Monday, December 15, 2014

FIVE Types Of Men That Women Date, But Don't Want




Last week, I was talking to some of my female peeps and the subject of "men" was brought up. One of the gals who I'm pretty tight with kept bitching about how she just wants her "Romeo" to sweep her off her feet since every dude she's met or dated has either been 1) Crazy, 2) Weird or a 3) Douchebag. I couldn't help but laugh because honestly, "Romeo's" don't fucking exist any more. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all men are fucking scum. What I am saying though is that some women are fucking delusional and need to chill the fuck out with this shit. Nice guys may finish last but the chicks who want the "Knight In Shining Armor" end up with someone who fucks them over. ALL THE TIME.

Real talk.

There are tons of dudes I know who are some stand up fucking cats. However, it's the 21st Century and to even see a man open a car door for a woman nowadays, is rare. I ain't gonna lie, I've done some stand up shit like that, just not all the time. I mean, the theory is, if your ass is already on your side, hop the fuck in. Why the fuck do I gotta go around my fucking car to open up your goddamn door? Let me guess, common courtesy right? It's "gentlemen like"? NEWSFLASH: Fuck all that and stop kidding yourselves. There's a time and a place for everything, we all just need to wake the fuck up and be real with what type of man is available out there and if you're willing to deal with that shit. Why? Because in today's world, a true Romeo is like trying to find a goddamn leprechaun. If you do find one, please note, that will last about 1-2 years until shit gets comfortable OR it will last long enough til he gets to fuck you and leave you.

Why is it that women want the world from a guy, but end up with the biggest asshole who treats them like the Asian chick in a bukkake porn? Y'all don't even answer that bc it's just a dumb ass excuse to replace the fact that some people weren't hugged enough as a child.

So what type of guys are there for those females who want a real true "Romeo" to sweep them off their feet, you ask? There are a ton, but to keep this simple, I'm going to talk about 5. All of which women don't want, but end up dating while the actual good guys who are a fifth of Mr. Romeo don't even get a second look.

Let's get things started, shall we?

#1 The Married Type:
The perfect fucking dude. Great guy. Good morals. Good attitude. Honest. Committed. Faithful. Overall, one-hell-of-a-guy that is, "too good to be true, perfect". Ladies love this type of man. Why? Well, because he fits the bill to what a MAJORITY of women want in life. Someone that will treat them right and be there til the end. This guy ranks #1 on 85% of females shopping list. There's just one fucking problem…he's married. There's also another problem…not to you. He likes you. You like him. Y'all have fucked a time or two…or ten. He all of the sudden has issues at home. He hates his wife. YOU hate his wife. He loves everything about you. YOU love everything about him.

You tell all your friends you're not into getting with married men, but uh oh…look at what you just did. You done fucked a married guy and have made every excuse in the book as to why it's not only OK but, why it's not a bad thing. Even when you know deep down in-fucking-side, you don't even know what's really going on with him, his wife, his 3 fucking kids and what they do on Sunday's as a family.

He's a "Romeo" alright…just one that's married already.


#2 The Player Type:
The perfect guy that women don't want but date. This guy cares about you, but he cares about other bitches he's fucking too. He doesn't want a serious relationship. He doesn't want a wife. He sure as hell doesn't want kids. He will undoubtedly cheat on your ass. Why? Because that's what he does. No commitment. No morals. No remorse. Straight up. This is the guy you want minus the cheating part. Sorry to say this but, this guy right here...is your only fucking option to the "no serious relationship, no marriage, no kids" resume, if that's how you wanna roll. Oh, and if you want adventurous, he's your guy. Just keep in mind that all the adventures your heart desires, won't come out of his pocket. At least for you. He'll make sure you pay for that shit on your own dime. Basically what I'm telling you is this is one of the types of dudes chicks end up with. This is what happens when chicks like to make up imaginary fucking men that don't fucking exist. Wait, what?!


#3 The "Ronni Jersey Shore" Type:
If you like to get abused and thrown around a bit, date this guy. The good 'ol jealous, "I will beat your fucking head in til you're in a coma", boyfriend. Take the "married guy" type, turn him into a psycho and this is what you get. An amazing man that will go "Sleeping with the Enemy" on your ass if you get caught slippin'. He'll be faithful, love you, honor you, be there for you. Just one thing to note, you do anything that is outside his guidelines, you'll be choking on your own blood 2-3 times a month. Hope you have enough vacation days to heal those wounds when you get beat the fuck up. Is this an over-exaggeration? Well, that all depends on who you ask. Stupid bitches date these guys then play victim. You're an adult, if you're miserable, get the fuck out of it. If you pull the whole, "I'm scared for my life" card, remember this...there is something called 911 and the goddamn police. Anyway, I'm assuming this isn't your cup of tea, right? But guess who still is dating these assholes????


#4 The Video Gamer Type:
He plays video games and is still a virgin. He's never masturbated a day in his goddamn life and if he were to shoot a wad, he could probably demolish a house with the heat he's probably packing inside that 4 inch dong of his. These guys are what I like to call A-Sexual. Not really sure what that means, other than, they don't like sex or bitches. They aren't gay and they aren't trying to become priests. The motherfuckers play video games all day and think they're real. I like a good video game here and there but for fuck's sake, ain't no video game worth more than a piece of ass. If any of you know someone in this category please do me and America a huge fucking favor...get this motherfucker a prostitute and show him what busting a nut feels like. I'm pretty sure once he shoots his first-ever-wad, he will have a new hobby...it's called FUCKING. You're all probably asking why I mentioned a guy like this, right? Because there are actual women that date these types of dudes. Then wonder why they have to buy new vibrators every month. I shit you not, people.


#5 The Gay Type:
No need for details here. These dudes don't like chicks. Well, only for shopping and drinking coffee and shit but, other than that, they don't dig the female species. They love dudes. Can't knock 'em for it so why argue. Even though they're in love with the "Hershey Highway" they are still dudes but just gay dudes. They will listen to you, love you, be true to you but just won't fuck you and be your boyfriend. Wanted to be treated like a queen? No problem. Want your fucking feet rubbed? No problem. Want to have someone to go to the mall with? No problem. Want to have tons of sex? Yes. But with other dudes. See where this is going? You my friend could be fucked beyond belief (figuratively speaking, of course). Only because, again, you want some guy that doesn't fucking exist. Get it?

5 types of guys. All of which don't have what some women want. It's shitty to not have what you want, and it's even shittier to have what you don't want, isn't it? Some chicks need to chill the fuck out and realize that the man they are trying to build will never exist. It's women like that who are angry all the time but bitch on why they are still fucking single. Don't blame men on the bullshit you like to call "reality". Some ladies say they don't false advertise and lay it all out there. I say some broads are full of fucking shit and need to stop being so goddamn blind. Hey, dreamers can dream though , right?

But if what they're saying is true, then realize one thing...guys are smart enough to roll with it just so they can sleep with females. Call me an asshole all you want, the reality is, guys will say shit just to get in your pants. And I bet the fucking house, they have been in these broads pants, quite a bit.  Then, of course, tell you the shit you don't want to hear. Ain't that a bitch?

Let's keep it real, ladies. "Romeo" may not exist so go for the next best thing that isn't any of these 5 motherfuckers. You do that, consider yourself single for a very long time that has a bright future with an apartment full of cats as your roommates.

You're welcome.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

T'was The Night Before Christmas…The Untold Version



T'was the night before Christmas,
And all through the pad,
Not a creature was fucking,
Not even your dad.

The Fireball was poured,
In a pint glass with care.
In hopes that J-Wunder,
Soon would be there.

The women were saddened by the ones in their bed,
They dreamt of the Ghetto Genius,
Showing up instead.

H-Bomb in her track suit,
And I in my cap,
Had just sat down,
For a dance on our laps.

When up on the stage there arose a roaring laughter,
I sprang from my dance,
To see what was the matter.

Away to the door,
I flew off like a thong,
Leaned over a trash can,
And threw up for so long.

The ass on that stage,
Of the woman so large,
Left H-Bomb and I,
With memories so scarred.

When what to my watering eyes had appeared,
Cat Woman had started
Stripping for beer!

With a little look around,
To survey the club,
I saw Anonymous,
Waiting for her with a sub.

Before I could catch him,
He took off so fast,
Down a back alley with her,
And that gargantuan ass.

From the mind of J-Wunder,
To the Ghetto Genius wall,
I got you back fucker,
By posting this all.

Happy Holidays to all,
And to all,
A drunk night.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

What Women Want: Part II



Dear Mr. Wunder,

Greetings from the UK! I wanted to write you to say first off, you're brilliant and hilarious. I purchased your book, "Wait…What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius" and I have to say it's been a hit with some folks out here. Keep up the great work!

The reason I am writing you is to tell you I came across "What Women Want" in your book. I'm not the most confident guy but after following your basic list of what women want and applying it when I went out with some friends, IT FUCKING WORKED! I don't know what it was, but after reading what you wrote and actually doing it, my confidence flew through the roof! Which brings me to my actual question - now that you've taught some of us guys how to approach women and seal the deal, what is your advice or list of things that we should do in bed if we ever get that opportunity? You sound like a man who knows what women (in any scenario), so I wanted to come to the man who helped me not be so shy. 

Look forward to hearing from you and thanks again for being real! 

Cheers,
Not So Shy Guy Anymore



Dear Not So Shy Guy Anymore,

WOW! I have to say you made my motherfucking week, man. Appreciate all the love coming from the UK and really appreciate you taking my advice from my book…and having it work. Like I tell everyone who follows my Facebook fan page, Instagram and Blog, I'm not here to bullshit anyone. I keep my shit real. So big ups to you and killing it with the ladies. Now onto helping you out with your question.

If there is one thing everyone (who follows me) seems to know, is that I love the ladies. I have slept with quite a few in my time. Been stalked by quite a few in my time. Been chased down in the dark ass streets of San Luis Obispo at 2am by quite a few (ok, just one crazy bitch) in my time. No matter what though, I've been going back for more, no matter how fucked up, crazy or normal they may be. 

I love sex. I love making out. I love all the shit that basically gives me a fucking boner. I'm pretty much like all men. When it comes to sealing the deal with women, let's say at a club or bar, and it's time to go home, the one thing that ALWAYS crosses a guys mind is, "What do I need to do to make this girl remember me?" Dudes can deny that shit all they want, bottom line, if you know you're about to fuck a one night stand that could possibly turn into something bigger, you want to perform and perform well. Well, I'm here to help those guys get to Super Dick status so when they lay their pipe down on those future drunk sluts (or nice wholesome girls), the girls will come calling. If not for more dick, then at least a free meal.

But before I move on with that, I do want to be completely honest. I'm not this guy who operates like this all the time. I mean, I've gotten drunk, taken a broad home and underperformed. I have my moments as has a lot of dudes and some chicks. The difference is that dudes don't say shit to their homies and chicks will tell all their motherfucking girlfriends. To you ladies out there who know I came too fast or couldn't get it up, guess what? Shit happens. I'm a man all about redemption. Don't hate. Congratulate…me…on being one of the first dudes you have ever known to admit that he ain't as fucking bad ass as he says he might be. Don't get it twisted though, you get me on a good day (which is like 80% of the time), you will roll out of my place in a wheelchair filing disability for work. Real talk. But I digress…

Ok, there are a few things that women will absolutely want when it comes to a dude fucking them. Side note: I'm going to keep this simple and basic so you goddamn freaks who like to be choked and punched in the face, you can stop reading now. I love y'all, but sometimes you motherfuckers go a little overboard with the violence and shit. 

There are a ton of things a man (or woman…if you like other chicks) can do to impress a woman in the sack. But when it really comes down to it, there are 5 important things one must do in order to make sure 1) The pussy whistles, 2) The pussy comes back a second time around, 3) You and your penis are remembered, 4) She is speechless when her friends ask, "How was it?", 5) She falls in love with the "D".  

#1: Make out
I've said this in so many columns that it's not even fucking funny anymore. Chicks LOVE to make out…and you should too. I get when it's time to get freak nasty, you just want to rip off your clothes and immediately start fucking. 

DON'T DO THAT!

Patience is virtue…or some shit like that, so what you need to do to get this fuck fest started is make out. I'm talking kissing, titty touching, neck nibbles, ass grabbing…the whole 9. Now, if you suck at kissing, you better hope the broad is drunk as fuck bc let's be honest, chicks get more turned on if the dude is a great kisser. Rhythm is everything so if you kiss like you're a 5 year old eating an ice cream cone, consider yourself fucked…for the time being, at least. 

Chicks like to be touched, gently and somewhat aggressively. Just don't do shit that will make her think you're about to beat her, tie her up then chop her into pieces. Being aggressive is cool, but don't beat the bitch up. Bites on the lip, neck, shoulder line, etc. are good spots. Remember she's human and not a fucking sandwich. 

Making out gets the engine warmed up, better yet, wet, so if you can execute this, you're on your way to a good time. 


#2: Thou shalt eat the pussy til she cometh
FACT: 40% of dudes love to eat pussy (I am in that 40%), while 60% of dudes hate it. Guys who hate this shit, need to be part of the 40%. Why? Because if you take care of the woman, she will return the favor, 10-fold. Realize that sometimes it's not all about you…asshole. 

I have written and commented many times on how much I love munching box, let alone what men should do when munching box. Remember, a vagina is fragile when it comes to putting your mouth on it. It's not a bag of Doritos so don't eat that shit like it's the first meal you've seen in 6 months. You start doing some shit to the point it starts to bleed, bet your ass you will get socked in the face and probably get the cops called on you. The vagina may not be the prettiest thing in the world, but you need to act like it is. Whether it looks normal, like a walking Arby's, resembles a bat wing or looks like beat up silly putty, eat that pussy like it's gold, my friend. Work that clit into overtime while gently thrusting a finger or two in that vagina hole. Bitches love when a dude can multi-task so when you do something like this, make sure you're gentle and a tad aggressive. Don't be licking that clit all nice while jamming your goddamn fingers in her pussy…you're not looking for change between the couch cushions, motherfucker.

Eating pussy is an art. Remember that you're the artist and the vagina is your canvas. Who says you can't get poetic with this shit, right? Next...


#3: Recognize what is right for the moment
"What does that mean, J?" I'll tell you fuckers what it means. It means that while you're hittin' the skins, you need to always know what is going on. When you're fucking, is she liking it when it's all gentle or is she asking for it to be a little rough? Is she spouting off some dirty ass shit while you're hitting the G spot? Fun fact: Chicks typically love to say some really dirty shit. Shit that would make you slap your own mamma. Real talk. 

Is she loving Missionary? Doggy? Reverse cowgirl? Does she want it in the dookie hole? Does she want to put it in YOUR dookie hole? Are you hitting the right spot to make her scream? Is she into getting punched? Choked? Fish hooked? Maybe she likes to be fucked while getting put in the Full-Nelson? 

When you're fucking, you need to recognize everything that is going on. Recognize how your dick is hitting her insides when you're in a certain position. What she says, screams or moans will let you know if what you're doing is the right or wrong thing. Don't initiate shit that might be out of line unless she initiates it first. Hey, I'm all for freaky shit but if you're fucking her doggy style, then stick your thumb in her butt while putting her in a half rear naked choke, chances are she's gonna bite your dick off because you caught her off guard. 

Let the woman take the lead while you and your pipe follow suit. Now, if she likes the dude to take command and flat out says it, by all means, go have a field day on that ass!


#4: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
For some reason everyone thinks you HAVE to fuck in the bedroom. People, it's 2014, there are kids in junior high doing way freakier shit than that. Scary to think about, right?

Boning is all about location and letting the moment take you there. Kitchen? Sure, why not…we can make a sandwich after we O-FACE. Alleyway? Dark places and homeless people turn me on. Parking garage? Beep beep, motherfucker. Grandma's bedroom? Fuck it, she about to die anyway. Rest in peace, grams. 

Never assume fucking in the bedroom is the answer. Spur of the moment shit is the best. Even if that means you're fucking in a Fiat 500 with a stick shift up your ass. You never know, it might turn her the fuck on. 


#5: The Aftermath
If there is one thing people aren't good at, after a one night stand or whatever, it's what happens after the fucking is done and over with. Sure, the sex was probably mind blowing but once it's done and both parties orgasmed a weeks worth of bodily fluids, the one thing that sticks out in both of your minds is, "Fuck, what now?" Do you spend the night? Do you pack up and peace the fuck out? Do you say you'll stay the night then sneak the fuck out in the middle of the night? Do you stay so you can get one more "good fuck" in before it gets really awkward? What do you fucking do? I'll tell you what you do. 

You let HER decide without even asking. 

Let's assume the sex was mind blowing. Let's also assume you both had a good time. What needs to happen after you done jizzed in her or on her is have HER bring up what happens next. Why? Because if you don't it, you'll look like the asshole who was just using her to get laid. Mind you, women can sometimes be like guys and want to just fuck and you to get the fuck out…or leave…depending on where you end up. 

Giving the woman the option to where she wants you to go may sound fucking crazy, but it gives you the opportunity to fuck again if that chance is realistic. You might be that guy that wants to fuck and bounce, but don't you dare tell her that. Well, if you don't give a fuck, you'll do whatever the fuck you want, but for the sake of the argument, let's say you do give a fuck because she was a bad ass bitch in bed. Letting her tell you to stay or go let's you play that card of "being on the same page" as her. If she wants you to stay, you can be like, "Sounds good, I think I will." If she says, "I got an early day tomorrow, thanks for the good time…maybe see you around?," you can be like, "I had a good time too…let's maybe do this again." If she says, "You don't have to stay if you don't want to" because she might feel obligated, then that puts you in a weird situation which I ain't even trying to fucking answer. So with that part, you're on your fucking own, homie. 

The Aftermath can work in your favor, if you know how to play your cards right so it's not fucking weird. Because let's be honest, 60-70% of the time, it's fucking weird and then fools be like, "I can't believe I fucking did that. It was great, but WTF?!" I mean, I've never done it but I'm also not right in the fucking head. 

So there you have it. 5 things to What Women Want…in bed. 

Don't forget to carry over the confidence from the first meeting. You can't go into a sexual encounter feeling like that shy guy again. 

Take this for what it's worth and spread those wings and maybe a lucky chicks vagina lips. Go out, have fun and this Christmas, put that dick in a box, my boy!

Godspeed,

J-Wunder 





Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Advice Column: The Doomed Relationship



Hi J-Wunder,

Let me know what you think about this.

Background: I been with my man for about two years now and I been with the kid since he was broke, skinny and had no car or license. Fast forward to now, he's doing way better but the relationship sucks and it's pretty much sucked since day one for me. I don't get what I put into the relationship.. cook, clean, buy this guy shit etc.. He hasn't had sex with me for months. Last time this happened about a year ago I brought it up and we were drinking so I guess he got the courage to let me know what was up, he said "you gained weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore". Well then.. realistically I didn't even realize I gained weight. I was about 155 lbs and 5'4", right now I'm about the same, weight nothing has changed and no sex. Now, what kind of dumb shit is this, really? Should I stay with someone so superficial? Should I believe the kid that he ain't fucked me because (his reasoning now) because he smokes too many trees and can't fuck? Is this a guy thing? Not to be attracted to your girl anymore because he gained some weight? I'm choked and don't know how to feel. I've been ride or die to my man, love him unconditionally and found him cute regardless of how bummy and skinny he was/will be.

Thanks in advance,
I just wanna cry



Dear I Just Wanna Cry,

I don't know why men and women stay with one another when they know they get treated like shit. Fuck all the excuses and definitely FUCK your logic as to why you're with that person. I mean, you've been with this cat for two goddamn years and you flat out said that it pretty much sucked for you since day one? What kind of Mickey Mouse shit is that? And you want me to feel sorry for you?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

There's two problems here and I'm gonna breakdown both of them. You can choose to either listen to them and take it for what it's worth OR keep doing what you're doing and still live a miserable fucking life with you, your pencil dick boyfriend and your newest vibrator you're one QVC episode away from buying for Christmas.

Problem #1: Your boyfriend

Let's be honest. He's a dick. But an honest one. Now, there's a good chance he could be lying when he said that he's not fucking you because you gained weight. FUN FACT: Men will fuck a woman if they get the opportunity to. Don't matter if you're ugly, blind, retarded, gained 20 pounds...whatever. If they can get hard and there's a wet vagina nearby, we gonna be fucking. Real talk.

For your boyfriend to tell you that and still be with you in a relationship tells me a few things:

1) He's content and lazy as fuck.
2) He probably can't get hard.
3) He grew a vagina and is afraid to tell you.
4) He knows he's ugly, has no game which makes him insecure, hence, why he stays with you. You're about as good as it will get for him.
5) You take care of him no matter how much of a dick he is to you. We call these type of women one thing - WEAK.
6) All of the above.

I will tell you right now this isn't a guy thing. See, guys who do this type of shit aren't men...they are boys who don't know sugar from shit. Your man doesn't know his head from his ass and doesn't know how to show appreciation if that shit fell right in his lap. You can't even get a measly pity fuck. That ain't right, yo!


Problem #2: YOU

That's right. You're the second goddamn problem to this equation. What woman gets in a relationship that she knows she screwed in and does it for 2 years? You know what kind of woman? Dumb fucking broads, that's who. 2 fucking years you're with this clown and you do everything for him and you can't even get a piece of ass? You serious right now? What woman stays with a dude like that? My guess are women who don't have confidence, are co-dependent, weak, delusional, naive and stupid as fuck. Don't take this the wrong way and get mad at me for calling it out but come on, sugar tits...read what the fuck you wrote me and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with this guy?"

Fuck all this shit about how much you love him and that you've been with him for 2 years. Length of relationships these days don't mean jack shit. There are people who get married within 4 months of meeting one another and are better off than the couples who have been together for 5 years. Why is that? Because some fucking people stay together just to be together. Because they are comfortable. They feel obligated. They find excuses. They don't want to be alone. The are so-called "happy" a majority of the time when we all fucking know that is the biggest crock of shit you could EVER bring to the table.

Lady, shame on you for staying with this fuckmouth and double shame on you for writing in and asking for advice when you should damn well know what the fuck to do when you know you are getting fucked more ways than just a dick in your ass. What are you? 10 years old?

WAKE THE FUCK UP and ditch this dude. Why should anyone feel sorry for you when you've put yourself in this situation and are finding excuses to stick around. If your man has been with you for 2 years and he hasn't fucked you for months, let alone, tells you to your face the reason why he isn't banging you is because you gained some weight, then you gots to fucking go. No woman should be told that...especially if she wants to fuck AND she's your goddamn girlfriend. Free pussy doesn't come around too often for men. Especially if you don't have to do much to get it. Am I right, fellas?

This ain't about you being a ride or die, unconditional, lovey-dovey bullshit of a girlfriend to him. This is about you being in a relationship you didn't want to be in and holding on while this dude that calls himself a man, treats you like shit and is there for some spaghetti, meatloaf, Tuesday night tacos and free cable.

STOP THIS SHIT BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID, STUPID.

I'm Out.

Happy Holidays,

Ghetto Genius

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

10 Of The Worst People You’ll See On Airplanes This Holiday Season


1. The “I’m in First Class so go fuck yourself” dick.

The "I'm in First Class so go fuck yourself" dick.

2. The “I will ride my air bicycle in the aisle if I want to” dick.

The "I will ride my air bicycle in the aisle if I want to" dick.

3. The “I forgot to wear clothing” dick.

The "I forgot to wear clothing" dick.

4. The “I’m ready for my close-up” dick.

The "I'm ready for my close-up" dick.

5. The “I need to air out my sweaty shoes in an enclosed cabin” dick.

The "I need to air out my sweaty shoes in an enclosed cabin" dick.

6. The “I can’t follow simple instructions” dick.

The "I can't follow simple instructions" dick.

7. The “Of course the airplane floor is a perfect crib for my baby” dick.

The "Of course the airplane floor is a perfect crib for my baby" dick.

8. The “I don’t give a shit who has to clean up my newspaper hoard” dick.

The "I don't give a shit who has to clean up my newspaper hoard" dick.

9. The “I really can’t be bothered to flush the toilet” dick.

The "I really can't be bothered to flush the toilet" dick.

10. The “I don’t care if people eat off of these things” dick.

The "I don't care if people eat off of these things" dick.

Lesson: Don’t be a dick this holiday season.



via - BuzzFeed