Party Animal

Advice Column: Locked Up

Dear J-Wunder,



You are the only one who can truthfully answer my question from a man's point of view. My man has been locked up for fourteen months and is due to be released in two months. We have been together for seven years and have two kids, which is the only reason why I would stay with him during his incarceration. I have been faithful, 100%. However, I can no longer control my urges to stay faithful. I so badly want to get dicked out...I have already picked out a potential penis and I don't know if I'm able to stop myself. I'm like a lost and confused puppy, I've gone so long without sex I feel like a born again virgin. Am I fooling myself if I think I can fuck another guy and it won't ruin my relationship? I know my man would never find out and I would never tell him so in my mind we can all go back to normal and I can act like nothing ever happened... or am I just a cold hearted "ratchet bitch," -- because I feel like I am sometimes.



Sincerely,
Dickless



Dear Dickless,

Just typing that makes me fucking chuckle…and then double check that my “goods” are intact. Whew!

Anyway, on to business...

FACT: You have been deprived of penis for fourteen solid months.

FACT: Women love the sausage.

FACT: You LOVE the trouser snake.

FACT: Me telling you it's okay to cheat will make absolutely no fucking difference. You already know you’re going to cheat. Whore.

Now, I was going to be all “desperate housewives” nosy and ask why your man is locked up, but I'm not that bored with my life to ask for details. So I'll just get down to answering your question so that you can go get your pootie waxed for your weekend smackdown with Mandingo de la Dong.

You're going to cheat. You know it and I know it. Fuck, you WANT to cheat. And guess what? You're not going to feel bad about it either. You just needed someone like me to tell you that because 1) I don’t fucking know you, 2) I know a thing or two about a thing or two, 3) If you ask anyone close to you they will judge the living shit out of you, call you a whore, and then tell your man, "Crazy Eyes," about it so that he can go kill the mother fucker and then hold you and your kids hostage so he doesn't go back to jail. Sound about right? Okay, just checking.

I don't care what ANYBODY says, knowing that you will not be getting a piece of ass for two more months, plus the 14 months you’ve already served, is a long damn time. So long that, no matter what, there is going to be a point where you can't take it anymore and will want to "get yours" sooner rather than later. And for you, Vagilina Jolie, that time is NOW. I'll be honest, I commend you for being a faithful woman to your man. However, this dude’s locked up. It's not like he's serving our country and has an obligation to fulfill. Hell no. He's not out on business making shit happen so that you and your children can live comfortably. No, no, no, no, NO. This mother fucker decided to do some stupid shit, without thinking about the consequences of his actions, and is now locked the fuck up. The irony? He’s probably being some dudes’ bitch right now, getting lots of wang from every direction, while you’re home “dickless”.

Cheating is never the answer, but you know what? It happens a lot more than people like to think. Why do you think I stay single? Because I know for a goddamn fact, I will cheat and not think twice about it. Now, your situation is much different. You've been deprived of cock for a long ass time. Mama needs something more than a bottle of wine and a plastic play date. I get it. But I also get the fact that you need to hunt down some cock before you start eating faces like them crazy mother fuckers out there in Florida. Please don't eat faces.

I'm not advocating that you cheat, I'm just saying, once you get that long awaited Mandycane jammed up your hot pocket, I guaran-fucking-tee that you will not be able to act like "nothing ever happened." Shit WILL get weird, and shit WILL get awkward. I wouldn't lie about this shit. They don't call me the Ghetto Genius for nothing.

I’m not saying you should feel bad for wanting to feel good. Just realize that even though "Baby Cockroach" might not find out, you're still going to have some other man in your goddamn head. A man who not only who nailed you good, but is probably a better guy than your man, "Tear Drop." You gotta make the bed you fucking sleep in, sweet tits. So, you better be damn sure that, with this new man, you know how to turn that "I miss his dick so much" switch off. Cause if you don't, I might be seeing your ass on the 10 'o clock news floating in a goddamn river.


J-Wunder

Wedding Rager

If You're Gonna Go To Jail, Make It EPIC!!!!!

One man traveling through Tennessee allegedly completed a crime spree with such urgency that even local police say they'd never seen anything like it.

William Todd, 24, is accused of committing 10 felonies in just nine hours while going on a "terror" through Nashville.

"He was just on a terror. I've never seen anything like this before," Sgt. Tony Blackburn, told WSMV.

Todd is not even a native of Nashville. Police say he traveled there on a Greyhound bus from Kentucky before beginning his unprecedented crime spree. Upon arriving in Nashville, he allegedly broke into a local business called The Slaughterhouse, where he stole a Taser, revolver and shotgun. He then proceeded to steal a T-shirt from the Slaughterhouse before burning the business to the ground.

Todd then moved on to a local bar, where he held four patrons at gunpoint. He robbed all four individuals but not before using the Taser on one and pistol-whipping another.

Just five minutes later, Todd moved onto his next alleged felony, carjacking a taxi driver at gunpoint. After leaving the cab, he used the credit cards he had stolen from the bar patrons to buy food.

"He was able to find the Walmart on Nolensville. He goes there and purchased $199 worth of items," Sgt. Blackburn said.

And that was only the beginning.

In the early hours of the following morning, Todd then broke into a local hotel's law office. He not only vandalized the offices but also then defecated on a desk and smeared his feces on some of the framed law degrees.

Leaving the offices, Todd then reportedly robbed several of the hotel guests. He knocked on their door pretending to be a female housekeeper, then robbed them at gunpoint. He was also reportedly crying while doing so.

He then briefly paused for a change in personal appearance.

"We have him on video leaving the hotel with a shaved head," Sgt. Blackburn said.

After crashing his stolen cab into a local parking garage, Todd then quickly held another taxi driver at gunpoint. When police finally apprehended Todd, he was hiding atop Opryland, partially submerged in a water-cooling vat. The Metro Fire Department was brought in to assist in Todd's removal from the vat, using a bucket and ladder truck.

His bond has reportedly been set at $180,000.

"He rode the Greyhound bus and had a layover, then left in blue lights," Sgt. Blackburn said. "There definitely could be more charges. We hope that there are no more victims."

via - Yahoo! News

FACEBOOK: Trying to get people arrested since 2004

Drunk, Lost, Shoeless and a Night in Jail - Part 2

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Drunk, Lost, Shoeless and a Night in Jail - Part 1

1 beer. 4 Irish Coffee's. 5 Old Fashioned. My night was over. So I thought...

I ain't gonna lie, I was shitfaced. To the point that I passed out on the train ride home. Common occurrence? Fuck yeah...the day in the life of J-Wunder, right? It was, until I ended up in West Dublin with no fucking shoes on...holding my fucking backpack.

I woke up, startled. Drunk. Confused. I took one fucking look down, and POOF...my mother fucking Adidas running shoes that had goose shit on them...GONE. What's the first thing I do? Facebook what the fuck just happened. Yeah, I was that fucking guy. I then looked up, and noticed a body fly out the door. With the drunken fucking quickness, I popped up and  began to follow this mother fucker. Then, a goddamn bum approached me...

Bum: "Yo man. I mean sir, I will let you fuck me if I can borrow your phone for 10 minutes."

JW: "Are you fucking fucking me?"

Bum: "No, but I'll let YOU fuck ME or I'll suck your cock if I can just use your phone for 10 minutes. I need to make a call to Tucson, AZ. Please, I'm desperate."

JW: "But you're a dude." *At this point, I'm just thinking in my head I shouldn't have drank that beer*

Bum: "But I'm desperate. I'll give you a handjob if you don't want the sex."

JW: *blank ass stare for 30 seconds...walks away*

15% battery life is all I had left on my phone. I'm in the wrong fucking city. I'm hammered. Goddamn shoeless. It's raining. The kicker...I'm being offered sex, a blowjob AND handjob from a bum who desperately needs to call someone in Tucson. FUCK MY LIFE. Standing there with a confused ass look on my face, I glance to my left and I see them. My shoes. It's go time...

The dude who stole them was standing right fucking there...his back turned to me. I strapped on my backpack extra tight because there was no fucking chance I was gonna set that shit down and have Bum "I'll suck your dick for a 10 minute call to Zona" Magee walk away with it. Fuck no. So I reached deep, into my inner thug, and ran at that sack of shit like a fat kid chasing down the neighborhood ice cream man. I didn't say anything...I just ran (more like drunk sprinted)...and like Ray Lewis coming full force on an all-out fucking blitz to the quarterback, I nailed this mother fucker with as much drunken force as I could...right in the back...with my backpack still on. Chaos ensues...

What was probably a 10 minute scuffle, felt like a 12 round boxing match...without the fucking boxing. Once I blindsided this fuckmouth, we were on the ground, and on at least two occasions, I tried to put him in a rear naked choke...you know, because I think I'm a goddamn MMA fighter (see what happens when you're fucking shit canned...you think you can be anything). First attempt - FAIL. Second attempt - The mother fucker was choking me. It got to the point that we looked like we were rolling around trying to play "just the tip". And instead of looking like two guys fighting, it was more like two guys fucking. After he got me good right in the fucking kidney, "The Hulk" came out of me. I'm talking some Bruce fucking Banner shit. I was able to mount this guy and go to town on his face.

Blow after blow, after fucking blow, I was throwing everything at this guy. To his face, head and chest. You name it, I was pretty much hitting it. And this whole time...my backpack was still fucking on me (big shout out to Swiss Army for making such an awesome fucking backpack, btw). I'm gassed, still wasted and this dude looks like he just wants to give up on life as a whole...so I decided to go for it. I turn around and attempted to rip my shoes from off his feet. While this is going on, we're basically doing a goddamn 69 and this mother fucker out of the blue, tries to bite my fucking dong and ball sack. Like literally trying to eat my cock and balls, as if he was at a sit down dinner at Wienerschnitzel. Meanwhile 10 feet down...that bum that offered me sex for the 10 minute phone call is standing there watching this whole thing. Just smiling as if he was watching a fucking movie. Eating bon-bons and shit. I finally get my shoes off this dudes feet. Here's where the shit went into a tale of WTF.

I was angry. Angry because a night of drinking and taking the normal drunk train ride home, turned into waking up in another city, with my fucking shoes stolen off my feet, while passed the fuck out. I did nothing. I minded my own business. Then some asshole had to go ruin my night by thinking he was Robin Hood, and stealing my shit. My backpack (which is still on me this whole time) is one thing, but my shoes? Really mother fucker?! My fucking shoes?! Knowing that was the case with shoes in hand, I didn't think...I mounted this dude, put my shoes on my fists like boxing gloves, and started to punch this sonofabitch in the fucking face. No joke. Real talk. That shit actually fucking happened.

I couldn't stop. The fact that I actually put shoes on my fists and was leaving footprints on this guys face was not only incredible, random and awesome...but just straight up fucking WINNING. Then all that shit came to a fucking halt when the cops came...

To be continued...

Bail Money

It's a Stab-a-bration!

Call it Self-defense

Mugshot of the Day

Someone was hanging around the local Junior High one too many times. 

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

No time for the funny bullshit introduction.  Time to review Episode 4 regarding my mother fucking overly tanned peeps from the Jersey Shorrrrrrrrrrreeeee.  

The day after the arrest:
You got a DIP (Drunk In Public) and now you are a changed woman?  Stop bullshitting yourself Fatty Magee, about how this is a wake up call and your life is about to drastically change.  The day you stop drinking, is the day I'll stop having sex.  Ain't gonna happen little lady.  The problem you have is that you drink like alcohol is about to go fucking extinct.  The booze ain't going anywhere, so why drink it like you're running a 40-yard dash for time?  Apparently Miss Snooki is blaming the crazy drinking on some dude.  Yeah, I've heard that one before.  Does this mean you'll be blaming that extra 20 pounds on fame and fortune too?  Control yourself bitch.  You need to get laid ASAP so you can put more cock in your mouth and less cock-tails.  Real talk.      

Doppelganger Ronni:
Hey, when I saw this dude that looked like Ronni, I almost fucking died.  LOL!  I mean, the fucking dude actually looked like he came out of the same vagina Gorilla Ronni did.  A-MAY-ZING!  From the dancing to the whole fucking demeanor, Doppelganger Ronni could have fooled the entire country.  What I was really hoping for was he pull the switch-a-roo and get into Sammi's bed and slip it in real quick.  Knowing that bitch Sammi though, she probably has a big ass shield on that angry vagina.  It's all good Doppelganger, at least you got to suck face with Big Titty Deena and flick her bead.  Thumbs up big guy!

Deena the Wingman:
This bitch annoyed me up until I saw her go out with M.V.P.  Once I saw her inviting other chicks to take shots from her body then make out with her, I gotta say, I was fucking impressed.  Sure the chicks she was making out with looked like they got slapped with the goddamn ugly stick, but the fact that she just turned another woman into a bi-sexual on the spot...how could you not love this whore.  Even better...she didn't hate on M.V.P. once.  Any chick that doesn't hate while going out with the boys is a fucking winner in my book.  Ladies, take notes on that shit.   

Sammi...still a hater:
Sammi, Sammi, Sammi.  I thought I would never say this on my blog.  Let alone on a Jersey Shore review.  But you know what Sammi...you're a fucking CUNT.  Yup, that's right.  You are a big ass cunt that hates on everyone and needs to get either thrown off the balcony or tossed in the ocean.  Soon.  Your roommates hate you.  The nation hates you.  MTV fucking hates you.  My mom who doesn't even know what the Jersey Shore is hates you.  Just leave bitch so we can actually enjoy watching 60 minutes of the show and not 35.   

That Kettle is definitely BLACK:
Just when I was wanting you to beat the shit out of Sammi you go and do this.  You become a typical fucking hypocrite.  Lets not forget - a bitch, slut and fuck face.  You probably don't think it's bad that while your boyfriend's at home you can just talk to a dude you're attracted to.  Girls love to say that shit is ok.  Fuck that.  If that shit was flipped the other way around, all hell would break loose.  JWOWW, if you're unhappy bitch, just break up with your fucking boyfriend.  I don't know about you or anyone else but, "alone time" to me means it's time to break the fuck up and not worry about some mother fucker getting mad at me for talking to anybody.  Trying to have your cake and eat it too is gonna bite you in those big ass titties you got really, really hard.  You talk all this shit to Sammi about Ronni and look at what you're doing.  So what you're not hooking up with that big ass douche bag.  You're on his nuts so bad that you mine as well fuck him.  It's the same shit bitch.   

Pinot's ok, right:
Snooki gets out of the drunk tank, she's a changed women.  Doesn't drink for 2 days, she's blessed by Jesus.  Here comes day 3 of no drinking and all of the sudden she's trying to fucking rationalize with bitch ass JWOWW on boozing again.  "Pinot's ok, right?  Pregnant women drink Pinot, right?"  No bitch.  Pregnant women drink Pinot because before their ass got fucking knocked up, you know what they were doing?  Drinking.  Drinking Pinot, cocktails and shots.  All the shit you do, but on a much lower level.  Add in some fucking sex, and you have yourselves a goddamn party.  This comes back to what I was saying earlier lunch box...boozing ain't bad if you don't drink it like it's going out of fucking style.  Pace yourself so you don't have to run into this problem ever again.  What am I saying...bitch, just drink and whatever happens, happens.  Quit whining like Sammi.     

Yeah he left, AND took the bed: 
You ain't so bad ass now, huh JWOWW?  The guy you like to call ASSHOLE left you along with the two dogs back at the pad.  What's even better, the mother fucker took your favorite watch, hard drive, cash and the best part....THE BED.  The dude took the fucking bed.  That's how much he hates your ass.  I have hated some bitches but not enough to take the goddamn bed with me.  Wow.  Was it worth it?  Was it worth trying to be some bad ass bitch and lead your boyfriend on?  You couldn't just have broken up with him and make a clean break could you?  Hell nah...you had to act like you ran the shit.  Look where it got you.  Broke, watchless, hard driveless and a floor sleeping mother fucker.  That's a damn shame.

Could the drama get better next week?  It's the Jersey Shore...of course it can.  

15 Foot Voices

I get to Fruitvale BART station and enter 4 women. These weren't your typical pick of the litter type chicks. These bitches were loud and pretty fucking annoying. Look, I get that you want to have a conversation with one another, but if you're all standing 15 feet away from each other (in a non-crowded train), why the fuck do you gotta yell?! Do you really think people want to hear how you're preggers and your baby's daddy still hasn't given up weed yet? Or the fact that "JoJo" isn't gonna pay you back for you bailing him out of jail last week? Ladies, please...SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can't even hear music on my IPod because you four are so fucking loud.

And to the one girl that keeps looking at herself in the window...you're not cute. Please stop looking at yourself and puckering your lips up like you're gonna make out with someone. Your mouth looks like a deformed vagina of some sort.  Also, that shirt you're wearing...yeah, you do realize its 3 sizes too small for you right? Not to mention the sunglasses that could barely wrap around your chubby ass face. That's why you have marks on your face, b/c your fake Gucci glasses don't fit, just fyi.

It's okay to stand or sit closer to one another.  If it's attention that you need, go to the fucking zoo.  I'm sure there are hundreds of people that would be more than happy to throw food at you, take pictures with you or just want to hear the noises that are coming out of your mouth.  Fuck, now you got me all worked up and you're making me want to throw someone off a ledge (kidding of course) because of your stupidity.

What's that smell?