Advice Column: Player's Ball

Dear GG,

How can you tell if the guy you are talking to is a player, but you are unsure?



Dear Person Who Got Straight To The Fucking Point,

There are three types of people:

1) Stupid motherfuckers.

2) Smart motherfuckers.

3) Insecure/Guarded motherfuckers.

I'm going to assume you rank in one of these three categories. Now, as much as this question seems to be an "eye opening" one and possibly confuses and is on the minds of many, realize one thing...this isn't as complicated as you think.

Being a player, whether a guy or girl, isn't dependent on how well they play the person, rather, it's dependent on how well the person believes, is convinced and falls for something that is either A) Bullshit OR B) Real talk.

I've had the opportunity to be that motherfucker to play the fuck out of broads as well as get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. Karma is a bitch, ain't it?

See, being a player isn't hard at all. What it really comes down to is this:

How convincing are you to the person you're trying to play in order to get what you want?

To those stupid motherfuckers, you can say and do the most ridiculous shit and you know what? You will get laid. You will get what you want. And YOU WILL play them so fucking hard by the time you're done with that person, they will look like a two dollar hooker who has been on a month long coke binge fucking 12" inch dicks who has been hit with the ugly stick with occasional crane kicks to the fucking face. Straight up, no bullshit.

At some point in our lives, we have all done something to get what we want. Whether it's give the bouncer puppy dog eyes with a side of extra cleavage to pass the big ass line at the club, to stealing your own mama's wedding ring she got from her mom for some crack rocks that are probably made of rock salt and Ajax, we all have a shady and player side to us. Deny that shit all you want, the truth is, society is fucked up, shady and selfish. Especially you motherfuckers who want to act all wholesome and goody-goody. Y'all are probably some of the worst out there. But I digress...

Real players know their craft. They know how to talk. They know how to act. They know what to say, how to say it and when to say it at the most opportune time to make sure you don't doubt shit about them and what could be. I don't knock real players. Why? Because they know what they want. You're just the stupid fuck who falls for it. See, that's why it comes down to the person who might think they are being played.

Smart motherfuckers don't fall for this shit. And when I say smart, I don't mean a motherfucker who had a 4.2 GPA in high school and throughout college. I'm talking about smart motherfuckers who do their homework. Who can think like a player. Who can act like a player. Who has shady tendencies. Who doesn't fall for your classic, "Oh baby, you know you're the only one for me. You're all I think about" bullshit. Trust me, you know when those lines are bullshit and it's all about getting fucked then being fucked over. Following me here?

This isn't about a woman or man not trusting one another or thinking that they are out to get played. Oh, no. This is about actually knowing real from fake. What does your gut tell you? Can you call them on their bullshit if they really are bullshitting? Do you know them or do you KNOW them?

Insecure/Guarded motherfuckers are the ones players will stay away from for the simple fact these cats are like a goddamn brick wall. They've been hurt way too many times to trust anyone. How-the-fuck-ever, they present a challenge players love. It's like trying to fuck a virgin. They will go to great fucking lengths to get what they want. And when they do and try fucking over that person, guess what? Motherfuckers get crazy. And when they get crazy, tires get slashed. Windows get bashed. Dead rabbits end up in fucking beds. Bitches watch you sleep while carving your name in their fucking arm with a dull ass knife. Don't believe me, try fucking with one of these people. You're welcome.

Some players go to great lengths to play a broad. Some keep it simple. Some throw every fucking line in the book. Some are straight up and honest. The key is knowing who you're dealing with and if you're their prey or princess.

I've played stupid bitches and insecure/guarded ones more times than I can count. Got some battle scars to prove it. I'm talking like bitches got crazy and cut a motherfucker open. True story.

As for the smart ones, I've had limited success. The funny part...they knew what I was up to and flipped the script so hard on me that in the end, I was sitting there with my dick in my hand, laughing because I was exposed and got caught. Remember there is always someone smarter than the next person. You can only get away with so much shit until you meet your match and they are two steps ahead of you. That's why I'm just an up front motherfucker and if you don't like what I bring to the table, then I'll see ya. Nothing is wrong with that so don't ever knock it.

So where do you stand in all of this? If you think he might be playing you, do your homework. That's not saying you shouldn't trust him all of the sudden because if you end up accusing this dude of trying to play you and he really isn't, then YOU look like the dumb ass.

This isn't about him. This is about you, being straight up with him and finding out if it's all BULLSHIT or REAL TALK.


You can't get played if no one is willing to play.

You're welcome,

J-Wun

Advice Column: When to Catch and When to Release

Hey J Wunder,

I need some advice. For this situation and situations going forward. I recently just got back into the dating game. I met this really nice guy online. I gave him my number and we texted for awhile. We would text a lot and I would usually be the first one to text him but we would talk throughout the day. Then we had our first date he kissed me and then text me within an hour of me getting home. I thought for sure he was into me. But since then the effort has been on me. If I don't text him he doesn't text me for days and I asked him out again for our second date. We had our second date and it was awesome. He said he had a great time and we kissed again. But, since then I still feel like I'm the only one making the effort. He also deleted his dating profile online. Which leads me to believe he met someone, I'm just not sure that someone is me.

In my last few relationships I was the main pursuer but now it's been almost 3 years.

Should I continue to pursue him or just let it go? Is it too early to ask him if he's still interested or does that seem desperate? I've been out of the game so long I have no clue what how it works. I have no issue with asking him how he feels but I'm just worried its too soon.

Thanks,
To Pursue or to not pursue



Dear To Pursue or not to Pursue,

Normally, J gives me this kind of advice column because he knows I will go balls deep on your ass with no lube and grab a fist-full of hair while I am at it, but you will also love it. This time he is making me answer it because he knows I just went through some shit like this and have some words of wisdom to impart, from my heart. The first person who comments on the "kinder, gentler, H-Bomb," is gonna get a straight shot to the baby-maker. REAL TALK.

In most situations like this, I would be all Cuntface McGee and tell you to sack up, dust the sand out of your chocha and moonwalk the fuck out of there. Deuces, mother fuckers! But goddamn it, someone recently done took a hold of my cold, black, heart, and tugged on my emotions (and not just my labia), and made me think that not all men are scum-sucking wastes of time, unless they are fucking me or fixing my car.

Since this is actually about you and not about me, Imma cut the shit and get to it. He MAY be into you, he is just not THAT into you. Sucks, I know. But trust me, as this advice is coming from the place in my chest cavity that is not completely devoid of human emotion. Say it with me, sister girl, "If he ain’t tryna be with you, he ain’t that into you." From my vast and varied experience in the dating & fucking world, I know if he isn’t calling and texting you on the regular, trying to hang out on the regular and just trying to date you on the regular, he is not trying to date you at all. You, my dear, are a passing fancy. If you don’t know, now you know. Thanks, Champagne!

But guess what, Boo. You ain’t got time for that, either! Cut your losses, move the fuck on and let this mother fucker go on about his bidness. I know that most of the time, as women, we are wired to want closure, finality or what not, so that we know that whatever it was, it is REALLY over. I mean, like really, really, over. Here’s the thing, sweet tits; why give a fuck about this dude when he is giving zero fucks about you? I mean, seriously. If this guy had a fuck to give, he would have given it to you by now. Literally and figuratively.

Don’t call him. Don’t text him. Don’t email him. Don’t drive by his house, show up at his work or any of the place you think he hangs out. Cease and mother fucking desist on his ass and move the fuck on. If he wants you, he will let you know, BALEED-DAT! And if he does and it works out, awesomesauce. Invite me to the wedding, because I am a fucking blast at weddings and will do the robot for hours and drink all of your top-shelf liquor. If not, then you have all the answers you need and you can move forward without sounding like some whiny-ass bitch who can’t see what’s obvious to everyone else, including this whiny-ass bitch who has been a little oblivious.

Goddamnit. I gotta take my own advice on this one, too. Fuck you, J-Wunder, for making me do this, knowing I would figure out my own shit.

But wait, there is more! If he IS into you and puts this little effort into dating you, then do you really want to be with someone who is this lazy at dating? In the beginning of dating someone, especially someone you are really into, you put forth the effort to try win someone over and show them what a fucking catch you are and how you are better than all the other slacked jawed yokels out there. If this is this guy’s "A" game when it comes to dating, I would hate to see him 5 years later, after you two got married and you pushed a human or two out. I can just picture him in a filthy wife-beater, covered in hamburger helper, drinking Schlitz and yelling at you to, "shut that damn kid up, I am tryna watch the goddammn game." I know, I paint a prettier picture than Bob Ross, dead or alive. But guess what, sizzlean? That's real life right there, in all it's trailer-park glory.

I know dating sucks, putting yourself out there sucks and being lonely sucks hairy, rancid, donkey balls covered in crabs. But you know what sucks more? Letting someone steal your shine because you can’t let go of some fucker who is holding you back. So shine on you crazy diamond, and find some dude who sees your sparkle. And then invite me to that wedding. Where I will still drink all your top-shelf liquor and do the robot.

H-Bomb