Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Advice Column: Three For The Price Of One

J-Wunder had a couple of short and sweet advice questions that needed answering, and he wanted the shortest and sweetest member of THE CREW to answer them, but Flo-Rich is busy as fuck being a boss bitch so he let me have a crack at it. Normally, I don't take three of anything on at once... Just kidding, I do that shit all the time. Three is a magic number! Just ask the people who created School House Rocks. If you are old as fuck like me, you now have the "Three is a Magic Number" ear-worm. You are welcome.

What do you think about a couple that has been dating for a year and yet the boyfriend won't accept her on FB? Or what about a boyfriend who wants his girlfriend to post that she's in a relationship but feels it’s unnecessary for him to do the same?

Are you new to life? Not to be a cynical cunt, but that fucker is hiding something. OR, he is not really her boyfriend and bitches be delusional, making up boyfriends and shit. Now, if he wants to flip the script and make her post that she is in a relationship, but he won’t, that is the FB equivalent of pissing on a bitch to mark territory. He wants everyone to know that he is tapping that ass on the regular, and all others need to step the fuck off. If you two are into golden showers, then by all means, carry on with your R. Kelly-selves. Otherwise, tell that controlling fuck-stick to kick rocks and find yourself a man that is just as proud to have you on his arm as he is to have you sit on his face.

"I work in a small office where all employees have to share the bathroom So, why do some people like to take a fat shit without spraying or leaving the fan on? Do you have office bathroom etiquette you can preach to the world?"

Oh, this shit. Literally. This shit makes me queasy, because I deal with it all the time and as all the people at GG know, I am not poop-friendly, just ask L-Train - she knows what the fuck is up with me and poop. I get that men are foul and disgusting creatures that will shit bomb a bathroom and call that shit Hiroshita. I just don’t get why women are doing that foul shit, too. I have walked into the bathroom at my office and found all sorts of no-no business: floaters and remnants, stank so wretched it could wake the dead, piss on the seats, 1/2 a dookie with spaghetti in it. YES. 1/2 a dookie with spaghetti in it. Some bitch wanted me to know what she had for dinner last night. I have been tempted to put a sign up that says, "You know what you did and you know what you need to do to fix it. Don’t make me karate chop your nasty-ass in the froat for being a discourteous fuck." However, my bosses are all, "We are a law firm, imagine the lawsuits if you put that sign up." But they don’t smell the shit I do. Haters. Just go to Pinterest and find some cutesy sign with flowers and shit and put that up. If it continues, feel free to use my sign.

Do gentlemen still exist? I recently went out with a guy and the third time we went out he wanted me to pay! I must have given him the look of death, because he said, "well I payed last time." What is going on with guy's these days?! Am I just meeting all the wrong guys? How do I find a good quality guy?"

Yes. They do. I actually happen to know some! Andrew, Kevin, Andy (these are all real people, btw, not just some rando names I made up), just to name a few. One of the aforementioned I have dated, and two are just friends. When I hang out with Kevin and Andy, I rarely have to take my wallet out. However, that is not what makes them gentleman, sweet-tits. In this day and age of women’s lib and equal rights, just because a guy pays for dinner does not make him a gentleman, It’s how they treat you after dinner, regardless of who pays, that makes them a gentleman. Andrew, who I dated, would always offer to pay (and I would offer to pay sometimes), but what made him a gentleman was all the other nice things he did. Like not try to fuck me on the first date, going to do things I wanted to do, instead of just what he wanted to do all the time, respecting my boundaries and wishes, etc. Those are the qualities that make a gentleman. Are you looking for a free dinner or someone to date? If you are just looking for a free meal, there is this magical thing out there called "food stamps" and I hear they give them to bitches like you all day, erry-day. If you are a pay-for-play kind of girl, you might want to let the guys you are "dating" know your rate up front, because no one likes to be tricked into paying for sex with a hoe if they don’t know they are on a date with a lady of the night.

Here is the real simple breakdown to all of this: You get back what you put out. Act like a lady and you will find a gentleman. Act like a prostitute and you will get johns.

I am spent after this quick-fire of advice. Holla at THE CREW if you have an issue that is niggling at your brain. But, right now this bitch needs a scotch and a nap, like 5 minutes ago. I am out, bitches.




Anonymous said...

You advice was spot on with all of these, but especially with the last one. Why do women expect men to ALWAYS pay for their broke asses??? That will lead the good men out there, the ones with jobs and houses and cars, to think you only want them for money. You can't turn a hoe into a housewife, and men know this!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I NEVER comment/troll, wtf-ever, & I'm definitely 1 of the hardest ppl 2 offend/embarrass, but just wow; I'm offended FOR the girl(about paying 4 dinner,) that wasn't even advice, & idk how u even remotely assume she's an f'ing call girl,& instead of u ACTUALLY giving her advice, u called her a whore!?!? I've never seen any of y'all(I've been a huge fan for quite awhile,) write ANYTHING so ignorant & disrespectful. I get that u HAVE 2 run your mouth 2 a certain extent, shock factor & whatnot, understood that that's how y'all got AND keep your fans(by the in-your-face attitude, crudeness, & mostly very blunt advice,) but damn. There wasn't even advice 4 her. ALL you did was call her a whore, LITERALLY! @ least most of the time, no matter how forward it is, advice is given, usually pretty good @ that, but if you DON'T have advice TO truly give, you should just shut. The. Fuck. Up. Maybe there ARE call girls that read your BS, but just bc that's what they DO, NOT who they ARE. Go look in the mirror & ask yourself if you're proud,& if you are, you're WAY more pathetic & twisted than I originally thought. Pa. Thet. Ic.

Anonymous said...

^^^^ No wonder why you never comment. You sound like an ignorant cunt that can't even spell or make logical sense.

Anonymous said...

^^ This ignorant bitch doesn't get it... If you insist that a man PAY for his time with you, and you will not accept anything less or split the cost sometimes, then you ARE no different than a hooker. It is paying for your time and eventually sex, and that is prostitution, silly bitch.

H-B, So why were you staring at the floater so intensely that you could see the spaghetti?? :)