Advice Column: Nothing Wrong With A Little "Window Shopping"

Dear J-Wunder,

Plain and simple...are men and women who are in relationships allowed to be attracted to the opposite sex? I don't think so but my boyfriend does. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Love,
It's About Trust




Dear It's About Trust,

You sign off as "It's About Trust" but you think it's not right to be attracted to another guy while being in a relationship? You realize you sound like a fucking idiot, right? Look, what I'm about to say, does not apply to all women, so please don't take this personal. But, women are fucking crazy bitches. More like...head cases. Nah, maybe jealous. Ok, definitely all three. Not all women though, just the majority. And you little lady, are in that "majority."

What women (men are guilty of this too) fail to realize, is that just because you're in a relationship, attraction towards the opposite sex is still there. What? Did you think that shit just fucking vaporizes into thin air once you commit your pussy to one guy? You become blind because you're in a relationship? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Let me tell you something, you 5-time gold medalist of the Crazy Bitch Olympics...I remember this girl I knew back in the day. Amazing fucking girl. Lips of an angel. Tits of a Playboy bunny. A hatchet wound so fucking pure it would have made Jesus sin. This chick was pretty amazing until I finally dated her ass. Take Fatal Attraction with that bitch from the movie "The Crush," and you have created the craziest bitch I had the privilege to date. FUCK.MY.LIFE.

Once I heard those words, "Yes, I'll go steady with you," my life was over (Don't laugh, bitches. I went Saved By The Bell style with this shit). If I looked at any girl, or they looked at me, some motherfucker was going to get their face smashed in. Or die. I wouldn't lie about this shit, people.

Never in my life did I feel like such a little bitch. It was like I was being told that no other woman existed on this planet, besides her. I mean, I looked down at the ground so much, that after we broke up, my ass was in one of those fucking neck braces for weeks, just so I could look up like a normal person. Pretty fucked up, right? Ok, that was a lie, but I swear I had to have my homeboys hold my head up during lunch time because it looked like I was all mopey and had sand in my vagina.

It was this kind of fucked up relationship that made me realize, "If I'm with you, don't even fucking tell me that looking at another woman is not okay." Sorry to rain on your parade bitch but, we're surrounded by the opposite sex on a daily basis, and if I wanted to fuck that chick that's been showing me her ass crack for the last 5 minutes, I would. But I'm in a relationship. Nothing is wrong with window shopping. Because that's all it is...window shopping. With an occasional trip to the pisser to tug on my dick for 5 minutes thinking about thong girls calf muscles. But no purchases are being made. Not even a lay-away plan. So back-the-fuck-off. Ya dig?!

Not to mention, your man is cool with this shit because he knows he's coming home to you at night. Well, unless he's really fucking some chick then coming home to you. That wouldn't be cool. But it would actually be funny because it sounds like your ass has him on an extremely short leash. Honestly though, being attracted to someone is nothing fucking new. I say, if you aren't happy about it, good luck staying fucking miserable the rest of your life. It's women like you that are so fucking irrational about shit like this that your ass needs to be shook once in awhile. Wake the fuck up and smell the fresh cum on your face, lady. Don't act like that guy in your office isn't hot and you wouldn't love to see how big his cup size is. Research shows people who don't trust anyone, are the ones that can't be trusted. If you think like a dog, you'll act like one. Real talk.

So please, lighten the fuck up and go ride your man's coat hanger cock more often. Maybe he wouldn't be staring at other chicks tits if he saw yours more often. I mean, it seems like he is dating fucking Hitler. Keep this shit up and your ass will be kicked to the curb. If that happens, don't be surprised if you see Facebook statuses that talk about, "The bitch that couldn't get a fucking grip because the cute concierge smiled too goddamn long." Do you want that? Of course not. The only thing you should be gripping is that pillow when you need to scream in it when your man is making you have a 60 second orgasm.

Don't be like that chick I dated back in the day. Good in bed and crazy as fuck otherwise. Let your man look at whoever he wants to. Even fat bitches. It's ok. He knows you've been looking too. And that's okay too.

I Don't Do Crazy,
J-Wunder

Advice Column: He's Not a Man, He's A Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

How come I'm out working hard to make sure all of our bills are paid and all the time he's talking shit saying I have a man on the side?



Dear Bank Of Hoemerica,

Apologies in advance for calling you a hoe. Didn't know what to add after "Bank Of" so "Hoe" kinda sounded pretty fucking good. You're no hoe...unless you are, are you? If you are, hit me up on email. But I digress...

Sweet Tits, here's your problem:

YOUR MAN ISN'T A MAN. HE'S AN INSECURE LITTLE BITCH TRYING TO RAIN ON A HARD WORKING WOMAN'S PARADE.

I know it and all these goddamn people reading this column know it. That said, I could actually end this post and let you figure out the rest. However, I'm the Ghetto Genius and it wouldn't be right if I didn't expand on your issue and how to deal with this man who exemplifies the term BITCHASSNESS to the very fucking fullest. You're welcome.

See, in life, a majority of men in general feel that they are expected to bring home the bacon. Make the dolla dolla bill yo and provide for themselves and more importantly, their woman (or women) and any children (this includes illegitimate children) they may have. Doing that gives them this sense of accomplishment. Something to the extent where they feel like mother fuckers owe them something because of all the hard work, dedication and cheddar they bring to the table, 24/7/365.

It's in our blood. It's been that kind of expectation for centuries. Women stay home, do what they're fucking told and daddy does all the shit to support the family. There's no mystery to that. How-the-fuck-ever, times have fucking changed. It's the new goddamn millennium and women are more empowered as they should be. Equality is spreading like wild fire and bitches are paying their dues, taking on corporate America, acting stronger, more independent and doing work and getting fucking paid. Girl power is at an all-time mother fucking high and broads are making SOME men look like little fucking bitches. Your man being one of those men.

When that happens, you know what happens? Men act insecure and like little twats. This isn't about you do anything wrong in your relationship. It's not about you fucking the neighbor, your best friend or the chinese dude who owns the liquor store across the street. This is about you taking care of your shit, making shit happen and telling him with your actions, "Hey bitch, I'm paying our bills, getting paid and being a responsible ass adult. Appreciate the good I'm doing for myself and us." Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. As you work the daily grind, it bugs your man that you're a woman taking care of the family...and it's not just him. Who knew women can bring in some money, work hard and at the end of the day, not want to cook a fucking steak for someone else because they actually contributed something more than some June Cleaver bullshit. Ya feel me?

Some men want to be the Top Dawg. Why? Because who wouldn't? For years on end, men have been the go-to guy in relationships, marriages and the mother fucking world yo! Don't hate ladies because at the end of the day, it's fact. How so? Because society said so and made it that expectation. Why do you think you have a plethora of women just playing the role of "stay-at-home-mom" and not trippin' off of doing big thangs in corporate fucking America? Because men feel it's their one and only duty to make shit happen while boo-thang takes care of shit on the home front...feeding babies, cooking, cleaning and sucking wang when Honey Dearest comes home from a long ass day at work.

Today...today...TODAY is different as fuck. Ain't no woman with determination and drive trying to stay home and be some Susie fucking Homemaker. Fuck all that. No way. No how. Suck a dick fool. Real talk.

Women today and probably over a decade ago are making shit happen. Becoming CEO's, Presidents, VP's...all the shit that a majority of society said would never happen. Guess what, bitches? Shit DID happen and I'm proud to say, "YOU GO GIRLS!" Get your shit. Make that paper. Be an independent fucking woman and don't let any man get on your shit because you are taking care of your responsibilities and picking up THEIR slack. It's the 21st fucking Century and it's all about equal opportunity and getting yours...because sometimes, we can't depend on others on trying to make shit happen.

Your man is jealous. Jealous of the fact that you are doing work and getting paid. Doesn't matter how much you're getting paid, you're getting something. Something that is taking care of the both of you even though it kills you that you are busting your ass. While he probably wants you to bust your ass in the kitchen, you are busting your ass in corporate fucking America. I'm not sure what your man does or if he even has a goddamn job. All I know is that any man who has to use a front to make you feel inferior, guilty and shitty because you are trying to do what's right, is an insecure little bitch in my book.

Does he not know that people who actually have jobs sometimes might have to work hard?
Work late? Actually fucking work? Man on the side? Bitch please. I mean, unless you smell like a cum dumpster and have sex hair every night you come home from work, this cat needs to chill the fuck out and back up the fucking truck and sip on a brew that he actually has to open with his own hands. Instead of drinking pitchers of Bitchelob Ultra and hating on your ass, he needs to stand the fuck down and appreciate everything you're doing. That said, you need to stand your goddamn ground and tell this bitch of a man what the fuck is up. If you let him ride your ass with accusations while you sit there all pouty and shit, guess what? He's gonna keep riding you like bitches ride me off in the sunset. Be a woman and tell him what's up.

I'm a realist and the reality of your situation and how society works today is this - Women are making a fucking mark on the map. They have been and will be for years to come. True story.

Nothing more for me to say other than put your man in check, or move the fuck on and find a man that's actually gonna appreciate you and your hard work. If you are in fact fucking another dude, then well, shame on you for making his observation a true one.

Make Money. Fuck bitches (this includes you women).

Much love,

J-Wunder