Yo! What in the actual fuck, y'all?!
I was kicking it in the pool this past weekend...relaxing, peeing in the shallow end then it hit me - I'm 40 and I'm aging like a goddamn old person. Not like a cool old person either. I'm talking about an old person who hates every motherfucking thing known to man but gets their joys off the worst shit in the world.
People. Friends. Foods. People. Music. Did I say people, yet?
I can barely tolerate shit. Hell, I can barely tolerate ME.
On the real, I've lost a step...or a hundred.
It's like I used to have rhythm. Now, I look worse than Carlton dancing to Tom Jones' Greatest Hits. I guess it's not unusual to be loved by anyone bc that's how a motherfucker feels now. But ask me how many fucks I give?
Music is complete shit. Maybe that's why. Or is it?
Social media has become a newsfeed of experts who haven't finished high school that think they know more than actual experts. Look, I don't give a fuck if you are on the left or right side. All those motherfuckers have drank way too much of the political Kool-Aid. Bottom line, our country, our world is COMPLETELY FUCKED.
There are only a few things I have going for me at this stage of my life:
- Booze: I still drink it.
- Sex: I still have it.
- Masturbating: I still do it.
Before I go off on the deep end, can I just tell you guys that my beard has become more white by the day? Not that I'm complaining but man, what the fuck happened to me in the last year? Oh, that's right...I got fucking older. Not wiser. Not dumber. Just older. Maybe some brain lapses along the way...but hey, let's not try and get all WebMD and shit. This isn't the time nor the place.
I'm not here to remind all of us old folks that our backs hurt, our pubes turn colors like the seasons and we start to hate more people every day. I'm just here to remind y'all that sometimes, we don't age like a fine wine...we age more like a Wine Cooler. Notice how I didn't say, "Fine Wine Cooler" bc there is nothing fine about that shit.
This is how fucked up I've been...I'm starting to enjoy White Claw.
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
And why the fuck are they charging $16.99 for a 12 pack?! See what I'm saying?! I know the price bc I was at the grocery store the other day trying to stock up on some stool softener to get my dookie on point and I decided to browse the booze aisle and all I cared about was getting me some White Claw. What have I become? The older I get, am I starting to become my worst nightmare?
A BASIC FUCKING BITCH?
*cue H-Bomb saying, "Bitch, you've been a basic bitch yo whole life, motherfucker!"*
I was the guy who loved craft beer, great wines and amazing booze. Now, I don't even know who I am anymore.
The other day, I yelled at some high schoolers outside my car to turn down their music. I gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what the fuck they were listening to. All I know is that it sounded awful and it made me have vertigo. I was that guy. I was that OLD guy.
It gets worse people.
Sometimes during my lunch at work, I like to go on walks. Like, around the block and shit. You know the only walking I did before I turned 40? It was to the bar...for 2 hours then back to work. Pray for me bc I don't know who this monster is.
I drink tea in the morning. Fucking tea! By the way, Traditional Medicinals is really great and their products have something for everyone. See...what the fuck?! Who am I?! If my mom were to read this shit, she would have a fucking heart attack.
As I'm typing, I'm realizing I have no fucking idea what I actually wrote, let alone, if any of this shit makes any fucking sense. That's just something we will all have to get used to I guess. Your boy GG going on tangents about nothing, drinking White Claw and watching those SPCA commercials where Sarah fucking Mclaughlin makes you want to adopt every fucking animal bc that's what good people do. What's next? Me owning a bunch of fucking cats and hummingbird feeders bc "I just love everything about them".
The next time one of you see me, please slap the shit out of me, tell me to wake the fuck up, then pour half a bottle of tequila down my throat so I can find where my ballsack has been hiding.
I'm in a state of CODE RED.
I need to be saved. I don't care if it's from the local priest who might touch my weiner for committing sins or Karen who wants to speak to the manager every time she steps into a Target.
Someone save a hoe. This hoe.
Your hoe.
J-Wunderhoe.
1 comment:
I'm 35 and I live in Miami, been partying and living it up since I was 15. That's 20 years of abuse on my body. I now get gastritis when I drink too much....make time to drink vitamins and put face cream on (when before I was lucky if I even took my make up off). My hangovers feel like I am dying and I need the whole weekend to recover. I never had to worry about what I ate because I never gained weight. Now I'm looking up new keto diet recipes reading labels at the grocery store because my slim thick body is no longer slim. That's not all...I was always the girl who didn't really want kids or even pets because I was fully aware of how much work and responsibility they were & avoided them like the plaque. All the sudden I'm looking up different cat breeds and plants to grow in my condo. This shit is hitting hard!! What in the actual fuck is going on?
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