Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Bullshit

I know what you're all thinking, "The holiday season is the best, right, J-Wunder?!" While I agree with  hearing sleigh-bells ringing, freshly fallen snow, roasting chestnuts on an open flame, the look of joy on a kid's face when opening presents, etc., etc. I want to talk about the things we all endure during the holidays in order to experience those 1 or 2 moments of sheer happiness.

So in order to keep up with the holidays (how is Christmas a little over 2 weeks away?!?!), I am going to shed some light on a few of these things you have to withstand (and many of us ignore just how awful it is) over the holiday season.

SEEING EVERY ASSHOLE YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH AT THE BARS

You know exactly what I'm talking about... you land at the airport or arrive after a long ass drive, spend a good 2 hours catching up with mom, and then you're like, "I need a fucking drink. STAT." So what do you do? You call your old high school buddies, and hit the local bar. And then the madness ensues. In order to appropriately paint this picture for you, I'm going to share a story that many of you may be familiar with that I'm sure will have you nodding your head and preparing yourself for what is going to happen when you hit town.


For the Nth straight year, you will be back home for the holidays and spend the next few days running into every douchebag, dumb broad and unlikeable motherfucker you ever went to high school with.

The journey home the weekend before Christmas will bring you face-to-face with countless Monkey Mouth Bitches from your past, each of whom you will probably have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again...which makes it even more fucking awkward.

It's going be a dysfunctional high school reunion. All the fuck faces from years ago will make their presence felt. Every last one of them...just as shitty and fake as ever. Why do you put yourself through this fucking misery every goddamn year?

Although you might have full intentions on staying at home with mom, pops, grams, G-Smooth (yeah, gramps wants to be called that), and other fucked up family members, you will admit after spending plus or minus two hours with them, you WILL grow antsy, borrow Uncle Steve's RV, and drive to the local pub...where bitches be running wild and old timers are still wearing letterman jackets and trading high school football stories. You know for a fact you're going to bump into at least five miserable assholes in the first 30 seconds.

What's in store is that bully from back in the day will be there. Fat fuck. And probably that one chick with hippy parents who last you heard, was giving lap dances at the homeless shelter for 3 pound hams and turkey legs. Real talk.

During this time at the local watering hole, you will more than likely partake in awkward activities, that include making small talk with several slapdicks who used to make fun of your goofy ass during your high school days, and reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of which you were never a part of. While the consumption of alcohol will make the evening more tolerable, you are expected to leave this awful shithole dive after realizing you have absolutely nothing in common with these assholes as you did when you were a teenager.

You'll more than likely encounter that one fake bitch who will probably give you a hug like you just got done fucking in a Walmart bathroom, even though she thought you were the custodian's kid all throughout high school and didn't speak a word of English. Bring on the hugs, cunt. Bring 'em.

After leaving Shithole Magees, you will want to hit up another local asshole spot in town, where an even greater number of douchebags are expected to congregate in even higher densities and come in all forms. Good thing you have a good buzz going, right?

Fuck mouths such as the head cheerleader, the 4.8 GPA overachiever, the rich kid, the teacher's pet and the biggest cunt of all...the high school jock, should all make a nice surprise appearance.

All these bastards in attendance will look the same except for being 15 to 30 pounds heavier, and possibly sporting facial hair and really bad plastic surgery. However, that same old shit-eating grin will still be on all their faces. Surprised? Don't be.

If the last X amount of years are any fucking indication, assholes who live in the area will not be the only ones out the night before Christmas Eve. Like you who have moved elsewhere since graduating college, many high school alumni are expected to return back home from all across North America.

Mark my words that Mr. My Shit Don't Stink a.k.a. "Hey look at me with my small penis" is going to pop the fuck up and brag about his big time job as a doctor in Florida. I can already see it: 'Long days while saving peoples lives. The pay is really amazing though and I'm blessed...and rich.'

It's predicted that the attendance of so many douchebags will likely escalate to a brawl during last call, with a scuffle expected moments after the two most popular jocks in high school argue over who rushed for more TD's and had more yardage from scrimmage during senior year. Plan to avoid these scuffles but know that you will possibly have a beer bottle or two throw in the direction of your head and a slap to the face by some drunk bimbo trying to save her boyfriend from getting his ass kicked. Let's not forget the signature spilled drink all over the shirt you just purchased.

Nothing will make your night more than that one asshole who is notorious for talking a gang load of shit. The guy is two years older than all of you. He still thinks he's a hardcore gangster and he's fighting 15 year olds. Mind you, over the last decade, he's gotten his ass kicked. Once by a girl.

Although you dread such things happening, there is a flip side to these events...for instance, finding out which low life has or is having kids...

There's that one girl who is on her 4th kid now. Let's not forget to mention it's by a 3rd babies daddy. To think she wasn't a whore in high school. Oh wait...yeah she was. And apparently, still is.

You will be dreading this misled high school holiday reunion. Every motherfucker who is like you, who you were classmates with, are too.

Ho, ho, ho, motherfuckers!!!!

14 High School Classmates You’ll See Over Winter Break

Most Likely To Succeed Turned Degenerate
While growing up, being an over-achiever made this kid feel like he was king of the world. But once he moved out of the house, and didn't have his @sshole dad breathing down his neck every second, the guy just fell apart. Sure, he might have gotten into a good school, but after realizing he could do whatever he wanted, things quickly went downhill. BUY HIM SHOTS!

Popular Girl Who Still Thinks She's Special
If she's in college, she'll probably be an even bigger b*tch than she was in 10th grade, since she's had a couple more solid years of getting f*cked (over) by football players to really cement her nasty demeanor. If she didn't go to college, chances are she's divorced, with a toddler and a unhealthy fondness of white wine. You might think this makes her easier to hook-up with, but you'd be wrong. AVOID.

Bag of Bones To Black Ops
He got the sh*t end of the bully stick, constantly. It was hard to imagine he'd ever grow big enough to be anything more than hilarious butt of joke. So to come home and find him a war veteran with battle scars and 143 ways to kill you in under a 10 seconds will quickly have minding your manners. BUY HIM BEERS.

The Late Bloomer
The late bloomer just never got the memo until she was at college. Now she's through her "awkward phase," rounded out in all the right places and acquired a good a sense of humor, turning herself into some kind of dream woman capable of amazing things. BUY HER A RING.

Nerd Turned Billionaire
While you were busy getting drunk in a field, this dude was mastering code. And since then, he's built a computer program that you're too dumb to understand, sold it for millions of dollars and now spends most of his time screwing high-end Asian hookers. Show some humility, heap some praise, and pitch your million dollar idea.

Reformed Slut
She once blew three dudes in the parking lot at lunch. Now she's on her knees for a totally different reason. Dear God.

Once a Loser, Always a Loser
Not even the college experience of drugs and alcohol can bring this kid a modicum amount of cool. He's the kid who just didn't get the memo or was too lazy to do anything about it. He could just move and put this place in his rearview mirror or become Style Overhaul Brah.

Knocked Up & Wifed Up
It'll most likely be really hard to relate to what this chick (or the guy she's marrying) are getting into. Either the situation has caused each of them to sober up and assume responsibility or to completely go off the deep end in denial. We'll drink to that.

Jock Turned Cop
He messed with nerds in the hallways, now he messes with everyone on the road.

Hot Slut Who's Still Slutty But Not as Hot
I always thought taking loads to the face and throat would keep the skin and body fresh and nourished, but sometimes chicks take their looks for granted and figure 'hey, i just need to show up to get plowed'. That's totally true until you can't form words, reek of cigarettes and puke, and your muffin top pours out over your baggy sweatpants.

Style Overhaul Brah
He was once a punk, now he's preppy or vice versa. He let his hair grow out after rocking the buzzcut for his entire life. He now rocks the Ryan Dunn beard (as a tribute?). The assumption here is he was trying to not let what happened in high school happen in college. Shrewd move, but everyone knows you pissed your pants in gym class.

Hot Chick Turned Fat Pig
She had a ridiculous body in high school and could eat whatever she wanted without gaining a pound. She must've ditched the bulimia routine in college. Freshman 15? Try Freshman 50.

New Accent Guy / Girl
They study abroad for a semester and they think they're citizens. Or they go to school in the South and come back spittin' "y'alls".

The Gay Kid Finally Came Out of the Closet!
Of course, it all depends on where you went to school, but the majority of people are happy this happened. Now, instead of persecuting him or her for pretending to be someone he or she isn't, now we persecute him or her for being so over-the-top, in-our-faces with their gay pride. We get it, just chill and tell us who else you think is gay.

via - Co-ed Magazine