Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Advice Column: When to Catch and When to Release

Hey J Wunder,

I need some advice. For this situation and situations going forward. I recently just got back into the dating game. I met this really nice guy online. I gave him my number and we texted for awhile. We would text a lot and I would usually be the first one to text him but we would talk throughout the day. Then we had our first date he kissed me and then text me within an hour of me getting home. I thought for sure he was into me. But since then the effort has been on me. If I don't text him he doesn't text me for days and I asked him out again for our second date. We had our second date and it was awesome. He said he had a great time and we kissed again. But, since then I still feel like I'm the only one making the effort. He also deleted his dating profile online. Which leads me to believe he met someone, I'm just not sure that someone is me.

In my last few relationships I was the main pursuer but now it's been almost 3 years.

Should I continue to pursue him or just let it go? Is it too early to ask him if he's still interested or does that seem desperate? I've been out of the game so long I have no clue what how it works. I have no issue with asking him how he feels but I'm just worried its too soon.


To Pursue or to not pursue

Dear To Pursue or not to Pursue,

Normally, J gives me this kind of advice column because he knows I will go balls deep on your ass with no lube and grab a fist-full of hair while I am at it, but you will also love it. This time he is making me answer it because he knows I just went through some shit like this and have some words of wisdom to impart, from my heart. The first person who comments on the "kinder, gentler, H-Bomb," is gonna get a straight shot to the baby-maker. REAL TALK.

In most situations like this, I would be all Cuntface McGee and tell you to sack up, dust the sand out of your chocha and moonwalk the fuck out of there. Deuces, mother fuckers! But goddamn it, someone recently done took a hold of my cold, black, heart, and tugged on my emotions (and not just my labia), and made me think that not all men are scum-sucking wastes of time, unless they are fucking me or fixing my car.

Since this is actually about you and not about me, Imma cut the shit and get to it. He MAY be into you, he is just not THAT into you. Sucks, I know. But trust me, as this advice is coming from the place in my chest cavity that is not completely devoid of human emotion. Say it with me, sister girl, "If he ain’t tryna be with you, he ain’t that into you." From my vast and varied experience in the dating & fucking world, I know if he isn’t calling and texting you on the regular, trying to hang out on the regular and just trying to date you on the regular, he is not trying to date you at all. You, my dear, are a passing fancy. If you don’t know, now you know. Thanks, Champagne!

But guess what, Boo. You ain’t got time for that, either! Cut your losses, move the fuck on and let this mother fucker go on about his bidness. I know that most of the time, as women, we are wired to want closure, finality or what not, so that we know that whatever it was, it is REALLY over. I mean, like really, really, over. Here’s the thing, sweet tits; why give a fuck about this dude when he is giving zero fucks about you? I mean, seriously. If this guy had a fuck to give, he would have given it to you by now. Literally and figuratively.

Don’t call him. Don’t text him. Don’t email him. Don’t drive by his house, show up at his work or any of the place you think he hangs out. Cease and mother fucking desist on his ass and move the fuck on. If he wants you, he will let you know, BALEED-DAT! And if he does and it works out, awesomesauce. Invite me to the wedding, because I am a fucking blast at weddings and will do the robot for hours and drink all of your top-shelf liquor. If not, then you have all the answers you need and you can move forward without sounding like some whiny-ass bitch who can’t see what’s obvious to everyone else, including this whiny-ass bitch who has been a little oblivious.

Goddamnit. I gotta take my own advice on this one, too. Fuck you, J-Wunder, for making me do this, knowing I would figure out my own shit.

But wait, there is more! If he IS into you and puts this little effort into dating you, then do you really want to be with someone who is this lazy at dating? In the beginning of dating someone, especially someone you are really into, you put forth the effort to try win someone over and show them what a fucking catch you are and how you are better than all the other slacked jawed yokels out there. If this is this guy’s "A" game when it comes to dating, I would hate to see him 5 years later, after you two got married and you pushed a human or two out. I can just picture him in a filthy wife-beater, covered in hamburger helper, drinking Schlitz and yelling at you to, "shut that damn kid up, I am tryna watch the goddammn game." I know, I paint a prettier picture than Bob Ross, dead or alive. But guess what, sizzlean? That's real life right there, in all it's trailer-park glory.

I know dating sucks, putting yourself out there sucks and being lonely sucks hairy, rancid, donkey balls covered in crabs. But you know what sucks more? Letting someone steal your shine because you can’t let go of some fucker who is holding you back. So shine on you crazy diamond, and find some dude who sees your sparkle. And then invite me to that wedding. Where I will still drink all your top-shelf liquor and do the robot.



Sarah J said...

I definitely needed this kick in the ass today. Thanks H-Bomb!!!!

Anonymous said...

So shine on you crazy diamond, and find some dude who sees your sparkle.BEAUTIFUL STATEMENT! Fuck yea! I had one of these before.. CJ Hagan.. Go to Urban Dictionary.. Type in name & see what pops up! Fucking on point & hilarious! And actually H Bomb is 100% correct.. Step back, wait for the reaction.. If it's not what you want... Move the Fuck on!

Anonymous said...

True talk from the deep dark black hole where H-Bomb may actually have a heart ...she is spot on...might not be what you wanna hear but it is definitely what you need to hear......BALEDD-DAT !!!

Anonymous said...

Right fucking on H-bomb

KoolEMac said...

H Bomb,can you come to my wedding at do the robot and drink all my liquor?

Anonymous said...

I really needed to hear that tonight. Thank you!

H-Bomb said...

KoolEMac - Absofuckinglutely.

Anonymous - you are welcome!

Anonymous said...

Oh H-Bomb. I needed to read this 20 years ago. it all worked out though.