Advice Column: Who's Your Daddy???

Dear J-Wunder,

My friend has a habit of dating low-life scumbags and has recently become impregnated by one of them.

I've tried to be as supportive as possible but she's making very poor decisions regarding the most probable baby-daddy and I just can't be supportive of these decisions.

Do I just back off and stop communicating as much with her?  OR do I tell her this is THE #1 mistake she will be making and tell her what's on my mind?  What do I do as a true friend???

Sincerely,
Trouble with Preggo Friendo



Dear Trouble with Preggo Friendo,

"Scumbag" and "Probable Baby-daddy" in the same advice column? Wow! You fucking serious? This is truly amazing. Not for you or your friend, but for my readers.

From reading your email, this situation leaves your friend, who sounds like her hobby is cock, with a really fucked up dilemma. Honestly. I mean, just reading the words "making very poor decisions with the most probable baby-daddy" makes me wonder, how many dudes did she nail before finding out she was pregnant? Don't answer that. Please.

Any woman that decides to spread eagle probably asks themselves a few things before doing the nasty:

1) Is this guy I'm fucking, worth it? Like, is this motherfucker marriage material and shit?

2) Does he have some type of wart or growth on his dong? I would love to fuck him, but will I be pissing flames tomorrow morning?

3) Would I actually date this guy? As in, not just have sex after a few drinks but have sex after a sit down meal at KFC?

4) Am I fucking him b/c I like him or am I fucking him because I really miss cock right now?

5) Is he a scumbag/douchebag? All the dick I know and love can't just be these guys, right?

Five simple questions/thoughts that go through the average woman's mind. For your friend, I bet none of these questions even touched the fucking surface. Basically, what I'm telling you is that your friend is a whore that you shouldn't look after and be that shoulder to cry on.

KILL ALL THAT NOISE.

She has shown that when dick comes to town, common sense, decency, and non-ratchet-ass behavior goes out the window like the men she bangs moments after she bangs them. When she gets dick on the brain, she melts. Not in the good way either. Like when you leave a tub of butter in a car in Fresno in July. Her brain is all congealed and shit.

Look, I get you're friends with her. You've seen her track record. And I'm almost certain you've been there for her when she contracted herpes from that "hot" guy during spring break in Mexico, then gonorrhea during that threesome for her 30th birthday party in Vegas.  Whether it was physical or emotional issues, you were there.  I feel bad that you had to see and hear about the physical stuff but I guess that's what friends are for.  BTW - what does gonorrhea look like up close?  Better yet, what does it look like on a vagina?

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!

But c'mon, she's a grown ass woman that should be able to figure it out on her own. She's having a fucking kid for crying out loud. Sure she doesn't know who the real dad is and might need Maury Povich to help her solve the case. And it's possible that suspect #1 might leave her for some blonde midget prostitute in Tijuana, but shit...don't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.  You ain't Mother fucking Theresa, nor should you be.

Don't tell her what's on your mind because in the end, she's going to make bad choices regardless.  If she can fuck a bunch of dudes and not know who the real father is, what makes you think what you tell her, will snap some sense into what she's doing?  That's real talk.

Be her friend, but don't be her therapist and savior.  That's what Dr. Phil and God are for.

Safe Sex is Good Sex,

J-Wunder

Must be a footlong

Advice Column: Who Dat Attention Whore?

Dear J-Wunder,

Attention whores. You know the ones...they start out young like in high school and probably have serious daddy issues. Things have gotta be all "me, me, me" and if the attention is somewhere else, they divert it back.

They know EVERYTHING about everything, got an opinion on it if they happen to not. Crazy elusive and mysterious diseases? Been there. Problem childhood? Theirs would put Rosemary's babies to shame. Often "front" and pretend to be someone/something they're not to gain the attention. Fake ass bitches.

Would love your thoughts on who men, but especially women, love to hate.

Love the blog,
Attention Whores Have Issues


Dear Attention Whores Have Issues,

When I was in high school, there were these group of cunts that walked around campus like they were the shit. I would tell you what their clique was called, but unfortunately, I never paid fucking attention. It might have sounded something like, "Cunt Face Bitches Who Suck Cock for Marlboro Reds".  Yeah, sounds about right. Anyway, after high school, all these bitches grew up, didn't do shit with their life but got a job. You know as what? ATTENTION SEEKING WHORES. Who knew there was actually a job where you didn't get paid, but worked overtime to make sure people knew you were the most annoying bitch on the motherfucking planet. Go fucking figure, right?

I'm gonna be real and whoever hates me after this, I don't give two fucks. Why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. Shall we?

Breaking down an attention whore is quite fucking simple. Like you stated above, they will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get attention. See, it doesn't matter what you do, if it doesn't involve them, it bugs the shit out of them. If you don't know what I'm talking about, this should give you a rough idea:

The Facebook Whore:
I like pics. You like pics. However, attention whores LOVE pics. Of themselves. Meaning, with no one else. In a bikini. Doing the duck face. Looking (or trying to be) sexy. At the club. In the bathroom. Teasing future stalkers and ex-boyfriends. You get my point.

10 photo albums. 2,163 pics. 2,161 of just them. While one being of their ugly ass fucking mutt and the other one of a shitty sunset they took through a goddamn screen door.

Anything that drives people to go to their page, lets them know what they're doing is awesome. And don't even get me started with their bullshit statuses on 1) How awesome they are, 2) How much they love sex, 3) Living the baller life...blah, blah, fucking blah. You know what is great about the internet? You can fucking lie like a motherfucker. The Facebook Whore lives in that world. A goddamn lie...because bitch, we know that's not how you roll. No one would fuck you, not even sure you got a damn job, your ass is always broke, and you barely got any friends. The only reason why people don't "unfriend" you is so they can make fun of you. 

Really nothing more to say but, go seek help, bitch. The worst part...they really have nothing going for them. And they wonder why they're single. Next...

The I've Been Through It All Whore:
Anything you went through, this cunt has went through, but 10 times worse. If you had cancer, they had terminal cancer with a hint of AIDS but was miraculously cured by sucking cock in an 18 man gangbang Bukaki style. Have a hard time sleeping? Don't worry...they haven't slept for 4 years straight and cured that by masturbating to Kenny G while sipping warm milk and wearing self-made ear muffs. Rough childhood with abusive parents? That ain't shit because they were stabbed in the chest at age 4 while fighting their drunken father in hand-to-hand combat, in a coma til age 13, then woke up knowing 10 languages and the meaning of fucking life. They could have been a doctor. They could have been the next mother fucking President of the United States. Instead, they are single, have 2 kids from an asshole ex-husband, don't know long division, and think their 3 day a week job deserves to be salaried. Moving on...

The Me, Me, Me, Whore:
You might as well throw the top two categories into this one because honestly, attention whores are all about ME, ME, ME, right? I've met some annoying motherfuckers in my life. But the Me, Me, Me, Whore takes the goddamn cake. No fucking joke.

Anywhere this bitch goes, so does the idea that all the attention needs to be on them. Heading to a friends birthday party, VIP style...guess who is gonna make sure the birthday girl plays second fiddle? Yup, the Me, Me, Me, Whore. Oh, got a lavish wedding you're going too? The Me, Me, Me, Whore will be the only bitch wearing a white Vera Wang dress along with the bride. Awkward? Not to the Me, Me, Me, Whore. That shit comes natural. Fucking twatface.

It doesn't matter where these bitches go, or what they do...they will ALWAYS make the attempt to turn the tables so everything and everyone is focused on them. That means if they have to cause a scene over some bullshit, they will. They're shady. They act like they care about what you're saying, then in turn, fuck you sideways and try to make you look worthless. Which reminds me, these cunts, are notorious for playing the passive-aggressive role. And if there is one thing I know about society, it's that we hate motherfuckers that play the passive-aggressive role. The Me, Me, Me, Whore's are masters of it. Real talk, no one should trust these bitches if they even paid you (ok, for a million fucking dollars, I'll pretend to trust the slut).

The secret to these attention seekers is that they love to play the person you can lean on, that way you can trust them. Then, depending on what day it is, they end up fucking you with a brillo pad (those rusty, old ass ones too) but end up playing the victim. Because that's what attention whores do. Set-up situations so everything is focused back to them. The 5 minutes of work they put in on "being a friend" and you "gaining their trust", will end up turning into the worst fucking moment of your goddamn life. True story.

Please note: I really don't think what I just wrote in this last paragraph made any fucking sense, but lets just pretend it kinda did. Ok, thanks. I need some mother fucking coffee STAT.

In any event, these fuckmouth bitches want everything gravitated towards them. No if, and's or but's about it. End of story. 

So if you see this happening, powder that hand mother fuckers and keep the PIMP HAND STRONG because that's the only way we can put these fuckers in their place.

Attention whores aren't anyone's cup of tea except their own. That's why these bitches are miserable, single, don't have a real job, lie, talk shit, are passive-aggressive, ugly on the inside, eh on the outside, awful story tellers and straight up, no doubt, 100% fuckmouth cunt fucks.


Haters gonna hate, good thing I speak the truth.

Fuck 'em,

J-Wunder

Cheap, fast & easy

Big Shout Out

How Sluts Become Sluts

Who would have thunk this is how sluts become sluts...