Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Advice Column: While You Were Sleeping



Hey Ghetto Genius!

So I need some advice please. I have a great, loving, hard working, loyal husband but the other night when he was asleep he was sleep talking and said another girls name! And he's done this once before. First time it was Amanda this time Tara. I don't know what to think it pisses me off!. Am I crazy? Just some info about us. We have been married almost 5 years no kids. He works for a pretty big company and I work in a doctors office. I always go to the gym and try to look my best. I've actually gotten better looking since we been married. Am I overreacting?



Dear Am I Overreacting,

FACT: When with a woman, men can't get away with shit! Y'all bitches got radar for everything!!!

What I find quite hilarious is the part where you wrote:

"I have a great, loving, hard working, loyal husband…"

First off, if this cat is all those things you said right ^^^^^ here (let's especially emphasize on the word LOYAL), then why would you even question ANYTHING? Now, before you get all 50 Shades of Crazy on me, just listen to the track I'm about to drop on that ass, and see if it keeps you on the dance floor.

You wrote in not to tell me that your man is cheating. You wrote in not to tell me that some broad is accusing your man of fucking her on his work desk. You wrote in not to tell me that you aren't getting laid and want to find dick elsewhere. How-the-fuck-ever, you wrote in to tell me that your great, loving, hard working and loyal husband said another bitch's name in his sleep.

Let's take a moment to think about this shit for a hot second…

He said another woman's name. This being the second time since, without a shadow of a crazy fucking doubt, the first time he was hollering at some bitch named, Amanda. See, and you wonder why men think y'all women are crazy as fuck. You'll forget how to make your mom's amazing pasta sauce but won't forget what the fuck your man said 5 years ago at 3:21am on that cold ass December night when his ass was passed the fuck out. Real talk. But I digress…

I get that you're concerned and a tad bit pissed off. But let's be really fucking real here...people talk in their sleep. People say some shit that makes a motherfucker want to choke you with a pillow. Everyone has done it. You have, I have…WE ALL HAVE. Now, since you haven't accused your man of cheating or given me a reason to believe that (other than him saying a broad's name in his sleep), I'm gonna have to take this for what it is and advise you to calm the fuck down.

The reality is (if he's really not hooking up with another broad), big deal if he said another chick's name? Everyday, we all cross paths with people we work with, let alone, on the street. Some we can't stand. Some we want to punch in the fucking face. And some…some who we may have fantasies about. That's just me being completely honest. It doesn't matter how fine you are or have gotten sweet thang, the truth of the matter is, motherfuckers are surrounded by the opposite sex on the daily and think about shit that we sometimes can't fucking help. Does that mean they are fucking them? Not at all. Does it mean they may have an occasional dream where they are having sex with them because that's as close to the pussy they'll ever get because they love their girlfriend/wife? Sure.

You're concerned and that's ok. But unless this motherfucker is really doing some shit that makes him look suspect, then call him on it. Matter of fact, to make you feel at ease, ask him what he was dreaming about and who the fuck is Tara. But don't be a bitch about it because if you are, you'll just look fucking crazy. And if asking doesn't put you at ease, the next time he hollers another broad's name, pull down his pants and smell his dick. If it smells like a bitch named Sara, Tanya, Rita or Michelle, suffocate his ass with a pillow. Wait, what?!

It's little shit like this that will drive a motherfucker to the brink of the Crazy Bitch Olympics. Don't go there. If you don't chill the fuck out and confront the situation, in a relaxed way, then you'll just put fucked up ideas in your head then end up fucking everything up if you are actually in the wrong.

Could I be completely fucking off and your man is really fucking two broads named Amanda and Tara? Of course. But if he hasn't given you ANY reason to think he's cheating other than saying some chick's name while he's sleeping, then your ass better be sure and have actual proof, he's actually really fucking cheating. Because again, you will look like a crazy fucking bitch.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Calm the fuck down, chill the fuck out, and take a deep breath. You're gonna be al-fucking-right.

Now go in peace and go make your man a sandwich…but not until he fucks you right.

God Bless,

J-Wunder




Take One For The Team, Mom


Monday, February 23, 2015

The Internet Reacted Hilariously To John Travolta At The Oscars

It went from this...



To this

Which resulted in priceless gems like this.

Which resulted in priceless gems like this.

And this.

And this.

But then things just got weird, as they usually do.

But then things just got weird, as they usually do.

Internet, we love you.

Internet, we love you.
via - BuzzFeed

Friday, February 20, 2015

Advice Column: 50 Shades of Fucking



Dear J-Wunder,

So over this past weekend, I took my boyfriend with me to watch "50 Shades of Grey". Even though I knew he wouldn't like it, I wanted to give him hints on how we might be able to get a little freakier in the bedroom. Sex has been not the greatest as of late so hopefully this will make him see the light.

Is that bad? Is this something normal for a woman to do? Am I bitch because of it?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Lots of love,
I want it the 50 Shades way



Dear I Want It The 50 Shades Way,

It hasn't even been a fucking week, and I already received a fucking email involving some 50 Shades of bullshit.

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Look, I don't read. That may be surprising to some of you considering I wrote a book and write a blog. But hey, it is what it is. And even though I don't and can barely read, for the last, what seems like, 10 goddamn years, all I've been hearing bitches talk about is 50 Shades of this…50 Shades of that. "I can't wait to see the MOVIE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH….MY PANTIES ARE SO FUCKING SOAKED. OMG. IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN TWILIGHT! OMG, OMG, OOOOOOOOOO….EEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMM…GEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Are you fucking kidding me ladies?

Listen to yourselves for a hot second.

You read a series of the 50 Shades saga and all of the sudden, you know how to get wet again and go from "I only fuck in the missionary position" to "I like to be choked, shit on, punched and whipped like a bad little girl."

Are you fucking fucking me right this minute, people?!

I don't know how good the book or movie was, nor do I give two shits. How-the-fuck-ever, for some chick to take her man to this movie to give him "hints" on spicing up their sex life, has got to be one of the Top 3 dumbest fucking things I have ever heard of.

One word you need to pay close fucking attention to:

COMMUNICATION

You ever heard of that shit?

I'm assuming not, since you took him to a movie he had no interest in seeing to try and prove some god awful point on how you want to be fucked and sexed up. You wasted perfectly good money and his time when you could have fired up pornhub.com for free.

See, any normal woman wouldn't have to take her man to a movie like "50 Shades of Grey" to say without saying, "Babe, this is how I want you to be with me when it comes to sex." Fuck no, chica. That ain't the fucking business. You get your ass kicked for doing some shit like that.

A normal woman would sit her bitch ass man down, look him dead in the fucking eyes and break it down like this:

"Baby, we've been dating for "X" amount of time and I've been thinking…You know, when we first were together, we had so much passion and fire every time we had sex. It was like we had this connection that was absolutely mind blowing. Anything we did to one another, especially what you did to me, gave me butterflies to the point that it had me wanting more each and every time. I love you and your cock so fucking much that well, things to have gotten off path. Don't get me wrong honey, I love fucking you and sucking your cock…and I absolutely love it when you go down on me, whenever you're not tired, but, I'm just not feeling that fire as of late and I'm asking you to find a way for us to get that back.

What I mean is, I want you to fuck me like you straight own my pussy. Pound my vagina like you're fighting for your life in prison, type shit. Making love is great every once in a while, but baby, sometimes I just liked to be fucked and fucked so good that when you're done with me, I need to be by myself for a few minutes to figure out what the fuck just happened. Is that too much to ask for?

If it means you want me to suck your dick like a porn star in a 10 man gangbang, then so be it. I want to be that sexy bitch you once desired and boned til it felt like your dick was bleeding semen. Want me to dress sexier? I'll go to the strip club right this goddamn minute and buy those bitches clothes off their backs just so I can be YOUR hoe…I'll do the booty bounce, heel-clack combo if that's what it takes. I'm not joking, boo.

Me telling you all of this isn't an ultimatum by any means. It's me telling you, I want that man who knew and knows how to dick me down when it's time to check into the Pound-A-Puss Inn Express. We lost that and I want it back AND more. I want you to experiment with me all the things your heart desires. Tie me up, choke me…hell sweety…I give you permission to give me a pearl necklace if that's what you want. You know what turns me on and if we can add more to your arsenal, then let's do it. 

My coochie is your temple and your big ass dick, is mine. 

So what the fuck do you say? Because I say, we aren't getting younger, we're together, we love one another and we know one of the pieces that's gonna keep us happy…"

How the fuck could you not do something like this? You can open your mouth when you're sucking his cock but can't say, "Babe, we need to talk about spicing shit up in our sex life." Instead, you take this poor bastard to a fucking movie and give him "hints" on what you want.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Bitch, this ain't a history test. You realize he's a guy right? You think him watching a fucking movie that isn't a porno is gonna make some goddamn lightbulb go off in his head?! Then have him saying after the movie, "Hey honey, you know…that movie was making me think that maybe when we get back home, I should tie you up, gag you, then stick my dick in your pussy while you're asking to be whipped with my belt. What do ya say about that?"

NO JACKASS.

Like my homegirl, H-Bomb, has always stated, "Men are simple creatures." You trying to provide hints off some chick flick is like him taking you to a hot-oil wrestling match in hopes you get the hint that he wants you to get in shape, do some freaky stuff like this, then suck his dick while you're choking the fuck out of him with them thighs. Wake the fuck up and smell the dry cum, woman.

Talk to your man. Tell him what the fuck you want. I don't care if it's after you watched the movie, but open your fucking mouth and speak. Hint? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

Here's a hint: Fuck off with your dumb ass ideas.

If you want something as bad as you want to get dicked down, then let that fool know. Ain't no movie gonna make him want to fuck you the way you want it. Tell him how you want that shit so he can man the fuck up and do it. Now, if he doesn't and y'all stay in the missionary position for the next couple of months or y'all are lacking sex overall, then he's probably fucking some other broad. Regardless, say something, woman! Jesus fucking Christ, say something and get the sand out of your vagina.

Be confident enough in yourself to express what you want without using a book or movie. Because you know this fool was watching that shit thinking, "This bitch is into some shit and she only wants me to fuck her missionary and doggy style on Sunday's." I get that all you ladies are into this 50 Shades fantasy land. If y'all want that, go live in a fucking castle.

Communicate. Then you're all good.

Happy Fucking,

J-Wunder

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

J-Wunder's Top 3 Worst Sexual Experiences of ALL-TIME



As a lot of you know and have probably read, I love sex. There isn't a moment in my day that I don't think about it. Don't be surprised, because for starters, I'm a guy...and secondly, I'm just a perverted fuck. That's why y'all love me though. Right?

I've written columns on my many successful sexcapades throughout my years of boning and thought today, I should tell the world about my not-so successful sexcapades. Why? Well why the fuck not? Hey, as much as I love pussy and enjoy banging a ton of broads, let's be real, I haven't WOW'd all of them by any means. I mean, sure I paid a couple off to lie about how I was awesome in bed, but that's for another story at another time.

Not every situation is going to play out the way you've imagined...especially when it comes to taking the train to Pound Town. That's why today, I'm gonna give you J-Wunder's Top 3 Worst Sexual Experiences of ALL-TIME. Let's do this!!!


#3: Cherry Poppins 
This should be no surprise that the first time I had sex would be a disaster, and on this list. I was 12 years old and in the 7th grade. Was in my first "real relationship" (btw - who the fuck was I, thinking I knew what love was…idiot) ready to take "the next step". Damn, that sounded really gay (but not in a gay way).

I was at my girlfriend's house that summer afternoon in July. No siblings or parents in sight. We go to her room and without even thinking about it, we both get butt ass naked and lay in bed. As we both felt this sense of "what the fuck are we doing," I go into my pants and reach for the condom I stole from my brother's sock drawer and make an IKEA attempt to learn how to put this thing on my willy. Good thing it goes on one way, right?

So there I am, naked. Hard as a mature field mouse, ready to go. As I was ready to show her what my newborn baby dick could do, something inside my head said, "Eat her out, bro." See, when you have 3 older brothers that are sexually active, you tend to hear shit when they talk amongst themselves about sex and chicks. And if there was one thing I always heard, it was "eating pussy". There was never an explanation on how to do it so I had to dive in and just go with it.

I spread my gal's legs and come face to face with what I've seen in tons of Playboy mags and my dad's porn collection. VAGINA.

The hair on it was so beautiful and not too bushy. It was like she just took her shit to the salon to style it just for me. Here I am a virgin, about to eat a chick out for the first time and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. But that didn't stop me...oh no. I finally dove in.

I had two thoughts as I was approaching her meat hanger: 1) It might smell and taste like the tuna sandwiches my mom makes me for lunch and 2) I hope it doesn't and actually tastes and smells like pepperoni pizza. Right as I got to my point of destination, it didn't smell or taste like neither. Actually, it was quite lovely. No smell, a little flavor…something that reminding me of pink lemonade and cotton candy. Who the fuck am I kidding? It smelled and tasted like clean fucking pussy.

While I was down there, I couldn't help but experiment different things. For example, doing a figure 8 with my tongue on her clit. The up and down. The side to side. The slow-mo with the 2 finger bama-jamma. The ice cream lick. The lollipop suck. The potato chip crunch. I mean, I was doing everything and by the time I was done, it looked like a pack of St. Bernard's drooled all over this poor chicks cooter. It was a human water slide with a big ass wet spot on the bed. We haven't even gotten to the sex people. Ok, now onto the sex.

I'm gonna be honest, I had no idea how I was gonna get my pecker in her hole. At one point, when I thought I had it in, it was my dick rubbing between her thighs. No fucking lie. I thought I was popping her cherry when really, my dick was giving her thighs a massage. I hit everything except her vagina. How-the-fuck-ever, when I FINALLY found my pot of gold, I was in. Then came in 4 dick pumps.


#2: Crop Dusted
I like to get freaky. Don't get it twisted though, I ain't trying to choke a bitch then shit on her chest because she asks nicely. Fuck all that. I'm talking just freaky enough to make a chick come back for more. I'll try anything (within reason) once, then maybe twice for good measure.

I was a sophomore at Cal Poly and met this one hot number at a house party my buddy was throwing. Drunk, as always, your boy J-Wunder went back to this broad's house to show her why they call me, "The Bomb From Guam". Right from the get-go, things got hot and heavy fast. Clothes were flying off, dirty shit was being said out loud, and within minutes, I had her ass naked on the bed, locked and loaded in the doggy style position…ready to feel my Wrath of Kahn. Now, before I tried to slide it right in, I decided to tease this chick for a bit. I told her to spread her legs a little wider as I came underneath her so she can sit on my face. She was digging the fuck outta that. Straight up. The more I denied her my wang, the crazier and hotter she was getting.

Kissing her head to toe, I decide to lay this gal on her stomach and play with her backside for a bit. As I'm moving up from her thighs to her glorious fat ass, she says, "J, lick my asshole. Will you lick it, baby? You are getting me so fucking wet right now! Ever lick an asshole before? It feels so good." I paused for a hot second and asked myself, "Self, what's the worst that can happen? This chick is as clean as a whistle and smooth like silk. Lick that asshole like it was the last Astro Pop on earth, son!" So without hesitation, I move right into those beautiful butt cheeks, spread them about 3-4 inches apart, stick out my tongue like I'm at the school water fountain during recess, and start licking her goddamn asshole…that's when it happened…

This broad farted right on my fucking tongue and in my mouth. No lie.

Not even three full fucking licks and this bitch straight farted on my tongue and in my goddamn mouth. I got ass trumpeted.  And you know what? This crazy bitch didn't even flinch and told me to keep going. Like she was hypnotized and had no fucking clue what was going on other than having my tongue lick her asshole while putting her in a tranquil state. I was confused, grossed the fuck out, yet, turned on by the whole fucking thing.

I had to excuse myself because I needed a moment to realize that this bitch straight tooted in my fucking mouth and acted like that shit was normal. I go to the bathroom, regroup and rinsed my mouth out with what seemed like mouthwash but tasted like some shit you'd put in a bubble bath, but I didn't fucking care. I just needed to get this broad's fart remnants out my fucking mouth.

Having to pep-talk myself for 5 good minutes, I don't lose my shit, block out any thought of puking, sack the fuck up and head back to the bedroom to finish what I started. That's when something else happened…

I walk into the room, the gal is laying off the side of the bed and there's a mountain of puke just chillin'. So much for Round 1.5, right?

That's how my night ended people. Getting smoke bombed in my mouth, on my tongue and coming back to a naked woman who puked out a weeks worth of Italian food.

Next.


#1: YOU can be drunk, but your dick can't. 
I like two things: Sex and Booze.

Now, when you have one of these things, you have to be sure you are able to do the other. 90% of the time when I have both, shit gets REAL, y'all! I become a fuck machine. However, if I have too much of one, the other one goes completely down the shitter.

Las Vegas, circa 2000. Me and my boy BJ head to Sin City to drink, gamble and overall, do some down and dirty fucking shit. We meet his buddy at Excalibur and head to a bar, that I believe was off the strip. I don't remember the name of the place, all I remember is there were motherfuckers taking leaf blowers and blowing napkins EVERYWHERE, after so many minutes have passed. I end up meeting a chick who was actually Mormon. A holy girl who, for the first time, decided to rebel against her religion and get fucking crazy for a weekend. She met the right fucking guy.

As usual, we chat, get wasted and make out…pretty much all over the bar. We were "that couple" who needed to get a room and get the fuck out of dodge because it got to a point where people were tired of watching an innocent girl get finger banged under a table while taking shots of tequila. Wait, what?! Hey man, she wanted to get crazy, so what else would anyone expect??? But I digress…

We cruise out, grab a cab and head to my hotel room where we both know what is about to go down. Knowing what I drank, I knew it was going to be a great night of fucking because my dick-o-meter was at a perfect 100%, so what she was in store for, I hope she was ready. That's when going from a perfect 10 went to a negative 1,290,383 real quick.

Right before we get to the room, this broad wants to grab a "quick shot" at the casino bar. One shot, turned into about 5 Jager Bombs as we finally head back to my room and board the Pound Town Express.

Drunk as a skunk, I still felt great about boning this chick into complete and utter oblivion. I turn off the lights, take off her clothes and start to go to work…

It didn't take long to pop a super boner once her boobs were in my mouth. However, a few seconds after putting it in, my dick just died. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

For 10 minutes this happened. My dick was like a human slinky. Up for 10 seconds, down for 30.

This is when I knew my cock was officially drunk. So what the fuck was I supposed to do? I had to think fast because I wasn't gonna let this hot ass Mormon chick's first sexual encounter be a horrible one. Especially with a dude with a drunk ass penis. No way, no how.

I get up, tell her to lay on her back and put her ass towards the edge of the bed. She's drunk, I'm drunk and at the end of the day, we both want this to happen…even though we might not remember how it went down the next day. So being the slick motherfucker that I am, I put both her legs on my shoulders then insert three fingers in her vagina and act like it's my dick. As I'm thrusting my hips and using my fingers like a functioning cock, she's loving every minute of it. Honestly, I don't even think she cared if she was getting fucked or finger banged at this point since she was wasted and getting her o-face on. It got so ridiculous that at one point, I pull my fingers out, take my limp ass dick and slap that shit on her clit, like you see in porno's…just so she would think I'm actually jabbing my wang inside of her. Never in my life have I seen a girl get off more from my hand than my cock. Jesus, did I just say I'm better at fucking with my hand than my own penis? Wait, what?

At this point, I don't care because while I'm doing my version of "fake chow," I'm thinking, my dick has GOT to get hard. This shit is too hot and heavy for it not to. That's when it happened…

It felt like I was going so deep in this chick with my fingers, that I think I could almost pull out her intestines and tickle her esophagus. I wasn't fucking around people. It was like I was committing some sort of domestic violence on her vagina but she wasn't saying stop. I'm going faster. She's screaming louder. My dick is NOT getting harder. She's about to cum and right when she is so CLOSE to unleashing the fury, my whole right hand cramps the fuck up.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I pull out my fingers and begin to beat my hand against the bed because my shit is in a full-on tiger claw cramp and is not letting up. She freaks out and tells me to use my other hand. I'm in pain and am at a point where I kinda want to falcon punch the bitch because now she's just being selfish. I head to the bathroom and turn on the hot water because 1) My hand is just covered in vaginal juices and 2) I'm hoping this goddamn cramp will let the fuck up…which, it finally does.

I compose myself and notice that my dick is fully functioning once again. I walk out of the bathroom to only find the bitch who I was cage fighting in her vagina, moments prior, gone. Out the door. Peaced the fuck out.

You can only drink so much until it's showtime.

She will be the most disappointed Mormon to probably ever live.

Thanks, Guamaconda. Fucking dick.











Sunday, February 15, 2015

16 Text Messages That Will Make You Happy You’re Single

1. Sometimes it’s the little things that trigger memories:

Sometimes it's the little things that trigger memories:

2. And sometimes it’s the real little, little things that will trigger a memory:

And sometimes it's the real little, little things that will trigger a memory:

3. For those times when words aren’t enough:

For those times when words aren't enough:

4. So I guess they won’t be singing along to “Someone Like You”?

So I guess they won't be singing along to "Someone Like You"?

5. And like a penny, you picked it up:

And like a penny, you picked it up:

6. Honesty is the best policy:

Honesty is the best policy:

7. Did they keep their promise?

Did they keep their promise?

8. I guess you’re never too old to pull a prank:

I guess you're never too old to pull a prank:

9. He should have sent an Edible Arrangement:

He should have sent an Edible Arrangement:

10. When you’re trying to “shake it off” with an ex:

When you're trying to "shake it off" with an ex:

11. Sometimes you just have to spell it out:

Sometimes you just have to spell it out:

12. Well they do say that distance makes the heart grow fonder:

Well they do say that distance makes the heart grow fonder:

13. Sometimes you fall ~hard~ in love:

Sometimes you fall ~hard~ in love:

14. Well, she seems to have a type:

Well, she seems to have a type:

15. But tell us what you really think:

But tell us what you really think:

16. Nothing like a special occasion to reconnect with the ones you love:

Nothing like a special occasion to reconnect with the ones you love:
=(
via - BuzzFeed