I know some of you are reading this, licking your chops, wondering what woman or group of women I am going to kick off their self-made pedastal today. Well, I hate to break it to you, but as you can see from the picture above, today I am focusing on the gents. Particularly, their faces. More particularly, their facial hair.
Men's facial hair is almost as much of a hot topic as a lady's vag hair. And like the downtown lady mop, everyone has an opinion, a taste or a preference of what they like and don't like. Just for the record, I likes me a lady who is bald below, but when it comes to a man that is completely dependent on the person. I have seen men who I think are sexy as fuck with facial hair and then when I saw them with out it, I was all, "Huh, I wanted to hit that? Must have been beard-goggles." On the other hand, I have seen some clean shaven men who suddenly don a moustache and voila! Chris Hanson is knocking on their door, asking them where they got that white van and puppy from, and if they knew the girl on the internet they were talking to was 15.
However, there is one type of facial hair that not even Sean Connery can make sexy. Yes, I have a Sean Connery fetish. He is sexy as fuck, even if he is 183. His voice alone is liquid panty remover. That man has rocked facial hair off and on since before he fucked your mom or your grandma, but the one thing that not even that Scotsman could make sexy is the Chin Strap.
A Chin Strap has to be the most ridiculous fucking thing a man can do to his face. It's like the Chola eyebrows of men's facial hair. Most of them look like they were drawn on with Sharpies, too. It looks like a porn star's pussy hair on the face, if it is one of the thin ones. If it is one of the thick ones, then the guy just looks Amish and instead of wanting to fuck him, I want him to churn some butter for me. I want to meet the first motherfucker who thought "I am going to shave this pencil thin moustache and beard around my face and bitches are gonna go NUTS for it." Newflash. Looking like a busted, 3rd rate, wanna be Back Street boy is not going to get you laid. Unless, the girl has some Chola eyebrows. I shudder to think of what those babies are going to look like, with all that fucked up facial hair going on.
When I see some fucker sporting the Chin Strap, thinking he is awesome in his Affliction shirt and that shit is crooked, I laugh my fucking ass off. Can't you tape that shit off, or something and get your lines right? If you are going to have a facial equvalent of a landing strip, the least you can do is make that shit tight and even. I can't even go into people who actually put designs and shit into their chin strap. That douchbaggery makes me want to punch them in their taint. And those guys who have that full, Amish-looking, Children of the Corn-creepy as fuck shit- Why? Why? Why? Do you want to look like you have a permanet case of "rape-face?" Because you do, Rapey McRaperstein.
All of this hate for the chin strap was brought to the surface by the waiter I had at lunch yesterday. Here I am, at a restaurant with my best friend, who was visitng from out of town, and we are basking in the warm sun and enjoying the people watching. All of a sudden this motherfucker with the most rapey voice I have ever heard and the most busted 1999 Chin Strap came over to take our drink order. I couldn't even focus on the task at hand because I was so disgustmerized (see what I did there, yep- new word) by his facial hair I could only order water. I was so fucked up over this I had to text a guy friend of mine (who also happens to have some sexy ass facial hair) and ask him his opinion of this facial fuckery. We were all in agreement. Chin-Strap = BAD. I thought maybe I just had a case of the bitchies that day, but thankfully my opinion was validated as being true and correct.
I want to put this into some perspective for the men who think that this is some sexy ass shit on them. The time you spend grooming that pencil thin chin strap could be time spent grooming me. With your dick. And I am more likely to actually let you do this if every time I see your face I don't have flashbacks to my days in the club as a raver girl. So, put your shiny shirt away, shave that shit proper OR let it grown into some sexy facial hair and I will show you my landing strip. Oh wait, I don't have one. But with that fuckery on your face you will never actually see if I am telling the truth about
it or not.
This PSA has been brought to you by the coalition to end Chin Straps, and I approve this message.
