Thursday, October 3, 2019

Advice Column: The Grass Has Better Dick On The Other Side



J fucking Wunder,

I gotta question I need your sexy ass help in answering.

I'm a 50yr old female,good lookin' (i think) and recently separated from an 25 yr old marriage. Yes my soon to be ex is a major DOUCHE. 

My question is about sex. While married to my ex, sex was ok. Every once in a while it would be better than ok, but never great,and yes I treated it like gold, cuz he only got it once a week,  I might add.

Recently I've been letting a 40 yr. old married man hit my shit about 3-4 times a week. If I could FUCK him everyday, every morning, noon and night I would. This man does it so good, my toes curl just thinking about fuckin' him, my panties fall to the ground just hearing his voice. Serious talk, if I know in the morning, I'm gonna get fucked by him in the evening, I AM WET ALL FUCKIN' DAY...Like a water slide, no lie...

I like to be fucked by #1 so much, I've let him do all kinds of "first times" to me. Things I would NEVER had let my ex do.

 I'm driving my guy and girlfriends crazy with my behavior. See they know me as pretty independent, smart, confident woman and they don't get why I would let #1 control me like he does. And by control I don't mean like crazy control freak shit, I'm mean if he calls, I'm droppin' everything to meet him in a parking lot and give him the best blow job ever because that's what my #1 wants.

So here's my question: Who's really in control? Him because he can say "I'll be over in 10 minutes" and my answer is "what do you want me wearing, baby" and  whatever he says, you bet your sweet ass, he'll get it.

Or me, because by keepin' #1 happy I'm having FABU-FUCKIN'-LOUS sex???

Sincerely,
Slip 'N Slide



Dear Slip 'N Slide,

The first time I jerked off, I was a Freshman in high school. No lie. I was chillin’ at my boy, Saul’s house, and I was introduced to the art of “choking my chicken”. I had no clue what the fuck it was about, all I was told was to take the Big Gulp I just got done pounding, take it to the bathroom, rub some of his sister’s strawberry melon lotion on my wang and start yanking my shit til “I felt the volcano erupt”. Those were his exact fucking words too. “Bro, stroke your dick til you feel the volcano unleash from your body. Make sure you point in the cup. I don’t want you fucking up my mom's towels. They’re from Mexico and she’ll kill me if you get them crusty.” True story.

I went into his Mexican decorated ass bathroom with every candle of Mary fucking Magdalene and Jesus staring at me and went to town on my ding-a-fucking-ling. Hard as a pound puppy and lubed up like a whore’s mouth in a 10-man gangbang, I was feeling a sensation that I never thought I would ever feel. With every goddamn stroke, I was feeling this tingle. A tingle so fucking exhilarating that I felt like I was going to explode. Then it happened…

KA-BOO-YA-BLAM-O ALL UP IN THE HIZ-OUSE!!!! (y'all just took a deep ass breath, huh?)

My little ass pecker was like a motherfucking fire hose squirting everywhere. It felt so goddamn good that I forgot to aim IN the cup and came ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE. There was jizz all over my buddies mom’s towels from Tijuana...some more baby gravy on the sink…hell, I even came all over the Mary Magadalene and Jesus candles. And you know what? IT FELT MOTHERFUCKING WONDERFUL. Not that I came all over Jesus and Mary, but that I actually came like an elephant taking a piss at the zoo (if you've never seen an elephant take a piss, you need to watch that shit. It's motherfucking mesmerizing). And you know what happened from that day forth? I jerked off every fucking day. Three times a day. FOR YEARS. I was a goddamn functioning jerker off-er. Didn’t matter if I had sex with some broad, I still did my jerk off ritual like it was the very first time (minus the religious candles, Mexican towels and a 64 ounce Big Gulp). Just saying.

I wasn't addicted to jerking off. I was addicted to busting a nut. I became a monster. The hand fucking version of the Incredible Hulk. Don't get it twisted though, I wasn't a goddamn perv jerking off in every place I could. Just the usual spots - bathroom, shower, bedroom, high school locker room (before basketball games, of course), girlfriend's mom's bedroom. Wait, what? What was I saying again? Oh yeah...I was a masturbating monster that couldn't stop. Because honestly, I didn't want to. The feeling was just too damn motherfucking good. I had every excuse to yank my pole. Headache? I'm jerking off. Stressed? That's right...I'm playing tug-n-pull. Happy? You bet your sweet ass I was making it rain 1 million children. Sad? Sympathy masturbation. Angry? Hate fucking...my hand. You get the picture.

The point I'm trying to make here Slip 'n Slide Magee is that if you experience something so great that you want that feeling over and over and over again, you're gonna keep doing it. Why? Because you've never felt something so amazing like that before. In your case...25 goddamn years. That's a long fucking time to never feel something so good, you come back for more. Ya feel me?

You fucking Jack Hammer Johnson is like the first time I masturbated in my buddies bathroom...it's a feeling that can't be explained to those who never experienced such a fucking thing. Sure there may be a debate from your friends that "sex ain't that good to just leave your peeps at the drop of a hat." Fuck yeah it is...you just haven't experienced it yet. Good sex is a hard thing to find believe it or not. I mean, if you can stay wet for 8-12 hours, this dude must be doing something right or you're just a goddamn whore looking for cock that is willing to fuck you after 25 years of your pussy being famished. The flood gates have finally opened in the Sahara.

Keep doing what you're doing because in the end, it's gonna go down one of two ways:

1) You're gonna keep fucking Jack Hammer Johnson because it really is THAT good.

OR

2) You're gonna realize you're really bored and you just got excited because you had new cock after 25 years of being miserable...so you decide to become a whore and fuck a rainbow of cocks instead of just one.

Oh, and as for who's in control of your fuck fest situation? No one is...because did you ever realize that maybe, just maybe Jack Hammer Johnson fucks you good because he hasn't had pussy in 25 years too?


I'll let you fuck me...for 2 dollars,

J-Wunder

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Oh, You're Offended? Sorry, Not Sorry.





What the fuck is up with sensitive ass motherfuckers these days? Like, for reals.

You know people, I've been blogging for almost 9-10 years now, along with running a fan page for Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for a hot minute. The entertainment I want to give is endless at times!

And for those that follow me, y'all know I LOVE it! Shit gives me a chubby at least 4 days a week, 3 times a fucking day. And for someone who writes for fun and post pics for entertainment, my main goal is to ALWAYS make sure I can at least make one of you motherfuckers laugh. Doing so not only reminds me that I did my job BUT, made someone's fucking day...especially after dealing with a shitty one. Laughter is the best medicine. Can I get an AMEN?!

Someone like myself who doesn't take social networking to the extreme, the one thing I gotta say is that some cats take this shit like it's life or death. Truth.

For example, on my Facebook Fan Page, I have close to 250K followers. Some have been with me since the very beginning. Some fans are fairly new and digging the fuck out of what I post. And THEN, there are some (like 2%) who are clueless as fuck and need to hit that "UNLIKE" button...like, immediately. It's that certain small percentage that is wrong with our goddamn society. It's all fun and games until YOU dislike something and act as if it's the end of the fucking world. SMH.

I have NEVER understood people who like a page, love everything about it UNTIL they see a post they don't like or agree with, then get all offended and shit bc someone had to post something you didn't agree with. You for real, motherfucker? Stop bullshittin'.

How in the living fuck could you like a page and be offended by what is posted? You realize the page you're on, motherfucker?! That's like me hiring a hooker and giving her hand shakes and high fives and not fucking or getting a reach-around...it makes no goddamn sense. If you're so offended and acting like a little bitch, why say anything? Does it bug you THAT much that it ruins your day? Because guess what? It's the fucking Internet, asshole. You know what I do if I follow something that I don't like? I don't respond bc it's either 1) Not funny, 2) Not my thing or 3) So stupid that it really isn't worth my time, a "Like" or better yet, a fucking response.

I never understood these motherfuckers. They laugh and "LIKE" all the shit someone post, but as soon as something is posted that they're guilty of or isn't to their liking...oh shit...watch out! We got a bad ass over here who is mad as fuck, y'all!

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT!

You serious right now? That's like going to Pornhub.com and expecting to see some Christian Mingle shit, people.

Here's an idea: go to Home Depot and buy yourself a shit ton of wood, build a bridge then get the fuck over yourself.

Some of you Internet lovers who have nothing better to do need to lighten the fuck up and find something better to do with your goddamn time. Like maybe find a fucking job or figure out who the fuck your baby daddy is. Straight up. Hobbies are nice too.

Too many times (lucky for me, not much on my pages), I see this shit happening. Sensitive ass bitches crying about jokes. You that upset, fuckmouth? Realize, you tripping over nothing not only makes you look like a fool, but the biggest Monkey Mouth Bitch for FOLLOWING the person you're hating on. That's called "Trolling" for you folks behind the times.

It's the Internet, people. For fucks sake, your life isn't at fucking risk. You think you're that fucking special that people and their pics or post should cater to you? Fuck that! Welcome to the world of jokes and real world shit that a majority of people don't talk about but are thinking.

It boggles my degenerate fucking mind that instead of worrying about shit that happens in our daily lives, more people are worried about what the "Suck My Dick, You Cock Sucking Whore" fan page posted last week at 5:10pm. You've been a fan since 2014, motherfucker. What the fuck do you think was going to be posted on a page that has the phrase, "Cock Sucking Whore"? Jesus Christ cumming on a fucking cracker. Wake the fuck up!!!!

I know I sound like a broken record but c'mon, fam...why do some of y'all take shit to the Nth degree? It's the Internet. If you don't like shit, then ignore it. Turn the other fucking cheek. Go to the gym. Post a selfie. No one gives two fucks why you're offended...especially if you're guilty of being a fan. Do you hear me knocking? Then let me in, bitch!

Chill out and lighten the fuck up. There's more shit to worry about than you being offended about meaningless fucking shit. Unless your ass is the Pope, calm the fuck down, motherfucker. Everyone got jokes. It's just that sometimes, not everyone is gonna see eye to eye. And you know what?

That's alright.

No go in peace and offend somebody.

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Advice Column: Men Have A Cock For A Reason



Dear J-Wunder,

Lately I've noticed this fag bag of a friend and his pathetic ass posts on Facebook. I need to get your take on this because I'm not sure if I want to kick this guys ass or throw him into a pit of fire. Every day he cries like a little bitch..."You don't know what you got til it's gone..." "Time to get my mind off things..." "Love takes time to heal..." Is this dude fucking serious? It seems like he wants people to posts comments just so he feels like he's getting the attention he is looking for. 

I love my friend, but fuck...I can't take this shit anymore. What's the deal? 
Your REAL advice is needed. 

Sincerely,
Men Have a Cock for a Reason



Dear Men Have A Cock for a Reason,

I couldn’t agree with you more…a dude's wang is just about his only redeeming quality. Oh wait, that’s not what you were getting at huh? Sorry, I got sidetracked for a quick second.

Look, I think your friend is just looking for some fucking sympathy. What a sad, sad sack of shit...casting out his hook – baited with vague tales of woe – in the hopes of landing some concerned responses by a bunch of gullible ass people. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for fucking attention. This though, is about the worst case I’ve ever come across. We all have friends that didn’t get hugged enough as a child and use Facebook as their crying wall...but this motherfucker takes the goddamn cake. Two words: Man-Gina.

If you’re wondering, no, you shouldn’t punch this ass-clown in the face. Maybe, unfriend him if you can’t handle it. I know it's tough reading your News Feed with all his silly-sack-of-shit heartbroken posts, but unfriending him in the "social networking" world might save you from finding the urge of running this motherfucker over with your truck. No need to get all psycho on a buddy that acts like a little bitch, right? Unless you're from Florida and are prone to doing crazy shit since there's something in the water in that goddamn place. Nothing surprises me these days.

The solution is pretty simple, my friend: it sounds like your whiny bitch of a friend needs to HARDEN THE FUCK UP. And I'm not talking about getting his cock hard either. I'm talking about being a goddamn man and not some crying fucking douche bag that gets all emotional over stupid shit. Men hang out with other men...pussy belong on women last time I checked. Then again, we have Kaitlyn Jenner. Wait, what?! Calm down you sensitive fucks. It's a joke. But I digress...

God, if only it were that easy.

Honestly, I would call him out like the little bitch that he is, and tell him to grow a fucking pair. And if he has a big pair that he's already packing, tell him to get that shit checked out because vaginas don't look like franks and beans. It is quite possible though that he doesn’t realize what a vagina he is being, and it just needs to be called to his attention. He might thank you...OR, he just might slap you in the face (notice I said “slap”). Either way, the situation has grown so grave that your options are limited.

Like you said, men have a cock for a reason, and those who act like they don’t, need to be called-the-fuck-out. I know I speak on behalf of some men, that women don't want a whiny fucking bitch for a man, and quite honestly, I don't even know any chicks that whine as much as this dude. Not even the crazy bitches.

Godspeed,

J-Wun

Monday, September 30, 2019

Advice Column: Taking One For The Team



Dear J-Wun aka Ghetto Genius, 

Been following you for a minute and can't thank you enough for coming back. Days are much brighter now. Ok, my question for you - A few weeks ago, my buddies and I were at a bar.  We got shit faced and ended up meeting a group of random hot chicks.  The problem was, the chick I ended up talking to the whole night thought she was SO fucking hot when really, she was fluffy, wore inappropriate clothes for her size, talked way too much about herself and thought she was the whole 9.  I was completely drunk and I realized beer goggles couldn't get past trying to "take one for the team" with the chubster.  Even though I knew I had to so my buddy could get laid.     

What gives man? 

Sincerely,
Taking One for the Team



Dear Taking One for the Team,

All men have made the sacrifice.  The grenade jumping, dynamite diving, the bazooka belly flop.  I'm talking about hooking up with THAT one heinous chick so that your buddy could seal the deal with her friend.  And when I say, "seal the deal," I'm talking about smashing.  Plain.And.Simple.  Keep in mind too, when I say THAT chick, I don't mean that in any type of cool or pimp daddy way.  Hell nah.  I mean that as something you should take with a grain of fucking salt, bundle it up and throw it away.  Forever.  Take it to the grave.  Don't forget to bathe in 50 fucking bath bombs made from all things Clorox product related for a few days too.

Taking one for the team is something you should never be proud of. HOW-THE-FUCK-EVER, if it gets your buddy laid, then that shows loyalty and good karma. Because when it's time for you to step up to the plate and smash that hot chick from across the bar, that favor you did for your buddy will pay off ten-fold. Well...sometimes. I mean, if your buddy is a total fucking dickbag, then it looks like you'll be either masturbating with your tears when you get home, or banging another broad with a brown bag over her head. But hey, sometimes dry streaks happen. But I digress...

I remember when I jumped on my first grenade. It was in college. And it was fucking awful. The bitch was ugly as sin, loved to eat, talked a lot and had more hair on her vagina than a 70's porn star.  Now you're probably asking, "Why did you choose to have sex with her, J-Wunder?!" I didn't. I was fucking wasted beyond belief.  It just so happened that when my buddy took a fellow lady on a ride to Pound Town, it was in the living room of the hot chick and her ugly roommates apartment. That right there called for me and cyclops to go to her room. Cyclops? Yeah, the bitch was cross-eyed so bad, it looked like she had one fucking eye. Try sitting in a room, wasted, and have someone hitting on you.  Wanting the dilznick so fucking bad that they basically take off their clothes to implicate they want to fuck you.  I never sobered up so fast in my life. Matter of fact, I was so scared to touch her that my dick inverted into my stomach which made me look like, I too, had a vagina. A shaved one...but nonetheless a mud flapping imposter.

Here I am, willing to jump on a grenade, but not risk my life. Risk my reputation. Risk the very thought that J-Wunder fucked a one-eyed girl with a vagina the size of a London Broil. No way, no fucking how was this happening. Then came the questions?

What? You're too good for me? I'm too ugly? Why did you come over to my apartment if you didn't want a piece? Are you scared to be taken advantage of by a REAL woman?

This bitch obviously didn't get the memo that was sent out to the crew. Am I too good for you?  Based on looks, One-Eye Bandit, yes. Are you too ugly?  Have you looked at yourself in the fucking mirror lately? For fuck sakes, you're atrocious lady!  Hey, sorry for sounding like a complete fucking dick, ladies, but for fucks sake...I'm just being real!

Why did I come over to your apartment if I didn't want a piece? Bitch, two things: 1) My buddy wants to bang your hot ass roommate then cum on her back, so I'm here for support, 2) The only piece of anything I want, is that fucking slice of pizza I warmed up in your microwave that I can't go get now, because there's a goddamn fuck fest going on in your living room. Are you scared to be taken advantage of by a REAL woman?  The only thing real is that fucking bush you call pubic hair.

Never thought I would encounter a grenade so big. So difficult. So damn fucked up. But I'm a guy, and guys follow guy code. Til fucking death. Now does that mean I need to touch this chick? Nope.  As long as I keep her occupied until my buddy and her roommate finish, then mission accomplished.  You need to understand, it's these women, that keep the hot chicks from fucking dudes. They spoil that moment. The moment when the guy thinks he has it in the bag then cyclops walks up. All of the sudden the Haterade kicks in. She's tired. She wants to go home. That guy looks sleezy. He might have an STD. Blah, blah, blah.  Do you know how many other dudes had to deal with this chick so their buddies could bang the chick my buddy was fucking? Hundreds. I'm just sayin'.  Now, how many guys actually went through with fucking good 'ol One-Eyed Willy remains to be seen, but I bet she got hers. Which brings me to my point of your question.

This chick that you couldn't get yourself to fuck has fucked dozens of men based on taking advantage of the grenade rule. She plays the game because she knows that's the only way she'll get laid (nowadays, people will just fuck to fuck). Hell, if not laid, then at least giving someone dome. Think about it. You know you're ugly as shit so why not hate on men if you know all they want to do is nail your roommate/friend? Men hate chicks that hate, that's why we created the grenade rule. Cyclops is now reaping the benefits because of this rule. But don't get it twisted. Girls do this shit too...take one for the team when it comes down to SERIOUS desperate times and measures. So yeah, feel bad if you're the grenade. Shit, I know I've been a time or 40.

Your experience with Fatty Magee knows this rule all too well. It's up to you to either do what I did and keep her occupied by playing 3 hours of card games. Or, just say fuck it and go deep sea fishing my friend. Either way, your buddy will be proud and have your back when it's time for you to get yours.

Bros before Hoes,

J-Wunder

Friday, September 27, 2019

Advice Column: Your Friend Is Not The Problem



Dear Ghetto Genius,

Okay so when i was about 12 i noticed my friend was gay..i knew he was gay b4 i even knew what gay was. HE WAS FLAMING! and it has gotten worse over the yrs and i found out why....u see his mother is also his sister....yes motherfucker u read that shit right and his father is also his brother....YES INCEST BRED A CHILD. *shudders* no wonder he is soooo screwed up! he looks like gothika..or samara from the ring... he makes one ugly ass women and an even uglier man...and he claims he is a female..but has kept his male name...i could have physically vomited!! anyway i jus wanna know how the hell do i accept him? it gives me the creeps but we have been friends since we were kids...yikes.



Dear Whoever You Are,

Jesus Fucking Christ. I'm gonna go ahead and leave your 3rd grade education out of this...for now. I'm not sure how you know someone is gay if you don't even know what the fuck gay is. Did you think you invented that shit when you made your little "discovery"? You give yourself a lot of fucking credit. So now you don't even know if you can be friends with this dude? You said it yourself, that this person has been your friend since you were a goddamn kid. You clearly had something in common with him at some point, and HOW he was conceived and by whom, should be of no fucking consequence to you. I don't see the connection between his gayness getting "worse" over the years "because of" who his parents are. Are you really telling me that you think he's MORE gay because Uncle Daddy fucked Auntie Mommy or whatever? REALLY? Get the fucking fuck outta here!!!

If you're any kind of friend, or have a decent bone in your body, you will realize that this guy, because of who/how he is, probably doesn't have a lot of friends, and the prognosis for more, better friendships is pretty fucking bleak so maybe you should stick around and be part of his support system. Makes you a real hero, doesn't it? Fuck no, it doesn't. It makes you a REAL FRIEND, motherfucker. I think you're missing some very important points in dismissing your friend because he is "flaming". Gay bros make some good ass friends, especially for chicks...and I'm a dude telling you that shit. You can do all the stuff you do with girlfriends, and then some. You can learn how to make your gag reflex a thing of the distant fucking past (best thing a gay ever taught some of my homegirls, by the way). You can go out to dinner and dancing with a guy who treats you nicely and knows how to dress without having to worry about the awkward, end of the night, "I like you, but don't really want to fuck you" scenario. The answer you're asking for boils down to whether you possess basic human fucking decency. Do you, twatsicle?

You know what a normal, non-fucking-judgmental, equality loving person would do? BE.HIS.FUCKING.FRIEND.YOU.FUCK. Show up for him at his drag shows, help him tape his cock to his leg or wherever they want to bend it, cheer him on when he does his Cher impersonation, hold his wig and jewelry when he gets to throwing hands with the other fucking queens...you know, the shit that FRIENDS do. Unless you can't. If you're so disgusted by this person who has been your friend for half of your fucking life (or more), then bounce. Just get the fuck out and go find some "better" friends. If, as you said, he makes you want to "physically vomit" (though I'm not sure of any other way to vomit), then get to fuckin' steppin' and don't ever look back, Seabitchcuit. He deserves some dignity and respect from his long-time friend who can't see her way around to loving him for who he is, so don't try to let him down easy to ease your own sorry excuse for a conscience. Tell him that you can't be his friend because his gayness makes you want to vomit. Yeah...your little "dilemma" is one you created for yourself by being an uptight, narrow-minded fucktard.

So, I says to myself:  "Self, what's this bitch's REAL problem?"

It would seem that YOU and your perceptions are the problem, not your friend, who has known who and what he was since the (first) day Cousin Doctor slapped him on the ass. It seems like he would be better off without a "friend" like you, who knows only how to fucking judge him for smoking pole instead of munching box. Did your daddy not fucking hug you enough or what?

You Got Problems,

GG

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Can't Get Out Of This One, Granny!








The Angry Employee Who Hates His Female Co-Workers




best of craigslist > philadelphia > To the women who work in my office... I hate you
Originally Posted: Fri, 10 Nov 16:56 EST 


To the women who work in my office... I hate you

Date: 2006-11-10, 4:56PM EST

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don't know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like: who you callin'for? or "he in a meetin' right now" or my personal favorite, "who this is?" I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can't stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can't do either of those things! 

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I'm not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don't know how you don't notice it. I'm going to buy you deodorant for Christmas. 

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don't know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It's disgusting, and we don't want to hear about it, so keep your voice down. 

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don't insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone. 

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don't wear panties. 

Boss' old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared- it's Evan. 

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don't care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard. 

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it! 

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don't want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don't know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then! 

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn't slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn't respect you any less. 

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I'm pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man. 

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son... yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office... not a brothel. 


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Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Guardians of The Glucose



Imma be real real with everyone. I am fucking tired. I have been working since I was 14; I was in the service industry for 15 years and have been a day walker in administration/finance for about 15 years. And for those of you trying to do the math to figure out how someone who looks 30, acts 14 (on a good day), and claims to be almost 40, could have been working for 30 years, let me help you out. Honestly, I am an 800 year old swamp witch. God, it feels so fucking good to share my truth. Really and Truly (not the awful inbred bastard sister of White Claw) I was working 2 jobs for different periods of my life because, again trying to be 100% transparent, drugs are expensive.

In all of those years working, I have come to the realization that I fucking wasted my prime body years not stripping. There, I said it. Now, the only place that wants to see my almost 40, slightly dimpled ass drop down and get my eagle on is the Clermont Lounge in ATL. Alas, with all the shoes I do have, none are of the clear plastic variety. I ALMOST said the Condor, but I am only 40, not 70 and I don't have a fresh bullet hole and a raggedy c-section scar, so I may never be able to live up to their impeccable standards of nudity. A girl can dream, though. Le Sigh.

Since my dreams of stripping have been ever so slightly quashed by my love of carbs, and let's be real honest here, I already said I was fucking tired and I know my bitch ass ain't gonna be working the clubs at 2 am on a Saturday anymore. I am straight Monday day shift, if that. As usual, I digress. All this talk of stripping came about, kind of as a joke, with my father (judge all you want, the dude is a fucking legend) because I was recently laid off and having taken a loan from Dear Old Dad, he was trying to help me figure out what my options were, since he didn't want me driving Uber and getting murdered. So I told him I would start looking for a Sugar Daddy to help alleviate some of the burden on my actual father. That one he was kind of ok with. What a time to be alive, kids!

But H-Bomb, you and the Silver Fox Fuck Boy are back together! And? But you are so happy together! And? But he does that thing that makes you almost black out? AND?? And then I thought for a second, "Am I the only weird person who has a Sugar Pact with their SO?" What is a Sugar Pact, you ask? Take a seat Dear Ones, Auntie H-Bomb finna take you on a magic carpet ride.

A Sugar Pact is agreement between people, whereby you are allowed to go on get your fucking thang, if the paper is on point. I live in South Florida, where there is no shortage of old people with new money and newer faces/body parts. You don't even know if the old fucker staring at you is 50 or 80 or an 800 year old Swamp Witch, thanks to all the fillers, injectables, plastic surgery, etc. I am fucking flabbergasted that with the current heat waves we've been having, this place isn't littered with plastic parts from elders who simply fucking expired one day, like milk.

When I am out with Silver Fox Fuck Boy (yes yes, more on that later), I will ALWAYS point out some old ass bitch, with new ass tits, and be like, "Her? Her? HER????" because that is the best part of the Sugar Pact- when one SO benefits, the whole team benefits! This is not about one person singularly getting to reap the benefits, oh no no no no NO...if you or someone you love is about to bone down on some old people parts for money (or any of the other things that you get in that kind of arrangement), you need to sit your ass down and be ready for them when they get home with a strong ass fucking drink, a hot shower, and some non-octogenarian booty, to thank them for their service. It's the patriotic thing to do!

And since this is the age of equal opportunity, this goes both ways (like me!). Silver is also very reciprocal at pointing out folks of a certain age and means to me, because in all fairness that motherfucker likes shoes and clothes and booze just as much as I do. And when one of us wins, we all win. Again, I am often wondering if I am the only person who feels this way and lo and behold, I am not.

I was recently texting with my friend B, and we got on the subject of working too much, money etc. And she said, "I am always down for a Sugar Daddy" to which I replied, "So Same, Silver and I have a pact regarding any kind of Sugar Opportunities." Her next reply almost took the wind out of my sails.

"If Husband passed up a sugar momma opportunity, I would be pissed." Now, to understand my audible gasp, you have to know these two lovely people. From the outside, they are your typical South Florida Couple; Married a long time, hard working professionals, who also love boats and hoes. But, B is a special breed, all sweetness and innocence on the outside and pure fucking raunch on the inside. I think she might be one of the few women who rivals my love of strippers and bad decisions. So, even knowing what I know about her, this was a bit of a revelation. Then, we broke it down. This is not about sex, this is about helping people who want to spend their money on people who want to spend money. Simple as that. She then went on to tell me how one night, a long time ago when her husband was a valet, a lady asked him to get her car or if he wanted to take her home. Her first question was, "What kind of car was it?" When he told her it was a Jeep Cherokee, she said that she would have been pissed if he did, but if was a Bentley, she would have been pissed if he didn't. My girl knows the difference between a Sugar Momma and a Splenda Momma!

If you are reading this thinking South Florida is nothing but fucking Gold Digging ass bros and hoes, let me make something clear. You are 100% right and also, go fuck yourself. At this age, you can think whatever the fuck you want to think about me. If I am not hurting you, or your relationship, you can tooderooooooooooooo the fuck over there and judge away. Imma sip champagne cus I am thirstayyy. And when you and your group of Karens are all joking about how nice it would be if you had an extra set of hands to help around the house, "because Brad is always out with the boys," or another person to take care of your Significant Other's needs because, "After taking care of Mackayleigha and Jaquexon you are too damn tired for sex," and calling each other "sister wives" as a joke, just think back to this little post.

Whatever you do, don't let them go Sugar in The Raw!

H-Bomb