Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Line At Redbox




Having to deal with hundreds of bitter assholes at the grocery store at 5:30pm any day of the week is one thing, but having to deal with the goddamn dip shits in the Redbox movie rental line, is a whole new fucking ballgame.

Tell me something, how fucking hard is it to rent a fucking movie from a machine that is less technical savvy than a goddamn ATM machine? I'm not joking people. Does this look like a motherfucking game to you? For reals. The concept is fairly fucking simple, y'all. For the slap dicks out there, all you need to do is pick the movie you like via touchscreen (all movies are listed by either category or alphabetical order). Then enter your motherfucking email address. Next you pay 1 whole fucking dollar. Last, you receive your goddamn movie so you can be on your merry fucking way.

Quick. Painless. Easy.

How is it though, when the guy in front of me finally goes to pick his movie, 7 other fucking family members show up? Wife. 3 kids, ages 4 to 12 (ugly little shits, too). Good 'ol Grandma. Last but not least, cousin and her husband. No fucking lie. Literally, 8 motherfuckers now standing there, all debating on what movie to rent. How could this be? Am I being Punk'd or something? This shit is worse than going to Costco and watching that family of 10, eat up all the goddamn samples and crowd every fucking aisle in a warehouse full of merchandise and at the end of the day, don't buy a goddamn thing. Acting like this is Golden Corral and shit.

There I am still standing in line, knowing what the fuck I'M going to rent. 5 minutes has gone by. Now 10. These fucking people have mentioned everything from Toy Story 3 to Saw I, II and III to some shit you could definitely find on PornHub. Wait, what?! WTF?! I mean, how the hell do you go from little Charlie talking about a kids movie to your cousin in-law Mike, recommending a movie about a crazy fucking serial killer sawing off people's heads as a hobby? Motherfucker, are you looking for Grandma to shit her pants then die from a fucking heart attack you sick fuck? Let's not forget the fucking nightmares little Charlie will probably have until he's 18. That kid will piss himself more times than he'll have sex by the time he's 21.

Wait, what's this? Your wife wants everyone to do hand votes now? Motherfucker, this isn't a goddamn debate class. This isn't fucking Congress. This isn't heads up, 7-Up, Redbox Edition, bitch. How bout I raise my hand up your fucking ass? How does that sound, huh? All I'm saying is the time that it's taking you to decide on a movie, you motherfuckers better be adding to your queue every goddamn title that is brought up in conversation. I'm praying that you don't leave that fucking kiosk with nothing less than a shopping cart full of fucking movies at this point.  

20....I REPEAT...20 minutes of my life has been fucking wasted and now shit has resulted in a shouting match. These people aren't even searching for movie titles anymore. They are now arguing about movies that aren't even out on DVD. Straight Outta Compton? Fools, I'm about to get straight outta this line and beat you with a fresh baked baguette, motherfuckers. You fucking serious right now?  What the fuck just happened? Where the fuck am I? I'm so fucking hungry and I need to take a shit.

Goddamnit people, I just want to rent a goddamn fucking movie, go home, eat, take a big ass dump, drink some wine then have some sex before I go the fuck to bed. Instead, minutes of my fucking life are being taken away from me and I'll never get them back. At a fucking grocery store of all places.  For fuck's sake, just pick something before I get all "Die Hard" in this bitch.

30 minutes have now gone by and I'll never be able to get those minutes back. EVER. The Partridge family can't decide sugar from shit and decide to peace out. ALL leaving angry. Even that little shit, Charlie. But hey, what about me motherfuckers? You want to talk about angry? My sorry ass sat here for 30 goddamn minutes, listening to you fucks. Then debate if I should crack open a bottle of fucking wine, get shit faced and cause a scene. Now you want to leave after all that time empty handed? You couldn't have just assigned dad to picking the movie, could you?  Noooo...instead, you had to fucking vote on the whole damn family carpooling to Safeway to pick a movie.

Thanks, fuckers. Thanks a lot. You couldn't have gone to Blockbuster or rented shit on Netflix, huh?  Instead, you had to sit in front of this goddamn kiosk for 30 minutes and drive me up the fucking wall talking about every fucking movie that was listed on that fucking touchscreen and not rent a goddamn thing.

I hope the next time you rent a movie, the packaging is wrong, you get the wrong DVD and then you fuck yourself before going to bed.

And after being as angry as I am, I just realized that I was the dumb fuck who waited in line for 30 minutes dealing with this shit when there was another grocery store down the street with another Redbox.

Well fuck me sideways. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Advice Column: Whores Be Like...



Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a 28 year old mom of 2. I'm in the process of separating from my husband. I'm gonna need to get laid sooner than later. How do I get what I want without coming off like a whore? I’d like to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Thanks!



Dear Future Whore of America, 

You didn’t sign off with some cutesy ass name on your email, so, for the purposes of this column, I have assigned one to you that you may or may not like. You can count on no fingers the number of fucks I give. You're welcome.   

I know there's a big misconception that a majority of single women who have sex are goddamn whores. People who think that way need to be ass-raped with a rake and spiked bat by an actual whore. These are the same motherfuckers who are not “for the gays” and who have likely never drank alcohol which, by the way, I highly recommend. I mean, if our homeboy Jesus could get fucked up off wine, why can the goddamn universe do it without guilt, right? Chill the fuck out, people. I'm a dude who loves to fuck. I know a lot of broads who are single who aren't whores, except during sexy time. But isn’t that what us dudes like? Hell, isn't it what some of you bitches like, too? And I quote from our boy, Ludacris, “I want lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” Come at me, bro.    

What I’d like to start with, though, is what you said about your marriage. You said, “I’m in the process of separating from my husband…” What in the worldly fuck does that exactly mean, sweetheart? Does that mean you’re considering telling him you're about to bounce like a big ass pair of titties? Or that you’ve already told him but you’re still living together? Or that you’ve told him and one of you has moved out? Why do you ladies always gotta say some shit then confuse the fuck out of dudes like me, huh? You write this shit on your period or something? 

In any event, peep it...  

If you haven’t told him yet then, yes, you will come off like a whore. A dirty one too. PS - I LOVE DIRTY WHORES. Wait, what? Where was I...yes, you and this whole separation bullshit. 

Even if you’ve told him but you’re still living with him, you will come off looking like a whore. Sorry, sweet thang, I know…but the truth stings like fucking herpes, doesn’t it? 

The fact is that the only people who are going to encourage you to go out and start boning random motherfuckers are the girlfriends with whom you have shared the misery of your marriage. The ones who listened to you cry and "whaaaaaa whaaaaaaa" your way about your situation and held your hair while you puked on Girls’ Night. Do yourself a favor and don’t listen to them right now. You know why? Because some Friday night you’re going to be out in a bar or club, drunked up and super whorey, dancing like Jodie Foster in that rape movie, and someone is going to see you. Someone whose thoughts and opinions are important to your husband, like his brother or sister, his BFF or his Mom (because she’s probably a whore who frequents these whorey clubs). It may take a moment, as I’m not sure how smart or really fucking dumb you are, but you will realize that while you were sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of your friend Cindy's 17th pregnancy/STD tests, you got some really bad fucking advice from your homegirls. 

“Forget that asshole!! Go fuck his best friend!”  

“You’re single now – go fuck everyone!!” 

"Remember my friend, Tom? Yeah, I never told you this til now BUT, he totally wants to fuck you and eat your booty like groceries. Like totes magotes serious, girlfriend." 

But you know what?  Don’t do that shit, future Whore Spice. If you’re still living with dude, wait that shit out. Watch some porn and double-click your mouse 6 times a day if you want and need to, but don’t dip out while you’re still living with your husband. You see, Fatal Attraction? That could be you...the motherfucker who might fucking die. 

Unless he cheated first then, fuck it. GAME ON, son. See if you can fuck his brother, sister, BFF or Mom (because, hey, everyone else has) and use Instagram, Facebook and even fucking Twitter to your highest and best advantage. You also need to consider how your kids would be effected by your whoredom. When men think someone else is fucking their woman, they will trip the fuck out and say some shit that can’t be unsaid and can’t be unheard. Don’t subject your kids to that shit. Wait it out, because no dick in the WORLD...big or Benjamin Button small, is worth the looks on your children’s faces when their dad tells them their mother is a cum-belching road whore who eats ass on Sunday's and gets that shit in return. Ya feel me? 

From the way it's sounding though, you're probably still living with dude and, if that’s the case, the advice above is the best I have to offer your ass. How-the-fuck-ever, if you’re no longer living as husband and wife, I would say do your thang, girlfriend. Do it big, do it smart, do it well. You go and fuck like dick is about to go extinct. Wash that pussy though bc some of you bitches let shit marinate, don't clean up properly and end up smelling like there's a dead fucking prostitute in your goddamn vagina. 

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!! Especially new fucking dick. Desperate dick on the other hand...Wait, what?! 

Nothing says “Good Time” like an almost-30-year-old MILF climbing out the post-marital cage for the first time. You’re emotionally raw and vulnerable, you’re gonna drink too much, and you’re going to want to fuck like your boy, J-Wunder, on a Thursday night. FYI - there is a lot of fucking that I do on Thursdays...not sure how the fuck that happened but my dick gets "fuck ready" every Wednesday. Straight up. 

There are not enough women like that in the world (fellas will agree with me on that) and you will be met with much adoration and respect. And cocks. Lots and lots of fucking cocks. Big cocks. Little cocks. Pink cocks. Black cocks. Yellow cocks. Brown cocks. "I just went for a 10 mile run, you wanna fuck" cocks. Choose wisely. Bad boning choices can come back to haunt your slutty ass in so many fucking ways. Trips to one clinic or another, antibiotics, stalking – it can all go so bad, so fast. If you are really feigning for some dick that you can't wait, pick one, make him a secret fuck buddy and work your magic on the DL. Because that's what whores do. 

You’re welcome.  Hoe. 

J-Wunder the Almighty. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

Oh, You're Offended? Sorry Not Sorry.



What's up with sensitive ass motherfuckers these days? Like for reals.

You know people, I've been blogging for almost 5 years now, have had my Facebook Fan Page for about 3-4 years and Twitter and Instagram for about 2-3. Fuck my Twitter though...that shit makes me think too much.

For those that follow me, know I LOVE Social Networks. Shit gets me hard at least 4 days a week, 3 times a fucking day. For someone who writes for fun and post pics for entertainment, my main goal is to ALWAYS make sure I can at least make one of you motherfuckers laugh. Doing so not only reminds me that I did my job BUT, made someone's fucking day...especially after a shitty one. Laughter is the best medicine. Am I right?

Someone like myself who doesn't take social networking to the extreme, the one thing I gotta say is that some cats take this shit like it's life or death. Real talk.

For example, on my Facebook Fan Page, I have close to 180K fans. Some have been with me since the very beginning. Some fans are fairly new and digging the fuck out of what I post. And then there are some (like 2%), who are clueless as fuck and need to hit that "UNLIKE" button...like, immediately, fuck face.

I have NEVER understood people who like a page but when they see a post they don't like, they get all offended and butt hurt. You for real, motherfucker? Stop bullshittin'.

How in the living fuck could you like a page and be offended by what is posted? That's like me hiring a hooker and giving her hand shakes and high fives and not fucking or getting a reach-around...makes no goddamn sense. If you're so offended and acting like a little bitch, why say anything? Does it bug you THAT much that it ruins your day? Because guess what? It's the fucking Internet, asshole. You know what I do if I follow something that I don't like? I don't respond bc it's either 1) Not funny, 2) Not my thing or 3) So stupid that it really isn't worth my time, a like or better yet, a fucking response.

I never understood these motherfuckers. They laugh and "LIKE" all the shit someone post, but as soon as something is posted that they're guilty of...oh shit...watch out! We got a bad ass over here who is mad as fuck, y'all!

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT!

You serious right now? That's like going to Pornhub.com and expecting to see some Christian Mingle shit, people.

Here's an idea: go to Home Depot and buy yourself a shit ton of wood, build a bridge then get the fuck over yourself.

Some of you Internet lovers who have nothing better to do need to lighten the fuck up and find something better to do with your goddamn time. Like maybe find a fucking job or figure out who the fuck your baby daddy is. Straight up.

Too many times (lucky for me, not much on my pages), I see this shit happening. Sensitive ass bitches crying about jokes. You that upset, fuckmouth? Realize, you tripping over nothing not only makes you look like a fool, but the biggest Monkey Mouth Bitch for FOLLOWING the person you're hating on. That's called "Trolling" for you folks behind the times.

It's the Internet, people. For fucks sake, your life isn't at fucking risk. You think you're that fucking special that people and their pics or post should cater to you? Fuck that! Welcome to the world of jokes and real world shit that a majority of people don't talk about but are thinking.

It boggles my degenerate fucking mind that instead of worrying about shit that happens in our daily lives, more people are worried about what the "Suck My Dick, You Cock Sucking Whore" fan page posted last week at 5:10pm. You've been a fan since 2014, motherfucker. What the fuck do you think was going to be posted on a page that has the phrase, "Cock Sucking Whore"? Jesus Christ cumming on a fucking cracker. Wake the fuck up!!!!

I know I sound like a broken record but c'mon, fam...why do some of y'all take shit to the Nth degree? It's the internet. If you don't like shit, then ignore it. Turn the other fucking cheek. Go to the gym. Post a selfie. No one gives two fucks why you're offended...especially if you're guilty of being a fan. Do you hear me knocking? Then let me in, bitch!

Chill out and lighten the fuck up. There's more shit to worry about then you being offended about meaningless fucking shit. Unless your ass is Jared Fogle, calm the fuck down, motherfucker. Everyone got jokes. It's just that sometimes, not everyone is gonna see eye to eye. And you know what?

That's alright.

No go in peace and offend somebody.







Monday, August 10, 2015

19 Hard Truths That Perfectly Sum Up Being Broke AF

1. The phrase “desperate times call for desperate measures” is your motto.

2. You’re a baller…on the inside.

3. You don’t worry about FOMO.


4. You are filled with regret.

5. You know you’re better than this.

6. You cry yourself to sleep thinking about how long it’ll take you to pay off your student loans.

7. But you just KNOW you’ll get there someday.

8. You mutter the word “someday” more often than you’re willing to admit.

9. Avoidance is your best friend.

10. You’re completely aware of how terrible your financial situation is.

11. You know what really matters in life.

12. Grocery shopping stopped being fun years ago.

Cartoon Network / Via live-dance-poke.tumblr.com

13. You know the value of a dollar.











14. Scrolling through Instagram is as close as you get to going on vacation.

15. You’re all about that window shopping life.

16. You’re not above lying to children.











17. Or to the dedicated employees of Costco.




18. You are unreasonably angry with anyone younger and richer than you.




19. Your bank account is the only thing keeping you humble.

via - BuzzFeed

Monday, June 1, 2015

26 People Who Are In Desperate Need Of An Exorcism

1. CAST OUT THE DEVIL:

CAST OUT THE DEVIL:

2. RELEASE THEM FROM YOUR HOLD, DEMON:

RELEASE THEM FROM YOUR HOLD, DEMON:

3. COME BACK TOWARDS THE LIGHT:

COME BACK TOWARDS THE LIGHT:

4. GET OUT OF HERE, LUCIFER:

GET OUT OF HERE, LUCIFER:

5. GET BEHIND ME, SATAN:

GET BEHIND ME, SATAN:

6. STAY AWAY FROM THESE POOR SOULS:

STAY AWAY FROM THESE POOR SOULS:

7. YOU CAN STILL BE SAVED:

YOU CAN STILL BE SAVED:

8. REJECT THE EVIL SPIRITS:

REJECT THE EVIL SPIRITS:

9. WASH AWAY YOUR UNCLEAN SOUL:

WASH AWAY YOUR UNCLEAN SOUL:

10. BECOME CLEAN AGAIN:

BECOME CLEAN AGAIN:

11. CAST OUT THE DEMON WITHIN:

CAST OUT THE DEMON WITHIN:

12. FREE YOURSELF FROM HIS CHAINS:

FREE YOURSELF FROM HIS CHAINS:

13. DO NOT LET THE DEVIL WIN:

DO NOT LET THE DEVIL WIN:

14. THE DEVIL SURROUNDS US ALL, PREYING ON THE WEAK:

THE DEVIL SURROUNDS US ALL, PREYING ON THE WEAK:

15. BE VIGILANT, FOR THE DEVIL WALKETH ABOUT SEEKING WHOM HE MAY DEVOUR:

16. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE DEVIL’S COMMANDS:

DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE DEVIL'S COMMANDS:

17. YOU MUST STAY STRONG, KEEP FIGHTING:

YOU MUST STAY STRONG, KEEP FIGHTING:

18. YOU MUST FREE YOURSELF FROM HIS SHACKLES:

YOU MUST FREE YOURSELF FROM HIS SHACKLES:

19. RISE ABOVE AND BANISH HIM FROM WITHIN THEE:

RISE ABOVE AND BANISH HIM FROM WITHIN THEE:

20. DO NOT LET SATAN WIN:

DO NOT LET SATAN WIN:

21. DO NOT SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION OR JUST GENERAL CREEPY SHIT:

DO NOT SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION OR JUST GENERAL CREEPY SHIT:

22. LEAVE THESE PEOPLE, DEVIL!

LEAVE THESE PEOPLE, DEVIL!

23. LEAVE THEM!

LEAVE THEM!

24. YOUR HOME IS ELSEWHERE! DO NOT DRINK TOILET SLURPEES, DEVIL!

YOUR HOME IS ELSEWHERE! DO NOT DRINK TOILET SLURPEES, DEVIL!

25. DO NOT INFECT OUR ICE CREAM CONES, DEVIL:

DO NOT INFECT OUR ICE CREAM CONES, DEVIL:

26. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU:

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU:
via - BuzzFeed