Friday, August 11, 2017

15 NYC Roommate Horror Stories That'll Make You Want To Live Alone Forever

Comedy Central

1. The freeloader:

"I was living in a five-person studio when one night I woke up to a random person opening the door to my shack and climbing into my bed like it was empty. I tripped over the guy to get outside, and found my flatmates with their buddies — they'd gotten drunk, found a homeless guy, and thought it'd be funny to bring him back. They lost track of him and he just climbed in bed with me. I couldn't get out of that apartment fast enough!"
—Torey M., Facebook

2. The vomit venture:

"I moved to Brooklyn with two girls I'd met on Facebook. A few weeks in, I awoke to our doorbell at 1 a.m., then heard footsteps, then a SPLASH. When I opened my bedroom door, my roommate was literally spewing vomit all over the hallway, my door, even my toes. She had a group of people over who were walking through the vomit, tracking it all over our apartment. Luckily, my other roommate charged downstairs to make everyone leave, but I was stuck bleaching and cleaning up until 3:45 in the morning."
—Anna Kopsky

Apatow Productions

3. The full package:

"I'm a girl, and I used to live with three guys in Brooklyn — one of whom would watch porn in our living room in broad daylight and jack off to it. One time, he came home at 3 a.m., screaming, 'BURN THE WITCH!' repeatedly out the window to his girlfriend. He also was in jail at one point for heroin possession, and actively did shrooms and other psychedelics. But that's not the worst part: He also set up a hidden camera in our bathroom to watch me. We called the police and kicked him out after that."

4. The butterfly:

"My roommate and I were texting about my dog on my way home from work late one night. When I got home, we started talking through his door. I knocked on his door to thank him, and when he said, 'Yeah?' which I took to mean, 'Come on in.' I opened the door to him on his bed, in butterfly position, with no pants on. Then, he slowly closed his laptop. He was masturbating. I made eye contact with my roommate while he was masturbating."


5. The intimidator:

"Soon after I moved in with my new roommate, she'd wait for me to come home, asking where I'd been. She told me that she wished there were a realistic Hunger Games theme park, where she 'could actually kill people.' She also told me a story about how at some college in China, a student was made fun of by his roommate. As a chemistry major, he had access to a variety of chemicals in the lab and ended up poisoning his roommate. After telling this horrible story, she told me that that was why one should 'never mess with their roommate.' I was VERY cautious around her."

6. The pukey pal:

"I ended up living with a girl who insisted that she didn't speak any English, even though I saw all of her homework written in English, so we could never work anything out. Also one weekend I went to visit my family, and when I came back I found one of her friends asleep in my bed, and she'd puked all over my brand new sheets."
—Viv Jean, Facebook


7. The dog debacle:

"I found a roommate on Craigslist, and she seemed sane. Then one day, after brunch, she pulled me outside to scold me for not doing HER dishes, because 'she worked more hours than me.' She continued by explaining how she didn't really NEED a roommate, and that she just chose me so her dog would have company. It compounded exponentially from there, and later on she accused me of killing her dog, which died about four or five months after I left."
—Jen Anne Gillette, Facebook

8. The sponge situation:

"I once realized my roommate was using the bathroom toilet and shower sponge to clean some dishes. When I told him it was for cleaning the toilet, he just shrugged and kept going. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night rewashing them. Disgusting."


9. The case of the cat:

"I once had a fantastic roommate who had to move out suddenly. Unfortunately for me, the girl who moved in after him was awful and barely paid attention to her surroundings. One night, she left the window open, my cat got out, and when the cat returned, it was pregnant. I was furious."

10. The pig party:

"One morning I came back to my apartment at 7 a.m., and there were five shirtless dudes I'd never seen before, passed out in my living room. To top it off, an actual teacup pig (that I'd also never seen before) came running around the corner — and then started eating out of an ashtray. They all belonged to my roommate."

Universal Studios

11. The satanic sweatshirt:

"My roommate was a college student I met on Craigslist. One day she had this sweater hanging up to dry in our living room. I told her how cute it was, and she gave me a deadly serious look. 'Um, thanks, I might throw it out though. I think it's possessed by the devil.' I asked why she thought that, and she said, 'The woman I bought it from told me.' AND YOU STILL BOUGHT IT AND BROUGHT IT INTO OUR HOME? OKAY."

12. The Dave drama:

"In July 2009, my friend and I moved to Manhattan Valley. We did a Craigslist search to fill our last room, and found Dave. Things were fine for three weeks, and he'd been doing some freelance carpentry work with our landlord on our building. One day, we realized we hadn't seen Dave for some time, and his door was ajar. We peeked in, and all of his stuff was still there, with a note on his bedside table. He wrote that our landlord was 'an awful person and we should avoid him at all costs.' He apologized for leaving in the middle of the night, stated he never actually paid his share of the first month's rent and security, but left all of his stuff and told us to 'sell it to cover his share.'"
—Allie Amanda, Facebook


13. The comb confrontation:

"I lived with a girl I met on Craigslist. One night I asked if she borrowed my comb, and she got up in my face, screaming about how if I said one more word to her she'd kill me, then hunt down my family, and 'baptize herself in their blood.' She continued to yell various other threats through my closed door. I moved out."

14. The terrible towel tale:

"I came home one morning at 7 a.m. to get ready for work. There was a towel in the bathtub that was still kind of wet and had sand all over it, so I rung it out and hung it over our patio balcony. I didn't think too much about it until I later asked my roommate if she had fun at the beach. Confused, she replied, 'I didn't go to the beach. My girlfriend and I tried cocaine and threw up in the bathtub last night."


15. And the water bottle war:

"One of my roommates in the city was from Egypt, studying and acting in NYC. She was strange from the start, but the strangest thing was that she kept always two or three water bottles in the bathroom beside the toilet with the squeeze top, and I never asked why they were there, but one day she randomly said to me, 'If you're wondering what those water bottles are for, it's just... how I clean myself after I poop.'"

via - BuzzFeed

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Don't Fuck With The "Wolfman"

Out of all the houses to break into, these two burglars made the worst choice possible. The pair of thieves are Garfield Morgan, 54, and his 36 year old buddy Kim Gorton. While both are life-long burglars, their careers ended on the worst note possible. Usually you want to exit the game with a big score. Unfortunately the “big score” they encountered was not what they had in mind.

Harry Harrington stands 6’7″ and weighs over 300lbs. These are not 300 pounds of couch potato. This is pure muscle throughout, and no doubt quite a large package between the legs. You see, Harry is also a notorious homosexual sex predator, with a long record for assaults on gays. Being such an aggressive and predatory sex assaulter, with an enormous build, this is one dude you don’t want to cross. But these two guys not only crossed him, but broke into his house!

Known also as “The Wolfman”, Harrington man-handled the men with ease. He proceeded to tie them up, then did what he does – assaulted them for five days straight!

The cries for help were so overwhelming, that a neighbor eventually heard the men and called police.

The men were completely filled with trauma and pain. The ordeal they went through must have been unthinkable. Though many commentators believe they got what was coming to them, and then some.

It’s hard to believe that some think that five days of being raped by a guy called “The Wolfman” is really justified for thieving. On top of that the men will be doing more time inside. Harrington is also headed back inside as well for his assault.

via- SomeDaily

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

What The Fuck Were You Thinking When You Got Dressed This Morning: RompHims

"It's fashion, look it up."

- Random Dude

"The ‘Male Romper’ Is Offensive Because Rompers Should Be Gender-Neutral"

- HuffPo

Man, y'all need to STFU. Thankfully, the meow meow of the RompHim has died down, but I have been following this trend and became somewhat obsessed with the memes because of how silly this shit is. And I love silly shit. For reals. This was a few days of pure fucking comedy gold. But seriously, dudes need to leave their girl's rompers on the floors and at the racks of Target, where they belong. 

If you are going to call me a sexist, hater, or what the fuck ever your candy ass wants to call me, go for it. I don't give a fuck. But let me tell you what most non-millennial-bunny-hugging-everyone-gets-a-trophy-did-you-just-assume-my-gender people think about the RompHim.


I am ALL for breaking the glass ceiling and challenging gender norms and stereotypes. Girls want to work in male dominated industries? DO THAT SHIT. Little boys want to play with dolls? Fuck, yes. I will buy you the prettiest Barbie in the goddamn bunch. Do my 30 somethings (and up) remember in the 90's when there was a runway show and some super hot male model was wearing a leather skirt and a mesh top? That shit made me tingle in the bathing suit area. And do I need to say anymore about gender-fluid Ruby Rose? I didn't think so. Take a fucking seat.

But a Male Romper, AKA RompHim? Pass me my bag of nopes because imma need all of them shits today. The RompHim being 10lbs of "fuck no" in a 5lb bag is just that for one very simple reason:

Kibbles and Bits.

I will take, "What are things I do not want to see hanging out of your shorts, for a 1000, Alex."

No, good sir, I do not want to see your saggy ass, turkey gobble, hanging out from your floral RompHim. I just fucking don't. I don't want to see it in your house, I do not want see it with a mouse. I do not want see your sack, I do not want to see your crack. I do not want to see your junk, nor will it make me want to swallow your spunk.

For me, and most of my fellow ladies (and probably lots of men, too, because equality motherfuckers), it is about aesthetics. And TBH, your biscuits and baby-gravy-maker are NOT that good looking. Don't get me wrong. I love the cock. Love it. Love a good looking cock and appreciate all the joy that a fuckstick can bring. But, not all cocks are pretty - some look like someone smashed their man-meat with a meat tenderizer and then used a band-aid of hot coals and broken glass to attend to the wounds. And those would be the first fuckers rocking a RompHim, twigs and berries just flapping in the breeze. Yeah...NO. 

Now, imagine if girls started walking around with their Mud Flaps hanging out, looking like Dumbo's ears when he learns to wanna see that shit? Cus I don't. And sit down, you pussy pervs who do. I know one of you sick fucks does want to see that, but you are the exception, not the rule. Samesies when it comes to beanbags hanging out of RompHims. Ya dig?

I am glad to see, that much like my virginity in high school, this was a fleeting trend. I hope to God I don't see dudes wearing the equivalent of high-waisted shorts for girls, because just like I want to do when I see that shit, imma hand you some Vagisil for your hot-pocket, because you are one more muggy day away from getting coochie cheese all over your shorty-shorts. 



Wednesday, December 7, 2016

20 Passengers Who Went Above And Beyond To Make Your Flight Unbearable

1. Could you not air your socks out on the food tray, sir?

2. “Sometimes you just gotta let it all hang out…”

3. This makes me uncomfortable.

4. Umm… WHAT?!

5. At least it’s in a pouch…

6. No, no, no, no, NO!!!

7. How can that possibly be comfortable?!

8. Meanwhile, in the emergency exit aisle…

9. You poor plebeians with no leg room, please pardon me while I stretch out a bit.

10. S…s…s…STOP!!

11. What could possibly compel any civilized being to do such a thing?!

12. You have GOT to be kidding me!

13. Isn’t there some sort of weight restriction on this plane?

14. Do you mind?

15. Re-evaluate your choices.

16. I would hate to be the poor soul sitting in front of this supremely inconsiderate person.

passengershaming / Via

17. Just your typical airplane contortionist.

19. Not impressed.

20. Well, I guess you’re prepared…

via - BuzzFeed