Why You Don't Steal From Your Siblings

Craigslist Karma

via - Happy Place

Karma, Karma, Karma

Gone in 60 Seconds

As I sit here, hung the fuck over, I wanted to tell all of you what happened to me this weekend. First off, a majority of you are all aware I was at my good buddies bachelor party in San Francisco. So if you're looking to hear some story about it, it ain't happening. At least not right now it ain't. Just know that I drank my life away from 10:45am til 2-3am (I think). It started with the a 12 pack of Coors Light and some shots of tequila at the golf course. That was just for me. I was fucked up by the time the round was over and well, the rest was fucking history. Never thought the man they call "J-Wunder," could drink for a goddamn party of 10 people. But shit, that's how I fucking roll. Go big or go home, right? One thing I know, is that Charlie Sheen would have been proud of me. But I digress...

What I wanted to let everyone know, was that I was fucking robbed. Not like "at gunpoint" robbed. Just robbed...whatever the fuck that means. And not by some big and bad, intimidating mother fucker either. Oh no. I was robbed by a goddamn female crackhead bum. You read that correct. I.WAS.ROBBED.BY.A.GIRL.BUM. Right before my very fucking eyes too.

There I am with my buddy at Carl's Jr. @ 10:45am. Hungry, still drunk, 1/4 hungover, smelling like jager bombs and wanting to die from the massive Charlie Sheen-ing I decided to take on last night (minus the briefcase full of cocaine). How I didn't throw up, is a goddamn mystery to me because if 72% of Americans drank the shit I did Saturday night, they would be in the goddamn ER getting their stomach pumped or fucking dead. I'm no alcoholic but when you combine Booze + Bachelor Party in the same sentence, I go out like it's the last fucking party on earth. The funny thing about this Carl's Jr., is that it's located in the Tenderloin. For those of you that have no clue what I'm talking about, let me tell you about the place I like to call "The T-L."

IT'S FUCKING G-H-E-T-T-O. Combine the craziest mother fuckers on earth that are homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics and psych-ward escapees and you have - THE TENDERLOIN. I can honestly say, this area of San Francisco is one place if people don't know where the fuck they are, don't bother walking through it. However, if you want to get stabbed or mugged by a gang of homeless people, then have at it. The mother fuckers in this area are bigger than the mafia. More gangsta than gangsters. Crazier than your vato friend they call "Little Puppet". Mother fuckers in "The T-L" just don't give a fuck and will kill for cheeseburgers and milk shakes. They smoke rocks like the shit is a pack of Marlboro Reds. That's how these crazy fools roll. And it scares the living shit out of me, folks.

So now that you have the picture set in your head...

As my buddy and I are eating in this lovely establishment in a very fucked up area, we noticed one thing: BUMS. Lots and lots of fucking bums just cruising in and out of this goddamn place like it's a fucking homeless shelter. In about 15 minutes, my buddy and I witnessed a bum in an electric wheelchair stealing soda and putting that shit in his big ass coffee mug, one bum talking to himself and plotting on how to kill the non-English speaking cashier, and two other bums trying to steal other peoples food. This is what I witnessed all in 15 fucking minutes people. And in the 16th minute, I was greeted by a most crackheaded female bum the world has ever seen...

Crackhead: *approaching me very slowly* "Excuse me sir, can I ask you a question?" *She begins to lean over as if she's about to kiss me*

*I shoot up like a cock rising with my hands up ready to fight*

JW: "Bitch are you crazy?! What the fuck?!"

Crackhead: "I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry." *She leaves and goes outside*

I go back to my seat, finish my burger and fries, grab my phone to send a text then say, "What the fuck?! That bitch stole my phone. That mother fucking bitch stole my phone!" At this point, I'm heated, get up and yell to the Carl's Jr. employees, "CALL THE MOTHER FUCKING COPS RIGHT NOW! THAT BITCH STOLE MY FUCKING PHONE!" After I said that, all you heard were fucking crickets in a busy ass Carl's Jr. No one did shit. No one said shit. Just blank ass stares. Mouths wide open as if they were waiting for me to pull out my dong and start jabbing it in their mouths or something. They looked at me as if I wasn't speaking English. Here I am yelling that I got robbed and they do nothing but look at me as if I was a goddamn alien with a small pecker. Within seconds, I go outside and chase this bitch down. The madness ensues...

JW: *At the top of my lungs* "Bitch, give me my mother fucking phone or some shit is about to get fucking real."

Crackhead: "I didn't take nothing. I don't know what you're talking about."

JW: "Fuck you bitch. Give me my mother fucking phone or I'm gonna get Jackie Chan on your ass."

*Meanwhile inside Carl's Jr. *

Worker: "So what happened?"

Buddy: "The bitch stole his fucking phone. Did you not see him yelling this shit two seconds ago?"

Back to the confrontation...

Right at that point of yelling at this crackhead, I realized something. The louder I was getting, the more crazy homeless people were coming out from under newspapers and goddamn cardboard boxes. It was like I was finding myself in a really fucked up nightmare where I'm about to die. As if they were going to unite as one big ass Voltron Bum and attack me. I then said to myself, "Man, I need to chill the fuck out right now. No phone is worth getting stabbed with a dirty ass needle and contracting AIDS by tomorrow." I mean, my phone has a password and the battery was about to die, what's the worse that could happen? I guess the more interesting question is, what the fuck was this bitch going to do with my phone? Sell it + her vagina for $25 and a hit of crack?

I got taken by a pro. Did I deserve it? One of my good friends says it's Karma for all the shit I talk about people on this blog. So if that's the case, I'll keep talking shit because my ass ain't gonna stop. I do it for my readers and I ain't trying to disappoint you guys. All I know is that I'm phoneless until fucking Tuesday and it's going to suck big fucking donkey dick.

Having no phone is like wearing a condom...it just doesn't feel right.

A bum stole my phone. A female fucking bum stole my phone right before my very eyes. And I think that bitch took 3-4 french fries as well. This is the story of my life. Having the most random shit happen to me so I can talk about it. I guess this was a good ending to a bachelor party weekend.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Episode 9 (or is it 10) was pretty interesting. Fuck the bullshit intro. Lets go to the mother fucking play-by-play, shall we? Oh, and you're welcome. Check it...


She's BAAAAACCCKKK:
Awkward moments are never fun. Especially when you think someone that left was never coming back...then fucking ends up coming back. Fuck goddamnit, we were wrong people. America knew that Ron-Ron was just beginning to find himself too. We were starting to see glimpses of the old Ronni. Looks like those plans have changed huh, mother fucker?! Surprise!!! Cunt face Sammi is back and apparently, "better than ever"! Somebody fucking throw me off a buiding...I'll stand on the ledge to make it easier for ya.

First off, bitch, you were gone for like what...2 weeks? All of the sudden, you are this NEW person. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Secondly, all this, "I'm a strong woman" bullshit, just needs to stop. America ain't fucking stupid and we all know that you are weak and will go back to Ronni, sooner than later. You may act like you don't give a shit now, but I'm betting the goddamn house that you will be fucking that dude in the next episode...reverse cowgirl style too. You know, it's chicks like you that need help. I'm not saying Ronni is a saint because that mother fucker is crazy and delusional. I mean, I've never seen a guy go from breaking shit that wasn't his, to crying like a goddamn baby in a matter of 15 fucking minutes. I do have to say though, when Sammi entered the house, the look on Ronni's face was fucking priceless. It was as if he went to the doctor's office and found out he got AIDS from fucking one too many grenades with no condom. Aaaah, the look of disappoint and fear is one to always cherish. 

From the man himself, "The Situation," I quote: "Looks like it's back to the old Sam and Ron saga..."

You're telling me mother fucker.  


Give it Up Ronni:
"You look beautiful tonight." "I don't wanna like, smother you."

The attempt to hand hold. Leaving the club before it even gets poppin'. Waiting by the door for Sammi to arrive. Ronni, I have one word for you bro: Pussy. You my friend need to sack the fuck up, drink some milk and show this bitch that she's exactly that...a bitch. Hey man, the world knows you are fucked up in the head. Not Charlie Sheen fucked up, but damn near close. So why are you confirming the fact that you are also a fucking vagina? And not a nice waxed vagina either. But a smelly, hairy, lonely and angry vagina.

Ron-Ron, do you know about 45% of people like you, kill bitches like Sammi? When I say kill, I mean, like you stab or choke a bitch out of love. And do you know why? Because you're fucking crazy bro and obsessed. You think that "love" is arguing. Breaking shit. Making people's beds out on balcony's. Crying uncontrollably while looking like you might take a knife and stab an innocent bystander walking by. Calling a girl a cunt then saying, "I love you so much baby." 45% of people are like you. 100% fucking crazy bro. I don't know what you're up to and why you want Sammi back but, for whatever the case, just know that the next big argument that ensues, I hope someone gets stabbed. Not seriously stabbed, but enough to warrant a hospital visit and maybe some questioning by the Jersey Shore Police Department.

Quit being a bitch, sack the fuck up and start being a man. You big ass pussy.


Who drank the Haterade?:
Let me give you a hint...she's overly tanned, stature of an Ewok, loves anything that smells like food and has a vagina the size of a honey dew melon. Can you guess who? You guessed it right...the Snookster!

One thing I can't fucking stand...it's a goddamn hater. Especially a hater that is not only a LUSH, but a SLUT too. That's possibly the worst fucking hater combo known to man. Hey Snooks, how is banging dudes while hating on your big dick of a roommate necessary? I mean, the dude made it perfectly clear weeks ago, that he ain't trying to fuck you if you're gonna be a hater if he wants to bang other broads. You may hate the fact that Vinny said it, but he was honest. And how could you possibly hate a dude like that, right? Oh that's right, you hate because your vagina's lonely. I guess I would hate too considering your success rate of asking dudes to bone you is a measly 12%. Ouch.

And what is this shit with Sammi, manly ass Deena and JWOWW trying to confide in Snooks? You fucking serious ladies? Hey, do me a favor...stay the fuck out of it. Don't try to give Vinny a guilt trip for something he can't control...and that's an emotional wreck named S-N-O-O-K-I. Especially you Sammi. You little bitch. Trying to talk like you're a goddamn love expert. You're the last person, anyone should listen to. If anything, you need experience what real dick taste like before you open your fucking mouth. Cunt.

Damn, I was a little angry there, huh? Who cares. Sammi's a bitch.


The Hi-Five:
Did anyone see Pauley D hi-five that chick he banged goodbye? He gave her a serious and awkward hi-five. Just one. One hi-five. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Not even an awkward hug where your ass is really pointed out and your back is stiff as a board. But a hi-five. Like the shit you give dudes for making a three-point play. What chicks give one another when they make a "kill" in volleyball. A hi-five? Shit, he got laid so I guess a hi-five is cool. But damn, that's like kissing your cousin when you see them. Not on the lips or anything. Unless you're into that.


The Broken Toilet:
I don't want to get into specific details, because when I think about it, I just end up throwing up in my fucking mouth and honestly, that shit ain't fucking cool. Just know that when a plumber sees what your toilet looks like and is scared shitless of it, then you know shit is fucking REALLY BAD.

They finally got that fucking toilet fixed after weeks of someones shit just hanging out and marinating like it was a fucking steak. Congrats you lazy, dirty, fucks! Man, I need to go and throw the fuck up now.


Karma (not the club) fucking sucks:
Cheese spreads are awesome and taste delightfully delicious. But not so fucking awesome and delicious when that shit resides in between the sheets of your bed. Without you knowing. AND while you're about to bang a broad you just brought home. One word: Karma. Four words: Sucks to be you. It was only a matter of time until some of the roommates got payback on Mr. Mike. Was it justified? What the fuck does it matter, the shit was hilarious. I mean, putting a shit load of cheese in someone's bed that you know won't wash them (EVER) is pretty clever. I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take Mike to realize that it wasn't the broad that smelled like gouda, but the shit he's sleeping on top of. Which reminds me...how is it that Mike didn't know that you could get an STD from someone giving you head? For a guy that has "fucked a lot" of chicks, you would think he would be the expert on the consequences of hooking up with multiple broads.

Fun fact of the day: A woman with a yeast infection could in fact, smell like cheese. That is pretty fucking disgusting. Wow. I really just said that, huh? I guess if you were hungry for something cheesy, it's never a bad thing to ask the chick you're boning. I mean, how often do chicks get yeast build-up between their legs? Once a month? Maybe twice? Ooookkkk...this is awkward...

What's in store for next week folks? Do Sammi and Ronni get back together? Does Vinny stick his dick back into that Fondu Bronzer of a Fountain that is Snooki? Is Deena going to get laid or will she look more and more like a man as each episode passes? America wants drama, comedy and drunken chaos. We are due for something folks. I can fucking feel it.

Advice Column: Karma Will Bite You

Dear J-Wunder,
          
6 or 7 years ago, I decided to buy a house with my wife and mother in-law.  Knowing it was a bad idea and warned by many close friends and family members, it was a bad move on my behalf.  So the agreement was, I would never see this bitch due to the fact the house had a mother in-law quarters that is fully equipped with a kitchen and all the necessities to function like an apartment...long story short that wasn't the case.

I saw this bitch everyday.  All fucking day long!  After she lost her job it wasn't too long that she started putting her two cents in all our (my family) discussions...and tried to in our decisions! For a long time my anger and comments were kept to myself due to the fact I'm really hot tempered and am a gangster.  I noticed my drinking got really heavy each day, week, and month.  It got to the point where i wasnt coming home after work.  Instead I'd be at the bar til my wife got home or evens after hours.  My last straw came after years of being quiet and seeing how much of a dirty fucking pig she was and a disrespectful piece of white trash.  It was over when I saw her open up the trash can and grab a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich out of it and started to eat that sumbitch!  Fucking gross, right?!

Anyways, I'm not gonna lie, I was getting fucking HAMMERED every fucking day, b/c when I got home I would go straight to bed so I didn't have to deal or see this bitch.  Then one faithful day (while hammered), me and my wife were arguing upstairs and I was falling all over the place....she (mother in-law) came up thinking I was beating up my wife (would never happen).  She stuck her head in the door then proceeded to give her two cents (I BLACKED OUT)!  Apparently, I knocked this bitch out and she lost her bottom tooth as well as receiving a big ass fat lip.  I knew something was up when I woke up next to no one and my body felt like I got in a fight that morning.

Long story short, we kicked that bitch out but not until she found a job...which she did supposedly in Groveland up near Sacramento.  This bitch moved in with one of her friends who is just like her.  Its been since Sept. of 2010, and come to find out, she lied about the job and is coming up with different excuses of why she hasn't started yet.  Hello cause you're lying bitch! 

Anyway, the reason I'm writing to you is this bitch is making my kids and wife feel bad and trying to get her foot back in this house because she out welcomed her stay where she is in Sactown.  No fucking job, no fucking respect, just dirty white trash.  When she comes to visit her grandkids, I leave for the time she is here spending with them in my fucking house!

AM I WRONG FOR HATING THIS BITCH AND AM I WRONG FOR LOVING HOW SHE IS GETTING DEPRESSED AND REGRETTING EVERYTHING!  WHO THE FUCK WOULD PUT UP WITH SHIT FOR 6 YRS GET RID OF THE PROBLEM, THEN START OVER AGAIN? PLEASE!

Sincerely Yours,
Karma is a Mother Fucker



Dear Karma is a Motherfucker,

I am fucking speechless man.  I thought I've read it all until I read this fucking shit.  I mean, fuck.  Wow.  Can I give your ass a hug or something?  You are like every man that hates his goddamn mother in-laws hero.  No joke.     

I'm gonna tell you something, and I want you to listen.  Listen really good because J-Wunder's advice is 63% useful, 100% honest.

I understand she's your wife's mom.  Your kids grandma.  That's all good.  But anytime some fucking person (including your Oscar the Grouch mother in-law) tries to put their two cents into your personal business, all goddamn bets are off.  I mean all bets.  Motherfuckers are about to get choked type of seriousness.  I don't care if their fucking name is Pope John Paul XXLVIXABC.  You don't go there.   

Yeah, there is a respect factor because she's your mother in-law.  But there's a fucking fine line.  And if you don't draw that line, those bitches will take full advantage of the situation and keep running their mouth and make your life fucking miserable.  Hence, the reason why her ass got booted and is living in the sticks of Sacramento.

What you did, people probably would say it was fucked up and unjustified...just a little.  I mean, you punched a bitch in her mouth, gave her a fat ass lip and didn't even remember.  Wowza!  Personally, I thought that shit was fucking hilarious though.  Not many times do you hear from someone, when they had an argument with their in-law, "I knocked this bitch out and she lost her bottom tooth as well as receiving a big ass fat lip." In life, you should never hit a woman. But you being as hammered as you were, that bitch must have said some shit that was not nice. AT ALL!  Man, that ain't right but amazingly funny as fucking hell!

But in your defense, you were beyond fucking wasted and blacked the fuck out. I don't know whether to shake your hand, slap you or report you to the goddamn cops. I'm sure your bum-like mother in-law deserved that shit though.  I'm just baffled at the fact that this broad reached into the fucking trash can, grabbed a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich and started to eat it.  WTF?!  It's not like she made a sandwich, ate half of it, left the other half on the counter, came back 15 minutes later and finished it.  The shit was already in the fucking garbage and she must have said to herself, "I'm hungry...oh snap, I think when I was throwing away those rotten eggs I saw a half eaten grilled cheese sandwich in the trash. I think I'm gonna eat it.  It looked really tasty."

I'm no fucking rocket scientist but, trash cans contain tons of shit that should not be consumed.  I don't care if that sandwich was sitting on the very top or on some fucking paper plate.  You got kids and the only thing I could imagine was that sandwich chillin' on a fresh diaper your kid just shit their brains out in.  And I'll tell you this, kid shit ain't fucking pretty.  Either your mother in-law has an iron stomach or she is half fucking transient.  My guess is as good as yours.  I guess that's why she's not married anymore, right?  Putting shit in her mouth that is equivalent to a homeless mans cock that hasn't been washed for 10 years.  Fucking gross.

Don't feel bad for feeling good.  This bitch did it to herself and it wasn't her place to put her nose in business where it didn't belong.  When she did, her ass got knocked the fuck out then kicked out.  Your situation is kinda like a relationship with sex.  Just because there's an extra hole you can put your dick in, doesn't mean you can.  Cross that line, you either back the fuck off...or get AIDS.  Your choice fucker.  Looks like she got AIDS and is regretting putting that dick in the hole she wasn't suppose to.

Godspeed Amigo,

J-Wunder