Where's My Cell???

Today I get my new cell phone. It's a glorious day because for almost 48 hours, I felt fucking lost without it. It felt like, what that crackhead bum took away from me on Sunday morning, was my life. Am I bitter? A little. But like I said, no cell phone was worth getting stabbed by a goddamn dirty fucking needle and contracting AIDS the next day. Go ahead and take it bitch. There's more of those phones around. Dirty ass cunt.

Having no phone for the past two days, made me realize something. It made me realize that us as a fucking society depend on cell phones...FOR EVERYTHING! When I was on BART this morning, I looked around and realized that out of the 200 people on my train, 198 mother fuckers were all on their goddamn cell phones. Even the old bitch that looked like she was gonna fucking die any day now. That's how popular cell phones are...98 year old people have them. Whether they were playing a game, texting, talking or Facebooking, 198 goddamn people were using their cell phone for something.

How the fuck did we get by before the cell phone existed, people? I mean, whatever happened to the rotary phone. You remember those right? Those phones that took 5 minutes to dial one fucking number. And if you fucked up, you had to start all over again and it took another 5 fucking minutes. It was faster to do smoke signals than use that piece of shit phone. Seriously. Or what about the pay phone? You know, those kiosk-like stations where you put in 20 cents to talk for like an hour and shit? 20 cents to talk for an hour...how fucking amazing is that? Now we have the cell phone, folks. The phone that not only lets you talk, but email, Facebook, text, play music and watch goddamn movies. All in the palm of your hands.

I didn't know what the fuck a cell phone was until I got my first job out of college. Not because I didn't want one, but because my broke ass couldn't fucking afford one at the time. But the beauty of not having one was that I remembered numbers like no other. It was like I was a genius at memorization or something. I mean, I think I remembered 50 peoples numbers. I was like the fucking Yellow Pages people. "Hey Sablan, what's that bitches number I banged at your party last week?" BAM - here you go. "Hey bro, I'm hungry, can you order a pizza?" Shiiiiit fool...TA-DOW...you want mushrooms on that shit, playa? I'm telling you...any name or food establishment, I was like a goddamn human black book. Then I got a cell phone and all that shit ended real quick.

If I were to ask 1,000 people that owned cell phones if they knew anyone's number off the top of their head, do you know what they would say? FUCK NO, then probably slap the shit out of me for asking something so fucking stupid. Hell, some people barely know that 911 is the number for emergencies unless they saw that shit on their phone. That's how stupid we've become America. What's crazy is how addicted we've become to applications connected to our phones as well. You know what I'm talking about...waking up first thing in the morning, and right away, picking up your phone and checking goddamn Facebook for fuck's sake. Can't sleep? Browse your Facebook News Feed. Posted a status? Checking Facebook two minutes later to see if anyone "Liked" your shit. Made a comment? Check to see Facebook if you got a response. Deny it all you want, the reality is, cell phones mixed with Facebook is like sex....it's fucking addicting and we can't get enough!

Is what I'm saying bad? Not really. Well, at least for the people that knew how life was before the cell phone existed. But for you young generation shit heads, I would start talking to us older folks and try getting a few good tips. If you thought I was having withdrawals 48 hours without my cell...could you imagine some of the kids today, without theirs? I bet some one these younger fuckers would jump off a goddamn building if they had their cell phone taking away forever. Then again, cell phones are more than just some bullshit phone you talk on. You can actually watch porn on it which I think is fucking amazing! Oh shit, did I just say that? I meant, you could take dick pics and post it on Facebook as your new profile pic. Don't believe me, you can read the story right here - http://thejwunderfullife.blogspot.com/2011/01/advice-column-omg-is-that-dads-dick-on.html

I get a new cell phone today. And it's gonna really fucking suck when I open my phone and realize I don't have one fucking number. Call me because I have no clue how to contact you. Real talk.