Monday, April 6, 2020

Tiger King Ep 7: A New Regime




"It's a collaboration between two of the most notorious assholes in the industry."

It was at this moment I realized that J-Wundercunt and I aren't Joe Exotic and Saff, we are Jeff Lowe and Tim Stark. Except we wouldn't let the feds anywhere near each other, and we most certainly wouldn't let them dig around, literally, and find a bunch of bullshit to pin on one of us. We ride together, we die together. Fuck that bedazzled ass jeans wearing, Affliction sporting, possibly Carole Baskins first husband looking motherfucker, Jeff Lowe, and his creepy ass, methed out, crazy side kick, Tim Stark. When we came up with the phrase Monkey Mouth Bitch, it was this dude we were talking about. Probably a monkey fucker, too. And how about that makeover that Tim Stark got from the beginning of the episode to the end. He first comes out looking like he is tryna grub quarters off people on the side of the freeway for a hit of smack, then he looks like he finally got that hot meal, a shower, and nap he needed. Bro had on a goddamn collard shirt and a newsboy cap like some 3rd Rate Oklahoma Hipster. Prove us wrong.

And you know what else? Fuck James Garretson's manatee looking ass. Don't get it twisted, I love all the manatees, but if this overweight hedge hog looking motherfucker was in the water, I would hope he accidentally got run over by a boat not paying attention to low speed signs on the waterway. The reason he thinks Jeff will be indicted before him is cus that chubby shape shifter never has the same look for more than a few days. I didn't think a fat person could flip so fast, but they say shit rolls downhill and this sad excuse for a human wombat is about to start a shit avalanche. If I was on the jury and this dude was testifying, I wouldn't believe a word oozing out of his warm, buttered filled mouth. I bet when he was testifying he got hungry and his mouth got dry, because it had been 15 minutes since his last feeding, and he would get that nasty string of spittle in the corners of his mouth.

How come all of a sudden everyone is turning on Joe, letting him rot in that jail, not even able to properly take care of his luxurious mullet and curls, which we know is his sex appeal. John Finlay calls it when he said that he didn't see anyone there for Joe, not one person there on his side, but that 3 Toothed Sloth even said he was trying to save his own ass. He wasn't too concerned about his himself when he was serving it up to Joe on a platter for some meth and kitties. It's real fucked up how all these motherfuckers that were sucking on Joe's teet when he was plush with meth and big cats, are now running so fast to turn on him and send him up the river. You know who knows what's up though? That hot piece of Oklahoma newscaster ass, Sylvia Corkill. She is the only one that sees through this bullshit of everyone turning on Joe, and she has everyone's number. I hope she keeps digging and helps Free Joe Exotic. Also, if you are reading this, Sylvia, holla at ya girl, H-Bomb, in Florida, when this Coronavirus BS is over. I don't have meth, but I have a kitty that needs to be petted.

Now that you got a little glimpse of what the fuck happened in episode 7, J-Wun and I are here to break it down together.

Jeff Lowe and Tim Stark partner up and take over the zoo empire while Joe's crazy ass is locked up prior to the trial.

FEDS end up raiding Joe's property and what do they find while digging around (literally) - some motherfucking tiger bones and skulls. Joe now has 20 goddamn charges against him. Everything from murder for hire to killing tigers and selling those little cute fuckers to other fuckers who are probably trying to do the same shit that these current fuckers are doing. He was facing 79 amazing years at Oklahoma's finest state penitentiary.

James Garretson now wants a piece of the zoo from Jeff. Lowe was like, "Fuck that, you South Park character looking, motherfucker." James then tells the story of how Jeff basically set Joe up and got his ass locked up. Put this snitch in the hood, dude would have already been dead. Don't @ us.

John Reincke said it best: "I'm involved in a federal murder for hire plot. Who'd thought. Just bc I stopped by a zoo to feed a bear one day." Poor motherfucker. I really liked JR. Loyal cat that was just there to make sure he was doing the right thing. Which begs the question...how did this guy who has worked with Joe THE LONGEST, never took the stand or was asked to take the stand?! Ain't that some shit? Anyway...

Trial is about to begin and everyone who is anyone is called to testify.

Erik Cowie, being one of those dudes who planned to testify looked like he was one more shot of vodka or heroin away from being on Intervention. Talk about a guy that either wanted this saga or his life to fucking end, amiright? Love this fucking dude, nonetheless.

John Finlay, who H-Bomb mentioned earlier was looking out for himself as soon as the meth ran out and his balls could take a break, testified and with no hesitation tells the jury, "Yeah, this motherfucker did all that shit you heard about."

Then in a surprise, maybe not so surprising testimony, Fat Fuck Magee, James Garretson, tells the goddamn court that it was not Joe, BUT motherfucking Jeff Lowe who was the one trying to get this bitch, Carole Baskin, killed and basically framed Joe's gay ass so he could get the zoo. Is Jeff the real con man people make him out to be or nah? The answer is simple - FUCK YES! Did this motherfucker who looks like he still goes to high school parties testify? FUCK NO!

Fast forward to Allen Glover. Man, where the hell do I begin with this dude? He is pure gold. He's like an angel that came down from the nearest Quick Stop with some crackheads who have contracted the Whoronavirus in the streets of Oklahoma and is now the voice of reason after all this drama. I mean, you know shit is a little special when they interview this dude while he was chillin' in the bathtub of a Red Roof Inn. And not just any Red Roof Inn. This place had the tub in the actual living room. Not even in the fucking bathroom. Straight up in an open area with carpet. Now, I could be wrong bc I was pretty high when I was watching this shit, so if I am, please don't @ me and think you know everything bc FUCK YOU. Kidding. Not really.

Here's how it ends...

Trial resumes and Joe, as much as I love and hate this motherfucker, decides to take the stand like a PURE FUCKING TWAT. Mind you, this was AFTER his own defense team was like, "You ain't saying shit. Sit your ass down and let this thing play out." Joe, being the man with all the answers was like, "NOPE." No fucks given for Joe. I mean, what the fuck did he really have to lose though, right? Let's just say, after final arguments, and a few hours in deliberation, this gun toting, mullet having, meth loving, gayer than a 3 dollar bill ex-zoo owner was guilty of all 20 charges and was sentenced to 22 years in goddamn federal state prison.

Now, one would think the dust has settled and justice has been served. Hell fucking no. Tim and Jeff cut ties because Tim discovers that Jeff is broke as fuck and played his ass like a banjo. So while Joe is sitting his country ass in prison, tables have turned against Jeff and every goddamn person is out to get his ass.

Is the story over? Has justice really been served? Who can any of us really trust? Is that bitch, Carole Baskin, free of all the rumors that her crazy ass fed her first husband to the tigers? Those are questions that we all want answers to and just when we thought Episode 7 was the goddamn end, the world got hit with a motherfucking surprise, y'all...

THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE COMING THIS WEEK!

That said, hold onto your fucking seats because shit is either gonna get really interesting or we will be in for some real disappointment.

Until then, peace the fuck out!

J-Wun and H-Bomb

Friday, April 3, 2020

Tiger King Ep 6: Joe Behind The Throne



Episode 6 tried to fucking trick us...HARD. But you know what? Those motherfuckers weren't tricking me. Nope. Fuck that. No way, no how.

This episode gets straight to the good shit bc at this point, who the fuck needs blue balls or hard nips for shits and giggles, right? Back in Vegas, Jeff Lowe gets busted for having two tigers, (58) 9mm's, (5) buckshot's, (1) fucking flashlight (but is it the kind of flashlight on a goddamn gun? Who the fuck would confiscate that?! Well, unless it was one of those bad ass mag lights. Those sonsofbitches are expensive) and (1) receipt with an envelope.

And if that wasn't odd as fuck, this fool straight up had a goddamn Zoom court hearing on the day of his sentencing. This broke-ass Fred Durst looking motherfucker was gonna get sentenced to 179 days in the joint if he violated probation. That said, Joe caught wind of all this and knew Jeff was coming for him since he knew Joe was pulling some shady shit by basically laundering money through GW Zoo.

Our boy, Mr. Exotic, was probably like, "Fuck this straight, non-meth using, tiger having, Affliction wearing, nowhere near as gay as me, little bitch. He ain't seeing any financial shit NO.MATTER.WHAT."  So this fool Jeff decides to go to the bank to check out the last year of financials...as any person who just bailed out someone who lost their sorry ass to Carole fucking Baskin would do. Sure enough, shit was all kinds of fucked up and lo and behold, Jeff finds out that the goddamn FEDS were watching this motherfucker Joe. Worst part, Joe gave no fucks and got so desperate with money, tigers and meth that this dude was straight forging Jeff's name on checks his ass was writing to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there.

Jeff got HEATED and wasn't fucking around any mo'. He tells Joe's bitch ass to leave the fucking property bc he can't have another felony per his Zoom trial sentencing. So Joe was like, "Fuck all this gay shit. I'm gonna burn any sort of shit that shows I was laundering money." His hit records.? Flame on, bitch. Laptops? Can't say I've ever seen one of them bitches before. Pretty much, any goddamn clue that will tie him to a crime, BYE FUCKING BYE...just like them lyrics from N'Sync. Oh, and fuck Carole Baskin.

At this point, Joe started to act like a true meth head. The man we all needed since the beginning of this whole fucking shit show,  ended up stealing some animals from the goddamn zoo and sold those fuckers just to stay afloat.

Then, in a blink of a stripper's butthole, Joe went AWOL to never be seen again.

*cue Joe Exotic heartfelt music video*

Joe and his gay-gay husband, Dillion, move to some undisclosed location in bum fuck Oklahoma. They raise two tiger pups and from what we can tell, it seems as if Joe is a changed man. Not only that, it's looking like we are actually getting the most raw version of Joe that we've seen through this entire fucking show. It was like Joe released the Exotic and was reborn as Joe Maldonado Passage.

One thing was certain though...he still hates that bitch, Carole Baskin. Shit, my mom hates Carole Baskin. Jesus himself probably hates her ass too. But I digress...

Even though the man who is gayer than a 3 dollar bill had good intentions and cared for the animals, there is no fucking doubt that his ass was overtaken by ego, fame, sex, meth, turning straight men into gay men, then having those men put it in his raisin loaf...oh, and money. The devil now turned angel, took a turn real quick. It's like, "Why, bruh? Why you trying to play us? You the devil. Always have been. Always will be." Now, that's not to say that the devil is bad...just this version is really fucked up and he needs to remove whatever dick is in his mouth and take a deep breath and realize what the fuck is really going on. Which brings us to what happens next...

Soon after he vanished, rumor has it that Joe was trying to put a hit on that bitch...you guessed it...Carole fucking Baskin.

Into the picture now comes James Garretson. He gets asked if the rumors were true. Sure enough, this dude had no shame and served up a rat fucking sandwich. For you slow motherfuckers out there, that means he said, "Hell yeah he put a hit out on that bitch, Carole Baskin. I'm telling the whole fucking world so they know what the fuck is up." Not word for word, but you get what I'm saying. He's a fucking snitch.

Now, shit is starting to unravel at the speed of fucking light. Allen Glover gets caught up in the mix and was asked try Joe to kill Carole fucking Baskin with a goddamn crossbow. If there's anywhere you can get by walking around in some goddamn camo with a motherfucking crossbow and have no one say shit to you...it's fucking Florida, people.

So at this point, James Garretson, the man who got in trouble with the FEDS over owning a fucking lemur (btw, I know lemurs got soft ass hands...what the fuck did you buy one for, fool?) agrees to be a confidential informant...side note: why the fuck when they do slow-mo's of this fat fuck that he always tries to look like an outlaw?! It's some sort of meth western if you ask me. Anyway...

This shit is turning into some fucked up, white trash version of We Bought A Zoo.

Joe wants in his heart of gay hearts to have that bitch Carole dead. As soon as humanly possible too. So of course, he picks the craziest, drugged out with a side of no fucks given person who happens to be Allen fucking Glover to end that broad's life. Garretson picks up on that shit and tells the feds, that Glover is gonna kill Thundercunt Carole. Y'all need to hurry the fuck up before she asks for a manager. You know how that woman rolls.

Things are getting pretty goddamn real so Allen Glover decides to prep like a true white trash assassin that he is by drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, some of Oklahoma's finest moonshine, tons of blow and a bit of meth for good measure. I mean, if I'm gonna kill a motherfucker, I better get some shit that is gonna give me enough courage to do that shit. I ain't O.J. in this bitch.

Glover makes his move and heads to Florida to go and kill our favorite hoe, Carole.
James Garretson like the fat fuck informant he is, text Allen to confirm the crackhead has landed at home base when the element of surprise happens...Glover's like, "Plans changed, bitch. I'm headed back home to drink some beers and see some titties. A dead Carole gonna have to wait, bruh." Again, not in those exact words but you get what I'm fucking saying. Sometimes, 3 grand and a possible murder conviction doesn't outweigh getting fucked up and seeing some big ass bongos when you live in the South. What is life?

The FEDS get pissed and tell fat fuck Columbo (Garretson) to find another way to get Joe to pay some other dude to murder this goddamn cockroach who won't die, Carole. An undercover agent rolls with this Haley Joel Osment looking motherfucker to see if they can get this deal done. Text messages get exchanged, promises were made and a deal was finally agreed upon. They think they got Joe right where they want him, right? Nah, bruh. Joe is broke as fuck to even pay to have Carole killed, so ain't no one dying anytime soon.

Time to fast forward to Garretson and Jeff Lowe. Garretson admits to Jeff that he's working with the FEDS to try and bust Exotic for basically every law they could bust him for. Jeff is like, "Damn man. That's fucked up. By the way, I got some shit for you. Yeah, so...this gay looking Allan Jackson motherfucker was gonna pay Allen Glover to kill that bitch Carole. I think it was for like 5 grand, some meth and a reach around, topped off with a rusty trombone." FEDS work with Lowe, get him as another informant and by this time, Joe is really FUCKED. Like, for real for real...no more of this soap opera shit.

Joe and his gay-gay hubs bounce and try and hide out to some remote fucking place and act as if they now reside in Belize based on their social media accounts. Like James Garretson noted, that picture in Belize was bullshit because that water was some goddamn Florida pan handle water. What kind of water in Belize looks a bunch of homeless people been bathing in it, huh? SMH.

At this moment, we cue the goddamn FEDS and every law enforcement officer known to man. 5 cars and trucks surround this dude and get his ass. Case closed. Or is it???

Joe is finally in custody then this bitch, Carole, gets on her little fucking kitty cat webcam and announces to her following that Joe Exotic was arrested for trying to get her ass killed. I'm still heated, y'all. Not sure at who because once again, I'm fucked up as I'm writing this shit. LOL. But I digress...

Keep America Exotic Again is now in prison awaiting trial but while locked up, he speaks to the local news and basically says how he's been stripped of his clothes, right, identity and dignity. Ummm...bruh...not sure if you fucking know this but, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO PRISON FOR A MURDER FOR HIRE OR ANY FUCKING CRIME!!!! How much meth and cock has gone to your fucking head, dick boy?! For fuck's sake. Cry me a fucking river why don't you.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

This dude acting like he's Martha fucking Stewart.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Jeff is like, fuck this shit. This zoo got too much heat with shit going down so let's pick up shop and relocate. And relocate they did, my friends.

What's next? We'll see when H-Bomb shares her review of Tiger King Ep. 7.

Until next time...

J-Wun




Thursday, April 2, 2020

Tiger King Ep 5: Make America Exotic Again



I know, I know, I missed posting this dumpster fire of a recap yesterday, but lets be fucking real, no one, and I mean NO ONE knows what the fuck day it is. J-Wun asked me what day it was yesterday and I said it was the Eleventieth of Blurbember, because my ability to comprehend days and dates is about as in tact as Saff's left arm nubbin. I am so calendar dysfunctional I forgot to pay myself last week, as if I got settlement money like that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins rolling in. Shit was so real I almost had to turn gay for meth and kitty cuddles to keep myself in meth and kitty cuddles.

Episode 5. What. The. Fuck. This episode is a roller coaster ride, if you like roller coaster rides where they alternate setting you on fire and blasting you with hail at the same time, all while blindfolded and wearing noise cancelling headphones. If someone who had never seen an episode of this show started watching just this episode, it would be like when you are watching someone get tortured by keeping their eyes open and showing them the most gruesome shit of all time. If Stefan was trying to make up a club to describe this episode it would be called NOPE, because nothing can prepare you for what goes down in 44 mins.

This episode opens with mah dude Bhagavan, bringing the animals to a kiddie birthday party. And now I am all kinds of pissed off that my fuck ass parents never threw me a birthday party at Lion Country Safari (yeah that place mentioned in the show is 30 minutes from my house) and bought me this magical MoFo to party with. I want a Bhagavan "Doc" Antle Birthday Party, Daddy! And that story line just kind of peters out, as if that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins killed it.

Next, we hear some meow meow from Jeff and you see him wearing an affliction flannel shirt. Again. What. The. Fuck. How does one even procure such finery? Do you find an old County Seat, in a mall in Ciudad De Juarez, where they have clothes that people tried to set on fire in 2008, but then realized that you can't set it on fire because it has some kind of magical flame retardant properties? Should we start having firefighters wear Affliction Flannel shirts, because that is the only thing that can protect you from heat that intense?

And when I think the most fucked up thing I am going to see in this episode is an affliction flannel shirt (yes, I am fucking shook by that shit), Joe Exotic says, "Hold my meth pipe," because here comes Jabba The James Garretson. This dude looks like if you were drawing adult Haley Joel Osment from memory and you have only seen him one time. He looks like the haircut barbers all over the country are going to have to try to fix, because people started to cut their own hair in quarantine. He says he has managed strip clubs, and worked in the circus. Bro IS the circus. And is this dude in the Witless (I said what I said) Protection Program? Because he never looks the same in any of his interviews that will follow. And we will talk more about him in another episode, because this fat fuck manages to squeeze his 1000 tons of lard into a LOT of what happens in the future. To be continued.

I think James was introduced to play up that Travis wasn't gay-gay, just gay for meth and Big Cats. But, who the fuck of us isn't a little gay for meth and big cats? I know I sure the fuck am. All of this was a nice segue way to bring us to the one of the next WTF moments in this episode.

Walmart Meat Truck.

Running a zoo is 'spensive, meth is 'spensive, having two husbands is 'spensive. So like any frugal, business savvy, entrepreneur Joe decided to save money in the most obvious ways: cut out dental benefits for the staff/spouses and get old ass meat from Walmart, by the truckload. I mean, if my options were eating old ass Walmart meat OR smoking meth, I am going to have to be honest and say that meth may be the healthier option. Follow me @missushoper on Insta for more recipes!

Like a bad 3am infomercial, just when you think that's it, a coked up Billy Mays (RIP) says, "But wait, there's more." JOE FOR PRESIDENT.  Shut up and take my money! Fuck JFK, Fuck Obama, Fuck Trump. There will never be another word uttered in any presidential campaign, ever, than, "I ain't changing the way I dress, I refuse to wear a suit, I am gay, I am broke as shit, and I have a judgment against me by some bitch." He is us. We are him. And his campaign manager Joshua Dial (also maybe in the Witless Protection Program because he also goes a big metamorphosis during this show) saying he knew he was crazy from their conversations at Walmart. Dude. DUUUDE. Dude.

The campaign stuff is just too delicious. Joe is in his element, with his people, showing them the way and the light. Also, Political Condoms? Fucking Brilliant. I mean, we are all trying to fuck or get fucked, at least he is trying to keep us safe, because he loves us and wants the best for us.  I am not even going to get into the shittery of that bitch Carole Fucking Baskins talking about people getting their "Picture Made" with politicians like this taking a photo is some artisanal shit you buy on Etsy.

The kicker of all of this? We are only like 1/2 way through this episode. I could go on and on about some things, but we gotta get to the meat of what this episode is really about. And I literally mean meat. Travis's meat. There is a lot of meow meow about Joe, John, and Travis, and their drug use, the toys that Joe was lavishing upon them, how both John and Travis weren't gay and Joe is losing his shit, maybe from too many drugs or bad Walmart meat (no one will ever know), John knocks up the girl at the front desk, and Travis, being Travis, shoots himself in the head and dies. Told ya. Roller-Fucking-Coaster.

You would think that losing one part of your Not So Gay Three Way Marriage would sober Joe up. Fuck ALL that noise. Joe goes full Joe on errybody and gives The Eulogy to end all Eulogies. Dressed as a priest, singing his songs, talking about Travis rubbing his balls on Joe's face. Then cut to Travis's mom tweaking the fuck out in the front row. But do you blame her? I sure the fuck don't.

You would think this would  be the end of it, but nope, there's still more. Joe has a shrine built for Travis, and thankfully the local motorcycle club saw whatever back alley abortion dumpster fire Joe created and designed a tasteful, elegant, timeless piece where Joe can take pictures of the clouds that say Hi, or High, not really clear there. But don't cry for Joe, Oklahoma. Just two months later, he has a new love, and this dude is actually gay. Like an openly gay, Joe loving man. And they get married. And live happily meth-er after.

JUST KIDDING.

I am spent after that recap. I need a shower, a nap, and a hot meal. Preferably not old ass Walmart meat, but we all know I have probably put worse in my mouth before. Stay tuned for J-Wunder's Ep 6
recap, whenever that may be, because calendars are hard.

😻H-Bomb😻







Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Tiger King Ep 4: Playing With Fire




What in the actual fuck once again. I don't know about you, but this show has me lost with all emotions. One minute I'm like, "WTF?!" Then I'm like, "Only in Oklahoma." The next minute I'm like, "Fuck Carole Baskin! She a hoe."

In Episode 4, it starts with a goddamn Joe Exotic music video. This dude singing about how Carole Baskin is basically trying to ruin his life. Surprise motherfucker!!! Side note: I'm sad and disappointed that Joe is pulling some Milli Vanilli shit and doesn't really have pipes. How do I know? Well, not only did I read it online, but in this episode, he's in his truck singing and I'm like, "This dude sounds like fucking shit." Not that he sounded like a goddamn angel in his music video but man...c'mon, bruh. I'm trying to love your ass unconditionally.

I forgave this ombre-mullet having motherfucker real quick though when they show him riding with a tiger in the front fucking seat like it's a goddamn chocolate lab going on a Sunday ride around town. This dudes dick gotta be made of something from outer fucking space. If there is one guy who gives no fucks, it's Joe Exotic. Oh, and the homie Erik Crowie (he's the broke ass version of Kid Rock).

Thundercunt Carole Baskin and her pedophile looking husband Howard are at it again. And this time, they are out to get Joe and all his fucking money. I won't bore you with details, so I'll give you the short version of it all. Joe wanted to basically be the top dog when motherfuckers search for tiger zoo's or whatever the fuck on Google. Carole is always the first link you see. Where was Joe? Not at the top. So what did this dude do? He stole some shit from Carole. Was it smart? Obviously not bc this dude got his ass handed to him in a lawsuit. A cool million bucks worth. Did that stop Joe? Does a crackhead say no to free drugs?

Carole and Howard were out for so much blood that not only did they sue Joe's ass, but they also sued that poor looking Lieutenant Dan motherfucker, John Reinke. Leave John alone...dude got no legs and is trying to make a fucking living.

And if I may...any person that says shit like, "No poop from Frosty today" is clearly goddamn killer. WE SEE YOU, BITCH! 

One would think battles of trademark and copyright infringement only happened in the entertainment industry in cities like Los Angeles or New York. NOPE. The good 'ol state of Oklahoma got that shit too. Shit was getting so methed up (see what I did there), that this motherfucker, Joe, was doing shows talking to a goddamn doll as if it was that cunt ass bitch, Carole Baskin. I mean, blow up dolls, dildos and guns were involved. Ain't that some shit?! This gay, gun toting red neck with a mullet was so goddamn delusional that this cat made me realize that if I smoked meth and sucked dick, as a straight man, I could make it in life.

Here's where shit starts to get good...

Joe got his ass handed to him on a silver fucking platter. After the judge declared Joe fucked up, Thundercunt Carole wanted EVERTHING. I'm talking cars, RV's, watches. bed's. This bitch wanted HIS FUCKING BED. And people don't think this bitch ain't crazy?! GTFOH!!!

Joe's patience was as thin as his fucking eyebrow ring hanging on for dear fucking life. Lord help me. 

Then shit went from 0-100 real quick. Joe was dumb enough to give Rick Kirkham the rights to all the video footage they've been taping. This is what happens when motherfuckers think they are invincible and are more concerned about their popularity and how much cock they are looking to suck bc of it. However, Rick was dumb enough to not back up one goddamn thing he filmed. Hence, a towering inferno of flames and fire (PS - Joe, that's the same fucking thing dumb ass) went ablaze in the alligator sanctuary and not only killed those gators (which was rumored to be Michael Jackson's) but also, all the goddamn footage that was housed in that same area. Which brings me to an interesting question. How the fuck are we watching this series if the footage was burned down?! 

So who did it? Was it Rick? Was it Joe? Or was it that stone cold killer (bc we know you did it, hoe), Carole Baskin?

Joe was convinced that Cig Dick Rick, was the mastermind behind it all. Me, personally, I don't see that being the case. 

But let's be real...Joe being the dumb fuck he was, got greedy and left a clue behind. Dude leaves for a "funeral" the day before the arson. then, this motherfucker meets with his lawyer and they talk about Joe's reality show and how he didn't protect his shit. Bruh...bruuuuuuuh. His lawyer basically says without saying, "You're fucked...you need to do some insurance fraud type shit if you know what I'm saying...wink, wink." 

By the grace of God, Joe got this shit rebuilt. You're probably asking yourselves, "How the fuck did his (now) broke ass come up with the money?" Probably by giving a couple 5 dollar "hot and ready" pizzas from Little Cesar's and a bag of Oklahoma's finest meth to the local (straight man) construction worker who looked like his cock was a good 6-8 inches with the girth of a Coke can. I don't even know if any of that made sense. I'm writing this and I'm high as shit, people. 

Joe needed an out, so gives ownership to his straight/gay hubs, John Finlay. The dude with 7 teeth is about to own this zoo. This is the same guy who has the IQ of a rug and was about to have this business in his name. What in the actual fuck, people. I mean, give that shit to "Saff". Bitch got his/her/they (side note: Saff trans now so I gotta throw everything in there so I don't have motherfuckers coming after me) arm eaten off by a fucking tiger.

Well, if things couldn't get any worse, it did. Joe puts his own parents into bankruptcy. This dude said, "Carole bankrupt them." Nah motherfucker, you did. You went broke then made every motherfucker broke along the way. I'm heated, y'all. Oh, and if you're reading this mom, I love you and fuck Carole Baskin. But for now, fuck Joe Exotic. 

GW Zoo became so low on funds that the animals were eating like homeless people in San Francisco. Basically living off eating their own dookie and cigarette butts. 

Joe plays victim and says he was gonna die a hero and liberate the animal world. And that is when that motherfucker Jeff Lowe comes into the picture. Was this the savior we all needed? Especially Joe?

How would I describe Jeff Lowe you ask? He's a cross between Fred durst,  Brett Michaels with aspirations of being Hugh Hefner. He's the richest broke motherfucker you've ever seen. He says, "A little pussy gets you a lot of pussy." Guess this dude did it all for the nookie, right? BTW, how the fuck do I get this dude's kinda credit line? 

In short, Jeff saves Joe's ass and Joe is so thankful that you can almost feel that he's about to eat Jeff's butthole as a thank you. Here's where it gets good, y'all...since Joe think Jeff has endless amounts of money, he gives this motherfucker, Jeff, the zoo and all of the sudden, shit goes south. And while Joe thinks he has Carole by her penis shaped clitoris, he fucks himself. BAD. 

Has this dude not learned anything?! A guy with so-called money, bails you out and you fuck yourself by giving the zoo to him to "clear your debt?!"

I don't know about you guys but come episode 5, I better see people (not Don Lewis), getting eating by some goddamn tigers.

Until then, I'll see you at my Episode 6 review.

Peace!

J-Wun








Monday, March 30, 2020

Tiger King Ep 3: The Secret



If you are like me, you are now on Episode 3 (or have completely watched it and are waiting for our take) and you have a minor case of whiplash from shaking your head back and forth with such fervor, because of all the no-no shit you have peeped in the first two episodes of this delicious shit show that has become our new normal. We also know, without a doubt that Thundercunt Carole killed Don. Again, do not @ me unless you have spent the last 20 days looking for Don's body, and you are ready to present your information to Cold Case Files. I am looking at you, Trebek (one of my best friends who lives for this shit, and I am pretty sure she is going to be the one to crack this case open faster than a dude bro on a White Claw at an EDM concert).

I saw the title from this show, The Secret and I was like, "What in the manifestation hell are we going to see now," because literally nothing is what the fuck you think it is on this show. Nothing. Up is down, day is night, black is white, drunk is sober, pants are good. Wait, no, pants are still fucking leg prisons and I hope Carole Baskins is sentenced to life wearing mom-jeans that are a 1/2 size too small, where that top button digs into the bottom of your belly button and you can't seem to get comfortable, ever. Ladies, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM TALKING ABOUT. Also, it opens with Doc Antle speaking, and TBH, if I couldn't join the Joe Exotic cult first (because meth and big cats hellllllllllllllllllller) I would be so on that soul patch that Doc Antle wears, making his face look like a Krispy Kreme donut. Jussssssssst let your Souuuuuuuuuuuul (patch) Glow!

When I first started watching this, I noticed that Don has a type. I mean, we all have a type, but Don's kink is one I haven't really come across. And no, I am not kink-shaming. Even if your kink is not my kink, do you boo. Even if it means you die by the hands of Carole fucking Baskins get your freak on. Don's kink tho, is fundamental/evangelical Christian women. Also, not shaming Evangelicals/FCWs. I know quite a few and in no way could I see them falling for Don's BS. Or his "money." Because do we really know how much money he had? But if you look at Don's Baby Mama, or his kids, or his Sexetary Anne, he definitely likes him a woman with a well teased coif, dressed modestly, and subservient to him. However, it also appears that after he left them, they left that life behind. Then comes Carole Fucking Baskins.

I don't know what kind of Trampa Bay love story she is peddling, but she was "pacing like a cat,"  (thanks to our Tampa Fan Faithful who let us know that Nebraska Ave. is strictly for the ladies of the night - also, no shame there. Sex work is valid and we support it) and lo and behold here comes her 3rd rate Richard Gere, in his pick up, asking her to get in. He circles 3 times until he tells her she can get in and hold the gun on him because he needs to talk. I can't get a dude to call me his girlfriend and this bitch gets to hold a gun on some dude and they "talk." Fuck. Outta. Here. And let me back Don's pick up truck real quick, and revisit Carole's original story - She was fighting with her cusband (I swear to G that is what I heard) and she had to throw a potato at him to get a way. Again. Fuck. Outta. Here. She was on the hoe stroll, simple as that.

So she meets this dude, who carries a $500 bill in his pocket because he can (worst flex ever, IMO) and Carole 'I didn't know how poor we were" Baskins coos "hey all you cool cats and kittens' and Don's life is changed forever. Much like me and this goddamn show. Little did he know he was meeting his maker. Poor fucking Don. He just wanted a little here kitty kitty, and he ended up with the bitch that would be the death of him. Literally.

For those of you out there defending Carole Fucking Baskins, if you really watch this shit show and when they say the bought 52 cats in one pop, you know she ain't right. She was buying, selling, and breeding these things like she was the madam of a whore house, if your whores were cats. And when she said she was having them spayed and neutered while he was in Costa Rica, fucking his actual side piece, she was really neutering the part of her that could feel human emotions and make her a non-stop killing machine.

I think my heart breaks the most when Don's daughter calls him a sexaholic. Not a sex addict but a SEXAHOLIC. SEXAHOLIC. SEXAHOLIC. OK, my heart doesn't break, because I can't get over her calling her dad a SEXAHOLIC. He is rolling over in his grave or onto his Costa Rican Cutie with that shit. And I am laughing at his old ass Tina Belcher looking kid calling him a S E X A H O L I C.

Without giving too much away, and clouding your judgment, unless you are a fucktard and believe Carole Fucking Baskins is innocent, I will say this:

Don is actually alive in Costa Rica, laughing his head off at all this fuckery and probably pulling out some teeth to plant on the property that will help identify his body and cage that fucking cunt Carole, once and for all. And then he is going to run away with Anne, whom he has been really pining for his whole life, and be in some kind of awesome Costa Rican Thrupple. Now, that is the sequel I want to see.

And because I love you and want you to be happy, here is "Here Kitty Kitty" Joe's song about Carole killing her husband. And it is everything you want and need it to be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz_LZJCSwU4


See ya for Ep 5, all you cool cats and kittens

H-Bomb

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Tiger King Ep 2: Big Cats, No Limbs, Polygamy OH MY!




What in the actual fuck have we gotten ourselves into with Episode 2, y'all?! Right out the fucking gate, Kelci, better known as "Saff", got her motherfucking arm eating off by a goddamn tiger. A FUCKING TIGER. YOU KNOW, THAT SHIT YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET FROM TIME TO TIME...AND ARE LIKE, "THAT'S A BIG MOTHERFUCKING CAT."

First off, who has enough balls to put their arm through a fucking fence with a tiger chillin' on the other side?! Apparently this bad ass bitch. The craziest part was that she just laid there all calm and shit like she sprained an ankle.

The Tiger King comes to the rescue, wraps her no arm having ass up, and gets her ass to the hospital. Big ups to this motherfucker throwing on an EMT jacket, btw. Massive flex if you ask me.

I don't know what the fuck is in the water out there in Wynnewood, OK, but this bitch "Saff" went to work 5 days after getting her fucking arm amputated. Now, if that shit don't deserve a goddamn raise and promotion to CEO or whatever the fuck the rank is there, then I don't know what the fuck to say. Moving on...

Episode 2 gave us a glimpse into all these fools lives. Let's do the breakdown, shall we?

Joe Exotic - not much screen time on this episode. However, the more and more I looked at this dude, I realized if you mixed crystal meth and a can of Hamm's, this dude would form. And is it me, or Joe can make a music video of just about anything and think it's actually MTV worthy? Let's not forget about this dude and his two boyfriends - John Finlay and Travis. Hey John, meth is a helluva drug, bruh. This dude's teeth are so bad, that they've been practicing social distancing for years. The guy sucks dick ONE TIME and all of the sudden he's gay. Wait, what?! LOL. Moving on to Joe's other man Travis. This poor fucking kid is lost as fuck. Moves from Southern California to Oklahoma and one of the first thing he says is that he has big hands and big ass feet. Can you imagine the foot jobs he be giving Joe at night while he gets his stink ring tickled? Polygamy at its finest, folks!

Carole Baskin - I tried giving this bitch a chance and you know what? She is a cunt. And I swear to Jesus the Gardner, if I have to hear "Hey there all you cool cats and kittens" one more motherfucking time, I might happily volunteer and get run over by a goddamn bus while getting hit by every car along the way. Everything about her is suspect. From her "intern" program and making her staff work around the clock to the end of this episode where all of the sudden, her millionaire husband goes missing. We know you ain't right, Carole. We see right through your Kabala looking ass. Namaste, bitch.

Howard Baskin - all I have to say is that this dude looks like a priest who plays with little boys weiners. Next.

Rick Kirkham - if a cigarette and cigar had a kid, it would be this motherfucker. You know this dude never met a smoke he didn't like. For real though, he's probably the most sane dude on the show. Why he decided to produce Joe's stuff? It's because like us, he loves watching a train wreck you can't turn away from. Rick be looking puzzled every time he fucking talks.

Bhagavan "Doc" Antle - Doc is a mix between a 70's porn star, R. Kelly, Indiana Jones and a dad that wears Crocs with jean shorts and a white polo. This fool is a doctor of Mystical Science. I wish I was fucking lying. First of all, what in the actual fuck is that?! Mystical Science?! Motherfucker, you kick it with Harry Potter or something? GTFOH!!! Mystical Science my ass. The only thing mystical is your 3 wives titties. Which brings me to my next observation...this guy rolls like Joe and has 3 chicks by his side. I mean, his nickname is "Lord" and apparently, he digs chicks that are pretty much virgins. Instead of "Lord", we need to call this dude "The Virgin Surgeon".  Doc has so much pull that he even changes his chicks names. "Hey Lisa, your name is now Taint Goblin"...shit like that. Like Joe, he hates Carole. Basically, every motherfucker hates Carole. She'll probably read this column then ask to speak to the manager after.

Mario Tabraue - I'm not even joking when I say this but, he's the goddamn Scarface of the big cat world. Used to be a big time drug dealer, chopped some motherfuckers up, got caught slippin' and served his time. Now, he runs his own shit and has a bunch of exotic animals and like Joe and Doc, has a zoo. One that he calls "dummy proof". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he probably still deals drugs since he does after all have a high security and guarded property...like who you ask? Scarface, motherfuckers! DO NOT MESS WITH THIS MAN. If anyone should be afraid of anyone, it's this dude.

How will Episode 3 turn out? This is the train wreck that we can't turn away from, people. Especially since this episode ended with Carole's millionaire husband missing. Shit is about to get really fucking real if you ask me!

Until then...peace the fuck out!

J-Wun




Saturday, March 28, 2020

Tiger King Ep 1: The Hero We Didn't Need; The Hero We Deserved



Picture it: South Florida, March 2020. You are quarantined in your house, like a proverbial caged lion. You flip on Netflix, because why the fuck not, and all at once you feel hot, flushed, you're  breathing heavy, you can feel your eyes dilate. You know something BIG is happening, and you can't quite put your finger on it. You are high, but you aren't on actual drugs (ok, maybe some of us, but not like this). You are on this new shit, you are on TIGER KING.

If you are one of the few people who hasn't watched this show, I don't know what to tell you. This is what people call a goddamn cultural phenomenon. I have seen thousands of memes about this fuckery, and I am not even sick of them. I want more. I now get why those fuckers on Tiger King are addicted to meth. I am addicted to this show. And after that first hit, I knew it was going to be dangerous for me; I couldn't binge it all at once. I watched the first episode, and let it set the stage. I let it lovingly caress my synapses, with its mullets and toothless, shirtless, delights. I let the afterglow of knowing that I was going to go down this glorious, deep, dark well of polygamy wash over me. I stopped after one episode knowing that I would never be the same. And I was here for it.

Now, let me really set the stage for my first hit. The Silver Fox Fuck Boy and I had enjoyed some breakfast bourbon (it's bourbon in coffee, but ya know, we got keep it classy at 7:30 am) and are chilling on the couch, we flip on Netflix and the teaser for this show comes and and he asked me if I want to watch it. The above picture is the screen shot I took, because I wanted to remember the moment I knew, there is no going back after this. I am a Florida born and raised, lover of all things white trash, mullet aficionado, trailer fabulous, woman. This shit speaks to me on a cellular level. But NEVER have I ever born witness to what I saw in just the first episode of this show. I am going to try not to give spoilers away, but considering the internet is the internet and we are all cooped the fuck up, trying not to go Joe Exotic on our own Carole, it is what it fucking is here.

Speaking of Carole, imma say this right meow: Carole is a cunt and she killed her 1st husband. Don't @ me. And I know her from somewhere, I can't place my finger on it, but I know her. Also, I hated her immediately when she started talking. And what the fuck is with that one weird strand of hair that she has draped over the rest of her hair sometimes. Also, is anyone else having nightmares of Carole saying, "Hey all you cool cats and kittens!" Because when I hear her talk, I want to get in one of the cages with the cats and let them tear me from limb to limb.

The first episode watches like Stefan from Saturday Night Live is describing one of his fucked up clubs and then you realize this is the one that actually exists. This club is called "Methed Up" and you  giggle, cus you don't know if it is a den for drugs, or people reading Mike Tyson's lispy words. And then all of a sudden, you are in it, hanging on these people's every word, from Doc Antle, to that thundercunt Carole, to that sweet toothless man John, to the completely fucking bonkers Joe. You are transfixed. You, are like me, living in two worlds: the time before Tiger King and the time after Tiger King. It has been 6 days since I started watching this show and 3 since I finished it and I have started watching it again so that J-Wunder (I can't even bring myself to call him Wundercunt, because it sounds too much like Thundercunt and that is a name solely reserved for Carole. Cus she murdered her husband) and I can do an episode by episode synopsis. This episode gives you just enough of a taste of the good, good stuff, and before you know it, you are counting the minutes while you work from home, before you can sashay yo ass over to the couch and get your fix.

I do have one question about all of this - did Netflix know what the fuck they were about to unleash upon the world with this? I saw an article someone wrote saying that this was the next big binge, on 03/19/2020, and a week later, WHOOMP HERE IT IS. Did Netflix know that we would be balls deep in quarantine and chill, and people were gonna be about ready to fuck shit up because every time someone mentioned the word Corona Virus, you could only here Cardi B saying KKAAAAAAAARAHHHHHHHHHNAVIRUS? Did Netflix take one look at our barren, wasteland grocery stores, and think, "You know what these crazy, hoarding motherfuckers, need? Gay Polygamist Drug Addict Big Cat Zoo Keepers!"

And they were absolutely fucking right. Either this is end of days, or how we will heal from all of this Corona madness. My prediction - when this is all over, Joe gets out of jail and finally becomes President. Sorry, not sorry, for the spoilers.

Ok, hold up. 2 questions - was this the Tiger Blood Charlie Sheen was talking about? Is he some kind of Coke addled prophet? Is he our new messiah. Shit, no more breakfast bourbon and writing.

Meow,
H-Bomb
#LoveInTheTimeOfCorona


Thursday, February 27, 2020

Boys Don't Deserve Names



At some point in my generation, girls became women and we said enough is enough. Enough of boys dragging us through the dirt only for us to help them every step of the way. Enough of us trying to read signs and decode secret messages when he was just “playing it cool.” Enough of being stood up and ignored and ENOUGH BAD SEX. It was time we started playing the game as well.

The Game
What is the game you may ask? Let me explain with a short story.

Girl meets guy. Guy meets girl. They like each other. But they don't want each other to know that they like each other. So both of them will simultaneously try to make the other think that they don't like them. Such things as blowing each other off, ignoring each other, and talking to other people are common occurrences. These patterns will usually continue until one person says "fuck it" and decides to cut all ties with the other, also known as "ghosting." And because the other person does not want that person to think that they care that they're being "ghosted", they reciprocate the "ghosting"  in which neither party will ever speak again. The end.

This seems to be a general theme within our generation. HOWEVER, I think us goddesses have evolved even further (per usual) and have learned to really play guys like the back of our hand. So much so that most of the time we don’t even dane to call them by their real names. Thus, begins my series of boys who do not deserve names.

Italian Boy 
Ahhh to be young and naive in San Francisco again. And by young and naive, I mean 5 months ago before I learned how dating in a big city works (I’m 22 for reference). Meet, Italian Boy. My first lover in the golden city. Before I became completely engrossed in the dating app scene (we’ll get into this later), I actually met this guy in real life. Ok, so, it was in a club. BUT STILL. Maybe we didn’t meet in a grocery store between the peas and carrots, but at least technology wasn’t involved. It was a pretty typical occurrence. We caught eyes. I stared. He stared. We made out. He grabbed my butt. I got tired and ditched him to get burritos. However, he did get my number which is how this whole rendezvous got started.

Like most guys do, he began by trying to woo me. We went out to drinks. I met his friends. We went back to his place. We drank wine. He cooked us risotto. It was orgasmic...

He then continued to tell me why everything is better when it’s Italian. Italian wine. Italian food. Italian people. Oh, did I mention he was Italian? We then had passionate, great sex (although I didn’t orgasm, so was it really?) and I went on my merry way.

Over the next two weeks we hung out a few times. Saturday brunch. Drinks at his place. I started dirty texting him for the first time in my life ever (OMG), but eventually the texts became less frequent and I found myself asking him to hang out way more than he way asking me. So I asked him what his deal was and he said “I want to spend more time with my friends and not have a serious relationship right now.” Typical. So, I cut all ties only to text him a few weeks later that we should still see each other, but only in the most casual capacity, if you get my drift.

He agreed, but now I had the power. Over the next few weeks, I continued to ignore most of his texts except once or twice for when I occasionally gave in. HOWEVER, he started hitting me with the “you never respond ;),” “did you fall asleep last night,” and my favorite, “we should actually plan a time to hang out instead of leaving it up to chance.”

LIKE WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING WHEN WE FIRST MET?!!?! Bye bitch.

I still text this guy every once in a while but this is just to prove that men want you to be all over them until you actually are and then they want something else. Mic drop. Thank you, next.

TV Guy
Awww TV guy. Sad this one didn’t work out. Would have loved being a sports reporter wife and fucking all the players behind his back. Just kidding but…hahaha. This was the first 30 plus guy I fucked in the city (don’t judge). It started out normal (as they always do). Saturday Breakfast. I was extremely hungover for this and had to go to work after UHG. Drinks and dinner. Sex at his place.

Before things started to heat up, I came to find he likes to talk dirty, and by likes to talk dirty I mean REALLLLLYY likes to talk dirty. Here I was, second time meeting this guy, as he’s whispering in my ear that he wants to french kiss my pussy instead of my mouth. It was obviously a red flag, but I was horny so whatever. We went to his room and started messing around until I asked him to grab a condom. Of which he has the most typical response ever that he can’t get hard with a condom, which I know is actually a thing but guys are such babies about it. Anyways, I tell him to try since I’m not having unprotected sex with a practical stranger (even though I have and probably still will occasionally, no judgment here). And we end the night with mediocre, half hard, half soft sex while he repeats things like “you like that?” and “is that big enough for you.” Sigh. Boys are idiots.

So what happened after that? I’ll give you one guess.

Boo.

Finance Guy 
We’ve all had a finance guy in our life. Those VC’s you assume are rich but you have no idea what they actually do or how much they actually make. He was 30 again  (I know I’m predictable). I’ve been told it’s because I’m mature, but LOL AM I??? Anyways. This guy was pretty granola. He had a great bod and could hold a conversation, but I can’t seem to recall one personality trait I really liked about him. He also religiously used condoms and was wayyyyy too into missionary.

However, this was the first guy I ever tried butt stuff with, and he liked when I gave him a little butt attention as well. WAIT DID SHE JUST SAY BUTT STUFF?!!? GUYS LIKE BUTT STUFF??!!? Yes they do, and not just giving but receiving (no, not a dildo up the ass but let's just say my fingers lingered a little past the balls). I’m not sure when the butthole became such sacred territory. Vaginas literally bleed every month, but for some reason people freak out that shit comes out of the asshole. I really don’t get it. It’s also soooo cliche that butt stuff is soooo sexy when it comes to a guy doing it to a girl, but the second you bring attention to it for guys they all become little bitch boys and freak out. Whatever.

This relationship ended in a somewhat cringeworthy fashion with the condom ending up inside of me, and him having to buy me plan B. After which, neither of us spoke again. That’s one way to break it off with a boy lol.

Crutch Wrap Supreme 
Look!!! An age appropriate guy!!! He’s 25!!! Too bad I named him after a Taco Bell menu item. This guy was a friend of a friend of a friend. We were all hanging out at my friend’s place when all these boys came over. One of them I kind of knew, and he proceeded to express his love to me throughout the night, and I was kind of into it. BUT. HIS FRIEND. Started making moves on me, and I didn’t really know what to do at first. Because MY friend didn’t make any moves, I started canoodling with HIS friend and we started making out at the bar. Confused? Same.

OH. I forgot to tell you he was on crutches this whole time, hence the name.

Anyways. I was actually making out with him in a bar right next to Finance Guy’s place and was texting finance guy throughout the night. Because I started freaking out that I might run into them both at the same time, I decided to ditch Crutch Wrap Supreme and meet Finance Guy near his place. HOWEVER, as I left the bar Crutch Wrap Supreme was at and walked over to where I was going to meet Finance guy, these foreign dudes (maybe Italian) started talking to my friend and I. We (mostly me) took a few drags of their cigarettes as we chatted with them. AND THEN, CRUTCH WRAP SUPREME shows up at the place I was supposed to meet FINANCE GUY. I end up having to practice my ninja skills by running past Finance Guy, tapping his shoulder, and skipping around the corner, so he sees me, follows me, and gets out of the viewpoint of Crutch Wrap Supreme.

And that was the last I saw of Crutch Wrap Supreme. He had my number, and we texted back and forth a couple times, but he never followed up on his proposal to grab dinner.

I wonder why? hahaha

Philosopher Boy
I interrupt this program to bring you some actual wholesome content. I promise you I’m not a cold, hard bitch all the time. This is a prime example of those guys that are perfect. Meaning they check off all the boyfriend qualifications like taking you to fancy dinners, introducing you to their friends, listening to your rants, and genuinely just being a great person. BUT FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING REASON YOU JUST DON’T FUCKING LIKE THEM GOD DAMMIT.

Philosopher boy was great. He took me to restaurants with tasting menus. He surprised me with fun dates. He was a great kisser. He went to Princeton and could hold a great conversation, but he just wasn’t the one *sigh*. My friend and I even hung out with him together once and she told me she could tell I wasn’t into him. As hard as I tried, you just can’t force connection. And so I ended up having to break up with a guy I wasn’t actually in a relationship with but was so nice that I couldn’t just ghost him. After getting some input from my peers we crafted the perfect break up text that I’m just going to leave here in case anyone else ends up in this situation.

The Break Up Text
“Hey, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you, but I don’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I just want to be upfront and honest about my feelings and don’t want to lead you on...you’re such a great guy but just not the one for me.”

Barf. At least it’s not the “It’s not you, it’s me” bullshit.

Frisky Boy 
Get ready for some juicy shit. Ok, where do I even begin? This all started on Hinge when some boy wanted to test my friskiness via text. I ended up texting him and not really giving him much to work on because let’s face it, I had never met him before. He then ended up not responding to me for about a week, of which I responded by sending him, a complete stranger, a semi-nude because 1. I felt like it and 2. I honestly just wanted the attention. For reference, it was a photo of my bare legs with my panties at my ankles and my hand looking as if I was going to feel myself…oh so sexy. This completely surprised him and jump started our frisky connection. It turns out, he was one kinky motherfucker, and we started dirty texting like no other. I am very new to the dirty texting world, and he completely opened my eyes. He would tell me things like how he wanted to fold me over his table, tie me up and fuck me slowly in the ass. He would ask me for nudes at work, and I would dutifully take them in the bathroom stalls. I loveddd when he told me what to do which is very new to me since I HATE when people tell me what to do in real life. I guess giving up control was a sense of relief for me.

HOWEVER, although I loved doing what he wanted, I didn’t lose sight of the fact that he thought he was some real. hot. shit. He lovvveeeeeddd playing the “busy” card and the “I’m so important I can’t text you back” card. So. Naturally. I had to fuck with him a little.

The first time he ignored me for a full night, he had specifically told me to text him later and see if we could hang out. I texted him and he simply did not respond. We were supposed to hang out the next day, so I let him know in the morning, “If you think we’re hanging out tonight, you’d be wrong.”

He apologized and blubbered and shit, but that’s when I realized I had to play this guy in order to come out on top.

Next time he ignored me for a full day, I followed up with a text saying, “getting ready for a date tonight, is this cute?” and a pic of me in my sexy, black underwear. He responded within seconds. This just further proved my point he was trying to play games. Mind you, this was a 33 year old man. You’d think they'd get better. They don’t. He ended up trying to be mean at first by saying “Very cute. Are you excited?” But then followed up with “I like that you’re trying to make me jealous.” This then started our convo on how he wanted to know the type of guys I was dating, and who I had hooked up with in the past. I sent him pictures of the guys and told him how far I had gone with them. Like I said, kinky motherfucker.

He, AGAIN, was not giving me enough attention one day so I hit him with the “just so you know, I will be fantasying about you fucking me with another girl tonight.” He, again, immediately responded (so, so predictable) with a million questions of whether or not I’ve done that before and if I actually wanted to.

I told him I was curious about it (which I was), and he proceeded to tell me about the French, Vietnamese model he used to date who was really into women. We then ended up starting a group message with Frisky Boy, Hot Model Girl, and me, and we all started dirty texting each other and getting flirty. I was really down to make this happen.

HOWEVER, Frisky Boy did as Frisky Boy does, and ignored me again for the last time. I ended up confronting him about it of which he didn’t respond to me AGAIN. And so, I followed up with a “Goodbye forever :)” text and blocked him on everything. It may seem dramatic but he should be graveling at my feet for what I was about to do for him. I did recently follow Hot Model Girl on Instagram though, so maybe something fun will actually come out of this after all.

Hot Model Girl
I can’t say  too much about Hot Model Girl yet, but she DID follow me back on Instagram and we exchanged a few DMs. Nothing has happened yet, but I’ve realized I’m open to the idea of girl on girl. Who knew?

Boy I Actually Liked
Time for the grande finale. I thought I would end this series by getting a little vulnerable with you guys. It’s all fun and games when you’re talking about sex and fuck boys, but there’s some real shit I have to address as well.

There was this guy. We’re just going to call him just Guy for lengthy purposes. He was actually my roommate for a few months along with 6 of my other friends. We also were co-workers in the same department (oh, so spicy).

It started out fairly innocent. We’d flirt. Go to the gym together. Get lunch together. I had a bad day, he bought me chocolate. He’d photoshop my face onto fish. You know, the normal stuff. I was actually really into him (although I denied it constantly, and still deny it lol). I know I was into him because he annoyed the shit out of me. Why is it that the guys I actually like are usually the ones I can’t stand to be around?

I think it might have been because he really knew me. Most of these guys I talk about think I’m hot and pretty. Some of them think I’m smart or quirky, but none of them really see me. They don’t know what makes me tick or what drives me. Guy knew. And I knew it about him as well.

Looks wise, he was a dreamboat, tall, blonde, brown eyed and a little scruffy. He was one of those super passionate, artsy types which I am too, but in a different way. If he has an idea he HAS to make it happen and won’t really listen to other’s opinions about it. I guess I’m almost jealous of him in that way (almost). I, on the other hand, LOVE hearing what people have to say and analyzing it until I find the most probable outcome (I know, I’m such a nerd). I like creating art but I want to create collective visions, not just my own. Anyways, as you can imagine, us working together caused us to…butt heads. Then, having to live together only made things worse.

I kind of wish things had worked out differently. I actually think if we had met five years later I would have fallen in love with him. We’re still friends, so maybe that will be a new chapter down the line.

Although I’m definitely all over the place when it comes to guys (and maybe girls? lol), I think there’s still hope for me in finding love and I can’t wait to experience it all.

Xoxo,
Girl Without A Name