Monday, July 16, 2012

Advice Column: It's ok in a Three-Way

Dear J, I've been with my man for 5 years, 2 kids the whole damn thing. We started out with a bad ass sex life, fuckin 3 times a day like it wasn't shit. Over the past year, I've been trying to get him to play the '3' card and bring me home a down ass bitch for us to play with, to no avail. Past few times I've got down on his cock, he says shit about his ex while im doing my thing. It pisses me straight the fuck off, yet he seems to enjoy it. What should I do? Should I hit this mother fucker and keep going? If I'm going to hear about another bitch, shouldn't it be one I'm fucking too? I need some wisdom.


Pissed Wifey

Dear Pissed Wifey,

I am trying to wrap my mind around all of the fuckery I just read and I am not going to lie, it is hard. I drank too much this weekend and on a scale of 1 to Amy Winehouse, I am at Lindsey Lohan. So, if this shit doesn’t make any sense, it is because I am probably (ok, definitely) still drunk. I would try to give a more heartfelt apology for my own fuckery, but naaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. On a scale of 1 to Fucks I have to give, I have zero.

In my defense, I give some of my best advice drunk, so I am going to take a stab at your little sitch and see if I can’t help a sister out. You got some fucked up shit going on and I am not sure if I want to scissor kick you or your baby daddy in the back of the head, yet. I will let you know when I make my decision.

You say you and your man used to bone down like it ain’t no thing? Yeah, guess what Sweet Tits? In the beginning of a relationship we all bone down like it is the beginning of the Apocalypse and the only thing that can save us is fucking. I am not going to spend a lot of time on this topic, because it has been done to death and I am actually already bored with this. You guys have been together for a while, you busted out a few humans and y’all got busy with life and shit. It happens. Simple solution: make more of an effort to have sex. Fuck each other in a closet while the kids are napping, if you have to. Don’t get so caught up with all the other stuff that you forget the good stuff. Next!

I will have to say, I applaud you for trying to fly your freak flag and keep the spice in your sex life. However, the addition of another person may not be the answer you are looking for. Hold the mother fucking phone, though. I am not saying that a threesome is NOT a beautiful and magical fuck-fest, to be enjoyed by all. But, if you guys are already having intimacy issues, the addition of a third may actually hurt you more than help you. Figure out why you want to bring home a bitch to play with. Have you always been bi? Has your baby daddy always known about your prediliction for coochie licking? If these are things that are coming to light now, you may actually be freaking out your man by letting out your freak.

If you have always had freak-nasty tendencies, you needed to disclose that shit up front. You can’t be all "I love missionary sex with the lights off one time a week" and then a few years later be all "What I meant to tell you was I really want you to fist my ass while this other chick is dressed up like the Easter Bunny." Relationships require a little something called full disclosure. You have to be able to know the gristle of a mother fucker, if you want to make it work. And the sooner the better. Here’s a little hint - people like to know what they are getting into before they get into it. If you didn’t tell your man you were into chicks when you first met and then you drop that shit on him 5 years and 2 kids later, he might feel a little bamboozled, hence his apprehension to bring you home a fuck-toy Barbie to play with. Yeah, that just happened.

I do have to give your man a little credit, though. He figured out your button to push and that dude hits that shit like it’s his job and he’s picking up a paycheck on Friday. You told him you like women and he realized you obviously don’t like his ex, so what does that mother fucker do? He brings that shit up during sex. Like a boss. There isn’t anything much better than a pissed off, horny woman and this dude figured that shit out with a quickness. One point to baby-daddy. But what are you to do now?

I guess what I don’t understand is if you want to bring a bitch home to play with, why the fuck don’t you bring a bitch home to play with? You are giving baby daddy all the cards to play and that fucker is dealing you nothing but jokers. Fight the power! If you want to take the pound town express to Threeway-ville, then be the conductor of that train and choo choo, bitch, CHOO CHOO.

I have also decided that I am not going to scissor kick either of you in the back of the head. You both got some shit to work out and I don’t think a hit to the head is going to help you do that. I am also afraid if I move to fast I am going to puke.  Fuck you, Vodka. Fuck you very much.



just what's on my mind said...

That was the best answer to a "help me" letter ever!!! Choo choo bitch...i will be laughing at that for a while....

Anonymous said...

Damn that was on point!! Choo Choo Bitch!!! Lol

Anonymous said...

On a scale of 1 to Amy Winehouse I'm a Lindsay Lohan hahahaha I could not absorb anything after that...funniest shit ever !!

Anonymous said...

Hell ya, come home with a "special friend" & when the kids are asleep, get all dolled up, light some candles & surprise your man. Be like "holla holla hey hey! Let's go."

Nastassja Kinky said...

Lmfao once again. Winning advice! Choo choo bitch!!! Ahahahaha

Anonymous said...

wit, u mean women dont like it when u call them by ur ex's name. get the fuck outta here. lolol it only pushes her button...lmfao. ever tried it? or fucked up that way? my ex's chomp down. lolol. fuckin comical.

Kryptonarie said...

I applaud you ITMOAGG for being honest & carefully thinking about the advice you've given; people need to figure out the root of their problems before adding more elements into an already unstable mix... you can't undo what you've done once it becomes your past. Kryptonarie

Mandy May said...

JE-SUS! IM FUCKING DYING HERE! My, you sure make Mondays worth it ...baha!

Anonymous said...

I agree, quit giving your man all the cards and bring your own bitch home to fuck with! Also take it from me you don't just wake up one day a bisexual, I've known for at least a decade.

Anonymous said...

From experience (and I'm a woman), threesomes can be awesome or relationship ruiners when 2 of you are in a long term relationship. In my ex marriage, we made them work well, but it takes a lot of "work" pardon the pun :-) to use them to ADD to your sextivity and not derail it. Happy fucking!

Anonymous said...

It's a fucken joke! There is no way that any relationship can overcome a 3some. It might be fun for a little while, but eventualy someone's feelings will get hurt. Best advise is to keep that 3some bullshit outside of the "home" (meaning the relationship). Its a cluster fuck and it will always end messy. 3somes are great with people you are JUST fucking and nothing more! Btw...H-Bomb you are funny as hell!

AveDogg330 said...

aww yall gotta cut the crap when u say its a bust for a 3 way in a real relationship... first off, i been known my wifes tendencies, so the cards are already face up.
a good relationship has good communication, so that shouldnt be your problem.
the trouble is, finding a chick thas down, and he may not know any.
the only "other " chick he prolly hits is his ex, and thats most likely due to her hatred for the main chick, and zombie (read, undead) feelings for this dude, but would never bring herself to share a bed with both if them.
im not gonna tell yall how i dooz it... or been did it,
but sometimes,
a dude, and his closest homie, can wrangle said homies gf to do the dirt, and give this chick some taco love, while her man gets it in, and his boy gets some dome, ( fellatio, for the laymans out here)
and everyone gas a good time.
also, another way, to bring in the goods, is just a well planned trip to your local "single moms night hangout" aka the strip club.
plan up, dress up, clean the house up, and go hunting. pick out a fun looking broad, and mutually tip, and test her before u talk her into goin back to the crib. plus, most likely, you wont have problems with clingers, unless one of u is really good, in such case, u may end up with a part timer... ( read, fuck friend)
if its your fantasy to get some chach in your life while you catch some sausage frim the back,
or u want some baction while pipin your man.
think it through, plan it out, make it happen.