Some Women Should Not Be Women...Or Ask Questions

Every Term For Penis And Vagina Known To Man

Advice Column: Double Meat...No Extra Charge

Dear J-Wun,

I have been reading your blog and loving it, thank you for the honesty and the entertainment.  As I was laughing my bag off, all of a sudden it hit me, you're the only one I want to answer my question.  I am a 30 year old woman, who has done her share of dating, relationships, one night stands, and the like. But something has always inhibited me...my large labia.  Wait, what? Yep, I said it, my inner lips are larger than my outer lips.  It's always on my mind during sex, especially oral sex.  I think it's worth mentioning that I am pretty easy on the eyes, and definitely keep my lady bits clean.  While I have never received any complaints, (uhh....your vag is gross) and have had plenty of lovers, my insecurities remain. Are men talking about this to their friends behind my back?  Are men really turned off by this?  I have heard many a comedian mock the subject, as well as guy friends comment things like "I can't stand when a woman has too much roast beef"  or "meat flaps are a total turn off."  I have considered and am still considering surgery, as honestly, I don't really like what I see in the mirror, and I can't imagine a man finding it appealing.  So, my question is, just how big of a turn off is this?  I want a man's opinion who loves women, and who has had more than just a lover or 2 to give me some real advice, and I know I have come to the right place. If your lady had "too much roast beef" would you want her to do something about it?

Many Thanks,
Large Lady Bits


P.S. I apologize if this was covered in a previous post, I have yet to read all of them.

P.P.S. I think you're sexy as hell, just sayin.



Dear Large Lady Bits,

I read your email this morning and to be honest, I fucking laughed. First of all, you have some brass fucking balls to email me a question like this and second, the fear you have should really be no fear at all. What I'm about to tell you, a lot of folks might not agree with but in the end, you're kinda on that winning end of it all. So let's do this shit!

FACT: Vaginas are ugly.

FACT: Penises are ugly.

FACT: Vaginas are way uglier.

FACT: Penises are uglier than vaginas IF they are not circumcised or their cock looks like it swallowed a coat hanger.

FACT: SEX IS AMAZING so it really doesn't matter what the fuck your junk looks like if you lay it down right riding the Pound Town Express.

I banged a broad back in 2003 who probably had more roast beef than your average Subway sandwich. The night I went down on her, and was about to go to town on her Golden Corral, I was amazed at what I saw. Here was a fine ass woman with an amazing body whose vagina looked like it went through one too many gangbangs and possible child births at once. It was like her pussy exploded and someone left that vagina to die alone. There was so much vaginal meat that I didn't know whether to lick it, suck it or chew on it like beef jerky. But being the romantic and horny man that I am, I did what I do best - I ate her pussy like a champ.

By no means was this something that was easy to ignore. I mean, her pussy was overflowing with more pussy. It was like a head within a head, within another fucking head. Incredible shit, right? After she O-FACED, I rose up, she laid me down and did things that would almost make a grown man cry. She fucked and sucked me til I started drooling and sucking my thumb, crying for just a titty to suck on. Bitch came correct. Bulging vagina and all.

What I thought was strange, wasn't so strange after all. Why? Because she has a vagina. I love sex. I also love eating the pootie even if the meat hammock might look like a 100 car pile-up. No heterosexual male I know, would turn down pussy that had extra meat curtains. Now, if your hoo-ha smelled like a decomposed body or had more hair than Don King, shit might be different. But pussy is pussy (unless that shit is describe like what I just said prior) and no man would ever turn down pussy. Especially if that pussy is going to come correct and fuck a man like he wants to be fucked.

The insecurity you have about your meat locker is normal. Sure your box doesn't look like the other normal boxes that women have in their in-between, but who gives a shit. You think guys who have anteaters don't have some sort of insecurity (btw - my shit don't look like an anteater)? I didn't know some dicks come with free coats til my buddy exposed his member in the high school locker room. I was shocked and thought this cat had a dick deformity. But like I said, penises and vaginas aren't pretty. That's why the power of sex overcomes all that shit.

Don't get it twisted, as much as men love vagina and women love the dick, people talk. Ladies talk. Men talk. It's habit. Just know this...if your pussy is as good as you say it is, then no man will say more than what they need to say. If you're money in bed, no man is going to talk about how fucked up your vagina looks. However, if you suck, you're fucked. So I guess what I'm telling you is - DON'T BE BAD IN BED.

Great sex, whether it be oral or physical always overcomes the appearance of the wang and hatchet wound. Well, unless you got some weird shit going on like some goat cheese, warts and other things I wish not to discuss at this moment in time.

If your 18 wheel mud flaps are really fucking with your head, get the procedure. No need for this shit to eat at you 24/7. But if you're all good and fuck a dude right...don't fret. Consider those meat hammocks added value.

Every man loves extra meat...with any meal.

Much love,

J-Wun

What if?

The Vagina Chronicles

While this happened to me, this is really my vagina’s tale of woe. I am usually a good vagina owner, but this time I done fucked my girl up, bad. Normally, I take her to nice places, buy her lovely underwear to keep her safe from the elements and am actually somewhat discerning about who I let play with her (moreso these days). While I think she can be an angry cunt sometimes, for most part she is my best friend who lets me experience one of the greatest things you can experience: O-Face. Seriously, if you are one of those people who say they never have had an orgasm, I feel bad for you. Because that shit is LE-GIT. If you have, you know in those few minutes of nirvana after your legs shook like you were doing The Dougie, you spoke in tongues and your eyes rolled back in your head, that nothing on earth compares to that feeling. And if I never get to experience that again, I know why. I did something unspeakable to my vagina recently and if she never gives me another orgasm, it’s my own fault. I am going to let her tell the story, because like I said earlier, it’s her story to tell.

The day started like any other. Well, not like any other, because it was a week day and we were not up at the ass crack of dawn like normal, because L-Train was in town visiting and we were going to SunFest for sunshine, booze and fuckery (follow up on that, later), but first H-Bomb had to take me to get a haircut.

Now, don't get it twisted about my hair situation. While the Center for Pussy Control was not going to receive any phone calls  for vagina neglect, I had been looking a little scruffy these days. H-Bomb had been so busy with work and so many other things that she had not had time to get me waxed properly - she had actually gone back to shaving me, which I hate. With this being Florida in May, I was feeling like I had an itchy, wool, turtle neck on all the time. I was ready to climb up that bitch, shake her and say “take me to the lady that makes me look like a plucked chicken neck before I choke slap you and never let you have O-Face again,” because, I know my H-Bomb likes to have the O-Face and I know that is the only way to get that trick to take me serious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vagina- I need to step in here and set some shit straight before you have people thinking I am some heartless cunt to my little lady friend. As my vagina stated, I had been shaving because I have had not had time to go get my buttercup prettied up. For those of you who are waxing aficionados, then you know you have to have a certain amount of hair to yank out before you actually go and yank that shit out. As of last Friday at 10:56 am I knew I had waited the correct amount of time to allow for proper hair-rippage. I will let my vagina continue from here, but I swear if that bitch gets lippy again I am going to smack the shit out of her.

So, yeah, like the “brains behind the operation” said- I wasn’t looking all Sascrotch and, but I definitely had the beginnings of a crotch mullet that was all business and no party. For the record, me likey to be nekkid and, I wanted, no NEEDED H-Bomb to take me to the lady that makes me look all shiny and smooth, like a slip and slide. I know that over the years she has gone to several people to get this done and there were some who waxed perfectly and some who shouldn’t be allowed to wax a unibrow. It’s a special skill that you either have or you don’t and you should not choose the person who drips hot wax on your most delicate of delicates capriciously. But you know what that bitch did to me? She got capricious on my ass.

We went to our usual place and we were both delighted when we saw that our usual girl was going to be available. I personally like this chick because when she gets down to it, she goes all Viet Cong when she waxes me. She comes at me from every angle, hot and fast, and when she is done I barely know anything happened. I am glad this bitch got out the jungle to help me with my own jungle. But no, this is NOT what happened that day. Since there is a slight language barrier, when H-Bomb said she wanted Mae and the person said ok, I don’t think they thought she was being serious. They would soon find out just how serious she was about only wanting Mae to take me to bald town.

When they called H-Bomb’s name and some OTHER lady started walking us back, I knew this lady was not about to go Viet Cong on me. I had an overwhelming sense of shit about to be not right. I wanted to scream at H-Bomb, but as I only have lips and no voice, that was not possible. We get back to the room; H-Bomb starts to undress and lies down, and the lady starts shuffling around the room. If you are about to wax some pussy, you don’t come at that shit all half assed and scared. You have a stick with hot wax on it; you come at that pussy correct, like you know what the fuck is up. This bitch did NOT know what the fuck was up. At this point H-Bomb is being a real twatcicle, playing on her phone and not paying attention to this shaky-handed, old lady, who was about to start torturing me like I was Al-Qaeda.

She dripped that first bit of wax on and put the little strip on and I thought “ok, this won’t be that bad, just breathe through it. You know bitches that have pushed an entire human out of their body before- lady up and take your waxing like the boss bitch you are,” and then the waxing lady literally let ‘er rip. The first strip was not that bad and I thought that I could definitely handle this. Then shit got oh, so, worse. I have been waxed enough to know that if you put too much wax on the area or let it cool too much, it won’t rip out the hair properly, or in my case AT ALL. That’s right, this dumb trick put too much wax on me and let the strip cool too much and went to rip, but nothing came off. You ever had your vag waxed and the wax strip not come off after someone tried to rip it off? Fuck childbirth pain - that has got to be the worst pain ever. Someone should add that to the list of things people use to torture war criminals and stuff, because after she went to rip the strip and nothing came off, H-Bomb tells me that there was a white hot flash of pain and she swears she saw Jesus.

Now, I have known H-Bomb for 32 years and I have seen some of the fucked up shit that she and her brothers have done to each other, so I know this bitch can handle some pain. So even after the worst waxer in the history waxers defiled my delicate sensibilities, she let the lady keep going. What in the waxed pussy hell was going on here? You don’t let someone attempt to kill me and keep going. No, bitch you get yo' shit and get the fuck out. But not that clitty-cunt-slut. She just the lady keep going.

Until the lady went to rip hair out of me and again, the strip didn’t come off after she yanked it back.

Yep, that piece of shit owner of mine let the bitch try to mutilate me TWICE. At that point, I had to summon all the power of the pussy that I had to NOT donkey kick this old ass bitch in the face and make H-Bomb realize that while I like being bald, I do not like aggravated battery with blunt force trauma to get there.

So, I finally made that bitch get up, get her clothes back on and get the fuck out. Even if I did look like I had Adolf Hitler or Moe from the Three Stooges on the Cha Cha. Fuck all ya’all hoes if you think I was going to let that bitch keep going Mortal Kombat on me. No one was going to ‘Finish Me’ that day. So, with a cookie slightly battered and with wax still on it, we got the hell out of dodge.

And that is my Vagina’s tale of Woe. I hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from my folly. Never let the bitch that looks like Wing from South Park or one of the contestants on the TV show you watch when you eat at Thai restaurant wax your most delicate of delicates. She will karate chop the fuck out of your lady business and make you an actual Angry Beaver.

However, there is some silver lining to this dark cloud of pussy fuckery. When I told J-Wunder about this tale of cooch-fuckery, he offered to kiss it and make it better for me. And when that day comes I am not shaving or waxing for 2 months before hand, because that fucker loves him a bushy bitch.

Now, I am going to go back to icing down my hot-pocket.

Vagine Cuisine...Come Hungry, Leave Hungry.

Eight ball; Up your ass

Even WebMD Can't Find the Answer

Getting tight for her man...

A Tale of Two Vaginas

Every Man's Dream. This chick has a double fun zone! But does she have a taint?

Hazel Jones, a 27-year-old British woman who went on national television to confess that when she was 18 she found out that she has two vaginas! Siamese twat! The vagina has two faces! Twat Falls Idaho! The Lori & Reba of pussies! Etc.. etc...

On ITV's This Morning yesterday (brought to us by esteemed journal of EVERYTHING that is The Daily Mail), Hazel told hosts Holly and Phillip that she went through most of her life with a double the fun coochie and thought all girls had two like her. When she was a teenager, she even asked one of her friends which hole the tampon goes into and the conversation became so damn confusing that she walked away thinking the tampon is supposed to go up her ass. Holly shouldn't be embarrassed about that. Who hasn't as a teenager gotten drunk on the Tia Maria they stole from their mother's secret alcohol stash in the garage and sat on the bathroom toilet thinking what it would be like to have ass sex with a tampon? Who hasn't turned that thought into a reality and quickly realized they shouldn't have pulled that shit (emphasis on that) out and just left it up there for a medical professional to discover twenty years later during a prostate exam. We all have!

Hazel didn't learn that not all ladies have twin twatties until one of her boyfriends pointed it out to her. That must've been a fun conversation. "Um, Hazel, why are two frustrated and unsatisfied baginas frowning at me instead of one?" After Hazel's boyfriend lovingly told her that her chocha looks like a Double Double, she went to the doctor and found out that she's got two vaginas, two uteruses and two cervixes. Hazel also had to lose her virginity twice to really make it count.

Well, it's nice to know that the power of dual vaginas and two servings of uterus fell into the right hands. If it happened to Michelle Duggar, we'd all be fucked and Arkansas would become the new China.

And if you're wondering why Hazel went on television to tell everyone that she's got a double door vagina, wouldn't you?! If I had a no-no-no-no, I'd be shouting it from every TV show. Correction: I don't think I'd be shouting it from every TV show, because I don't think I'd leave me house if I was able to fap with a rubber horseshoe.

via - D Listed

Finger Like a Pro

Eaten Out