Thursday, September 18, 2014

Advice Column: What Happens In Vegas...



Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a big fan and can't thank you enough for the daily laughs. The world loves you and we need more mo' fo's like you in this galaxy. Ok, enough of the praises...I need some damn help bad. 

So I've been dating my girl for a year. Great gal. Awesome relationship. We get along really well. Sex is great. There's only one big problem - I'm the best man in my best friends wedding and in the next two weeks, is his bachelor party in Vegas. My girl doesn't want me to go and it's making her trip out big time. I've done NOTHING to show her I can't be trusted but I think she just has this whole idea in her head that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." 

I need your help because as much as I love her, this is my boy and it's his bachelor party for crying out loud. We're going to have fun. We're going to go to strip clubs. That's what it's all about right? It pisses me off that she's trippin' and I really don't know what to tell her any more. She basically has given me the ultimatum that if I go, our relationship is over which I think is stupid as hell. 

Help because as much as I care about her, I need to support my boy for his last night of fun. 

Thanks,
Just a bro supporting his boy



Dear Just A Bro Supporting His Boy,

Oh man...here we go with another bullshit email about someone in a relationship tripping over nothing.

What's the goddamn deal with some people? Can't a guy or gal just go and have fun in Vegas without the other person having to worry?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I find it highly entertaining that some relationships are all good until something so small, like a bachelor party (ok, maybe not so small), sets the other person off. Mind you, you've done NOTHING wrong in your 1 year relationship to even make your girl trip. Ain't that a bitch?!

I'm going to be honest like I always am and will tell you what I think about your girl and her opinion on you not going:

FUCK HER.

TWAT.

Who the fuck is this broad to tell you, the best man in your good bro's wedding, that you can't go to his bachelor party? Because it's in Vegas? You know how you said, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"...NO FUCKING SHIT. This applies to anyone who goes. Kids, parents, grandparents, nuns, students who say they are going there for college because "they got a good business program". You could be the most boring person in the fucking world and should still know, what happens there, stays there. Period. And you don't even need to do shit.

Why the fuck does your girl think that's the goddamn slogan for that goddamn city? For fuck fucking sake, bromigo...your broad needs some Calgon to take her ass away from whatever the fuck she's already thinking. I mean, shit. See, this is what happens when people date insecure motherfuckers. Sure y'all are all good, but once you get to have a good time outside of the relationship, all of the sudden, bitches be all worried about nothing.

So what if you guys go to the strip club? So what if y'all get so drunk you end up passing out on some bench on the strip, covered in your own puke and piss at 5 in the morning? That's what happens at bachelor parties. That's what happens in Vegas. You do shit that will make a goat throw up and a whole congregation pray for your sins. That's the fucking point. Sure you may want to fuck a few broads who are down to ride the Pound Town Express...hell, you may even not want to work that hard and just pay a hooker to bang you...and sometimes, that's ok. But has it even happened? Are you looking to even do that? You probably aren't, but guess who thinks you are?  You guessed it...your girl who is about to guilt trip the shit out of you until that fateful day comes and your ass is on a plane to the land where STD's are born.

All I'm saying is if she trust you and you've given her no reason to not trust you, then go to Vegas and tell her you're going. Say that shit with the manliest voice you got, too. Like Kevin Hart said, "Say it wit yo chest!!!" If she doesn't like it, she can kick fucking rocks because not only is she stupid for wigging out, but she's stupid as fuck for being an insecure hatchet wound (that's "vagina" for y'all who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about).

You know, back in the day, when I would go to Vegas with my boys, which felt like every other month, my homeboys women would usually trip out. Not because they were going to Vegas, but because I was going with them. I was tagged as "J-Wunder...the baaaaaaaadddddd influence." No bullshit. Every girlfriend literally blamed me any time their men hung out with me and ended up too drunk or got in trouble. Like I put a spell on these motherfuckers or something. No joke.

This is probably what your girl is thinking - "All these dudes going to Vegas for a weekend of sin and as much as I love my man, I can't trust his friends." Well, let me tell your girl and the whole fucking world who love to blame other people for shit, something...if you're a grown ass adult that is capable of making your own goddamn adult decisions, then don't blame someone else for that person's mistakes. No one is going to make you take a shot or have that drink. No one is going to put a strippers pussy in your face and force you to smack it up, flip it or rub it down....ooohhhh NO. We might try and influence you to do some shit like get you so wasted that you end up putting that roofie you saved from Tijuana in your own drink, but hey, like I said, you're a fucking adult capable of making adult decisions.

On the other hand, maybe your girl had a past relationship where her ex-man fucked up when HE went to Vegas. If that's the case and you let her win this battle and you decide not to go, I suggest you hand over your balls to her right this fucking minute and know that you will never get them back. Congrats for being a little punk ass bitch. Again, that's assuming, this happened and you want to donate your balls to the "I Made My Man, My Bitch" Foundation.

These types of broads need to chill the fuck out and calm the fuck down. Like WAY the fuck down. It would be one thing if your ass pulled Shady McShadster during your relationship but from the sounds of it, you're like this beautiful ass angel and shit. Vegas is not a place for everyone. But it is a place for bachelor parties and a ton of fuckery. Now, if your girl can't live with the fact that you are going there to have fun with your boys and let loose, then fuck her.

This is not about you having fun. This is about her just being a complete insecure little twat. Real talk.

What I will say is that if you do fuck up, tell her. You'll probably get an ear full and will never be trusted again but know this...it takes more of a man to admit he's done wrong than a man to lie and get caught slippin'.

If you go to Vegas, tell your girl she can exit stage left if she doesn't like it. But if y'all do decide to stay together while you head out there, just remember..."What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

I'm not telling you what or what not to do. I'm just telling you what the motto is to the place you're going.

Good luck,

J-Wun


Friday, September 12, 2014

Advice Column: Relationships Need To Be A 50/50 Split




First off, I love this blog! I think all of y'all are awesome. Now that I've lubed y'all up a little, let's get down to business. 

I am a 30 year old divorced woman with 3 soul suckers....I mean kids....We've recently relocated and I've been trying to make the acquaintance of some people I don't hate and could possible share a table with while I throw back tequila shots and search for my next mistake. Anyway, while out with all these different people I've been a part of many conversations regarding relationships and I find myself having totally different views on gender roles and equality.  You see, most of the people I've talked to say they are looking for that 50/50 split and there should be no gender roles.  I think a 50/50 split is a fucking unicorn they'll never find and they're going to die alone with their 50 cats. I believe that a woman's priority should be to take care of their home. That doesn't mean she shouldn't work at all and a man shouldn't pitch in on the housework. To me it just means that as the woman of the house I need to make sure my family is fed, our house is clean, and our laundry is done.  If you want to help me out by loading the dishwasher and picking up your own dirty socks then I'll appreciate and love you even more. As the man of the house, I expect you to be a provider and protector.....and to keep our yard looking nice and our cars maintained. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be a 50's housewife. I work too so don't expect dinner to be on the table at 6 o'clock sharp every night, but I don't find it unreasonable for a man to expect a hot meal when he gets home. So my question is, are my views really that antiquated? 

Sincerely,
June Cleaver version 2014



Dear June Cleaver Version 2014,

Before I start anything, I really hope you don't have a bush like Mrs. Cleaver. How do I know she had a bush? Come on people...you and I know that broad had a big ass bush. Smelling like Head and Shoulders and shit. But I digress...

Thanks for writing in on such an interesting topic. Have a seat and relax because I'm about to go balls deep in this bitch!!!!

In today's world, we think completely different than other generations. That's to be expected since a majority of us want shit to be equal. Men want to be stay-at-home dads and chicks want to be CEO's. I don't see a problem with either.

My thought is, if you can dream it, go out and fucking do it.

How you view shit about taking care of your man by making him dinners, doing the laundry, washing dishes and whatnot, is not a bad thing. Fuck no it ain't. You know how many lazy motherfuckers I know who would marry your ass in a hot minute? A LOT.

Me personally, I'm all about the 50/50 split. I think women AND men need to show a little more goddamn independence and help one another out. This ain't the 50's and shit is expensive as fuck. And well, nowadays, fools have eyes bigger than their stomachs. Trying to buy shit they can't afford. Trying to travel to places they have no idea how to pronounce. Unless you got a cush ass job where it's making you tons of dime, both y'all motherfuckers better be working and contributing...to EVERYTHING. Now, I know you said you work too but it's your job to do all the stereotypical June Cleaver bullshit while your man also works, but plays guard dog and keeps the lawn trimmed and cars looking fly.

See, what I'm about to tell you, you probably haven't thought about. Hell, maybe a lot of people haven't thought about. And as much as I would love a woman who has your type of mentality, I wouldn't be with a woman like that. Why you ask? I'll tell you...

I want a woman who not only has her own job and makes some good money but what I don't want is her to be constantly exhausted everyday because she's slaving away on some bullshit I know I can help contribute too. Hey, I get how some chicks don't mind it and it's just that "motherly instinct" in them to take care of their man, but you know what I'd rather have than all of that? A woman who is gonna fuck and suck me good and keep our relationship spicy as fuck.

Y'all are probably saying, "Well, couldn't y'all do that on top of her doing her June Cleaver shit?" If you're a woman and worked a long ass day, then had to come home, cook dinner, wash the dishes, do laundry, clean up the house, etc. would you REALLY want to fuck your man after all that shit or sit on the couch, decompress then take your ass to bed because you know you gotta do it ALL over again tomorrow??? Let's be real here people...I will bet 65% of females will say they will just want to relax knowing they gave their man a good meal, while the remaining will be like, "Yeah, I'm still down to fuck...because I love the D!!!"

Guys, I'm not bullshitting when I say this but, I, as a man, would rather help my boo out with all the typical house/chore duties every goddamn day if that meant I could hop on the Pound Town Express and she plays Chubby Bunny with my wang every damn night. The reason I say this is because when you look at what makes a relationship work and last for years on end, it ain't your gal cooking you dinner every fucking night or washing your shit stained drawers twice a week. Hell fucking NO, fools!

It's intimacy. It's love. It's two motherfuckers keeping that shit fresh and making sure you don't lose that fire. Sure it may not be like how it was when you first fucking dated, but I'd rather it be something still hot than something that doesn't exist because a broad is tired because "I had a long day, honey." Or "I had to cook and clean and blah, blah, blah, blah fucking blah!" How fucking hard is it for a guy to help cook dinner? You know how many chicks would probably suck their man's dick in the kitchen while he's making Chicken Alfredo? Tons, motherfucker. TONS!!!

Broads LOVE when a man doesn't leave all the petty and time consuming bullshit just for them. I'm being real with y'all right now. If I were to survey 1 million women on whether or not they would prefer to be fucked right every night than slave over some bullshit after work every day, 87% of chicks would say "Yes, I will take the cock for a million, Alex."

Awesome that you want to take care of your man. But men should do their part and take care of you. And not just with his fucking job and other manly things. The more dudes can contribute to helping their gal around the house, the more that window of fucking their girl right will open. Sex keeps relationships healthy. Not motherfuckers who are constantly exhausted and are too lazy to even open their legs. And if you can barely open them, that's called pity sex. And we all know...

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I'll admit that I appreciate a woman who wants to do the things you want to do for your man. But if you're more focused on chore duty and not focusing on what your relationship is really about, then why be in one? I'd rather come home from work, fuck my girl like a virgin on Prom Night and order take-out than have her do all this work and at the end of the day, face the possibility she is too tired to do anything. It's cool to please your man, but make sure you really PLEASE your man because I'm telling you right now, more men would rather have that, than someone who thinks they are doing all the right things when it really doesn't even matter.

Now go make me a sammich,

J-Wunder




Thursday, September 11, 2014

Advice Column: There's No Cure For Cuntinitis



Yo, remember me? The guy that sent you all those fucking emails and you got really pissed and posted a rant about me being a little bitch because i broke up with my girlfriend and so on? Probably not. In other words, i'm the dude from Sweden who asked you for advice and shit. 

Anyway, i seem to be stuck in a never ending fucketry of a situation. I've been exploring things and many months ago i decided against my pride that i was gonna try out online dating. I'll admit, i have a massive ego and rejection is something i'm not used to. I went out with one girl i talked to for a while but there was no chemistry, nothing. The bitch kept saying she wanted to see me and i thought of it as ''she wants to go out again'' which took me by surprise because i'm always underrating myself. 

So from all of that, i went for a good night kiss on the second date in which she turned the cheek, i knew it was over after that. I later got a text saying ''i think we should be friends'' and i basically told her to go fuck herself. I'm not really the type of guy to have female friends, unless i can fuck their friends or they can buy me things. 

So i sit here now knowing that online dating is a bunch of bullshit and a waste of time looking at mails you wrote to a bunch of women and not getting any replies. I have the confidence to talk to women, but my ego of being told ''no'' and my lack of dating in general has made me ask you what to do. So pretty much what i'm asking is can you help me on this whole dating thing? Because i don't really wanna be in a relationship, i just wanna fuck as many girls as possible as fast as i possibly can.

 After meeting a fucking feminist and hearing things like ''Men are disgusting pigs and only rape women'' i have become less sympathetic with women and their emotional needs. So tell me what to do, how do i get back to scoring some and where do i meet them? Except bars and parties. Thanks for reading this fucking long ass email, it was your blog that made me change for the better. Looking forward to hearing from you. 



Dear Musti from Sweden,

Do I remember you? Of course I remember you. You're the cool fan with some fucked up problems. Makes me think you're on your period half the time, brotha.

This is like the 3rd, 4th or 5th time you've written me, so I think after this, if you can't follow what the fuck I say, then you're on your own, homeboy. I take it you don't like to follow directions, huh?

I read your email the other day and will do my best not to slay the fuck out of you with my response. No promises though. Let's begin, shall we?

YOU + "EGO" + DOESN'T TAKE WELL TO REJECTION =

INSECURE LITTLE CUNT

There, I said it.

A lot of folks reading this are probably saying, "Amen, J! What the fuck is this dude's deal?" I mean, come the fuck on, broseph...you're about as insecure as a chick with an eating disorder. Being confident when talking to women is different than THINKING you're confident when talking to women.

You got some serious issues man and hopefully, what the fuck I'm about to tell you lightens and wakes you the fuck up. Because no woman is going to put up with your Mickey Mouse horseshit...it's happening to you right now. Real talk.

See, you're going about this shit the wrong fucking way. You're a dude that likes pussy. Congrats. But when you act like a Monkey Mouth bitch who acts like women are the enemy, you lose, amigo. Pussy is power and women know that. You need to calm the fuck down and tell your insecure bitch ass ego to do the same. What you have are constant expectations of what you want to happen, but give no time for shit to transpire. You think just because some broad emails you back from some bullshit online dating site, she wants to fuck you?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

This is where I see your immature side. One that bitches don't tolerate unless they're just as fucked up as you are. *cue chicks nodding in agreement as they read this*

I get you don't want to be in relationship and just want to fuck mad bitches. Did it ever occur to you in order to do that, you need to sack the fuck up, be a man and just be you? Fuck your ego. Fuck your feelings. And FUCK what YOU want. Life doesn't work that way, homeslice.

You want pussy? You better fucking work for it. If you don't want to work for it, then pay for it. It's just that simple.

Ladies want to be treated like ladies. They want a dude to actually ask them how THEY ARE doing. They want to know when a man talks to them, he is actually interested. Bitches want to laugh. They want their minds to be stimulated. If you show a woman it's all about YOU, good luck finding a relationship, let alone some skank hoe who actually will make you work for the pootie. Broads know when a dude is just looking to fuck. A majority of women know the dumb ass pick-up lines, the meaningless bullshit coming out of a man's mouth and what their intentions are based on body language, eye contact, conversation and overall chemistry. Now, by no means am I sticking up for women, I'm just stating factual shit about females and what the fuck they are all about.

I suggest you back up the fucking truck, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and get the fuck over yourself. I was just like you when I was like 15 years old and realized that being a cuntboy wasn't going to get me anywhere. I changed my way of thinking and appreciated the fact that if you can't grab a woman's attention, it's probably because 1) You're a fucking douche, 2) You're boring, 3) You have nothing to offer, 4) You are trying way too fucking hard, 5) You are not their type. I will bet the goddamn house AND the kitchen sink the reason you constantly strikeout with bitches is because all 5 of these reasons...add in the fact that you act like a twat who gets offended when rejected, the result is you on this losing end, brochacho.

I don't know how genuine you are or how sensitive you can really be when a girl talks to you. All I know is that whatever you're doing, ain't fucking working so change up the game plan, son. All this uptight, I have this ego, blah, blah, blah bullshit makes you not only unattractive but, one not to approach, date or fuck. You want truth? This is about as true as it's going to get.

Talking to the ladies, dating them and getting laid isn't fucking rocket science, dude. Stop being a girl and over-analyzing every fucking detail. That's what is fucking you up. Take rejection like a fucking man. If you want to complain and tell every woman to "fuck off" because they don't want nothing more than a hi-five, then get ready to die alone, playboy. Show some goddamn humility and take it for what it's worth. Instead of you acting like a bitch and doing the same fucking thing over and over again, how bout you accept what went wrong, change it and try a different approach.

You think people want to fuck missionary style for the rest of their lives?

FUCK NO!

So wake the fuck up and prove to yourself you aren't a douchebag who is sensitive when broads tell you to kick rocks. For the love of fucking Jesus the Gardener.

Realize and recognize,

J-Wunder


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

21 Kids Who Shut Down Picture Day


1. Literally reaching for the stars.

Literally reaching for the stars.

2. He knows he’s got it.

He knows he's got it.

3. It’s not easy getting old.

It's not easy getting old.

5. Braces are…

Braces are...

6. He was the inspiration for Hannah’s crazy night out in Girls.

He was the inspiration for Hannah's crazy night out in Girls .

7. Don’t mess with him.

Don't mess with him.

8. Really getting into her visit to Japan.

Really getting into her visit to Japan.

9. ~Twinsies~

~Twinsies~

10. Jumpin’ for joy.

Jumpin' for joy.

11. Slyly trolling his parents at a young age.

Slyly trolling his parents at a young age.

12. She is NOT feelin’ it right now.

She is NOT feelin' it right now.

13. The King of the North!

The King of the North!

14. Such a rare and beautiful moment captured on film.

Such a rare and beautiful moment captured on film.

15. Exercising her love for Wonder Bread.

Exercising her love for Wonder Bread.

16. Don’t go toward the light!

Don't go toward the light!

17. Poorly placed bubbles…

Poorly placed bubbles...

18. The most interesting kid in the world.

The most interesting kid in the world.

19. At least they tried.

At least they tried.

20. Not sure if this should be terrifying or hilarious.

Not sure if this should be terrifying or hilarious.

21. *drops mic*

*drops mic*

via - BuzzFeed