Top 5 Worst Bitches in Bed...Actually, Top 1

Back in March, I wrote a column, Top 5 Baddest Bitches In Bed. And in that column described the five most memorable bitches I have ever slept with in my 20 years of smashing ass. Til this day, if you were to ask me to my face, if those top 5 bitches still hold true, I’d tell you, “Damn fucking straight they do.” And after many fan requests, I figured it was time. Time to list the Top 5 Worst Bitches in Bed. You can’t have a good without the bad, right?

People, I’ve had some bad fucking lays in my life. Like really fucking bad. But nothing, I mean nothing could top what you’re about to read. Lets put it this way…this bitch was so mother fucking awful that I couldn’t even do a Top 5 list. Why? Because this broad was so fucking bad that when I think of a bad sexual experience, she’s the only bitch that pops up in my goddamn head. EVERY.FUCKING.TIME. This is how it all went down…

It was just another Friday night back in 2001 in good ol' San Luis Obispo, CA. The weather was on point, bitches were out, the booze was flowing like a mother fucker and this night was going to be the night your boy, J-Wunder, was going to ground and pound the fuck out of some Pu-Tang Clan. Even if he had to roofie it. Wait, what?

Chillin’ with the fellas at our usual spot, Hudson’s, the night started off right – shots, shots, shots! I swear I drank so much Jager, I think I shat out a tub of black licorice the next day. Anyway, thinking it was gonna be myself and the fellas rollin’ deep as usual, a few homegirls decided to join. But in this group, I noticed a stranger who tagged along. A blonde one. 5’ 2”. Tight ass. Supple titties. Shy. Well, that was until she started drinking…

A conversation sparked regarding sex and blow jobs (the two greatest things in the world next to eating pussy and A/C). Being the reserved mother fucker that I am when it comes to such talking topics like this amongst females, I just sat back, listened and observed. Why? Because any good player who knows the game, knows what to listen for before they go into game mode before sealing the deal and tapping that ass. Ya feel me?

So like any normal sex and bj convo, it started off with the basic shit: sex is good, oral is great, blah, blah bliggity fucking blah. Then it wasn’t til blondy started to open her mouth that I paid close fucking attention…

Blondy: “I love it when a guy can fuck me til I cum so hard that I almost start crying…If I could suck cock all day, I would…I may be small, but I like it in the ass once in a while...I love me some sex...”

My eyes opened, ears perked up and my cock found its way out of the little dick hole in my boxer briefs. The signs were all there and it was time to go in for the kill…

We leave our spot and we head to Mother’s Tavern. The perfect place to get shitfaced drunk and makeout with bitches (even ugly ones) without feeling guilty because everyone around you is doing it too. I buy Sugar Tits Magee a drink, walk up to her and say, “I guess I should introduce myself…my name is J and here’s a vodka/soda. Nice lips...mind if I make out with you?” Now, that was probably the dumbest shit a woman could ever hear from a guy they literally just met for 15 seconds but had been sitting next to for 2 hours talking about sexual shit. Didn't matter though...bitch ate that shit up like an anaconda eating a fucking mature goat for breakfast.

Now before y’all get bored with the rest of this fucking fluff, lets fast forward to the good shit, shall we?

I ended up making out with this bitch on the dance floor...with one hand on her small ass titty and the other hand on that tight perky ass. Bumpin'. Gridin'...about to seal the deal and take this little number home and bang her into a coma.

We get back to my place and shit gets heated. We're making out. Her clothes are flying off. My clothes are being ripped off. Dirty talk ensues. Nipples were being pinched. Balls were being tickled. Vagina was being eaten. Then it was time. Time to do the fucking nasty. No, not take a shit on her chest you sick fucks. I'm talking about boning mother fuckers. Straight up, 100%, unadulterated gang banging minus the gang. You're welcome.

Hard as a fucking jackhammer and amped up to go American Psycho on this chick, I threw her on the bed, took one look at her and said, "I hope you brought a wheelchair baby, because you're about to be fucked into paralysis, sweet tits." It was then and only then that this situation turned for the worst. But how could it? All this mumbo-jumbo talk prior to gettin' all freaky-deaky on the dance floor was just the beginning to a great night of fucking, right? Wrong bitches. Way mother fucking wrong.

Remember blondy who talked such a huge game about sucking this, fucking that, anal this, chili dog that? Well, she wasn't all that she was cracked up to fucking be. Real talk. She wasn't this broad that LOVED to bone. Hell, I don't even think she knew doggystyle was a sexual position. She was a poser. A liar. A non-freak. A once-in-awhiler fucker. She my friends, was a DEAD FISH. She lied there, looking at me...probably waiting for me to spit on her face or call her dirty names or some shit. Hands at her sides. Like a corpse. She went straight "mummified" on me people. Was it me? Did I say something to scare this bitch? I knew punching her in the ass instead of slapping it was a bit too much. I should have went raw dog on her. Bitches love the raw dog. Fuck, I LOVE the raw dog.

All of this was a bad dream. Fuck it...more like nightmare. There she was, lying there like a dead fucking fish, meowing like a goddamn cat as I did dick pump reps in-and-out like I was doing my daily stretches at the gym. I was disinterested and thought about pulling my dick out and just asking her if it was cool to jerk off in a sock and finish myself off like a teenager in the handicap stall at school. Wait, what? But before I could even shoot those words out my mouth, it happened. My dick went limp inside of her (you read that right). It died within minutes (9 to be exact). My dong was so turned off by this bitch that it shrunk into my stomach...making me look like I had a vagina that resembled that of a 13 year old girl from Cambodia.

QUESTION: Fellas, what percent do you think who are in the act of fucking a woman (this includes blow-up dolls), get dick shrinkage if it is NOT whiskey dick?

ANSWER: ZERO FUCKING PERCENT. Z-E-R-O. No man...I mean, no fucking man would ever...ever, ever, ever, ever EVER...get dick shrinkage in the act of fucking a female or anything that resembles that of a vagina. This includes but is not limited to: a melon, cantaloupe, apple pie, london broil (raw), a Twinkie, Ho-Ho or any Hostess product, etc.

This bitch was by far the worst lay EVER. And if this situation wasn't bad enough, I actually faked an O-FACE for my FIRST TIME EVER. That's right. I did what women have mastered for centuries. I was good at it too. All grunty and shit. Breathing all hard. Rolling my eyes in the back of my head like the exorcist and shit. Hell, I even started convulsing so bad that she freaked out a little bit because the bitch thought I was have an epileptic seizure. I even did a one-up by spitting on my cock when she wasn't looking to make it look like I came. Too bad I was so drunk that I didn't realize it should have been IN the condom, not on top of the mother fucker. But hey, can you blame a brotha? Hella spit all over my dong. Shit was comedy to be honest.

After I praised her for being "such a great lay", I told her to get the fuck out because I needed to sleep alone since I have a huge fear of "sleeping with people". I told her I have a tendency to choke people while trying to fuck them in the mouth in my sleep, so my therapist thought it would be wise to let others around me know that. Who falls for that shit? Obviously this bitch, right? Don't worry though...I called a cab for her and gave that bitch 37 cents because that's all I could find underneath the couch.

After she left, I realized something while eating something that tasted like Chow Mein, but might have been month old spaghetti...people who blatantly talk a big game, don't have one. I think I'll stick to fucking chicks who are whores and don't talk like ones.

Here's to you real whores who keep a man's dick hard.

The "Friendzone" - A Call for Help

"One of our Chivettes, Ashley, has been best friends with a Chiver for a long time but recent events have changed things. Now their friendship is at stake because the boy's hesitation to be more than friends. I'll let Ashley take it from here:

Alright, Chive, here's the deal. I've been in love with the same guy for 8 years now and after all this time he finally confessed his love for me a few days ago. He was my first real boyfriend, we lost our "you-know-whats" together, we go on these amazing dates every time he's in town, and we talk to each other literally all day every day.

Now, instead of trying to date again me or marry me or whatever, he's letting his fear of relationships get in the way. He'd rather keep the relationship we have now than risk us actually dating and getting into a huge fight and losing it all. This, my good sir, is a problem. I don't know whether to give up and try to find someone else or to stick around and hope that one day he'll get it through his thick skull how badly I would fight every day to make an actual relationship with him as perfect as possible.

You'd think he'd realize that after 8 years there's nothing he could do to make me run away; but no, he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Point being, he's a very loyal Chiver. Checks it everyday if not twice. maybe with your help and the help of other chivers, we can give him a little push.. because i'm too awesome to pass up.. but ill let you be the judge of that."

via - The Chive


A fan sent me this link and asked if I could give my two cents on this situation. After reading what the fuck was going on, it was an absolute fucking must that I respond. Why? Not because I care, but because I need to point out what America is fucking thinking. So enough with the goddamn small talk, lets dissect the shit out of this mother fucking situation that has been presented to us.

FACT: This broad is fine. I'd fuck her into a coma then fuck her while she was IN a goddamn coma. Hell, I'd probably toss her salad with syrup too. Fuck that, if she took a shower, I'd toss that shit with no syrup, jelly, jam or ranch fucking dressing. No Betty Crocker bullshit up in here. Did you see this bitch in yoga pants? Her ass was the business y'all. Anyway, here's a girl that's in mad love with some dude she's been jocking for 8 years. 8 fucking years!!! Who in God's name would be in love with a mother fucker for so goddamn long and still be in the "friendzone"? Who mother fucker, who? You know who? Ugly mother fuckers. There's only one problem - this bitch ain't ugly. With that being said, we have ourselves a goddamn problem, don't we?

What's the problem with this dude? Shit, what's the problem with this broad? Here's my analysis:

1) Dude is gay. Straight up...this mother fucker gots to be gay. Ain't no bitch this fine, who's been jocking a dude for 8 years gonna be shot down. EVER. Congratufuckinglations that you two popped each others cherries. Bravo that y'all talk every fucking day like them bitches from Sex in the Go Fuck Yourself. Round of applause that your dates are amazing...they probably consist of mani/pedi's with a side of shopping at Neiman fucking Marcus. I'm a guy, and every dude that is a fucking dude out there in this goddamn world knows...if a fine bitch that you boned is jocking you, you need to jump on that shit and put that pussy on a pedestal. Real talk. But this dude...he's not even attempting to reciprocate...AT ALL. He's using piss poor excuses to be with her because he doesn't want to "deal with the fights, worry, heartbreak, and depression." Tell me what fucking man says that to a woman? No man I fucking know. Maybe I'm just a asshole and would fuck this girl before I took off her clothes. Who knows. All I know is that this guy might just like her for the deep convo's and amazing shopping sprees. Moving the fuck on.

2) This bitch is cray-cray. Hey, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. If there is one thing women are good at, it's being fucking crazy. Like some Fatal Attraction bullshit. No sane broad I know jocks a guy for 8 goddamn years without having a fucking screw loose somewhere. Fuck that. You know what liking someone for 8 years is called? S-T-A-L-K-E-R. How do I know? I have a few of these stalker ass bitches following my ass right this goddamn minute...that's how I fucking know. So what this guy stretched out your vagina? Bitch, get over it. Dudes love pussy. Even if that pussy was so loose it was like throwing a hot dog in a hallway. True story. Vagina is a man's kryptonite. Especially beautiful vagina like this chicks. But see what happens when you pop cherries? Bitches be stalking you for 8 goddamn years and will never let the fuck up. Amen.

3) Someone got a secret and it's called H-E-R-P-E-S. The gift that keeps on giving. I've never had an STD in my life but I will tell you this - if I knew a girl liked me for 8 years and I was shooting flames out my dick, I'd probably find every excuse in the goddamn book not to be with her too. Even if it hurt like a mother fucker not to say anything. Now, this doesn't mean the dude ain't fucking other bitches. I mean, people are shady these days and will go fuck random strangers without saying anything. That's what he's probably doing since these random skanks don't mean shit to him. Is it a dick move on his part? Hell fucking yeah it is but remember, it take two to fucking tango. I'm a fan of raw doggin' the shit out of the pootie, so if you ain't packing jimmy caps and there is no concern of "safe sex" other than the "pull out" method, consider someone fucked. Literally AND figuratively. Any questions?

4) The sex and everything along with it, just ain't the business. Look, I've met someone beautiful ass women in my day. And honestly, just because a bitch is fine as fuck doesn't mean she's an automatic, great lay, great kisser and can suck a dick like a porn star. You'd be surprised how many fine ladies there are in this world that don't know how to do any of this shit. Things happen you know. For instance - her snatch might smell like a dumpster filled with 8 year old chow mein and gouda cheese. She kisses like bum who just tasted ice cream for the first time in over a decade. She sucks cock like she's opening up a can of Dennison's Chili. She fucks like she's dead...meaning, she ain't really fucking but thinks she's fucking. One false move in any of these categories - TURN OFF. Don't care how bomb your ass is looking. If you can't come through physically, you mine as well go run in front of a moving bus...or just have your friend push you down a goddamn flight of stairs. Cunt.

5) He's fucking her friend. There's a good chance Romeo over here is fucking other bitches too...that's a no-brainer. But a friend, let alone, her best friend? Aaaaaahhhh shit, son. That's dirty. Well, to her it's dirty. To him...just another day in Fuck City. Ladies, know this about men - if ever they are presented with sex...whether it be with someone you know who is a relative or friend...men will fuck them. Why? Because we love pussy AND the chick who has given them this golden opportunity has no care in the world about your feelings at that moment in time. Hey, men aren't the only shady mother fuckers in this world. Bitches are shady too...they're just smarter when it comes time to being a two-faced cunt. If this is the case, and this broad Ashley doesn't see it, then well...Ashley is just another stupid bitch that doesn't deserve a man. Only because she doesn't think how men and women think. Especially us shady mother fuckers. Now that doesn't mean she has to be all insecure and shit...fuck all that noise. She just needs to know how men think and actually fucking operate. Because dudes that throw out shitty excuses but go on "amazing dates" and "talk every day", are hiding something. Something "good enough" to keep a broad unaware of what the fuck is really going on. If that ain't the truth then maybe you can go fuck yourself too.

So there you have it fans. My two cents on why this bitch Ashley has wasted 8 fucking years of her goddamn life on this so-called "soul mate" or whatever the fuck you want to call his sorry ass. Then again, any chick who wastes 8 years being in love with someone who isn't planning to be fully committed is just being played by the Puppet Master. Well played mother fucker...well fucking played.

I'm out.

Top 5 Most Dangerous Sex Positions

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