Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Dear Ghetto Almighty Genius,
What the fuck is up with my girl? We've been dating for 3 years and lately, she's been dressing like she's some single bitch on the prowl. She's never dressed like some chick on a hoe-stroll before and I'm confused as to why the fuck she is now!!!
We've had our differences for the last few months and she says I don't appreciate her but bro, I work all fucking day and I'm just trying to get paid and take care of my girl. She says we don't spend enough time together and that I'm always out late when I choose to hangout with my boys instead of her.
I don't know what's going on. She's telling me I'm not into it and I think she's trying to find a new man because of the way she's dressing lately.
What do YOU say? Be honest because maybe I might need a wake-up call if it's me.
Bitches Be Trippin'
Dear Bitches Be Trippin',
If I didn't know any better, you sound like you're the one trippin', man.
Chill the fuck out and take some notes, playboy.
First off, for someone who has been dating his girl for 3 years that calls them a "bitch," I'm going to assume you're an asshole already. Angry much?
Secondly, for someone who works all the goddamn time and chooses to spend his free time with his boys rather than his girl, I'd say you're an asshole for that too.
I'm not here to bash on a brother, but fuck...you really wrote me about this shit?
NEWSFLASH: You a stupid motherfucker, motherfucker.
Did you even read what the fuck you just wrote? Let me give you a second to re-read this shit.
Now, I get how relationships work as well as women because for starters, I've had my fair share of relationships and secondly, I love women...even them crazy bitches. What you need to realize is that while you get all fucking mad about your girl trying to look better than she already looks, here you are bitching like a little twatsicle, hoping I'm going to side with you because you're a dude.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT!
Bro, if I didn't know any better, I'd say your girl is either A) Trying to get your attention because your ass isn't currently giving her any, B) Really is trying to get some ass because you're not giving her any, or C) Doing her own thing because you're doing yours.
FACT: Women are some evil bitches. You fuck around and do some shit like spend less time with them and give them excuses like, "I work all the time because I want to give you a better life," they will find a way to drive you crazy and make you think of some God awful shit. It's reverse psychology at its fucking finest. Real talk.
I can sit here and assume you are still with your girl because its been 3 long years and you're just a lazy motherfucker who is too chicken shit to let her go because she might find that the grass is definitely greener on the other side of Dicksville. I mean, what motherfucking man in his goddamn right fucking mind ignores his girl for his boys, then bitches that she's looking all fly but not take the initiative to capitalize on that and go to town? Only man I know is one who A) Is cheating on his broad, B) Is controlling as shit and wants his gal to sit the fuck at home and be bored while he goes and fucks around, C) Is bored and doesn't even want to deal with the bitch or D) All of the above.
C'mon man...you gotta be a stupid motherfucker if you think for a goddamn second your girl don't know what the fuck is going on. She's a woman for fuck's sake. Bitches key in on shit before shit ever happens. All Jedi-Mind fuckery. That's why I used to date crazy bitches...so I can learn and study this shit and tell stupid fucks like you what the fuck is going on, playa! Ya heard?!
When you're in a relationship, you have differences. You argue. Some people take that shit to the next level and all of the sudden there's a court date for a domestic violence dispute. That's how shit is. But your situation is different. Your girl says you don't appreciate her and to be honest, I don't think you do. For someone who works all the time and spends his free time with his boys, every motherfucker reading this thinks the same and are probably saying to themselves, "This dude is an asshole." If you appreciated your girl, you'd spend time with her. Actually, your ass would MAKE time for her. So what she's dressing like a bitch on a hoe-stroll. You know what I'd do if I saw that shit? I'd take her to the side, rip off her wardrobe that she probably bought at Wet Seal, pull them panties to the side, eat the living fuck out of her pussy, then fuck her like she was my bitch in prison. Wait, what?
That's how you do shit, son!
While you sit here and cry like a fucking baby, what you should be doing is showing your girl some goddamn love. Sure she might be on the prowl but who you gonna blame? Her for being a cunt or you for being a selfish asshole who got too comfortable in his relationship and forgot how to treat a broad that you so-call "work to take care of"? Shit or get off the fucking pot.
Maybe your girl is dressing the way she is to get your fucking attention. Ever thought of that, slap dick? But maybe she is fucking someone else. I mean, you ain't fucking her so if a bitch is thirsty, she gonna find a trough to drink from. I'm just sayin'.
Sometimes motherfuckers don't want to wait around if you're gonna do your own shit. You are one motherfucker that doesn't know how to prioritize. You need to bitch less, and fuck more. And if you are fucking but not your girl, tell her you're done. Trust me when I say this...she'll probably thank you for it.
Haters to the left,
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
We've all had them. Those shit-sucking, mood-busting, whiskey dick moments that ruin a good fucking bang or ruin a promising one before it even starts. We asked some of you, our fan faithfuls, what has ruined it for you and you gave us some great (and somewhat disturbing/twisted) fucking feedback. Yeah...we took some liberties with your answers because we're goddamn geniuses and you're not. Wait, what? So without further adieu, check out the Top 10 Things That Ruin Sex. Enjoy!
10. Phone calls/texts:
If your phone rings or you get a text and you actually TAKE IT while engaged in pleasuring your lover/fuck buddy orally or fucking their brains out, you are DONE. It's over. The second you got up to get that phone, their snatch dried up like a dead snake in the desert or their dick went straight parapalegic on you. When you are pleasing your man/woman, ignore that fucking phone!!! On the real - not only is it ill-advised, it's just bad fucking manners. Don't try to fuck up our vibe.
The same shit as above applies. If you want the TV on, no problem. But you better not watch that shit, even for a SECOND. Turn the volume down if that shit distracts you, because if your rhythm starts to match the song on whatever commercial is on, motherfuckers WILL be fighting. True story. If you hear a whistle because Kobe fouled somebody and is acting like a bitch about it and you stop to see what the call was? Yep...fightin'. Bitches will not hesitate to lock up the pussy on the spot. Oh, and ladies...stop trying to concentrate on the drama that's unfolding at the Jenner house. You know Bruce is gonna get more plastic surgery, Kim is about to cry about some bullshit and Kris about to fuck Drake in a porno. DVR that shit, people! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Are we fucking or are we gonna recite lines from Friends, motherfucker?!
I like a good bite on parts of my body during sex, who doesn't? You can make me your bitch, tell me to pick you up and throw you around like a fucking rag doll...hell, demand that I pull your fucking hair, and maybe go in for a one handed choke to the throat on special occasions, but do not EVER think it will turn me on if you want me to slap or punch you in the face or get you into a full-on, arm bar. I dated a gal back in the day who thought that foreplay was the same as when her siblings used to beat her ass when she was growing up. It wasn't until I bit her titty that she stopped all the bullshit. I mean, the bitch karate chopped my balls but she learned her lesson. I'm down for some kinky shit, not domestic violence.
7. Don't touch me here/there:
This was one of my favorite answers from our fan Q&A: “My wife and I have been married for 8 years. When we have sex, there is always a “script”. She goes down on me (for about 90 seconds), I go down on her (until she says to stop), then it’s time to fuck. This is usually the time I fucking check out. "Don’t touch my tits, they hurt." "Don’t put your hands in/on/around my pussy." "Don’t slap my ass or pull my hair." "I don’t want to turn/bend over, it hurts when you do that."
Are you fucking kidding me, motherfucker?! Newsflash:
If you have been involved with that kind of sex for eight fucking years, not only do I question your sanity, but also your goddamn intelligence. Do you not know that there are women out there who actually LIKE to fuck? Who LIKE different positions and who LIKE to actually be TOUCHED during sex? Sounds like sex with your wife is about as exciting as...well, I can't think of anything less exciting than sex with your fucking wife, except a case of the clap. See if you can find a way to retrieve your nuts and car keys from that bitch’s fake Fendi and don’t leave anything behind but fucking skid marks and dust.
6. Doing all the work:
"Are you just gonna fuckin' LAY there?" This question does not only apply to the girls you roofie before you carry them out of the bar. Sometimes bitches are just lazy, or don't KNOW what the fuck to do. To them I say: Educate your ignorant self. RIGHT.FUCKING.NOW. Take a head-giving class. Ask your mom how J-Wunder likes it. Familiarize yourself with the ugly, and learn what the fuck to do with it. Ladies, suck dick like it's an Astro Pop and remember to cup the balls. Fellas, always, always ALWAYS be sure to eat pussy like it's soft serve ice cream. Dicks and vaginas should not look like they've been dragged through broken glass for 5 fucking miles after you've sucked and fucked. If they do, kill yourself. BA-LEED DAT!
5. Vomiting/Sobering up:
Besides you sick fuckers with a thing for Asian puke porn, blowing chow during sex is NEVER fucking acceptable. EVER. The worst part about puking (besides the actual puking and the potential wearing of the puke) is that it bitch slaps the fuck out of you, right back into coyote ugly reality. I don’t know about you, but after clearing my system of those last 4 Jaeger bombs and 10 Fireball shots I HAD to have, I realized the hot broad passed out next to me was rubbing my goddamn back as I was crying to Jesus the Gardener, begging for forgiveness, as she was giving me the "I knew I shouldn't have gone home with this drunk fuck" look. This is one of the unsexiest scenarios ever, but you know what? If I’m still drunk after I hurl and rally like a champ, I’m still fucking. Puke breath and all! Wait, what?
I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk at all. A little encouragement, direction and the occasional affirmation is good, but there’s no need to go all fuckin' porn star about that shit. If it feels good, say it loud and proud, but the only vagina monologue anybody wants to hear is if you can make your honey hole ACTUALLY talk. Don’t do that chewing on air shit that porn stars do, either, because, seriously, who the fuck does that? If you need a way to keep your mouth busy during sex, you’re just fucking doing it wrong. Also, make sure you don't go overboard and start saying some crazy shit if you encounter a one night stand. You know...shit like, "I love you, baby." I had a chick tell me that once and not only did I go limp dick in her, I also farted to break the awkwardness. That didn't go over too well.
Lastly, if you're gonna say some freaky shit, keep it within some boundaries. Calling a chick her "little whore or slut" is cool. But when you say some shit like, "Want a Dirty Sanchez baby?!" or "Want me to stick this bat in your asshole?!" Don't be surprised if you get a lamp to the dome! Easy tiger...just be glad you fucking.
Sex touches every sense and they are all funny as fuck in some form. The sights, the fucking sounds, touching, even some taste. But if there is one thing that takes the cake, it's the goddamn smells, people. Don't shake your head like you don't know because anyone who has fucked, knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Guys, if you think there is even a micron possibility that some skanky bar fly is going to get near your junk tonight, WASH. THAT. SHIT. The taint and the asshole, too, if you think she’s a nasty freak. And don’t be shy about it. Hike a leg and scrub, scrub, scrub. And if you’re not going to do a sister the courtesy of keeping your love jungle trimmed, take care to dry that shit, too. Take extra special care during the summer months, too. No broad likes to experience a swampy bayou.
And ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, LADIES...if your business smells like the shithouse on a tuna boat, just stay the fuck home. No amount of washing is going to help you. A trip to the goddamn free clinic MIGHT. But nothing will shut down a hard-on faster than opening your legs and releasing your Essence of Bait Boat all over the room. I like to eat my fish, not fuck it.
These little fuckers always need SOMETHING. Food, water, love, encouragement…GET the fuck outta here with that shit. Can’t you see mommy and daddy (or mommy and “Uncle” J-Wunder) are trying to get their fucking freak on? You always have some kind of fucking constraint with kids. Either they’re on their way home, they’re sleeping or they’re busting in the room asking for food, love, a tv show or their ass to get wiped. Now she’s worried about them interrupting, so she’s not concentrating on the task at hand (the task being your cock, genius) and you’re irritated because she’s not focusing and then…you go so limp, so fast, you almost fly around the room backward like a fucking balloon. Do what I do, find a closet and fuck in it...even if it's for 6 dick pumps. Hey it might be bad, but it's still good.
I know I'll probably get shit for this but hey, it is what it is. All you fucking “monogamous” assholes who wanna pipe up with some bullshit about “I’m married with children and our sex life is GREAT!!”, just sit the fuck down and calm your tits. Besides the issue of kids, you and your spouse have so much festering hostility and rage about the day to day issues in your life, the last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is fucking. Am I right? Well, fucking EACH OTHER.
It’s not like when you were dating, the time you spent together you were doing things you enjoyed. Back then, you wined and dined and had foreplay - dinner, a movie, some drinks/dancing, and fucking like rabbits in the car “just because we can”. Now it’s carpools, daycare, bath time, bill paying, play dates, mortgage concerns and…yeah…you’re wet already, right? Shut the fuck up. Foreplay consists of pulling her granny panties to the side so you can spit on it and stick it in there for 98 seconds of marital bliss. Do us all a fucking favor and just admit that if you’re married, your sex is the equivalent of saltines and water. Once in a while, a motherfucker would like to try a Ritz, right?
Now, I know this doesn't happen to the majority of married couples...just like 60%. Do yourselves a favor, find time to fuck. Like really fuck. Shit that involves kissing, finger banging, back handies, oral pleasure, maybe a 69 and a reverse cowgirl. Your life will be changed. Even if it's for those 10 minutes.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
First and foremost, I want to say the blog is dope as fuck, but I'm not trying to butter you up like I sunday biscuit, just so you can reply, so I'm going to get straight to it.
About a year ago, I ran into an buddy of mine I hadn't seen in about 10 years. I somewhat kept in contact over social media. That night i also met his kid's mother and saw them twice after that. She and I had an attraction from the start. She added me on social media, and we began liking each other's shit after a few days. Well, a couple of months back she sends me a message saying that she feels that dude is creeping. I reassured her that she's overthinking things and that maybe they need to spend time together because they both work a lot. And that was that. Well, a few weeks back she messaged me again saying that she caught him creeping and she gave him the boot. So I'm there listening to her and she says she needs a drink. After a few messages we decide to get a drink. At the end of the we're at my place and shit gets pretty intense and hot. The next day we see each other again and same shit happens. It's been happening for a few weeks now. We text all day everyday and talk on the phone at the end our our days, the occasional I miss you is exchanged. We both know that this shit can only happen on the DL, and are both catching feelings. We agree that it's wrong, but we are still there. We both don't know what the fuck to do, so we agreed that I write you. Do I tell my "buddy?" Do we just keep riding this motherfucker out, and deal with the shit when it hits the fan? Or WTF?
In dire need of your words of wisdom.
Dear Lost Mofo,
To believe, or not to believe...that is the goddamn question.
I read your email the other day and was like, "Damn, that's fucked up for your boy to do his baby mama wrong." Then I read this shit today and was like, "Wait a minute...this motherfucker."
Brother man, what I'm about to tell you, might shock you. Hell, it might not. I really don't give a shit.
And as much as I'd like to think I may be wrong...I'm betting the house I'm right. With something.
I don't know how close you are to your homeboy at this present moment. I'm guessing probably not that close considering you're banging his girl, right? You're welcome.
See, here's the thing...I don't know any woman who barely knows someone, that would add them to their social network without having an agenda. Whatever the fuck went on between your boy and this chick isn't anyone's business. How-the-fuck-ever, from the moment she met you, she fucking knew what she wanted. For your homeboy, it's not him...regardless if he was being shady or not. This broad knew exactly what she was doing when she hit you up on the social network scene AND confided in you about her man "creeping". Chicks ain't fucking stupid. They just act like they don't know what the fuck is going on sometimes.
This broad got friends...at least that's what I like to think. So why would she come to YOU with her goddamn problems? A guy that she barely fucking knows. Her man's homie from back in the day. Who the fuck does that? You know who? Bitches with an agenda. That's who.
Now, I'm not saying she's a bad person for coming to you and hooking up with your ass. I'm just saying, she knew exactly what the fuck she was doing according to her plans. Again, who the fuck does that? Bitches with an agenda.
Knowing her man was doing her dirty, she went ahead and did her thing by hitting you up. Why? Because of her agenda. She's got one foot out the fucking door and the only reason why she's got the other one chillin' inside is because she was waiting. Waiting for you to do exactly what she wanted you to do. And you did. Pussy is an incredible thing, ain't it?
Brochacho, this isn't about her situation with her baby daddy. Fuck no. This isn't even about you.
What this whole thing is about, is your girl. You know, the one whose man probably fucked her over, so in turn, wanted to do something that would put the nail in the coffin...and that's bang you, my friend. I'm not stupid. Neither is she and neither are you. You don't have to tell your boy shit. Matter of fact, this dude ain't even your boy. Maybe 10 years ago he was, but not now. Why? Because boys don't do that shit to their homies. EVER. So let's just call a spade a spade.
Homegirl needs to sack the fuck up and tell him herself. Not because it's the right thing to do, but because if he did her wrong, what the fuck does it matter what she's doing, right? Also, if anyone is close to him, it's her. Don't you think that makes the most sense, playboy?
What kills me though is that y'all talk about how you both know it's wrong. Let me tell y'all something...if it was wrong, your asses wouldn't be doing this shit. AT ALL.
That's like people who say they regret whatever the fuck they did. You can't regret something you had full intention on doing, motherfuckers.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!
Your girl knew she was on the outs, and you know what happens when people see golden opportunities? They jump on that shit like a cheetah fucking up a gazelle, son. You were her excuse to get out. Because if you weren't, your ass wouldn't be writing me. Matter of fact, she wouldn't have hit you up via Facebook after meeting you 3 times and liking every goddamn thing you post. THEN crying to you about shit that ain't even your business. Real talk.
The reality is, as much as you both want to say something, you won't. That fucking ship has sailed. The way I see it, is you're probably going to keep doing what you're doing on the DL then one day, shit will more than likely hit the fan. People will get upset. She'll be called a whore. You'll be called a backstabbing friend. Someone's car windows will get smashed. You'll be thrown in the middle of shit that ain't about your life. All of the sudden, you're the new father figure. Your boy will hate you even more. You will have a come to Jesus with yourself and wonder, "What the fuck am I doing in this fucked up situation?" Let's not forget to mention, tension will probably rise between you and your new girl because something doesn't seem right. Trust issues will arise. More tires will get slashed. The term "whore" will be thrown around like a football on Sunday's. You'll hate her. She'll hate you. You'll both hate everybody.
So ask yourself, is this piece of pussy worth it? If the answer is yes, then good for you. Do what you gotta do. If it's a no, then leave. If it's a maybe...then that means get ready for some shit to go down.
Good luck. God bless. And don't think for a second this is gonna be a smooth ride because it won't be. Something along the way will fuck up your vibe. Trust.
I need a drink,