Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm like a chocoholic... but with booze

Did you ever know a "chocoholic"? One of those folks who just can't get enough chocolate? I bet there's at least one in your home or workplace. My co-worker Katie is a fucking choc-o-holic. She always has her little bowl of Hershey's Kisses in her office, and would pop one in her mouth every 30 fucking minutes. I haven't seen a fucking Monday morning when she didn't restock her stash. It gets real annoying. The bitch has a real problem. I seriously don't even know how all her fucking teeth haven't fallen out of her goddamn mouth yet. Seriously.
But to be completely honest, I have to say that I'm a bit of a chocoholic myself. Except for one small detail. You see, instead of being addicted to chocolate, I'm addicted to booze. Yep, from dawn to dusk, there's one thing on my mind: that delicious ass booze! Beer, liquor, wine, all that stuff! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem. It's more like a hobby.
When my co-worker gets one of her cravings, she reaches for a Baby Ruth or Mars bar. With me, it's a Bud Light. The refrigerator at work is always stocked with plenty of them. Don't judge because I damn well know that you bastards would do the exact same shit. Oh, I also have a little flask of whiskey in my desk drawer at work. In fact, if you can keep a secret, I even keep some booze in my purse in case of an emergency. I just can't stand to be without booze for too long! Again, I don't have a problem, just a really fun hobby that gets me wasted and takes any bad mood I might have, away. Can you blame a gal that works 24/7?
See, I'm a lot like that Cookie Monster fucker on Sesame Street. Only it's more like the goddamn Booze Monster. When I walk into a party and see that they have booze of any kind, it's like, "Whoa-hoa! All bets are off! Lemme at that booze! I'm thirsty mother fuckers!"
I remember this one time, there was no chocolate in our the office. Katie was going out of her mind, trying to scrape up some sort of chocolate fix. It was like a crack whore willing to suck a dog's hairy little dick for a 7 gram rock or something. In the end, she resorted to drinking a cup of hot cocoa. It was fucking hilarious! Sort of like the time I drank a bunch of Nyquil because there was no booze in my house (I think people do that shit at Rave's). Or that other time with the rubbing alcohol (I swear I thought it was Vodka when I opened it up and took a little whiff). That shit tasted like EVERCLEAR. Thank God I at least had Gatorade to chase it down with.
Another time, I was completely out of booze, and all the stores and bars were closed, so I drove 45 minutes to find a place that would sell me some beer or something. I was kind of embarrassed, because here it was late Monday night, and I had to work the next day, and I'm driving around looking for booze (like a complete crack whore). But, hey, that's just how things are when you're a "booze-oholic" like me! I finally found a huge all-night liquor store. You should have seen how I loaded up! Cases of this, fifths of that. It was 5 a.m. when I finally got home, so I just said, "To hell with work!" and had my own little improvised holiday. I called it Booze Day! I'd been working hard, getting to work on time almost every day for two weeks, so I figured I'd earned what wound up being the rest of the week off. Kinda like my own personal Spring Break. But by myself. Pretty fucking cool, right?
Sometimes Katie and I talk about how we should cut down a little–you know, health concerns and all. But there's always some special occasion that gives us an excuse to go off our "diets." Halloween was Katie's last big bender. My most recent bender was today. There was a good movie on TV, and I figured, hey, I'll need steady hands to change the volume. Of course, it all went straight to my liver, but what are you gonna do? It is, what it is.
Yes, those chocoholics are a funny sort. But they won't hurt you–as long as they have their chocolate, that is. Or, in my case, booze!

Ball Buster


Anonymous said...

America needs to see J-Wunder vs. BB in a drink-off. I would pay to see that.

Anonymous said...

Um, yes, you're a fucking genius!

J - whaddya say? you're ass is going DOWN!

J-Wunder said...

I'm in. Can't wait to watch your ass stumble BB. I'll bring you a wheelchair.

Anonymous said...

Make a video and post it! That or take alot of fucking pictures! lol