Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Dear Ghetto Genius,
Ok. So my therapist told me to not really deal w any sort of relationship of a serious nature. I'm pretty compliant as nothing I do works so since she is a professional I follow her directions.
But. I started to see this guy not exclusively. Just dinner drinks....after like 3 drinks in.....sex. Ok. Not 3. I'm buzzed by then and drunk by 6 ish. I know. I know. Look. I feel as if I'm having a brief Britney Spears moment. Yes we are sober when we meet up usually. You know and all is well. No feelings nothing. He moves to DC for a job and that is that.
And I'm fine. So he comes back this week for work here and wants to grab lunch catch up what have you. I agree. So I meet him at the hotel and well you know.
I realize quickly we have not ever had sober sex. Ever. And we never will again. I swear to god. Worst. Ever. It's totally not how I remember drunk sex and I immediately am turned off by the speech impediment he has that I never ever noticed. So I don't know, he tries to go into freak mode and starts screaming my name. But, due to his speech impediment it doesn't sound like my name. It sounds like Denny not Dani. I'm totally thrown and stop him and say "what did you call me, that's not my name." Not to mention lady Boner gone. He stops. Goes into the bathroom. Won't say anything. I get dressed. He comes out NAKED and proceeds to tell me "you know, I was starting to fall in love with you."
And to quote you the words "WAIT...WHAT??!!!" Flew out of my mouth. Long ass story short I left. Grabbed some complimentary pretzels and hung my head in shame.
This isn't the first. Or the second time. This shit seems to happen to me on the reg. sex no sex date no date. I swear to god. I have to write a book.
So professional advice, where do I start?
What say you Mr. W???
Dear Chick Whose Name Isn't Denny But Dani,
First of all, you don't need to write shit. That should be the least of your fucking worries.
You my friend are either lost in outer fucking space or delusional to the point that when you want to be in the moment, you are and when you don't want to, you aren't.
I read your email at work yesterday. Got home, ate some fried chicken. Drank some American Honey. Watched a little PornHub. Jerked off. Read your email before bed. Got on the BART train this morning. Read it again. Got to work. Read it yet AGAIN. And here I am finally writing you after reading your shit about four fucking times.
Now, I'm no Dr. Drew or some special therapist so what I'm about to tell you, either take it for what it is and follow it, OR ignore it and waste more money on someone who you obviously don't listen to and become the future cat lady of cat ladies. Shall we?
FACT: YOU ARE A HOT MESS.
But before you keep that "Fuck you asshole...I'm never writing you again" look on your face for this whole column, just hear me out. I mean, if you came to me and pretty much said without saying, "fuck whatever my shrink told me," then I know you will listen. Please bare with me and the thunder I'm about to lay down on your ass.
Sweet tits, how does one individual who meets someone with a goddamn speech impediment, SOBER of all things, not know he had one until they end up screwing each other sober? I don't care how many fucking drinks you had while fucking another person wasted. Bottom line, if some person talks all fucked up, don't you think for a goddamn second that when they are as wasted as you are, they are going to sound even more fucked up? I'm talking about some serious shit that you see on those telethons where kids are all fucked up and when they talk you have no idea what the fuck they are saying but you nod a mile a minute and donate a dollar because that's the right thing to do. Yeah, that kind of shit.
The situation in itself is messed up. The moment was ruined when you thought this motherfucker was saying Denny when your name is Dani but he was really saying Thanny which is even worse because to me, I would think dude was calling you Fanny which I believe is a term used by motherfuckers in Europe.
A buddy of mine was dating some broad back at Cal Poly who was kinda like the dude you were fucking. Sex was great. Chick was super cool. Only problem? She had a super fucked up lisp. It was so bad, it would have been better off if she had a stuttering problem. I swear, the more this bitch drank, the more I couldn't understand what the fuck she was saying. ALL NIGHT LONG. One evening, I put my ear up to my buddies door while he was banging her, and as he was pounding her from what sounded like the doggy style position, I hear her say, "Oh my Godth...your thick ith tho big!!! Pull it out tho I can thuck your dick. THIT babe!!!" It was at that point I lost my marbles and laughed so hard I literally pissed myself a little and told my other buddies to come and take a listen. Now, as fucked up as her speech might have been at times, my buddy didn't care. Why? Because she was a cool chick and she fucked like a champ. One day, I asked him, "Bro, how do you not get turned off when your girl starts talking when you're fucking her?" His response, "I just block it out man...all Zen-like and shit. Or wear ear plugs when it's dark." I would say you should do the same but the reality is, a majority of women would rather walk away than deal with some fucked up shit like that.
I get that you got turned off because instead of you screaming, he was screaming. Specifically screaming your name which, to you, sounded like another name when in fact, it was your name just all covered up with more vowels, extra spit and an uncontrollable tongue because dude talks like a 6 month old baby. The worst part of all, this dude confessed his love for you. Which in turn, made you say, "WTF?! I'm out of this goddamn place" with the quickness.
Here's the part I'm questioning. How serious were you two for this guy to fall in love with you? Now, people these days are fucking crazy so if he fell in love with you because he's a needy motherfucker, then that's on him and you need to run as fast and as far the fuck away as possible. Hell, just file for a restraining order now! But if he fell in love with you because your pussy is absolutely gold, then kudos to you, my friend. How-the-fuck-ever, you did mention you were seeing this guy, but not exclusively...whatever the fuck that means since that term is used so loosely these days that motherfuckers use it as a safe word.
I will tell you right now, after further review, you need to wake the fuck up. Here's why.
If you are fucking someone and aren't fucking anyone else, even though you have absolutely NO attachments to that person, then you are in a weird sense, for lack of a better term, "dating them." How is that possible? Well, if you were seeing or sleeping with multiple people, you would not have written me asking for help on why this happens to you with men. Especially dudes like this. A woman seeing said multiple dudes, would just brush this shit off and see what guy #2 or #3 have to offer and go from there.
You took it to the point where you felt comfortable and in your head thought, "This works. I'm happy because nothing serious is going on and I can come and go as I please and plus, I AM LISTENING TO MY THERAPIST!!!" Yay me!
You flat out admitted this happens to you on the regular. Now why is that you think? If you knew, you wouldn't be in this situation multiple times, right? So here are my two cents:
You look for the wrong fucking guys. You are attracted to men who give you what YOU want and not what you want to give them. Why do you think you freaked the fuck out?! Chicks along with men who have bad luck with the opposite sex are either:
2) Want attention.
3) Will settle for ANYTHING.
4) Attracted to the same type of sorry ass motherfuckers, no matter what they say or think.
Question: How does one person fall into the same situation every single fucking time?
Answer: They are fucking stupid.
It's not because of the person they are dating is bad or doing something wrong (sometimes). It's YOU, motherfucker. You keep looking for the same shit in hopes that the course will change instead of looking for the change that you want. You're not going to pull your pants up before wiping your ass, are you? Then why the fuck would you look for the same type of person and expect a different result? You may think the guys you are dating or fucking are different. The only thing different about them is the way they dick you down and type of cocktail they drink. Other than that, it's the same shit you've looked for. ALL DAY, EEEERRRRRDAY!
Are you following what the fuck I'm saying? Any of this making sense?
Are you broken?
You're only broken if you don't wake the fuck up.
I've been rambling for too long. I need a goddamn drink.
BTW - do yourself a favor...fire your therapist and ask for a refund. Bitch obviously isn't being real with you.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Christmas Night 1998.
Since 1997, my buddies and I decided to make it a tradition that every Christmas night, they would all cruise to my house and we would all hangout in my parents garage, drink our faces off, catch up on the sluts in our lives, talk about the good times and just enjoy another year that was.
For the second year in a row, the same 4 guys cruise over to my pad and the festivities begin.
Since the guys I hung out with were like me and didn't drink until college, we do Christmas evening up right and go with White Russians as our drink of choice. Why White Russians? I have no fucking idea. Maybe because they were sweet, tasted like coffee and mind fucked us into thinking we weren't going to get wasted too fast. Who fucking knows. All I know is that we had the biggest bottle of Popov five guys and two chicks would enjoy along with some Kahlua and milk.
Drink after drink, after fucking drink...we were putting shit back like it was nobody's business. One would think for as much as four 18-19 year old kids were consuming (in the time they were doing it in), they'd be all over the fucking place...puking, passing out and shitting themselves. Ok, fast forward to about hour number five when it all started to go downhill:
1) One buddy started walking around like a baby giraffe in heels spouting off some shit like he was getting his dick sucked like Bill Clinton. Motherfucker made no sense and til this day, no one knows what the fuck he was doing. Even himself.
2) Another buddy kept saying, "Whenever I'm on fire, I STOP. DROP. AND RRRRROOOOLLLL!!!" This motherfucker did it over and over and over again. By the time he got his ass up, he was covered in motor oil and had no fucks to give.
3) The drunkest buddy was an absolute goddamn mess. Dude was white girl wasted. I'm talking puking from one end of my parents driveway to the other. Crying because he his whore ass girlfriend was fucking a high school sophomore who I think actually had a bigger dick than him. No one has confirmed this but I'm almost certain we saw him shit his pants as he just said "fuck it" and pissed himself too.
4) This guy was making out with my sisters best friend. Big ass black dude. Mouth fucking and titty grabbing a white girl who was innocent as Mary fucking Poppins. Well, so I thought...
5) Then there was me. Drunk as fuck. Could barely see. Telling everyone I loved them like family. I was so fucked up that I started to smoke my dad's cigarettes like a fucking chimney. And it was at that point when the night went from wasted, to an accident almost gone terribly wrong...
Remember how I was talking about my black buddy. Yeah, he's 6'6" and like my brother. He was making out with my sisters homegirl and those two were so drunk they really didn't care if we were watching. But like any group of friends, we didn't care and let these kids be. That was until they took making out one step further...
Drunk as shit, confused as fuck and out of sorts like Charlie Sheen on a 10 day coke binge, myself along with three of my other buddies were sitting across one another laughing about absolutely nothing trying not to wake up my parents, while trying to stay composed. It was then and only then that all four of us turn to my buddy and my sister's friend and we see him do what we never thought we'd see him do...at least in front of us.
He pulls down his pants and as he lowers his tapered ass jeans down to his knees, all you see is this little white milky hand reach into his boxers and pull out what seemed like the biggest dick any 18 year old should not own. At least not at that fucking age. FUCK NO! Not to sound all gay and shit but guys...my boy was packing some goddamn heat. Dude had a lead pipe so big, I was thinking about taking my dad's shopvac and trying to suck that shit up and kill it. It didn't look real. It looked like all those big ass black dicks you saw in old school porn films where you thought they did some type of magical film editing to make it look real when it really wasn't. This was something you thought was Godzilla's arch nemesis. 18 years old and dude was walking around with three fucking legs.
Myself along with my three other buddies faces automatically dropped. I went into immediate depression as I looked into my pants and told God I hated him and my father for giving me the "average penis" and why did the black guy have to have a penis that looked like 10 of mine. It was like my sister's friend was holding a black Louisville Slugger and she wanted us to throw her a ball.
Trying to not choke, I grab another one of my pop's smokes and light it. That's when all bets were off. Ignoring everyone that was in the room, these two start making out again and while they are doing that, she takes both hands and starts to jerk him off...dudes wang was so big she could have used two more hands to cover his shit up. Straight up.
As she's jerking him off and he's making out with her, my buddies and I get out of our chairs and begin to approach them. It was like we were going to see the Mona Lisa up close for the first time.
Right as we are about three feet away from them, my buddies and I start talking about his dick like it was some sort of mysterious fossil we just found. While we're chatting, Mary Poppins is over there tugging on his dick like she was trying to put it in a rear naked choked and put it to sleep. It was at that moment as we turned around that the cigarette in my mouth flies out and is heading straight for my boy's airport tower. 360 after 360 after 360, we watched my cigarette slowly rotate towards his wang with the tip of the cigarette cherry fucking red and ready to burn anything that crossed it's path. It was possibly the longest 5 seconds I could ever imagine.
Then it happened...
Buddy: "FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!! What the fuck, bro!!"
White Girl: *screams like dudes dick caught on fire*
Me: "Damn bro, I'm sorry. It just flew out of my fucking mouth. You know, if your dick wasn't so goddamn big it would have missed. Dude, where did it hit you? Is it bleeding? What the fuck am I going to tell my parents if we gotta take you to the hospital man? I burned your cock with a fucking cigarette? They will beat the shit out of us and think we are doing some weird shit to one another."
We all take a step back and my buddy (still hard and all) grabs his dong to survey the damage. Sure enough, the cigarette doesn't burn his cock but, in fact, burns a spot about half an inch from his cock.
Buddy: "J, you got lucky bro. I was about to go crazy."
Me: "I'm not the motherfucker whipping his dick out in public about to fuck some white chick on top of my parents Oldsmobile. Asshole."
As he pulls up his pants and we clear the air, it's about 3am and my sister does her sisterly duty and drives all my drunk ass friends home.
Of course, he take home my black buddy and her friend last. I'm not really sure it's payback for what I did to him, but he did make it a point to get a blow job from her in the back seat on the ride home. And let's just say, she doesn't swallow.
Oh, and if you're wondering about that burn mark by his penis...there's a scar there and he makes it a point to remind me every fucking Christmas how he got it.
Happy fucking holidays y'all!
Monday, December 9, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
I know what you're all thinking, "The holiday season is the best, right, J-Wunder?!" While I agree with hearing sleigh-bells ringing, freshly fallen snow, roasting chestnuts on an open flame, the look of joy on a kid's face when opening presents, etc., etc. I want to talk about the things we all endure during the holidays in order to experience those 1 or 2 moments of sheer happiness.
So in order to keep up with the holidays (how is Christmas a little over 2 weeks away?!?!), I am going to shed some light on a few of these things you have to withstand (and many of us ignore just how awful it is) over the holiday season.
SEEING EVERY ASSHOLE YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH AT THE BARS
You know exactly what I'm talking about... you land at the airport or arrive after a long ass drive, spend a good 2 hours catching up with mom, and then you're like, "I need a fucking drink. STAT." So what do you do? You call your old high school buddies, and hit the local bar. And then the madness ensues. In order to appropriately paint this picture for you, I'm going to share a story that many of you may be familiar with that I'm sure will have you nodding your head and preparing yourself for what is going to happen when you hit town.
For the Nth straight year, you will be back home for the holidays and spend the next few days running into every douchebag, dumb broad and unlikeable motherfucker you ever went to high school with.
The journey home the weekend before Christmas will bring you face-to-face with countless Monkey Mouth Bitches from your past, each of whom you will probably have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again...which makes it even more fucking awkward.
It's going be a dysfunctional high school reunion. All the fuck faces from years ago will make their presence felt. Every last one of them...just as shitty and fake as ever. Why do you put yourself through this fucking misery every goddamn year?
Although you might have full intentions on staying at home with mom, pops, grams, G-Smooth (yeah, gramps wants to be called that), and other fucked up family members, you will admit after spending plus or minus two hours with them, you WILL grow antsy, borrow Uncle Steve's RV, and drive to the local pub...where bitches be running wild and old timers are still wearing letterman jackets and trading high school football stories. You know for a fact you're going to bump into at least five miserable assholes in the first 30 seconds.
What's in store is that bully from back in the day will be there. Fat fuck. And probably that one chick with hippy parents who last you heard, was giving lap dances at the homeless shelter for 3 pound hams and turkey legs. Real talk.
During this time at the local watering hole, you will more than likely partake in awkward activities, that include making small talk with several slapdicks who used to make fun of your goofy ass during your high school days, and reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of which you were never a part of. While the consumption of alcohol will make the evening more tolerable, you are expected to leave this awful shithole dive after realizing you have absolutely nothing in common with these assholes as you did when you were a teenager.
You'll more than likely encounter that one fake bitch who will probably give you a hug like you just got done fucking in a Walmart bathroom, even though she thought you were the custodian's kid all throughout high school and didn't speak a word of English. Bring on the hugs, cunt. Bring 'em.
After leaving Shithole Magees, you will want to hit up another local asshole spot in town, where an even greater number of douchebags are expected to congregate in even higher densities and come in all forms. Good thing you have a good buzz going, right?
Fuck mouths such as the head cheerleader, the 4.8 GPA overachiever, the rich kid, the teacher's pet and the biggest cunt of all...the high school jock, should all make a nice surprise appearance.
All these bastards in attendance will look the same except for being 15 to 30 pounds heavier, and possibly sporting facial hair and really bad plastic surgery. However, that same old shit-eating grin will still be on all their faces. Surprised? Don't be.
If the last X amount of years are any fucking indication, assholes who live in the area will not be the only ones out the night before Christmas Eve. Like you who have moved elsewhere since graduating college, many high school alumni are expected to return back home from all across North America.
Mark my words that Mr. My Shit Don't Stink a.k.a. "Hey look at me with my small penis" is going to pop the fuck up and brag about his big time job as a doctor in Florida. I can already see it: 'Long days while saving peoples lives. The pay is really amazing though and I'm blessed...and rich.'
It's predicted that the attendance of so many douchebags will likely escalate to a brawl during last call, with a scuffle expected moments after the two most popular jocks in high school argue over who rushed for more TD's and had more yardage from scrimmage during senior year. Plan to avoid these scuffles but know that you will possibly have a beer bottle or two throw in the direction of your head and a slap to the face by some drunk bimbo trying to save her boyfriend from getting his ass kicked. Let's not forget the signature spilled drink all over the shirt you just purchased.
Nothing will make your night more than that one asshole who is notorious for talking a gang load of shit. The guy is two years older than all of you. He still thinks he's a hardcore gangster and he's fighting 15 year olds. Mind you, over the last decade, he's gotten his ass kicked. Once by a girl.
Although you dread such things happening, there is a flip side to these events...for instance, finding out which low life has or is having kids...
There's that one girl who is on her 4th kid now. Let's not forget to mention it's by a 3rd babies daddy. To think she wasn't a whore in high school. Oh wait...yeah she was. And apparently, still is.
You will be dreading this misled high school holiday reunion. Every motherfucker who is like you, who you were classmates with, are too.
Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers!!!!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
I need a little bit of advice on what to get my boyfriend for our anniversary (1 year, next week - so excited!). I've been asking my friends and family what they think, but the problem is that they don't approve of our relationship. My mom suggested that I just give him cash because that's what I've been doing since I had my unemployed boyfriend move into my condo that I pay the mortgage for. OUCH, right?! He has been complaining about how he has gained weight since we moved in together, but getting him a gym membership makes it sound like I have a problem with him putting on a few extra pounds, in reality I like it. I was then thinking since he also complains about his clothes not fitting, maybe I'd get him a gift card to The Gap or something, but that feels impersonal. Last problem is that we don't have that much in common and he is 8 years younger than me (I'm 30, he is 22) so I'm hoping that you can help me out with something all guys would like. He is really great, I promise!
Cougar in Seattle
Dear Cougar in Seattle,
My oh my, little lady. Grrrr...
You know what your little boy toy needs for your one year anniversary? A motherfucking JOB sweet thang. J-O-B. Fuck giving him clothes, money and all that other bullshit. Tell that lazy sack of shit to take a shower, get a haircut, shave, put on some pants that are the closest thing to slacks (because we all know recent college grads don't own "grown-up" clothes), a tie and go find his ass a goddamn job. What you can do on your part, is help him use the internet to find those jobs.
You're 30 fucking years old. Got a good ass job. Own a condo. Probably fine as hell too. Life is good right? Fuck no it ain't. You wanna know why? It's pretty simple...
You're dating a guy who thinks a degree is just graduating high school. Motherfucker has no motivation. He's bumming off of you. Eats for free. Lives for free. Has no inclination what a fucking utility bill is. Watches all the pay-per-view a 22 year old could ever dream of (this includes every porn channel). Doesn't clean. Doesn't cook. Jacks off on all your socks and hand towels. Gets awesome blow jobs on your couch while holding a Bud Light, watching SportsCenter and stroking your hair three times a week. Has sex with you on your bed, in your kitchen...even in the laundry room. He eats. He sleeps. He shits. He has sex. He's living the fucking dream. All on your goddamn dime.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!
Congrats that you've been dating a free loading soon-to-be-fat guy for almost a year. Seriously. Congrats on finding a man that has a girlfriend for a mom. But is hotter. With bigger and nicer tits. And gives great blow jobs. This is a match made in heaven. Just think...by June when you are almost broke and you guys go on that glamorous Hawaiian vacation you refinanced your condo for, he will be 300 pounds, still jobless and asking you for $20 so he can go play at the fucking arcade. Awesome.
C'mon you hot piece of ass...snap the fuck out of it! You know if you stay with this guy any longer what could happen?
1) He'll keep living off you for free.
2) He'll get fatter. He's obviously on his way.
3) He'll start demanding more shit which means more work for you, less work for him.
4) You'll start fucking less, sucking dick more.
5) You'll be broke.
22 years old and is living the dream. Think about that. When you were 22, what were you doing? That's right, working motherfucker. Trying to make it to the top so you didn't have to worry about someone else supporting you. Why you're with him, I have no clue. But if I were to guess, a 30 year old like yourself dating a man 8 years younger only means one thing. This dude has a cock the size of a goddamn bull. I'm talking Seabiscuit status, right? He must lay his pipe down on you in ways that make you speak Chinese Ebonics. I'm a guy and I know when chicks date dudes for their big ass dong and nothing else.
So if that's the case, remember this. His cock is good for a limited time only. And while you do your thing and he gets fatter, the farther his stomach expands, the less cock you get to experience. Let me ask you a question:
You ever give a fat dude a blow job? Have you ever fucked a fat fucker? You are messing with a man who is about to get some Dicdu. It's a term you should never want your man to have and he's on his way.
So what should you get him for your anniversary? Fuck him til his face turns blue then tell him to take a hike.