and also got a rash...and you think it was because you fucked in an unsanitary bathroom???

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE!

DID YOU JUST TURN 21?

Did you fail Sex Ed?

Are you fucking retarded or deaf?

This is a joke, right? Where is Ashton Kutcher because I think I've just been Punk'd.

Lord, for someone who grew up Catholic but has failed to go to church the last 15+ years, please pray for this fucking girl because she needs Jesus. As much Jesus as she can get. Amen.

Sorry to break this to you, sweet heart, but in no way, shape or form does your bitch ass have any kind of athlete's foot. Shit, you don't even have a form of a staph infection.

What you have Whorey Holly, is a motherfucking STD. You heard that right.

S-T-D.

SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED

DISEASE

VAGINA CHEESE

A HUMAN FLAMETHROWER

A FIREY PIT OF HELL

AN EXPIRED GHOST PEPPER

And of all places of contracting it...it was in motherfucking LAS VEGAS! Hahaha! Are you shitting me right now, people?!

Here's the other kicker, not only were you in Vegas BUT, you were probably there during the Syphilis outbreak going on right now.

Don't believe me? Check it here:

Syphilis Outbreak Plaguing Vegas

Now, I don't know how to say this but, you have got to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on this planet to think you got those symptoms from boning in a bathroom. Unless a bunch of naked and filthy homeless people had an orgy in that same bathroom, 5 minutes prior to you and hot guy going in there, and those same homeless people being butt ass naked blowing loads everywhere, beyond the eye can see, then rubbing their feet, anuses and every body part on every inch of that stall, then MAYBE I'd say, "Ok, maybe that's why." But guess what? It ain't. You fucked a dude who currently has something and did his good deed in passing it on to you. Was it a dick move on his part if that is the case? Absolutely. However, are you the total dumbfuck to actually bang a dude who you've known for 1 hour and 3 minutes because he was hot and bought you a $27 cosmo? I'm pretty sure that is a YES. Oh, and to dig a little more into that wound you're bleeding so much out of, were you dumb as shit to fuck him in a bathroom and let him go raw dog on you? Survey says...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

Let's not get it twisted, I'm a sucker for going raw dog. It's how I roll. On the same token, at least I pick and choose who I want to go raw dog with. Now, a majority of women would at least say something...anything...to the extent before fucking a guy. For example:

1) Do you have a condom?
2) Are you seeing anyone?
3) Are you clean?
4) Do you have a condom?
5) Are you clean?
6) Wanna grab a pizza later?
7) Do you have a condom?
8) Are you clean?

See where this is going?

But let me guess...you were "in the moment". Or ,"I wasn't expecting it to be like this". Better yet..."I was drunk...I wasn't all there when it all happened so fast." Am I getting hotter like the pee you're slanging out of your vagina?

I, my friend, have done my very fair share of fucking random broads in Vegas. How-the-fuck-ever, every time I did, with exception to this one time (because I was drunk and she claimed she was a Mormon...stop judging), I ALWAYS used a condom. Better yet, these chicks I banged, all had one in their purse like it was a goddamn breath mint. Whores. BUT, very smart and safe whores.

Form of athlete's foot? Bitch, this wasn't like you were on your dorm floor heading to the showers one day and while you were in there, realized you forgot your fucking shower shoes and actually got athlete's foot or some sort of fucked up fungus growing on one of your limbs. Nice try though. SMH.

There are no words of advice other than, you need to stop watching the fucking Kardashians and open up a book once in a goddamn while. Go see your doctor, have them prescribe you some meds so you stop having to pee in open areas so you don't burn anything down. Oh, I would also suggest, if you have that hot guy's number, to make sure he knows what he gave you. I'm pretty sure he knows but it's always nice to remind greedy ass dudes who just care about the pussy. Lastly, go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of condoms and anything that a gun can't even penetrate through. It is your kind that is fucking up our universe because you want to do adult things but are too stupid to know what the fuck to do when you get hit with adult consequences.

Take care of your flamethrower and chill out on the dick for awhile. I don't know what it is to have a rash, whatever the fuck else and shoot stars out of your vagina...but I'm sure it ain't comfortable one bit.

Good luck and remember to consult an adult when trying to make adult decisions.

I'm out,

J-Wun