Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Advice Column: Trust Issues

Dear J-Wun,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much that I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Utterly Confused

Dear Utterly Confused,

I can't believe that out of all the emails I received, this one was the first.  You got me all fucking confused.  First off, are you fucking serious right now woman?  I don't know if you're drunk, smoking some really good dope or what, but, how do I answer this?

Ok, what we need to do is get off the topic of your man that you can't trust.  What we NEED to talk about is who YOU been boning miss, "I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his."  I read that line over and over and over again, and realized it's probably not a misprint and you just might be that stupid.

Who have you been boning seriously?  Because if you have a man that you can't trust and you're not sure the baby you're carrying is his, then doesn't that mean you're fucking somebody that isn't the guy you're originally fucking?  Lets not beat around the bush here but, I think you just admitted guilt and need solutions to your own "who's the baby's daddy" problem.  That's why I'm here - the voice of reason and solutions.

I'll be honest, you're fucked lady.  But not completely.  I mean, worst case scenario, you have this baby, and it doesn't look like your man, hell, it doesn't even have the same colored skin...he finds out, he leaves, you cry for a week and then you go find the real baby's daddy by back tracking every dude you nailed during the time you went on your little "fuck-streak."  It might actually be a case of you (I'm being completely serious when I say this) taking this shit to Maury Povich and getting on the "Paternity Test" show.  Again, it all depends on how that baby looks when you give birth...AND how many dudes you decided to give mustache rides to before you dug yourself this big fucking hole.

You have this feeling that your man is hooking up with chicks.  Seems right considering the baby that's inside of you might not be his - slut (my apologies but c'mon, I'm right).  With the situation you're in, lets say your man is hooking up with every whore bag this side of the Mississippi.  My advice is to keep letting him do it.  Let him hook-up, bone, bead flick and tongue wrestle every chick he encounters because right now, there's a 50/50 chance the bun that's in YOUR oven might not be his.  Call it what you will, but there is a lot at stake if you love this guy.

Now if you were just plain smart, tell the fucker.  Tell him, "Hey, I think you're cheating and that's cool because I think the baby we're having might not be yours.  Sorry."  How he reacts is on you.  Just make sure the dude doesn't have any priors.  Good luck and please keep your legs closed after you give birth.  Well, keep them closed if you're planning to be with one guy for awhile.




Anonymous said...

lmao gurl time for u to make that call..... hi maury, my boyfriend cheats on me so much that i dnt knw if baby his.. I swear im leaving if the dna results say its not his..... Rofl

either that or maybe she was trying to say he got some one else pregnate and she doesnt knw if babys his?

Anonymous said...

OK so in fairly sure she was being sarcastic with the whole not knowin if the baby is his cuz hes cheatin so much comment. how on earth did you get that she was the slut? LMAO

Anonymous said...

She was completely being sarcastic about the baby thing. She's not the slut, HE is. It was a joke on her part!

Anonymous said...

i agree with the comment above she was being extra sarcastic as some sort of joke about how much HE cheats

Anonymous said...

I concur with anonymous #2&3. Damn GG, where are your sarcasm reading skills? They must not speak that in the ghetto.


Anonymous said...

How the Fuck can you read sarcasm??? That bitch is dumb..plain and simple...if she's that worried about him cheating then why the Fuck is she with him???

Anonymous said...

bitches be cray