I woke up at 6am on Saturday with a smile on my face. May 21st, 2011 was the day I was apparently going to die along with the rest of the world...all because some honky tonk mother fucker from Oakland and his Bible beating posse said so. THE RAPTURE IS UPON US. What was one going to do with himself on Judgment Day? My answer...not a goddamn thing. Why? Because like every crazy religious mother fucker that's been taking one too many sips of wine at communion, this Judgment Day wasn't going to be any different then the one from 1994 and the infamous Y2K...oooooooh, scaryyyyy. Please...get fucked will ya?
Now, I was raised Catholic. And in my non-committal Catholic beliefs, no sonofabitch at my place of worship, has ever told me that I was gonna die from mother fucking zombies, locusts and Transformers fighting a couple of goddamn Thunder Cats while getting ass rammed by an army of G.I. Joe's while then getting eaten by some mother fucking dinosaurs that escaped Jurassic Park. Alright, so maybe the Transformers example was pretty fucking extreme, but everything else I swear I heard.
Guys, what the fuck is going on with society today? Hey, I get that some fucked up shit has been happening as of late: massive earthquakes, tsunami's, tornadoes, flooding, war, hunger, Justin Bieber...the list goes on forever. It's been so bad that probably a majority of society thought that this was the year that we were all going to die. Shit, I don't blame you for thinking that. It makes sense, right? Massive devastation finally gracing us with its presence like that movie 2012 (which I have never fucking seen but apparently, that shit was fucking fucked up). So what do we make of this so-called "End of the world" that is preached by all these crazy bastards that call themselves disciples of God? We don't make shit of it people. You know why? Because we were fucking saved. Saved by one man. One elbow. One...Ohhhhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh. Don't act like you don't know. We were saved by the Slim Jim guy himself. The 10-time World Champion...Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Don't believe me...check out the pic that the Pope himself drew Friday before Doomsday. Don't thank me or the Pope, thank that bad ass mother fucker flying sky-high from heavens turnbuckle. Bang bitch. Bang.
A blog that's not only one of a kind, but one of a kind and fucking funny. You may not laugh at everything, but I know for goddamn certain you'll laugh at something. People love watching train wrecks—and I’m happy to oblige. Because sharing these stories has taught me not to take life so seriously. And through my experiences with the blog I’ve found that honestly sharing my most humiliating stories not only makes people laugh, but helps them with their own problems.
Monday, May 23, 2011
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