I hate Starbucks. I hate everything about those sons of bitches. More importantly, I hate those goddamn regulars at Starfucks. Oh, you fuckers know exactly what I'm talking about, so don't sit there like you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Know what I'm fucking talking about? Wait, what?
These "Regulars" come in 3 different types. All types that you've probably seen. Need something a little more goddamn specific, well here you go:
Meet Joe Black:
Everyday this fucker walks in and orders one Venti Black Coffee and a pastry. Simple right? Fuck no. Why? Well, for some strange reason, Mr. Plain Black Coffee fuck face, thinks it's ok to have a 10 minute conversation with the goddamn cashier every morning. Hey asshole, did you notice the 10 other people behind you? No one gives a shit about your goddamn weekend at the lake let alone how your wife is fucking your son's best friend. Just because you spend $3 a day here, doesn't give you any right to think it's a fucking therapy session with the fat ass barista, who in fact, is fucking 20% retarded and drools when pronouncing her fucking "S's" jerkoff. Stop this shit.
Need some help? Here's a fantastic fucking idea dip shit: Fuck your wife more than once a year so she can stop cheating on you with Tiny fucking Tim, or jump in front of a goddamn bus and hope it kills you. For fucks sake, grab your shit and go mother fucker. This ain't church and I don't see a goddamn confession booth. Dick.
The Special Orderer:
Three words: FUCK THESE PEOPLE! Every fucking time they set foot in a Starbucks be ready for them to order some shit that takes 10 minutes to explain, and 20 minutes to make.
Can someone tell me what the fuck is a Non-fat, Soy Latte Latte, with 1/3 of whip, 1/4 shot of caramel, 3 ice chips, a splash of vanilla (but the real shit, not that fake shit), extra hot with a blah, blah, blah...SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE! Who the fuck orders all that and knows if all that shit is actually in there? How bout I take your cup, pour some milk in it, then take a fat shit in there? Not only will it be extra fucking hot, dick fuck, but your drink will come with a free fucking brownie and some corn. Get the fuck outta here you special ordering mother fucking fuckety fuck. You're ordering coffee like you're ordering shit for a goddamn bridal registry. I bet you masturbate to songs by Bette fucking Midler.
I'm not sure what I want:
Who goes into a coffee shop, like a goddamn Starbucks, and doesn't know what the fuck they want? These assholes. It never fails...they walk in, browse the menu for the 15 minutes while in line, and when it comes time for them to order, you hear these words..."Hmmm, I'm really not sure what I want. What do you suggest?" Are you fucking serious right now you stupid fucking cunt? I have an awesome suggestion: How bout you get your ass out of the fucking line so I can order some goddamn coffee you fucking douche? How bout that? Better yet, how bout you take one of those bananas they have sitting near the cash register and shove that up your ass? It should help you think better. Twat.
Give me a fucking goddamn break right now. 15 minutes in line and you don't know what the fuck you want to drink?! Bitch, it's coffee. This isn't a fucking 9 course meal. Hell, this ain't even fucking Denny's. Order some shit, and shut the fuck up. Please. Cunt.
Three types of "regulars" that get me going. Now, you're all probably wondering, if I hate Starfucks so much, why do I keep going back? Well assholes, if you must know...I'm fucking the manager from there and I get free coffee and breakfast sandwiches. So there. Fuck you!
Time to get me a Non-fat, Double Mocha Frappuccino, no whip. Later fuckers!
