A Legend In The Making...

Have you ever had a friend that just WOW'ED you? I mean, every time you hung out with them...you were fucking amazed at what they did? Well, I want to tell you about one guy, one man, one legend, that I have the honor of being friends with. He's not a childhood friend. He's not even an old roommate. He's a college buddy that I wish I met many fucking moons ago. I'll save everyone the boredom by skipping the part on how we met, because I really don't fucking remember to be honest. What I will do though, is tell you about the man that made myself and other friends say, "That fucking guy is a goddamn LEGEND."

He's the only man to attempt the game "Edward 160oz Hands". You're all probably saying to yourselves, "Wait, I thought it was Edward 40oz Hands?" It is. He mastered the game so fucking well, that this dude took it up a notch after he decided drinking two 40 ouncer's of Old English duct taped to his goddamn hands, weren't enough. So he decided to duct tape two more.  One to each forearm in addition to one to each hand. He made it to 3.5 40's before succumbing to the Malt Liquor. Basically, the mother fucker was wasted and I'm pretty sure he shat himself in his sleep. Sure he didn't fucking finish, but how many people do you know could drink 3.5 40's of booze. Let alone, malt fucking liquor? Last time I checked, maybe a goddamn rhinoceros. Not a fucking 5'8" 160 pound individual...that's for fucking sure.

In 2004, he went to a bachelor party in Las Vegas. In 36 hours, he drank everything under the goddamn sun and didn't stop...literally. His idea of water was Absolute Vodka...straight from the fucking bottle. While everyone decided to sleep, he decided to knock on every fucking hotel door so each person could partake in the "Circle of Death." He did this until the bottle was empty. Keep in mind that the bottle started off full...1.75 handle-size full. What no one else could finished, he did. He got more titty dances than the bachelor did. By the 36th hour, he got in a cab, hopped on a plane back to San Luis Obispo, and finished up a group project with a bunch of sober engineers. His final words before he left Sin City..."This weekend, I gave it everything I had. I hope I made you proud." You made us more proud than a father finding out his 30 year old son finally got a piece of fucking ass.

He's the only guy that could drink booze from a horizontal laying position. While other people gagged on their drinks trying to showboat from this stance, booze flowed through this dudes body like water through a goddamn garden hose. And even though the shit looked fucking awkward and somewhat homosexual, the guy got pussy for showing the ladies that the human body is an amazing fucking thing.

Even though he makes more than 3 times the poverty limit in salary, he still participates in malt liquor Monday's. He thinks it's great to drop dookie paste at work and blow up the bathroom with malt liquor stench for all of his rocket engineers to enjoy. He thought his body would adapt after all these years, but he guessed wrong.

He's the only guy that gets invited to parties from people that he doesn't even know.

He's the only guy that has a drinking position named after him.

Any contest that involves the word "team" and "alcohol," he's always the first pick.

No one can touch him. Not even the Pope. He's my buddy, my friend and the next poster boy for Old English Malt Liquor...everyone, this is the man I like to call...

SHAPIRO