Advice Column: Whores Be Like...

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Advice Column: Under Cover Brother Lover

Hi J!! I just saw your post about your awesome advice column, and I have something I could use your advice on.

One of my best friends from elementary school on died in 2009. She committed suicide, she was 25 years old. We hadn't been as close for a few years before she passed away (our lives were just in different places, no bad blood or anything like that) but it still hurt like shit. Still does, and I miss her like crazy.

We pretty much lived in each other's houses for like a decade, so I know her parents and her two brothers very well. I hadn't seen her oldest younger brother (let's call him Jason) for a couple years, until this past weekend - he and his brother came to a birthday party for a mutual friend. It was great to catch up and we had a great time, getting drunk, whatever. At the end of the night, Jason and I were alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. I was shocked but I kissed him back - I'm single, he's single, he's a really nice guy and pretty cute, so why not, right? I ended up going back to my place and after Jason dropped his brother off, he came over and we hung out for a few hours. No sex, just lots of making out and cuddling (awwwww!) and it was really nice.

I'm not sure how I feel about this and the possibility of more happening for a few reasons. One, Jason's brother and our friend walked in on us kissing, and neither of them were thrilled about it. They didn't say anything at the time, but my friend and I talked the next day and she told me the main thing that bothers her is that Jason's sister wouldn't have liked it bc she was very protective of her brothers. I had that thought too, but after thinking about it some more, I think it doesn't matter what she would have thought, because (and I do not mean this to be harsh) she isn't here anymore and she made the decision not to be here. But then I thought some more, and if Jason's brother was bothered by it, what would their parents think? I don't want to do anything to upset them, you know? I don't have a bad relationship in any sense with any of them; I just think it might be hard for them to see their one of their deceased daughter's best friends date their son. I don't know.

The other reason I'm confused is.... Jason is a really nice, good guy. He's a little shy and a homebody. He's probably never said anything mean about anyone his whole life. Other than being a nice girl, I am none of those other things. I have no idea how to proceed with a guy like him, especially given the history of our relationship as brother/sister's best friend. I am so used to being with bad guys and being a bad girl and I have no clue how to do this!

Any advice that you have would be great. Thank you!!




Dear Potential Bro-Banging Friend,

I saw that you typed this word vomit on your iPhone and for that I am impressed, but for fucks sake, y'all need to put a pin in it sometimes. I could have written this jibber-jabber in a 1/4 of the space and still gotten the point across. Your thumbs must look like a 14 year old boy's palms when he first learns how to make the magic in his pants, by himself. But, you brought up some good shit, so I am going to let the Niagra Falls that is your question, slide, and give you what you want. Well, kind of. You see, J let me tackle this because if there is one thing I know, it is about sibling hook-ups and over-protective little sisters, whether they are on this planet or not.

You see, I am the younger sister of OG, whom some of you have seen in previous columns and have heard the level of bat-shit-crazy I bring to the table when he is concerned. I have gone as far to make him sign bar napkins at 2am, stating that he will not marry any more carnie-trash-skanks without my prior consent. One trip down the skank-rabbit hole is all it takes for a sibling to have to step-in and lock it up for the other sibling. I will say this...no matter if I am on this planet or not, you fuck with my brother and I WILL find a way to get back to you. I will get all super natural, Patrick Swayze in Ghost, if I have to. If someone doesn't believe in the afterlife, fuck with my brother and I will make you believe. Trust. With that being said, I am also going to let slide the little remark you made about "Jason's" sister not having a say in things because she is not here anymore. Suicide is fucked up and tragic and should not be an excuse to rub your Hot-Pocket all over her brother's wang, because you got a little drunk and hor-nay.

Now that I have said my over-protective sibling peace, I can tackle the rest of your meow-meow with some ease. Grab a seat and a take a load off, shit's about to go down faster than a 2 dollar hooker. Biz-natch.

If you think "he's a homebody and I am a social butterfly and opposites don't attract," isn't a problem, it will be. The thing is, chick-a-dee, I know many couples who you would look at and be like, "What in the actual fuck possessed those two ass hats to get together," because you would have never put those two together in a million fucking years. And you know what? Those are the most stable relationships I have seen in my 34 trips around the sun. When you are dating someone for more than kisses and cuddles, that superficial shit is what the relationship is all about. But, if you are trying to get that motherfucker to like it so much that he wants to put a ring on it, that superficial shit is just that - SHIT.

When you get down to brass tacks in a relationship, it's not about you two loving all the same goddamn things all the time. It's about what's at your core and if that shit meshes, then all the other stuff is inconsequential. The couples I see that are up each other's culos 24-7 because they like all the same shit, are the ones that I also know want to secretly choke-slap their significant other when they breathe too heavy during American Idol. Conversely, like my boy Chris Rock said, you also can't be too opposite of each other - you have to find out if you have the right balance of ying and yang to make this mess work. But, that is up to you to figure out if you even want to take it to that level. You following, Sweet Tits?

I can see your hesitation and that isn't a good sign about the future of this...whatever the fuck it is. Take it from me, as I am the Queen of being unable to read horrible signs and hesitations. It doesn't help the fucking situation that when it comes to relationshit stuff, men are simple and women over think every, single, solitary, minute, fucking detail and crush any chance of shit being chill and happening naturally. If anyone questions that last statement please refer to the above grade-A meow-meow that was typed out on an iPhone, for the love of all things holy. Sweet tapping dancing Jesus, I have a hard enough time typing more than a few words on my phone, so forgive me if I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you wrote all that on a fucking iPhone.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

If you are worried about what his family will think if you two decided to do more than grind on each other's fuck parts like a bunch of teenagers, that too is a load of horseshit. Don't make this into some Romeo and Juliet-type nonsense and make it more than it is. No matter how protective a family is over their own, if you are a decent girl-girl and you are going to make their boy happy, they are going to allow that shit. Unless they are selfish assholes; because if that's the case, fuck them and the horse they rode in on...sideways.

If you are good like you say you are - and you do seem like it from your email that would have probably been on pink paper with hearts and flowers with scents of Love's Baby Soft, if we still lived in an age where you wrote letters asking for advice - then this should be a no brainer for them, since you already have street cred with them. I know that if I was smart and hitched my wagon to one of OG's friend's when I had the chance, I probably could have avoided the slew of twat-waffles that came my way. And if I was less of up an uptight cunt and let my brother date some of my friends, he may not have ended up with the girl with the busted unicorn tattoo. True story.

Hindsight is better than night vision, let me just tell you.

Much like men have the hot/crazy scale, where they decide how much crazy they are willing to allow versus how hot a chick is, women have the risk/reward scale. That is where we decide if the risk of trying to start some shit with a dude will be rewarded with either some good-ass sex or an awesome ass fuck relationship (or if the stars in the universe align, both), or if we need to pack up our baggage and hustle our hoo-ha somewhere else. That, my dear sweets, is something you have to figure out on your own. No advice J-Wundercunt or I could give you will be right for you, because we are not you. You seem to be pretty aware of what you are going to do, so trust yourself that you are going to do the right fucking thing, even if it's not the easiest thing to do.

Sorry I couldn't give you an absolute answer, however, let me leave you with this quote from one of the greatest movies of all time: Get busy living or get busy dying.

In other words, DO YOU. All day, every day.

H-Bomb

FACEBOOK: Helping Couples Get Back Together

Advice Column: Is The Bark Bigger Than The Bite?

Dear Mr. All Mighty J-Wunda,

I've been a fan for a while and always have a laugh with the shit you say to your fans as advice, as funny and fucked up as it may come out its normally right on the money....so i figure hey why not give it a shot and present this guy with my dilema.

I've been married for almost 2 years and have known my husband for 5. when i first met him he was all over the place thought he was the shit. But then so was I (this was sophomore year of college for me) but as time went on we settle down got a place, got married, and have a baby girl now. here is where my problem is, ever since I've known him hes been an attention whore. especially when he seeks attention from other females. He likes to flirt whether its with random girls or with women he has known from high school and used to have a thing for he will even flirt with the freakin waitress if it means we get free drinks at the bar.  now i know and he knows he would never cheat on me and i on him we love each other like crazy and have a very healthy relationship....when i say VERY i mean we literally make love/fuck/whatever u want to call it almost every night with kinky shit....and....well to sum it up its HEALTHY, all around not just the fuckin part either.....but i admit i still snoop his facebook from time to time....where i always find these messages from other girls like saying "hey girly how you been....i don't have your number, thats a problem...." or "hey I'm free during the week when do you want to take me up on that ice skating offer." Now I'm pretty sure hes never been on these dates or even met with the girls bcuz hes either at work or at home with me and the baby or we go out everywhere together. But i guess what I'm trying to ask is "why does he feel the need to talk to the talk with these girls, and not walk the walk...." why does he like to have these little side convos with other females from time to time but not go any further with them.  And then have the nerve to tell me hes hurt that i go thru his facebook cuz i don't trust him.....Any advice would be appreciated!!!!!!

L.B.


Dear L.B.,

First and foremost, thank you for writing in. It's fans like yourself who take the risk of putting yourselves out there and basically hope and pray I don't embarrass your ass to the fullest. Bottom line, I give advice based on experience and what I know from what I see. Is my advice always spot on? Not always. Is there truth to it? 100%. So let's break open this condom and begin, shall we?

You are in a situation where shit just needs to stop. For starters, you need to stop being that crazy bitch and trolling his Facebook page because let's be honest...if you weren't crazy, you wouldn't be doing it, right? Secondly, he needs to get the fuck over himself and know his glory days are long gone. Y'alls is married with a kid for crying out fucking loud. Unless you guys have some sort of fucked up "open relationship," then stop the bullshit because at the end of the day, some mother fucker WILL get hurt. I don't care if it is just "innocent". Shit gets out of control and all of the sudden, a dead body is reported floating down a river on the 10 'o clock news. People die over stupid shit like this...or end up in jail.

FACT: People LOVE attention.

I love it, you love it, your narcissistic ass husband loves it...hell, we ALL fucking love it. The problem - he loves it so much that he's willing to run with it til shit gets his ass in trouble. What I mean is that he's willing to push the envelope so far with these monkey mouth bitches that he's gonna fuck you over while fucking one of them or shit blows up because you went "Fatal Attraction" crazy because you don't trust this fool and just up and leave the sonofabitch. So while you sit there, shaking your head and saying, "No, no, no...my hubby ain't like that and I trust him with all my heart," do me a favor...stop fucking kidding yourself.

Realize the attention your man looks for has a purpose. That purpose being that he is still the mother fucking man who knows he's still has game. Still has the ladies...when he wants it. Hey, it's great y'all have a HEALTHY relationship. But if you ask any woman who wants a "one woman man" that would say their relationship is healthy if this shit went down, you know how many broads would say their relationship was healthy? ZERO FEMALES WOULD SAY THIS IS HEALTHY. Don't fool yourself into thinking just because you two fuck like rabbits and it's "all-around" good that nothing bad will go down. For fucks sake, you're checking the dudes Facebook any chance you get then calling him out on the bitches he's talking too. Still healthy? Just sayin', Sugar Tits. Check your shit at the door and stop playing "Leave It To Beaver." You ain't fooling anybody. In the words of Sweet Brown...

"AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT."

Even though you say he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, what makes you think he isn't walking? We all have agenda's and if I was a betting man, when his agenda is free and clear, he just might be doing what you don't want to be thinking. Trust me, people can be some sneaky mother fuckers. I know people who live two lives and the folks around them had no goddamn idea. You know why that is? Because those Shady McShaders plan their shit to a point where it drives others so fucking crazy that they actually think they ARE crazy and ARE "just trippin'". No one wants to look like an ass especially if they are wrong, right? Now, I'm not saying your man is cheating on you with these other sloots. I'm just saying why would he just do it, to do it? Society has all sorts of fucked up things wrong with them and certain people have reasons as to why they do things. But tell me this...what's his reason? This young blood is married to you and is the father to your baby girl. Seems to me like he's bored and wants to "play a little". Is that your fault? From how healthy your relationship sounds, it shouldn't be. How-the-fuck-ever, you are put in a position where you don't know if he's coming or going. He's pulling the ultimate mind-fuck that even has myself scratching my balls like a bad rash from a Spring Break hook-up. Wait, what?

Don't play into his game of "I'm so hurt that you don't trust me honey. I'm a good guy..." bullshit. Does this cat realize you caught him red-handed? Word to the wise: If you have to defend yourself more than you should, it's because you are guilty. Real goddamn talk. Or, you're just a real crazy bitch that needs to stop acting like she's on her period 24/7. But that's neither here nor there. As I was saying...

No one does shit, just to do shit as a game. It's like regret...why the fuck would anybody regret something when they had full intention on doing it in the first place? Say whatever the fuck you want, if you have intentions, don't have fucking regret. Doing that just makes you look like a dumb fuck that needs a good open hand slap to the face (thanks, H-Bomb)...Rick James style.

The only thing I'm gonna say is that as much as you love your husband and he loves you (so he says), why would he be doing what he's doing when he knows it's wrong? I get people flirt. Shit, I flirt all the goddamn time. Sometimes I get the chubby and everything. However, there's a fine line when it comes to flirting with someone "innocently" and disrespecting the person you're with...let alone fucking married to. This dude IS disrespecting you...I don't give a shit if you or the thousands of people reading this disagree.

Your relationship ain't healthy until your man stops with the bullshit and you quit checking his goddamn Facebook like you're the mother fucking FBI. You aren't, are you?

Healthy is trust. Healthy is communication. Healthy is no drama. Healthy is WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

Love me or hate me, you're gonna take what I said and give it some thought. And you can take that shit to the bank.

Do what you gotta do but make sure y'all keep shit real. If you love each other that much, it shouldn't be a problem now, should it?

I'm Out This Bitch,

J-Wunderful

Advice Column: Get It Together Soldier

I need some damn advice. I got married last August to an awesome woman and immediately after getting married I got deployed to Iraq. Everything was fantastic while I was deployed, all the way up until I got back to states and we got a house together. Things changed somehow when we got back, almost as if that spark and warmth wasn't there, now bare with me I'm not trying to get all fuckin emo, but I love this woman to death and she has recently confronted me about how I don't take my time on her even when it comes to sex and if the shit don't change she's gonna leave me. Honestly, since I came back from Iraq I've almost become this lazy and less passionate person towards everybody. The last thing I wanna do is lose wife because I've been a piece shit. So if u will.... one of genius mother fuckers over there give me some sort of direction, advice, fuck something! Cause I need help.




Dear No More Bombs over Baghdad,

I hear you wanted me to specifically answer this romantically query. Thanks for that, dude. The thing about me and my advice is that it is a little like anal sex; if you force it, it is not really fun for anyone and is more painful for the receiver than the giver. So, sorry that it took me so long to respond. I have been going back and forth with your sitch in my brain and I have metaphorically lubed up my mind, so that my thoughtsicles slip right out with an ever so delicate 'pop' (you know the sound you make when you put your forefinger in your mouth and make that pop noise) and into your eyeballs for you to do whatever you will with my advice.

Saddle up, buckeroo, you are in for a ride.

So you love your girl "to death?" I am not even going to get into how loving someone to death is the most goddamn retarded thing you can say about your affection for someone. You love someone so much you literally want to smother them with a pillow? Nice, Buffalo Bill. You gonna make a vest with tits when you are done "loving me to death?" And now I am off track. Fuck cat. OK, back to advice. You love your girl a whole lot, but ever since you got back from Iraq, you are having a hard time playing house? You take her for granted, you are a shitty husband and all that marriage meow meow which reminds me of why I am so happily single?

Welcome to fucking marriage! I guess no one explained to you that when you get married, no matter how long you were together prior to getting married, that little piece of paper DOES change shit. Real Talk. I know this to be the gospel from my fingers to your eyes, because I actually have friends who subscribe to the philosophy that the institution of marriage is a wonderful thing and people should do it for love and it is a forever bond, and now I am bored I am bored, again. But seriously, one of my oldest and dearest friends and her hubby have been together since basically the land before time and married for less years then they were not married. You following what I'm casting out here? Even though they had been together since before the Rolling Stones were a band, when they got married SHIT CHANGED. They lived in the same house, went to the same jobs, drove the same cars and took shits at precisely the same times everyday, but something changed when they went from being engaged to married. As I am not a) married b) a college graduate or c) a therapist, I cannot say for certain what changed, but something changed. I know this because, uh oh yeah...bitches talk to each other about this shit. Especially if they have been friends since before they got periods.

Oh, hey remember that part where you said you went to war? Yeah, I didn't forget that, either. You went to fucking war! Have I said thank you for that? THANK YOU! And that is the mother licking realest talk ever. READERS: I don't care what side of the political spectrum someone is on; when you see or talk to a vet, you had best say thank you or I will personally open-hand slap you for being disrespectful to someone who willingly gave up their freedom, so I can sit here in my underwear and Dave Matthews Band T-Shirt, and type nonsense to fill the minutes of our mundane days. I am done being all white girl Al Sharpton and preaching, but I take service in any branch of the armed services serious, so don't let me find out you didn't keep it 100 when you were talking to a member of said armed services.

Back to you Brokedick Mountain, I don't care if you are the hardest mother fucker this side of Mr T. and The Rock having a baby, and that baby is you. Another thing I have never done is go to war, but once again, I have friends that have, and from what they told me, war is in fact, hell. I am sure you saw some shit over there that you can't un-see and did some things that might still wake you up at night, pissing the bed. The fact that you came back and can see that you are kinda fucking up your marriage is what is keeping me from tearing you a new one and calling you a bitch ass, trick ass, mark ass, candy ass, bitch boy who needs to get his ass kicked and his wife fucked, by me and the whole crew. Also, I may or may not be afraid of you coming to kill me for talking too much shit as I am wanting to do.

I am thinking that you may have left your mojo in Iraq. Since I don't have enough frequent flyer miles to give to you to go back and find your groove, Stella, I am going to have to hope you can channel some of the inner freak and part-time romantic (if you tell anyone I have a heart that actually beats blood I will pull your eyeballs out and make you look at your own skull, ba-leed dat!) that I have inside me, like some shit from Ghost or something. I don't know where I am really going with this, but follow me down this yellow brick road and hopefully when we get to the Land of Oz, the Wizard can give me a brain and you some mojo.

First off, you might want to get some counseling for PTSD. That is some real ass shit and not something to fuck with. It can fry your brain like a short order cook at Denny's does eggs. It can make you think something is purple when you know for a fact it is a waffle. You are going to need to get your head right before you can get right with your girl. If she is the awesome ass girl you say she is, she is going to fight for this marriage like you fought for us in Iraq. You might have checked out because you came back from war with some crossed wires and what not, but where the fuck is her sensitivity chip when it comes to what you have been through? I might have to pay her a visit and tell her she needs to lock it the fuck up and treat her solider with a little fucking respect. Ya heard?

Whilst you are heading my advice to go see the lay down doctor, you need to also start trying to make an effort to correct the things that you feel you are capable of working on at this time. This shit didn't happen to you over night, so it isn't going to get undone over night. Make her a nice dinner, throw on a little Barry White, pop open your nicest bottle of Asti Spumante and TRY to be a human and not the war-robot you have become. A few days later, try cleaning the house or doing something to show her you appreciate her and all that she sacrificed when you were gone. And I get that she sacrificed, too. Don't think that this is all about sexing her up, either. Yes, she is complaining about physical intimacy and that you seem to have checked out, but most of the time when someone checks out during sex it is a result of the culmination of other issues that have been building. This is about creating a foundation in which will help your marriage blossom, not just a 14 hour tantric sex session that would make Sting envious. Remember how you went to Basic Training when you joined whatever branch you joined? You need to take your ass back to Marriage Bootcamp and get right, before you get left, mother fucker.

Start doing drills, getting up early and fighting for you marriage like you fought for this country. And remember, sometimes you lose the battle, but if you keep fighting, you just might win the goddamn war.

Normally, I would close with a BOOM, but as that might cause more PTSD for you, I am just going to KAPLOW, like an old comic book.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

H-Bomb

Advice Column: Food Coma

Dear J Wunder,

Here's the deal man. I'm fat, like fucking fat. Like 260 and about 5'4" and ugly, like fucking ugly. My wife is a honey: 125, 5'3, ass that don't quit. I work six days a week, 10-14 hours a day at a job I hate because the pay is good and so she can be a stay at home mom (2 fucking awesome kids by the way.). Now she goes out every weekend, and I mean every; to go hang out with her stupid, fucking, alcoholic slut friends that I hate and when I ask her not to go, she gets pissy and her friends dog me how I'm a bad guy and an asshole. Now she has no job and never worries about money and when she goes out. She looks like a fucking dime and she's flirty and shit. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home like a bitch wondering if my wife is getting fucking plowed by some big dick motherfucker because she be all friendly and shit. Now we've been together 8 years and I got trust issues bad (bad childhood). I don't trust anyone but me; So J Wun, how do I get my balls and some fucking confidence back so I can stop acting like a fat bitch on Oprah?

Sincerely,

Whiny Fat Fuck



Dear Whiny Fat Fuck,

I'm going to be frank with you Chubby Bunny. You mind if I call you that? If not, I don't give a shit. For the sake of this column, I will refer to you as "Chubby fucking Bunny". Ok, now that's out of the way, we can get started.

You sir, are in a BIG fucking dilemma. What dilemma you ask? A few motherfucker...check it:

1) You're the money maker. The provider. The "man of the house". The kicker - she's spending your hard earned dough...on booze, shots and a damn good time. Every weekend, mind you. Without you. And making you sit at home like a mark-ass bitch. Did your parents raise you to be a mark-ass bitch? Just something to think about, Grimace.

2) You are fucking fat. You are as wide as you are fat. Like a fucking Oompa Loompa. Do bitches think Oompa Loompas are sexy? If you don't know, ask yourself when was the last time you saw an Oompa Loompa getting laid? Survey says...NEVER. Not even by Helen Keller if she was still alive.

3) Got a hot ass wife. And you are still a fat ass. BTW - is your wife so skinny because you eat all of her food?

4) Got a hot ass wife who sounds like a complete fucking cunt. Fire in the hole. BOOM!

5) Hot wife's friends hate your ass.

6) You're jealous, like every man in this world who is completely insecure about themselves. And you should be insecure. You have a fucking dick awning, for fuck's sake. Get your shit together, broseph.

7) Hot Tits Magee wifey is a HUGE flirt. So much that you convince yourself she's taking train rides on the Pound-Town Express. I wouldn't be surprised if you cry every weekend eating a 20 pack of tacos. Real talk.

8) You are fucking fat.

9) Like really fat.

10) Dude, how the fuck did you get so fucking fat, bro?

You'll notice there are 10 fucking things I just listed, and 4 of them, I need you to pay very close attention to. If you're wondering which four, Lunch Box, it's the ones that describe you as being a complete fucking fat ass. Don't get angry now because there is actually a point to all of this somewhere in this goddamn column. I want you to smell what I am cooking up for you. Hint: it's not a plate of chicken and waffles. Stop drooling. Remember, I don't say shit just to say shit...I say shit to drive my point so you see the goddamn light.

Now, I could go back and dissect how you two met with all your history and blah, blah, blah bullshit. But since I give my advice for free and my fans aren't trying to read a motherfucking manuscript of complete Camel Cum, I'll save that part for another day and time. What I need to do is get down to the nitty fucking gritty and give you the lowdown of all lowdowns. So pay attention and take my shit for what it's worth which might be nothing short of 50 cents, a half bottle of Olde English and a used condom. Wait, what? Anyway...

46.9503739% of relationships get comfortable to the point where shit gets lost and things turn in the worst possible way. Call me crazy and delusional, but the fact of the matter is, once comfort and routine fully set in, you are completely fucked my friend. What you're going through right now is the perfect example of two people who got lazy. And one who got fat (hint #2: it's YOU).

You work at a job you hate, but the pay is good. You bring in all the dough to help support your wife and kids. Everyone is happy...except you, Butter Ball. Why? Because you are too focused on other things than the people who live under your fucking roof, brohemus. I don't know what you looked like before you met your wife but something tells me you let yourself go in the past few years, homeboy. I mean, 5'4", 260 pounds?! Dude, what the fuck man?! For fucks sake, put down the burger and eat some motherfucking kale, son. You ever heard of milk, motherfucker? That shit does a body good.

It seems you got too focused on amassing things. Money, Food, Food, More Food... Goddamnit son, did you singlehandedly keep Costco in business? While you were spending all this time making money you forgot to pay attention to the people you were making the money for. And guess what? Sweet Tits wifey got sick of waiting for you to look at her like she was a cheeseburger and devour her.

So what the fuck did she do? She went out. O-U-T. Got her outfit tight, her herr did and whatever the fuck she needed to go on the weekly hoe-stroll. And you got stuck footing the bill. Now, you have to undo what you created and turn your hoe back into a housewife...who still loves to ride your pigs foot. P.S. - Until you start shedding some pounds man, I'm calling your wang a pigs foot. Got it?

You need to lay down the motherfucking law. You need to put yourself on a food diet and her on a hoe diet. No more cheeseburgers for you and no more last calls for her. And you need to pay an actual marriage counselor, or you are going to be ordering for one soon. Here's your new mantra - "stop eating what's on the table, start eating her pussy." That's a diet you can get on! People may think I'm out here putting you on blast (purposely) for being a fat fuck, but the reality is you are and this is probably why your marriage is all fucked up and you're insecure as shit. Let's not forget to mention your priorities are all fucked up which is driving you even more crazy. I wouldn't lie about this. True story.

See State Puft, I'm calling you out because something happened along the motherfucking way where shit got lost in translation. You got mixed up in the Food Game and she...well, she got mixed up in something other than KFC, 20 tacos and ass gas every damn night. See where I'm going with this?

I could be completely fucking wrong in my drunken observation. But if I were a betting man, odds are, your attention went somewhere else other than what's between your wife's legs. You need to bring sexy back, homeboy. Give your woman what she had back in the day. You know what that was? A M-A-N. A man who wasn't tired every fucking time he came home from work...nagging like a chick on her fucking period. A man who once was fun. A man who loved to have a goddamn great time. A man who was confident. Strong willed. Had mad fucking SWAG. And just so you know...fuck her friends. Reality is...friends who are friends with our boyfriend/girlfriend always talk shit. Why? Because you either are 1) Doing something really wrong in the relationship that your man/woman is bitching about or 2) They want to fuck you from NY to Cali and are plotting...because shady people sometimes do that shit. Real talk.

I get you're a hard working motherfucker and want to be that provider. But if it's gonna kill you, get your ass looking like Jabba the Hut and cranky on the daily, then you need to stop that shit and quit, Twinkie Tits. There are other jobs out there, brother. Here's some advice...tell your girl you've had enough with your fucked up, good paying job, you want to make a change in your career, your health, your marriage and that you would greatly appreciate it if her ass found a J-O-B, too. If she gives you the crazy eye, tells you to go fuck yourself, then basically, she's a mark-ass bitch who is just using you for the dough. And well, she doesn't give two fucks about you and what you stand for as a man. Be better, be great and show your girl you can be the guy she fell for. Remember that shit. I promise things will be on the up and up.

In life, society gets away with a shit ton of excuses. You know why? Because having an excuse is the easiest way of staying content. You know who likes being content? People who aren't motivated. Driven. Want success. Want to be happy. Those motherfuckers are excuse happy Monkey Mouth Bitches. Right now, you're that guy. A straight up, 100%, fat ass Monkey Mouth Bitch.

You're mad because you're not happy. But you can't blame anyone but yourself. TRUTH. Sure your wife spends all the money every weekend with her slutty cuntbag friends, having a good ass time...but ask yourself this - would that have been the case 10 years ago? Answer: FUCK NO. You know it, and I know that shit. Amen.

So what the fuck are you waiting for Little Big Dong...eat a salad, change your ways and get back the broad you used to fuck good 5 days a week, 3 times a fucking day. Myself, The CREW and America will be rooting for your fat ass. Do work and do it right.

No need to thank me. I already did it for you.

Much Love,
J-Wunderful

The "Friendzone" - A Call for Help

"One of our Chivettes, Ashley, has been best friends with a Chiver for a long time but recent events have changed things. Now their friendship is at stake because the boy's hesitation to be more than friends. I'll let Ashley take it from here:

Alright, Chive, here's the deal. I've been in love with the same guy for 8 years now and after all this time he finally confessed his love for me a few days ago. He was my first real boyfriend, we lost our "you-know-whats" together, we go on these amazing dates every time he's in town, and we talk to each other literally all day every day.

Now, instead of trying to date again me or marry me or whatever, he's letting his fear of relationships get in the way. He'd rather keep the relationship we have now than risk us actually dating and getting into a huge fight and losing it all. This, my good sir, is a problem. I don't know whether to give up and try to find someone else or to stick around and hope that one day he'll get it through his thick skull how badly I would fight every day to make an actual relationship with him as perfect as possible.

You'd think he'd realize that after 8 years there's nothing he could do to make me run away; but no, he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Point being, he's a very loyal Chiver. Checks it everyday if not twice. maybe with your help and the help of other chivers, we can give him a little push.. because i'm too awesome to pass up.. but ill let you be the judge of that."

via - The Chive


A fan sent me this link and asked if I could give my two cents on this situation. After reading what the fuck was going on, it was an absolute fucking must that I respond. Why? Not because I care, but because I need to point out what America is fucking thinking. So enough with the goddamn small talk, lets dissect the shit out of this mother fucking situation that has been presented to us.

FACT: This broad is fine. I'd fuck her into a coma then fuck her while she was IN a goddamn coma. Hell, I'd probably toss her salad with syrup too. Fuck that, if she took a shower, I'd toss that shit with no syrup, jelly, jam or ranch fucking dressing. No Betty Crocker bullshit up in here. Did you see this bitch in yoga pants? Her ass was the business y'all. Anyway, here's a girl that's in mad love with some dude she's been jocking for 8 years. 8 fucking years!!! Who in God's name would be in love with a mother fucker for so goddamn long and still be in the "friendzone"? Who mother fucker, who? You know who? Ugly mother fuckers. There's only one problem - this bitch ain't ugly. With that being said, we have ourselves a goddamn problem, don't we?

What's the problem with this dude? Shit, what's the problem with this broad? Here's my analysis:

1) Dude is gay. Straight up...this mother fucker gots to be gay. Ain't no bitch this fine, who's been jocking a dude for 8 years gonna be shot down. EVER. Congratufuckinglations that you two popped each others cherries. Bravo that y'all talk every fucking day like them bitches from Sex in the Go Fuck Yourself. Round of applause that your dates are amazing...they probably consist of mani/pedi's with a side of shopping at Neiman fucking Marcus. I'm a guy, and every dude that is a fucking dude out there in this goddamn world knows...if a fine bitch that you boned is jocking you, you need to jump on that shit and put that pussy on a pedestal. Real talk. But this dude...he's not even attempting to reciprocate...AT ALL. He's using piss poor excuses to be with her because he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Tell me what fucking man says that to a woman? No man I fucking know. Maybe I'm just a asshole and would fuck this girl before I took off her clothes. Who knows. All I know is that this guy might just like her for the deep convo's and amazing shopping sprees. Moving the fuck on.

2) This bitch is cray-cray. Hey, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. If there is one thing women are good at, it's being fucking crazy. Like some Fatal Attraction bullshit. No sane broad I know jocks a guy for 8 goddamn years without having a fucking screw loose somewhere. Fuck that. You know what liking someone for 8 years is called? S-T-A-L-K-E-R. How do I know? I have a few of these stalker ass bitches following my ass right this goddamn minute...that's how I fucking know. So what this guy stretched out your vagina? Bitch, get over it. Dudes love pussy. Even if that pussy was so loose it was like throwing a hot dog in a hallway. True story. Vagina is a man's kryptonite. Especially beautiful vagina like this chicks. But see what happens when you pop cherries? Bitches be stalking you for 8 goddamn years and will never let the fuck up. Amen.

3) Someone got a secret and it's called H-E-R-P-E-S. The gift that keeps on giving. I've never had an STD in my life but I will tell you this - if I knew a girl liked me for 8 years and I was shooting flames out my dick, I'd probably find every excuse in the goddamn book not to be with her too. Even if it hurt like a mother fucker not to say anything. Now, this doesn't mean the dude ain't fucking other bitches. I mean, people are shady these days and will go fuck random strangers without saying anything. That's what he's probably doing since these random skanks don't mean shit to him. Is it a dick move on his part? Hell fucking yeah it is but remember, it take two to fucking tango. I'm a fan of raw doggin' the shit out of the pootie, so if you ain't packing jimmy caps and there is no concern of "safe sex" other than the "pull out" method, consider someone fucked. Literally AND figuratively. Any questions?

4) The sex and everything along with it, just ain't the business. Look, I've met someone beautiful ass women in my day. And honestly, just because a bitch is fine as fuck doesn't mean she's an automatic, great lay, great kisser and can suck a dick like a porn star. You'd be surprised how many fine ladies there are in this world that don't know how to do any of this shit. Things happen you know. For instance - her snatch might smell like a dumpster filled with 8 year old chow mein and gouda cheese. She kisses like bum who just tasted ice cream for the first time in over a decade. She sucks cock like she's opening up a can of Dennison's Chili. She fucks like she's dead...meaning, she ain't really fucking but thinks she's fucking. One false move in any of these categories - TURN OFF. Don't care how bomb your ass is looking. If you can't come through physically, you mine as well go run in front of a moving bus...or just have your friend push you down a goddamn flight of stairs. Cunt.

5) He's fucking her friend. There's a good chance Romeo over here is fucking other bitches too...that's a no-brainer. But a friend, let alone, her best friend? Aaaaaahhhh shit, son. That's dirty. Well, to her it's dirty. To him...just another day in Fuck City. Ladies, know this about men - if ever they are presented with sex...whether it be with someone you know who is a relative or friend...men will fuck them. Why? Because we love pussy AND the chick who has given them this golden opportunity has no care in the world about your feelings at that moment in time. Hey, men aren't the only shady mother fuckers in this world. Bitches are shady too...they're just smarter when it comes time to being a two-faced cunt. If this is the case, and this broad Ashley doesn't see it, then well...Ashley is just another stupid bitch that doesn't deserve a man. Only because she doesn't think how men and women think. Especially us shady mother fuckers. Now that doesn't mean she has to be all insecure and shit...fuck all that noise. She just needs to know how men think and actually fucking operate. Because dudes that throw out shitty excuses but go on "amazing dates" and "talk every day", are hiding something. Something "good enough" to keep a broad unaware of what the fuck is really going on. If that ain't the truth then maybe you can go fuck yourself too.

So there you have it fans. My two cents on why this bitch Ashley has wasted 8 fucking years of her goddamn life on this so-called "soul mate" or whatever the fuck you want to call his sorry ass. Then again, any chick who wastes 8 years being in love with someone who isn't planning to be fully committed is just being played by the Puppet Master. Well played mother fucker...well fucking played.

I'm out.

Advice Column: Bad Romance

Dear J,

I had been seeing this guy for 5 months now. I knew we were exclusive, because I already had asked that question. But I never felt that he loved me. He never said he loved me. So, after 5 months of being treated as a "friend with rare but occasional benefits", and having come to the end of the line emotionally, I asked him to define this relationship. He said "I DONT KNOW". Not in a mean way, just that he doesn’t know, that he had asked himself the same and didn't come up with an answer. I said to that, that not having an answer is an answer in itself, and that we should stay friends. Which is the right thing to do, no? Problem is, I fell in love a long time ago with him, and it hurts like a motherfucker. I wish he would change his mind. And this is why I am writing. Tell me something.

Hurt.




Dear Hurt,

Something.

Seriously, you made that too easy for me. Now that I am done with my fuckery onto the goods.

I am glad that you are feeling your first gut instinct, and not more worried about when you are going to feel this guy in your guts again, because we all know- sex can make a bitch go crazy. Riiiiiiight, you said this guy only made the sexy time with you occasionally. So, what was your first clue that he never got that loving feeling??? I am glad this guy was not a complete douchetard and didn't say something like "It's not that I don't love you, I am just not 'in love' with you" or some shit like that.

Oh, wait, he kind of did.

I guess I am the only girl who saw the movie "He is Just Not That Into You" and actually absorbed it's message. This is a classic case of that shit, and Hurt, trust me... a few years ago, I was you. I was the queen of trying to turn a friend into a boyfriend, trying to make something out of ‘ maybe.’ You know what? That shit does not work. You are better off for asking now and knowing that it isn't what you thought it was going to be, instead of say, waiting 7 years for some motherfucker to put a ring on your finger, only to find out that he moved out instead. Be glad that he had the courage to be honest-ish with you and not keep hanging onto you for sex and companionship when he knew he wasn't feeling it. You are 100% right when you said his answer was in his lack of an answer. But more importantly, his lack of physicality with you should have been, and I guess was, the blinking, honking, flashing, red warning light. Maybe? Go with me here.

Think back to all of your friends that talk about the first few months of their relationship, marriage, domestic partnership, etc... what is the first thing they would talk about. THE SEX. I know that seems base and low brow, but you are asking GG and his crew for advice, so you get what you pay for. And this shit is free and good, so listen the fuck up. I am 'bout to drop some truth on you that is going be like ripping off a band aid. It's gonna hurt like fuck at first, but in the end you will feel better.

So you say you have been dating this guy for 5 months? And you aren't boning him until one of you is walking funny and the other one is walking around like a zombie? Maybe I am just a romantic at heart, but in all of my past relationships, even the shitty ones, the beginning sex was the best part. You fuck until you are barely conscious, in the most redonkulous places you can conjure up, and everything about that person makes you want to rip their clothes off. Right?? Not to rub it in...but that is how it is SUPPOSED to be.

So, here you are. You asked the boy if he likes you or not and he says "maybe." Yes, I know he said "I don't know" but "maybe" actually sounds a little better. "I don't know" could imply that the thought never actually crossed his mind, and if that is the case, you don't need me. You really do need to spend the dollars and go see the lay down doctor. What you need to do now though, is gather all the shit you have started leaving at his house since the 2nd time you boned (I told you this might hurt) grab a shopping bag from under the counter, throw your dignity and self respect in, along with the other shit you left at his place and moon-walk the fuck out of there. Don't look back. Unless you left some shoes. Then you have to go back for them.

I have a feeling you are a smart girl who can understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, and I think deep down you know what you have to and need to do. Maybe you can salvage a friendship from this - which is actually another column unto itself - but for now you need distance and space from this dude and you need to give yourself time to heal.

The thing about time is that it is the cousin of Karma, and those two things can sometimes go hand in hand. I know this for a fact because one of my exes told me he loved me (yeah we went there)and in the same breath told me because of our very different lifestyles (he owned a bar, I am in 9-5er) it would never work out and he just "wasn't ready for a relationship." We had been friends for so long that we agreed to stay friends after this and actually managed to do just that. Flash forward a few months later, I am at his birthday party and he introduces me to his new girlfriend. They are together for a while, seem pretty much in love and all that Hallmark nonsense. One day a few months ago, I go into his bar with a group of friends and we are chatting, blah, blah, blah and he tells me that he and the GF broke up because - wait for it- she wants to go back to dating women exclusively. Yeah. She dumped his ass for the vag. Having had some ladies in my time, it seemed legit so I went with it. Two weeks later I get a status update on Facebook that my ex's ex has a new - wait for it again- boyfriend. She really dumped him for a dude, but wanted to make the hurty less, so she told him it was for a chick. Karma fucking dick slapped him. Guess who was chuckling on the inside and waiting for the next phone call?

The moral of that little story that gets awarded no points and everyone just got dumber for having read is that Karma don't play and time will actually heal. And if you give someone enough time and space, they actually might realize how awesome you are and come crawling back. I know this to be truth, because that same ex called me this past Valentine's day... just to see how I was doing, and asked if I was seeing anyone. Thanks to the lessons I learned, I was able to say "great, no one. Oh, I am sorry to hear you closed the bar" and not look back on the romance and just talk to my friend, like old times. And maybe schedule one more booty call.

I never said I was perfect, but I am pretty sure I just might be right. I walked the walk, so I can talk the talk. That's how I roll.

Now, go out and get some real dick, because it sounds like you could use a good, deep- dicking. Cheers!

All up in the Kool-Aid

Hey, 

It's J, from ur page. Im wanting u to "write a column" about this subject.......A 29 year old woman, 4 kids married 2 times. 1st husband not there emotionally or physically, second husband abusive alcholic. The question, she nows lives on her own, still married, she has a "boyfriend"(long distance) "BESTY WITH BENIYS" at home, and a husband that is fn crazy, and wants her back! the boyfriend is the affair w the current husband, and claims to love her, bestfriend with benifits, has.issues w any kind of commitment, but is physically there? WTF did she get herself into, and WTF is she.thinking?


Hey J!

At first I was a little perplexed on how to address this situation because I was not sure if you were writing "as a friend" (i.e. meaning it was you, but wanted some anonymity), OR you were putting your friend on blast. Since you referred to all the deets in the 3rd person, I'm assuming you got your bazooka out and want me to blast a bitch. Didn't your momma ever tell you not to snitch? When my beloved Hurricanes were put on blast by that douche-tard, Nevin Shapiro, there was a T-shirt that became popular amongst us die hard fans that said, "Snitches Get Stitches For Talking Like Bitches.” I'm gonna find out who your friend is and get her one, from you anonymously, of course.

However, I'm still gonna break it down for you H-Bomb Style, because that is what I do. But I'm coming back for you.

This "woman" sounds like she likes to have her cake and fuck it, too. Damn, I can't get a motherfucker to buy me a hot dog these days and this bitch has 3 dogs sniffing at her ass. And speaking of hot dogs, I bet her vag is so blown out,  that fucking her is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. I mean, 4 kids and 3 kinds of dick? Does her va-jay-jay even know if something is coming in or going out anymore? Damn, we need to start a fund for some vaginal rejuvenation for her. Maybe get Sarah McLachlan to let us use a song for the commercial.

Ok, let’s get off this bitch’s cookie for a while (sounds like it needs the break anyway) and get down to the fuckery that she is bringing on herself. Husband, Boyfriend and Fuck Buddy? OH MY! Seriously, I am not trying to hate because I can barely juggle my life and my work schedule and I don’t have kids or a revolving door of dick to keep up with; so congrats to her for keeping that kind of Ho-show up. But how much longer is she going to be able to juggle all of this and not call out the wrong name in bed? That’s gonna be awkward!

Now let’s break down the men here. The Ex-Husband that is "effing crazy" and wants her back? He would be crazy to want that slutty, co-dependent unfaithful ho-bag. Sure, he is an abusive alcoholic who deserves to get his dick slammed in a door for ever laying a hand on her...but guess what? She can leave, get a divorce and get back to her ho game, far from the constraints of wedded bliss (and another sad kick in the nuts for the "Sanctity of Marriage") and this dickbag. And I'm sure staying married while fucking anything that throws a warm shot of Jagermeister down her throat is doing awesome things for the 4 kids mental stability and development...I would like to get a pool going to see when we think one of the girls starts stripping.

And then there is the boyfriend. I feel for him the most because I am pretty sure he is oblivious to all ho games that are being played in absentia. He probably doesn’t even know he has a designated dicker while he is just sitting at home, thinking boyfriend thoughts. I think I'm going to send him a coupon for a free STD test. Anonymously, of course.

But let us not forget the smartest mother fucker out there. The commitment-shy FB. What a fucking genius this guy is! All the fun times, none of the real “boyfriend” crap. He just comes in, throws the hot dog, and leaves. Oh, sure, he is more “on-call” and has to perform pretty much on command. However, from my knowledge of men, if a chick is offering the goods, they are taking them. If I ever met this guy, I would shake his hand. Wearing gloves, naturally.

So, dearest, sweet J, you ask “WTF was she thinking? WTF has she gotten herself into?” And now I will answer: NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. That’s what. Who the fuck do you think you are, sitting and judging this so-called friend of yours and then telling us her story because you want us to write a column. I hope that bitch finds a brick and that brick finds your car/house window. Because obviously you can sit in your glass house and not throw stones. Oh, right you can’t. Stop being a jealous cunt because your friend’s got dick for days. Don’t hate heifer, congratulate. And get a fucking life and stop stalking hers. Maybe someone will throw a hot dog down your hallway if you stop focusing on everyone else’s shit. True Story.

Good luck getting a life and staying the fuck out of grown up shit.

H-Bomb

Advice Column: Time to Move On

Dear J-Wunder and Crew,

I got some shit for you to advise on. And better yet, I not only want to hear from you, J-Wunder the Delicious, I'd like to hear from one of your female advisors. The theme of this shit is AM I CRAZY OR???

I've been with my man for 20 years, married for most of it. I'm his second wife. He and his first wife didn't have any children, no community property, so once the papers were signed, that was that. Just a "so's ya know" type of thing. When we met I was barely 21, he was 30. I was a stripper, a coke head and shamelessly used men to get whatever I wanted. Hey, they got what they wanted, too. Some of them just wanted to be seen out with a hot girl with a 38DD natural rack and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. That was fine. Some of them wanted more and as you yourself have said, were willing to put in the work. Anyway, that's who I was when we met. 21, way into the Pepsi and if I do say so myself, a total freaking nutcake. I was also known to dabble with women - newsflash, a lot of strippers do, big shock, right? And apparently, he took one look at me and knowing these few things about me decided I was THE ONE for him. If I'd been a little smarter, this would have told me all I needed to know about this man.

Fastforward down the road a little bit and we've had 2 sets of twins (17 & 8, respectively) so the body is shot. No way am I going to be swinging around a pole anymore. When the economy went to shit a few years back, I was laid off from an office job and haven't been able to find full time work since. I do a little part time work from home but have yet to make it transfer to any real money. He's a paycheck to paycheck motherfucker and that's okay. I never thought I'd be kept in a McMansion with servants, shopping every day in Saks... that kind of life never appealed to me and I don't expect it. I take care of our children - running everyone to school every morning, meeting buses, doing homework, that sort of thing. And of course, I pick up after everyone and cook dinner every night. J-Wunder, I don't even have a fucking dishwasher, that shit gets done by hand. That's some stone ages type of shit, amirite? But no matter. I have hands and they work.

So now that you have some background, here's where the shit hits the fan doing 80. With the advent of the internet, my husband discovered internet porn. Then chatrooms. Then webcam sites. Then a swinging site that we were members of for 6 months before I ever found out about it. I thought he was taking those pictures of me for himself. Nahhh, man. More strangers than I care to think of have seen my fat ass naked than I could possibly guess. The first time he brought up the idea of swinging, I was like, NO WAY. Of course I was eventually worn down. He wanted this and by God, he would have it. We've had mostly 3ways with other women and am I wrong when I say ALOT of men want that and never get it? But I delivered it. And was okay with it. I don't really look back on that shit and shudder or anything. Fun was had by all. But now we're at a phase where we've kind of slowed down on all activities because, you know, it got old. I got tired of going to meet and greets and parties and all that shit. And 90% of the time we do have sex, it sucks because we can't just get in bed and enjoy each other like we did once upon a time. His fucking laptop has to be on the bed with us, open to a cam site, so he can watch whatever he's in the mood for while we make the beast with 2 backs. Or he wants to do it with the cam on so people can watch us. Man, I just have NO taste for it now and want it to stop. I don't care what he does anymore, I truly don't. He wants to come home from work, lay up in the bed with the remote in one hand, his dick in the other and the laptop open next to him and ignore his entire family for whatever space of time he's home... ya know, whatever. He works, he pays the bills, if that's what he wants to do when he's not working, then, fine. I'll deal with it. This has been his every day routine for so long that the kids think something is up if he comes downstairs and sits on the couch.

So, this is the thing. Because I can't get into this shit, this online BS, we fight constantly and I think we're coming to an end. He says it's because I don't care about him enough to give him something he needs. He says he could deal with everything else if I would just give him the sex he needs the way he wants it. But it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. My stomach flips when I have to go down on him with the cam on while on a cam site, knowing total strangers are watching me do this and getting their rocks off on it. He keeps telling me I need to bring home another girl for him to fuck who will "do it the way I want since you won't". Or he thinks we should bring another guy in so he can watch me get some pipe laid by another guy. And you know, since that's what he wants, the appeal of the idea is completely lost. It's just another way to humiliate me and make me do something I don't want to do for his pleasure. So what do you think? Should I have to perform in this depraved way just because he pays most of the bills? Would you make someone do something sexually that you know they don't enjoy and in fact hate, just because you wanted it?

Sincerely,
FuckedIfIDo, FuckedIfIDon't


Dear Fucked,

I was not about to write out your whole sign off because we all know you are fucked, in every sense of the word. J-Wunder the Delicious (I can't even write that without giggling and barfing just a little) asked me to take this one because he knows I know a thing or two about your type of situation. I have also dabbled in the white girl (double entendre very much intended) and have somewhat of an 'escandaloso' past. So, who better than me to tell you how to get your shit together? Cus me, I gots my shit together.

Basically, the long and short of your story is that your husband turned a Ho into a Housewife and now he wants to bibbity-bobbity-boo your ass back into a Ho. You however, left the Player's Ball, never to return. That is actually admirable because from what I have heard, you can take the girl off the pole, but you can't take the pole off the girl. Kudos to you for becoming a fully clothed member of society. Ok, enough back patting, let me just cut to the mustard. Your husband is the reason why they have that show on Lifetime called "Snapped." Motherfuckers like him, Ike Turner and the fucked up dude from "Sleeping With the Enemy" are the reason why women kill, run away or end up stripping again. He sounds like he pretty much sucks at life and uses you like a fucking toilet to act out his kinky shit.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not thinking he's a scumbag because he likes to swing, video or do any of the other kind of shit that he does. I'm all about everyone getting their freak on, if that's what BOTH people are into. However, I think he's a giant bag of dick because he basically forces you to do it by using his limited financial power to make you feel like a captive. Does he roofie or physically force you? No. Does he do it without your 100% consent? Yes, and that is super fucked up.

I have a compromise for you. Ask you husband if you do one of the things he wants, if he will get fucked in the ass by you, with a dildo. Now, that could totally backfire and you could end up fucking him with a dildo, but normally most men will never let a woman (or anyone) fuck them in the ass. He wants you to suck dick on camera? Fine, he can suck a dick, too. Quid Pro Quo, motherfucker. Meaning, everything that he wants you to do, ask him if he would be willing to do it as well. He might get the idea of "comfort zones" and "boundaries" when it's literally his ass or dick on the line.

Here is my sage-like advice: Call The Lifetime Channel. Let them know you either want a movie made about your fucked up life or you want to be the "before bitch" on "Snapped." Let them know you are about to be the "after bitch", as well. Tell them to front you some money so you can get the fuck out of this living hell and go somewhere decent. Now, I am a realist and I know that shit is about as likely as me winning the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics. Next thing you can do is listen to that Dixie Chicks song "Goodbye, Earl." Bitches got some good ideas in those lyrics...I'm just saying. All kidding aside, you need to get the fuck out of there.

I get it, you are all kinds of broke, so taking 4 kids and peacing the fuck out may not be the best option for your family. I am guessing that your husband is about as smart as he is financially savvy, and I'm sure he has probably downloaded some no-no shit, possibly with some youngins' on your home computer, while your minor children were in the home. You following the bouncing ball, m'dear? Maybe an anonymous phone call to your local police could get you a little peace of mind. Or, maybe just taking the laptop to your local Attorney General. I know you think that you're doing right by your kids for staying there because he "provides" for you. YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND if you don't think your kids know the shit ain't right. Ya dig, chicky? Kids are way smarter and way more perceptive than we can ever understand. You aren't helping them by staying in this warped reality. You ARE definitely well on your way to being the next Mrs. Bates.

Earlier in your letter you mentioned community property - that is exactly what he sees you as, his community chest. He treats you like a piece of meat, hell, like a slave. It kind of sounds like this is some Napolean shit where he is a small little piece of human garbage and the only way he can feel any power is to take yours away. Honey, it's time you fight the power and get back what little life you have and the dignity that you can salvage. You need to channel you inner Angela Basset movies. No Fucking Joke. Look at her characters in "What's Love Got to Do With It", "Waiting to Exhale" and "How Stella Got Her Groove Back". All bitches who got scorned, all bitches who recovered just fine. And if that doesn't work you can still always shank that fucker and call it self-defense. Let me know if you need a good Criminal Defense Attorney, I know a few.

Go in Peace and Love, my child.

H-Bomb