Happy New Year!
So great you're back because my days get better with the shit you put out in the world. Absolutely love all your stuff!
Ok, so my question or advice to you is - what is your advice on oral sex? I don't mind giving blowjobs so I want to make sure if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right and who better to ask then the man who probably gets his dick sucked a lot! LOL.
Also, I like when guys go down on me so for them, how can they be better or add to their technique.
Look forward to your answer.
Dear Oral Assassin,
With a name like that, I don't know if I should give you advice or just hop on a plane and let you suck my dick. Jesus woman! I love you already.
Let's get down to business because motherfuckers need lessons to start practicing. Grab some paper, a pen and let's do this bitch!!!!!!
First up, when girls are trying to suck a guy off, there are do's and don't's that one must ALWAYS follow. Technique is everything and timing is key. The following is what you should and shouldn't do in order to be a successful dick sucker and want your man coming back for more!
The Astro Pop:
If you don't know what an Astro Pop is, Google that shit immediately. If there is one thing guys love, it's when a broad takes her mouth and tries to jam that shit down the back of her throat. Hence, the Astro Pop technique. Never in my life of eating a motherfucking popsicle have I NOT seen a woman who eats that shit like she's sucking dick. For chicks, that's the only way to eat it so remember when it comes to sucking cock, the Astro Pop technique is 100% YES! Please note: If you EVER use your teeth while doing this, you will more than likely get knocked the fuck out.
The Stamp Lick:
It's pretty self explanatory. Everyone who is anyone has licked a stamp and put that shit on an envelope. And believe it or fucking not, there are actually women out there who think sucking dick is licking the fucking tip of a man's penis. How do I know? Because I hooked up with a bitch who did that and because it was so awful, not only did I almost pee on her face BUT I told her until she learns how to suck weiner like a real woman, then she better not call me. People, the Stamp Lick is by far the worst shit you could ever do to a man. He's dick isn't 100 degrees so stop thinking it's gonna burn your tongue. Unless his dick is a spoon, stop trying to lick that shit like your tasting sauce to see if it has enough fucking salt.
The Corn on the Cobb:
The whole motherfucking universe has sometime in their life eaten corn on the cobb. I love me some fucking corn on the cobb, especially when a chick sucks my wang like she's eating one. Again, self explanatory...minus the teeth. Another note: IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, DON'T YOU EVER, EVER, EVER USE YOUR TEETH. But I digress...
When you're blowing a dude, it's nice to lick and suck his shaft from the side. Not sure why, but it feels good when you can treat a dudes penis like a piece of corn that just got buttered and go to town on it like you grew it yourself.
The Corn on the Cobb technique is more of a licking, kissing style that tells your man, "Hey bro, I'm gonna suck your dick really good, but let me get that cock warmed up first."
The Cup of Ice:
You know how when you're drinking something and you're done but you decide to suck on the ice then eat it? Yeah, this is what you don't fucking do when your giving a dude a hummer. Sucking - YES. Biting/Chewing - FUCK NO, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I don't know what it is but women tend to use teeth and thing doing a little bite down is a cool thing to do. Let me tell you ladies something, it's not cool nor does it do anything for a guy other than make us want to punch you in back of the head then bite off your nipples.
If you want something to chew on, chew gum, motherfucker. Penises have feelings too.
The Head Banger with a side of Rub and Tug:
You've seen head bangers so it shouldn't be a surprise that this technique works like a charm for you ladies who love sucking dick like it's a gang bang gone wrong. When you can suck a dude off by doing the up and down motion at a steady pace with a few cock rubs and gentle tugs, you are on your way to making a man serve up some baby gravy like it was Thanksgiving dinner. Remember when I said technique and timing is everything? Well for the Head Banger with a side of Rub and Tug, this is super crucial because you don't want to start off fast then fuck it up by slowing down. Reverse that shit and go slow and then ramp it up. Think of it as the slow clap. Get that shit going and once you're feeling that rhythm, mix it up with the rub and tug and dude will be jizzing in the back of your throat like someone hit you with a shotgun.
The Shake Weight:
Ladies, dudes don't like getting jacked off. Hence, the Shake Weight. I'll be honest, in my life, there has only been one woman he has jerked me off better than me and til this day, I don't know how the fuck she did it. Watch all the porn you want. Practice on all the cucumbers you have. Bottom line, if you plan to jack a dude off, do it with your fucking mouth.
Now that you have the do's and don't's for the ladies, let's talk about the fellas and what they need to do when munching a woman's box.
The Crazy 8:
You all know what an 8 looks like, right? So for you fellas, when you are down there between your gal's thighs make sure your mouth is putting in the work. One of the best and full-proof techniques is when you spot the clit and make an 8 with your tongue over and over and over again. However, keep in mind your tongue needs to soft and not so tense. If your tongue is tense, you might as well do that shit with a tree branch, fuck face. Tense tongues don't do anything but have the girl resent the fuck out of you.
The Tasmanian Devil:
If you've ever watched cartoons then you know who the fuck I'm talking about. The Tasmanian Devil is fucking crazy. He runs fast, talks like a fucking dude who is really tripping balls on acid and peyote and acts like a fool. If you're eating a bitch out, DO NOT DO THIS. What I mean by "this" is getting all fucking crazy with your tongue like it's having a fucking seizure because if you do, that bitch is gonna think you're either dying, she's about to die or you snuck in a bowl of ice cream and decided not to tell her. Women like a little craziness but CONTROLLED CRAZINESS.
The Ferris Wheel:
Ferris Wheels go in one big ass circle, right? Then that's what you need to do with your goddamn tongue. From the top to the bottom, gently and tactfully make that motion as many times as you can because doing so teasing their little bead (that's clit for you dumb fucks out there) since you're making contact with it, then pulling away, then coming back, then pulling away, etc. Do this mixed in with the Crazy 8, bitches will be asking you to meet their parents.
The Looking for Change:
Girls like being fingered when being eaten out. But what they don't like is being fingered like you're looking for some fucking change between your couch cushions. Fellas, if you're eating a bitch out and decide to finger her as well, don't do that shit so hard that she thinks you're giving her a fucking pap smear. You do that, she'll rip your dick off. Doing the Looking for Change is in no way, right and pretty close to domestic violence. Don't be that fucking guy.
Mix in the Crazy 8 with the Ferris Wheel and for good measure, add-in the Come Hither (that's a nice way of saying, "fingering a chick") and you have yourself the All-In-One. Women dig it when your tongue can work in ways the dick can't. Doing this not only gets a girl going but by the time you start fucking, the sex will be THAT MUCH BETTER.
The All-In-One isn't for everyone, but if you have it mastered, it could be your key to a broad wanting more. Hell, once you've mastered this technique, when you're all up in her shit, tongue punch her fart box and watch her wiggle into ecstasy my friend!
The Hot Wings:
FACT: Men love hot wings. Why? Because they taste fucking delicious and it's just man shit. However, what's not man shit is when you think a vagina is a hot wing and you eat a bitch out like it is one. Biting, spreading her lips apart like you're looking for some lost keys, fellas, I know a majority of vaginas are not fucking pretty but come on, man...have the decency to eat a bitch out like a civilized human being. Pulling the Hot Wing technique is not only bad but it makes a chick think you might be a serial killer.
STOP THAT SHIT AND NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER DO THIS.
My name is J-Wunder and I approve this column,