Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Happy 420!

Weed. The miracle drug that apparently cures cancer, pain and hunger (especially on the late night). Millions of mother fuckers smoke this shit. Me personally, I've done it probably a handful of times and after my last encounter in 2004, I decided that WEED, really isn't my thang. I don't judge people who smoke it, I just can't handle that shit. For that reason, and that reason alone, I give you....

J-Wunder's Top 5 Weed Smoking Moments!!!!

#1: 1997. My first year in the dorms. My first time smoking from a bong. Actually, my first time ever fucking smoking. 4 hits, a pulled rib from laughing too fucking hard and two family size bags of Doritos later...I'm circling a bush for over an hour outside of a dorm room thinking ninja's are chasing me. I was so tripped out that at two different moments I jump into a bush and thought I could turn the same colors as the trees. Like a mother fucking reptile people. Shit was fucked up.

#2: 1998. Smoked Northern Lights out of a 4 foot bong. I was sitting at my desk and thought I was on a roller coaster...FOR 2 FUCKING HOURS. Made it to the cafeteria on campus and ate everything they served. I'm talking french fries, salad, pasta, grilled cheese, cheeseburgers, some shit that looked like meatloaf, ice cream, and cereal. Just know, if you can eat a whole bowl of croutons by itself, you know you're fucking high as shit. And while all this was going on, I thought the whole time I could read peoples minds and hear their thoughts. When really, mother fuckers were just talking hella loud and shit. After I ate for 2 straight hours, I took a nap, woke up and was still high. Guess what I did next? I went back to the cafeteria and ate for another 2 FUCKING HOURS. Never had diarrhea so bad in my fucking life. I think I shit so much that by the second day of the runs, my asshole sounded like a colicie baby.

#3: 1998. The ride from San Luis Obispo to Modesto. Christmas break and heading home for the holidays. I have never laughed so hard in my fucking life. For 4 hours. Straight. Me and my buddy were so high that when we looked at how fast we were going, we were going 45mph. That's like going 110 when you're high. Nothing was worse then when we got to the McDonald's drive-thru and I was screaming and laughing so hard that since I couldn't order, I told my buddy, "Lets just fucking go." My mom was so confused when I got home because I was laughing so hard but had red eyes. She asked me, "Boy, you look tired because your eyes are so red." My response, "I'm just high mom." Her counter, "What's that?" My answer, "Too much sex."

#4: 2002. The summer before I moved to Chicago. I stayed in San Luis Obispo to do nothing except party, have sex with incoming transfer students and work a meaningless job at the Rec Center. My buddy who was working for a moving company came home one day with a sack of bud and an apple. Never smoked out of an apple before. For the first time ever, that shit was pretty cool. Maybe because I was smoking from a fucking fruit. Who knows. In any goddamn event, I was high. Really, really high. Like, I had a smile so big, I looked like a newborn Asian baby. I couldn't see shit. As my buddy and I were watching Jamie Foxx's stand-up, my buddy came home. With a girl he went on a first date with. Poor fucking guy. The door opens to find his two buddies high as shit with a cloud of smoke so thick, him and that chick had to have gotten high. He took one look at the both of us and said, "Ok. These are my two buddies, wanna see my room?" As he walked her up the flight of stairs, the only thing I remember my buddy saying was, "I would eat that girl out of days on end bro...DAYS!!!!"

#5: 2004. My bro in-law is in town and well, he's with his friends. We throw in the movie "Old School" and out comes the bag of weed and a Philly Blunt. Wanting to fit in, I ask if I can take the first hit. "Sure bro...just make sure you don't take too big of a hit. This is really good shit." I should have listened. Trying to be all cool, I not only take one big hit, but a second and third. It was all down fucking hill from there. Within minutes, mother fuckers were floating and looking as if they had heads the size of a goddamn T-Rex. Trying to be all cool, I just sat back and tried to watch the movie. That didn't work out too well but a few seconds later, I swear my dog walked up to me and say, "I'm hungry, feed me mother fucker. Ruff." I started to trip out and thought spiders were crawling all over me so I went to lay down. Another bad fucking idea. Once I closed my eyes, I thought I started to piss myself. Every time I would feel a tingle, I would run to the bathroom, pull out my dick and try to pee. It got to the point that I just sat on the shitter to go to sleep thinking, "Well, if I gotta take a piss, I'm already here." My bro in-law was asking if I was alright and the only thing I could say was, "Hey man, what the fuck did you put in that weed?! Are mother fuckers supposed to feel like they're pissing themselves?! This shit ain't funny, man!" I looked like a little bitch for the first time in my life. There I am, sitting on the shitter, trying to fall asleep and not piss myself thinking that my dog is talking to me while mother fuckers in my living room are floating around with big ass bobble heads. Shit ain't right.

And it was that last time in 2004 that I told myself, "Fuck that shit. Never again mother fuckers." Still to this goddamn day I believe that shit was laced. And still to this day, he denies it. That's the power of fucking weed, folks. I don't know how some of you mother fuckers do it, but more power to you. So enjoy today pot smokers. Today is your day to get a bunch of horrible shit and do shit that high people do. Which is sit around in a room and stare at each other like you are about to eat a mother fucker alive. Happy 420! Spark it up!


danielle said...


MG said...

OMFG I'm crying laughing right now! That's your best shit ever J! Holy shit, my coworker thinks i've completely lost it.

The Albino Wino said...

You mean you don't want to feel like that every day?!

J-Wunder said...

I'm telling you...weed doesn't like my ass! Shit is fucked up, right?!