Giving up, "Giving Up"

Lent. What is it? What does it mean? Well, according to me, Lent is basically sacrificing some shit you love, for 40 days and 40 nights, to honor Jesus for dying for our sins. In turn, you get some type of consideration from God and his entourage on whether or not your ass is going to heaven. I'm pretty fucking positive I'm totally off, but whatever. At the end of the day, it's all fucking relative.

Folks, I grew up Catholic. And if there was one thing I fucking dreaded as a Catholic, was fucking Lent. Wanna know why? Well, because that shit always fell around my birthday, April 12th. And since it was around my birthday, I was miserable. FOR-EV-ER!!! Do you know what it feels like to turn 10 and be told that you can't play on your goddamn Nintendo because God says, "You will go to hell if you have fun?!" What's even worse is that if my birthday fell on a Friday, I wasn't eating all the delicious shit a kid on their goddamn birthday was allowed to eat. Oh, no. My ass was eating either 1) Sardines in a can, 2) Spam or 3) Mackerel. First of all, do any of you mother fuckers know what mackerel tastes like? It's like the worst fucking fish in the world. I think next to a fucking bottom feeder, Mackerel survive off of eating their own shit. Yeah, it's that bad people. I think it's used for bait and costs 99 cents for a pack of three. This fucking fish tastes so goddamn bad, that I would rather eat pussy with a yeast infection for fuck's sake. That's how awful that fucking fish tastes...that I would eat out a vagina that is growing the main ingredient for bread. Lets not even talk about those sardines in a goddamn can because that shit was just as bad as the fucking mackerel. As you can see, Lent for me wasn't about sacrifice, it was about childhood torture.

However, as years passed, I got used to it. I got used to not doing shit for my birthday, sacrificing the things I love and eating food that looked worst than a vagina after it went through an 80 man gang-bang. The shit stuck with me so much that it followed my ass throughout college. Ok, I gotta admit, when I got to college, I wasn't as hardcore since I didn't have two parents nagging me 24/7. However, I stayed true as best as I could and practiced shit the Catholic way. Fast forward to present day...

Last week, I asked myself one question..."What the fuck am I going to give up for Lent this year? Every year seems to be the same and I need to mix some fucking things up. I need to do something that will get me a First-Class ticket to heaven. It needs to be the year that I blow God's fucking mind." So after 3 minutes of debating with myself, I finally found the answer. I told myself, "I'm going to give up, giving up." What the fuck, J-Wunder?! Your sacrifice for 40 days and 40 nights is "giving up"? You bet your sweet fucking ass people. It's probably one of the best ideas I have ever had in my 31.90 years of existence. With that being said, you're all probably saying, "That makes no fucking sense man." Sure it does. Let me break it down for you...especially for you Catholic's that are praying for my ass right at this very moment...

Every year, I give up something. Something so near and dear to my heart. But the reality is, out of 31 years of sacrificing some bullshit, more than half of them have not been successful. Basically, they all went down the shitter after week 1. I'm talking about giving up booze, sex, masturbating, pizza...you name it, I fucked myself by not following through and staying strong. Now I know how crack addicts feel when they are trying to give up the glass dick and 7 gram rocks forever. It just ain't right and it's hard as fucking shit.

Now comes the idea of giving up, "giving up". Plain and simple, it's the idea of not quitting as bad as I want to. For example:

Situation - I can't eat anymore. My stomach might explode if I have one more bite.
Solution - Bullshit, I'm gonna eat that 10th slice of pizza because I promised God that I won't give up. God hates quitters, especially ones that wastes food. Am I a food waster? Fuck no I'm not.

Situation - I'm too fucking drunk...if I have another shot, I'll blackout and puke on myself.
Solution - Fuck that shit...I'm going to take that shot like it's the last shot on earth. God hates pussies and I ain't no fucking pussy. Where's that goddamn bottle of tequila hiding?! Cheers mother fuckers...here's to a 3-day hangover.

Situation - I'm too tired to have sex. It's been a long fucking day and all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Solution - You can sleep when you're fucking dead. Being offered sex is like someone offering you the winning lottery numbers to tomorrow's $350 million jackpot. It's an opportunity you never want to pass up. Now go fuck yourself into a coma big guy.

How could I not give up, "giving up"? I mean, if anything, giving up is the easiest thing to do in this world. So easy that over 50% of marriages end in divorce. So easy that 40% of virgins stay a virgin. So easy that 70% of men have sex with ugly chicks just to get their dick wet. The list can go on forever. The fact of the matter is, giving up takes less energy than going after something and setting goals. Do you think not drinking 4 more beers is easier than saying, "No thanks, I'm way too drunk right now"? Fuck no it ain't. Sure you may blackout and find yourself covered in your own piss the next day but you know what? Every single person you were with is gonna say, "Man, that mother fucker went ALL OUT and got shit faced." You know what that equals? WINNING. And you know who winners are besides my boy Charlie fucking Sheen? It's people that say, "Fuck this. I'm not taking the easy way out. Bring on any fucking thing that stands in my way." Yeah, it's these people that get that First-Class trip to heaven. It's not those fuck faces that give up and move on to the next meaningless thing. Doing that is way too easy. I don't want EASY. I want CHALLENGES.

So if you see me eating a Big Mac Meal on Friday, don't ask, "Why are you eating a hamburger today if you're Catholic?" Because I'll answer, "I'm eating these two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a toasted sesame seed bun because every Friday I eat a goddamn Big Mac. Me not eating a Big Mac every Friday is telling McD's to go fuck themselves. God wouldn't want that, would he? Like me, the man up above would not want me to break the Big Mac tradition. God hates quitters. Even for 40 days..." After reading what I just wrote, I don't think it made any fucking sense. But I don't give a shit. If you read between the goddamn lines, you know what I fucking mean.

Lent. Is it for everyone? Not really. However, those that stick with their sacrificial vows deserve all good that comes their way...even a First-Class ticket to heaven. As for me, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell if God doesn't think giving up, "giving up" isn't righteous. But ask yourself this...if you gave up, "giving up," how would your life be for 40 days? For me, it hasn't even been 7 days and I feel like a winner already. Think about it because the possibilities are endless people. I mean, what would you rather do, give up beer and lose a few pounds or drink more beer and get laid more often? If that isn't reason enough, then I don't know what is.

Keep up the good work people. I know I will.