A Ghetto Luv Letta...

Gul I loveded you,

Straight up fo'sho. 

Or I wouldna told dem ova girls

not to call me no mo.

I knowed it was true,

the first day I seed you.

Why you thank I do,

the thangs I do?

Remember how I use ta wine and dine you,

Schlits Malt Liquor and Bar-Ba-Que. 

I gave you a bubble baze and fed you grapes.

Dey was on sale that week a dolla ninety-eight.

Romanic evenins after dark,

Skreet light walks around the block.

Like the very first time,

you came ova to my crib. 

And you got all scared,

cause that roach was on yo Tims.

I was right dare,

with a can of spray.

To be yo Super Negro,

and save the day.

I ain't even pay my light bill,

so I can take you to da club..... 

Don't knock ova dem candles

and burn up my rug!

And dat nite we made luv,

for a long liddle bit of time.

I hope you got yours,

cause I sho'nuff got mine.

I woke up early and made you breakfast in bed. 

Sep fo I ain't have no juice, no grits, and no eggs.

Didn't have no cereals and was fresh outta milk, 

so we had some toast and some potada chips.

I use to rub lotion on yo feets,

and massage yo back.

I found you some glue,

when you lost one of your tracks.

Now what man you knowed,

ever loveded you like dis.

Gul please just take my name

off dat child support list. 

5 Types of Men Women Want, But Not Really

It's 2020, folks. And while this year has already been a complete mind fuck amongst other things, one thing sticks out in the heads of many women - "Will I ever find my one true Romeo?"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Look, I may only be the ripe damn age of 41, but what some of you have not realized is that there are 5 types of men that you constantly engage with without even knowing it. No more, no less. It doesn't take a goddamn genius to figure it out and it's a damn shame that some of you scalawags don't know any fucking better. That's why I'm here. To wake you the fuck up into the 21st Century and let you know, that what you want, you'll never get. Plain.And.Simple.

Again...5 types of guys. Agree to disagree, I don't care. This is what life has presented you and the penises that surround you. You're Fucking Welcome.

#1 The Married Type:
The perfect fucking dude. Great guy. Good morals. Good attitude. Honest. Committed. Faithful. Overall, one-hell-of-a-guy that is, "too good to be true, perfect". Ladies love this type of man. Why? Well, because he fits the bill to what a MAJORITY of women want in life. Someone that will treat them right and be there til the end. Keep in mind that even though this guy ranks #1 on 85% of females shopping list, this doesn't necessarily mean the dude wants kids. And as long as him and his girl come to that understanding, everything is all good. I mean, they are about to commit their lives to one another, so why not be on the same page after years of being together, right? However, shit happens and if they end up with kids, they should have planned better. I don't know what kind of fucked up dudes any of you date but, if you think someones mind will stay the same after dating them for a few months is normal, good fucking luck! Why do you think couples cheat? Because minds fucking change. Again, some of y'all should know better. No need to get into the subject anymore. I think the readers get the point while some still sit there confused on what the fuck just happened. Moving on...

#2 The Player Type:
The perfect guy that women don't want, but date. This guy cares about you, but he cares about other bitches he's fucking too. He doesn't want a wife. He sure as hell doesn't want kids. He will undoubtedly cheat on your ass. Why? Because that's what he does. No commitment. No morals. No remorse. Real talk. This is the guy you want minus the cheating part. Sorry to say this but, this guy right here...is your only fucking option on the "no marriage, no kids" resume. Oh, and if you want adventurous, he's right here. Just keep in mind that these lovely trips and bullshit you so dream of, won't come out of his pocket. At least for you. He'll make sure you pay for that shit on your own. Basically what I'm telling you is that you are now probably 0 for 2. This is what happens when some females make up imaginary fucking men that don't fucking exist. Congrats on being a complete dumb ass.

#3 The "Ronni Jersey Shore" Type:
If you like to get abused and thrown around a bit, date this guy. The good 'ol jealous, "I will beat your fucking head in til you're in a coma", boyfriend. Take the "married guy" type, turn him into a psycho and this is what you get. An amazing man that will go "Sleeping with the Enemy" on your ass if you get caught slippin'. He'll be faithful, love you, honor you, be there for you. Just one thing to note, you do anything that is outside his guidelines, you'll be choking on your own blood 2-3 times a month. Hope you have enough vacation days to heal those wounds when you get beat the fuck up. Is this an over-exaggeration? Well, that all depends on who you ask. Stupid bitches date these guys then play victim. You're an adult, if you're miserable, get the fuck out of it. If you pull the whole, "I'm scared for my life" card, remember this...there is something called 911 and the goddamn police. Anyway, I'm assuming this isn't your cup of tea, right? On to lucky guy #4...oh, by the way, 0 for 3.

#4 The Video Gamer Type:
He plays video games and is still a virgin. He's never masturbated a day in his goddamn life and if he were to shoot a wad, he could probably demolish a house with the heat he's probably packing inside that 4 inch dong of his. These guys are what I like to call A-Sexual. Not really sure what that means, other than, they don't like sex or women. They aren't gay and they aren't trying to become priests. These dudes play video games all damn day and think they're real. I like a good video game here and there but for fuck's sake, ain't no video game worth more than a piece of ass, IMO. If any of you know someone in this category please do me and America a huge fucking favor...get this motherfucker a prostitute and show him what busting a nut feels like. I'm pretty sure once he shoots his first-ever-wad, he will have a new hobby...it's called FUCKING. 0 for 4...ouch.

#5 The Gay Type:
No need for details here. These dudes don't like chicks. Well, only for shopping and drinking coffee and shit but, other than that, they don't dig the female species. They love dudes. Can't knock 'em for it so why argue. Even though they're in love with the "Hershey Ham Wallet" they are still dudes but just gay dudes. They will listen to you, love you, be true to you but just won't fuck you and be your boyfriend. Don't want kids? No problem. Don't want to get married? No problem. Want to have tons of sex? Yes. But with other dudes. See where this is going? You my friend are 0 for 5 and are basically fucked beyond belief. Only because, again, you want some guy that doesn't fucking exist. Get it?

So there you have it, ladies and gents...5 types of guys. It's shitty to not have what you want, and it's even shittier to have what you don't want, isn't it? Folks, whether it's you or a friend, realize some people need to chill the fuck out and realize that the man you are trying to build will never exist. Don't be like those chicks that are angry all the time but bitch on why they're still fucking single. Don't blame men on some bullshit you like to call "reality". You say you don't false advertise and lay it all out there. I say some chicks are full of fucking shit and don't come clean til after the fact (just like men, so calm the fuck down). But if what some say is true, then realize one thing...guys are smart enough to roll with it just so they can sleep with you. Call me an asshole all you want, the reality is, guys will say shit just to get in your pants. So it's up to you hoes (and I mean that in the most polite way) to either roll with it, call it out, or move the fuck on. Regardless, I'm sorry to say but...


Romeo Doesn't Exist,

J-Wunder

Advice Column: Your Friend Is Not The Problem

Dear Ghetto Genius,

Okay so when i was about 12 i noticed my friend was gay..i knew he was gay b4 i even knew what gay was. HE WAS FLAMING! and it has gotten worse over the yrs and i found out why....u see his mother is also his sister....yes motherfucker u read that shit right and his father is also his brother....YES INCEST BRED A CHILD. *shudders* no wonder he is soooo screwed up! he looks like gothika..or samara from the ring... he makes one ugly ass women and an even uglier man...and he claims he is a female..but has kept his male name...i could have physically vomited!! anyway i jus wanna know how the hell do i accept him? it gives me the creeps but we have been friends since we were kids...yikes.



Dear Whoever You Are,

Jesus Fucking Christ. I'm gonna go ahead and leave your 3rd grade education out of this...for now. I'm not sure how you know someone is gay if you don't even know what the fuck gay is. Did you think you invented that shit when you made your little "discovery"? You give yourself a lot of fucking credit. So now you don't even know if you can be friends with this dude? You said it yourself, that this person has been your friend since you were a goddamn kid. You clearly had something in common with him at some point, and HOW he was conceived and by whom, should be of no fucking consequence to you. I don't see the connection between his gayness getting "worse" over the years "because of" who his parents are. Are you really telling me that you think he's MORE gay because Uncle Daddy fucked Auntie Mommy or whatever? REALLY? Get the fucking fuck outta here!!!

If you're any kind of friend, or have a decent bone in your body, you will realize that this guy, because of who/how he is, probably doesn't have a lot of friends, and the prognosis for more, better friendships is pretty fucking bleak so maybe you should stick around and be part of his support system. Makes you a real hero, doesn't it? Fuck no, it doesn't. It makes you a REAL FRIEND, motherfucker. I think you're missing some very important points in dismissing your friend because he is "flaming". Gay bros make some good ass friends, especially for chicks...and I'm a dude telling you that shit. You can do all the stuff you do with girlfriends, and then some. You can learn how to make your gag reflex a thing of the distant fucking past (best thing a gay ever taught some of my homegirls, by the way). You can go out to dinner and dancing with a guy who treats you nicely and knows how to dress without having to worry about the awkward, end of the night, "I like you, but don't really want to fuck you" scenario. The answer you're asking for boils down to whether you possess basic human fucking decency. Do you, twatsicle?

You know what a normal, non-fucking-judgmental, equality loving person would do? BE.HIS.FUCKING.FRIEND.YOU.FUCK. Show up for him at his drag shows, help him tape his cock to his leg or wherever they want to bend it, cheer him on when he does his Cher impersonation, hold his wig and jewelry when he gets to throwing hands with the other fucking queens...you know, the shit that FRIENDS do. Unless you can't. If you're so disgusted by this person who has been your friend for half of your fucking life (or more), then bounce. Just get the fuck out and go find some "better" friends. If, as you said, he makes you want to "physically vomit" (though I'm not sure of any other way to vomit), then get to fuckin' steppin' and don't ever look back, Seabitchcuit. He deserves some dignity and respect from his long-time friend who can't see her way around to loving him for who he is, so don't try to let him down easy to ease your own sorry excuse for a conscience. Tell him that you can't be his friend because his gayness makes you want to vomit. Yeah...your little "dilemma" is one you created for yourself by being an uptight, narrow-minded fucktard.

So, I says to myself:  "Self, what's this bitch's REAL problem?"

It would seem that YOU and your perceptions are the problem, not your friend, who has known who and what he was since the (first) day Cousin Doctor slapped him on the ass. It seems like he would be better off without a "friend" like you, who knows only how to fucking judge him for smoking pole instead of munching box. Did your daddy not fucking hug you enough or what?

You Got Problems,

GG

It's the Final Fuckboy

If you read the title of this column to the tune of the "The Final Countdown," then you are welcome, and please, continue reading. If you didn't, you can still keep reading, but you need to tighten the fuck up with your musical knowledge.

For this, possibly my last, installment in the Fuckboy series, I am going to describe the Final Fuckboy. Once you  have defeated all the other Fuckboys, you can rest not-so-easy, knowing that you will still have to do battle with the Darth Vadar/Voldemort/Gandalf of Fuckboys. You will need to be prepared. Here is my step-by-step booklet, to get your Fuckboy Game on track and not your wig pushed back (RIP Biggie).

First of all, you have to recognize that you are dating a Supreme Master Fuckboy. He is probably going to be a 'lil bit older, maybe perchance, a bit fucking wiser, but lemme remind you - HE AIN'T SHIT. So no matter what Fuckboy Sorcery he throws at you, he still ain't shit. With that being said, be prepared.

The Supreme Fuckboy is a tricky ass combination of all or most of the Fuckboys we have talked about. Just to refresh your memory, these are the ones: The Married Man; The Convenience; The Zero Fucks; The Back and Forth; The Classic; The Fixer Upper; The Submarine, and last but not least, The Girlfriend Experience. And when you have so many types of Fuckboys rolled into one, you may almost think that you are, in fact, not dating a Fuckboy. Oh, but my dear heart, you must now realize that this is the biggest, baddest Silver Fox of All Fuckboys.  He will huff and puff and blow your wall down. And then show you what a Fuckboy he is.

Because this is the Black Belt Cobra Kai Fuckboy, you gonna have to sweep the leg and then crane kick the fuckboy the fuck outta this motherfucker. Recognize that just because you have an elderly gentleman caller who seems to not be a Fuckboy, heed my warning. He. Is. A. Fuckboy. Plain and simple. No matter what silver tongued tales your silver haired fox spins you, and trust me that shit will be platinum, he is still a Fuckboy. Say it with me - He is still a Fuckboy. Now write that shit on the chalkboard 50 times. Tattoo it on your hand. But never, ever forget that the older the berry, the fuckier the Fuckboy.

Now, I am sure a few of you are wondering why I would know so much about the Supreme Fuckboy. Oh, you know BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING DATING HIM. And it wasn't until we were going through our final days that I realized that this mid-life-crisis Fuckboy, was in fact not just any Fuckboy, as we had often joked, but the actually Fuckboy Supreme. Here's why:

1) He told me that because he was honest with me about not wanting to be in a relationship that I shouldn't be upset that things were ending. I had to not so gently remind him that just because you say you don't want a relationships, doesn't negate the fact that when you are solely dating (not just fucking) someone for 5 months, that a label, just like this Fuckboy, ain't shit. If I am honest with you and say I don't want to shit in your living room, and then I take a big nasty hot flaming shit in your living room, after taking little ones in the corner, you can't be mad at me, because I was honest about not wanting to take the shit, it just kind of happened.

2) As we were fighting he told me he loved me. That is THE Fuckboy move. Oh, you think that if you drop some L bombs on me, I am going to be ok with all your tired ass bullshit? Nah, brah, cus guess who I love more than any Fuckboy? Me, motherfucker. M.E.. And I have the receipt for the batteries I bought last Friday to prove it.

3) He went on a date the same night he fucked me in the morning. You know what that is. That is just fucking nasty...but he wanted to be honest with me about, so he told me 2 weeks later. Last time I fucking checked, honesty meant kind of the fuck when it happened, not two weeks later.

There are some other things, but I think you all get what I am throwing down. Just when you think it is safe to get back on your Hoe Stroll, you gotta keep your head on a swivel, so you can be prepared for the Supreme Fuckboy. He is out there, lurking in book stores, and buying you drinks at bars, making you think he is not actually sent from Hell to test your resistance.

And the funniest part of all of this? Because it is actually fucking hilarious. That when I defeated the Fuckboy Supreme, the fucking Portal to Fuckboy Purgatory opened up and I was contacted by not one, not two, but four of the ghosts of penis past, all hitting me with the the Fuckboy mating call of, "Hey, sup, WYD, How you been?" And if you are done with the ways of the Fuckboy, you gotta hit back with the, "New phone, who dis?," and then moonwalk the fuck back to your fucking happy place, full of batteries and boxed wine.

Hip Hop Hooray for Spinsterhood!

H-Bomb

Advice Column: Moveon.com

Dear J-Wunder,

I took a look and saw you are still around so figured I would hit you up for some advice. I need to know how to deal with this. There is this chick, not just any chick. She's been my home girl for years. We grew up together, I've known her since grade school and I swear to god I have wanted her my whole life. I love her. She loves me. I can't picture my life without her in it. But like any other man out there, I have been hesitant to take a plunge into commitment and have led her on for almost our entire lives. Over our adult years we have had the most amazing sex of our lives. Its all there, she is cute, sexy, funny, she can suck dick, and when we would fuck, it was some shit from a goddamn fantasy. 

No one else has ever looked at me like she could read my mind the way she does. She looks at me, can say "hi" and I know she wants to fuck me with that look. This girl can look at me and it is as if she is digging into my fucking soul and grabbing my dick at the same time. I'm telling you...she gives me the look and I want to tear her clothes right off her. This is some crazy shit. Anyway, she has tried to get me to settle down, but for some reason I just can't. I know I could have her. And I know when I settle down it is her that I want. She's told me she wants to take care of me and I don't want to give that up. Even though no one has ever compared, I string her along. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

She has recently told me that she is getting serious with one of the guys she is dating and wants to know if there is ever a chance to make something work between us because she loves me. She wants to actually date, be a couple, all that. Should I just try to get my shit together and actually take a chance on this? I'm sure at some point she will give up and I will no longer have the possibility of being with her. Right?

Never Say Never







Dear Never Say Never,

I think you may be one of the first men to ever make J-Wunder jizz just by reading a request for advice. Was your story particularly hot? Naw motherfucker, it was bland as week-old white bread. But the reason he creamed his pants is because he legit thought you were my ex-boyfriend writing in to fuck with me and he was going to make me answer some secret shit about my own life, like the sick fuck he is. But, he forgot about my powers of perception, i.e. reading, and that I could see the email and know that you are not, in fact, my ex-boyfriend. He's still a sick bastard, but imma treat his ass in a few months when I see him. Let's get down to the matter at hand.

You are the quintessential fuck boy of the worst kind. You have a woman, whom you profess to love, love fucking, and think is the goddamn tits. AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER. I swear to God, and you can call the fucking cops on me, I want to drive to your house and beat the shit out of you. And I am not one who is prone to fits of violence, but I have been that girl. For twenty goddamn years I was that girl. And let me tell you, I am the fucking bees knees, too, so I know how that poor girl is feeling right meow.

Let me tell you my tale of woe, in the hopes that you can learn from my ex's fail. And fail he did.

Picture this, South Florida, 1997. I am a young, hot, nubile goddess, just discovering the joys of boys and the O-Face. I have a very nice best friend, whom I hung out with quite often and one day he introduces me to his other best friend. I shall leave him nameless, but there are many people who will know exactly who the fuck I am about to put on motherfucking blast. Anywhoosies, I meet said friend of friend and we are like DAMN, but we stay friends. I end up dating another friend of theirs, and one drunken night when I am mad at the friend I am dating, I end up hooking up with the first friend of a friend. Yeah this is getting convoluted, so we will call the ex A.

A and I mess around, that one time (I am 20 by now, so 3 years of eye fucking each other have passed), but then I go back to the other guy and we go back to being friends (Thanks DMB). I move away, another few years pass (ok, like 6) and I am out and about with my bestie one night and I was like, "You know who I would love to see? A."  And as if through some sort of slut magic, A walks by about an hour later. We catch up, reminisce on the good ol' days and make plans to hang out. This time hanging leads to banging and banging leads to feelings.... but alas, young A is not ready for the trappings of a girlfriend and after a few years of toe curling sex and good times, we go, cue Dave Matthews, back to being friends. To make a long story longer, this goes on one more time, and one more time we get this close to being a thing, and then, like a fart out of J-Wunders butthole hair, poof, its gone. Same thing, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, blah blah blah.

Now, let me sidetrack - Karma did kick him right in the balls, because he did get into a relationship with this batshit crazy broad who ended up...drumroll please. LEAVING HIM FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Thanks, Karma, you mah boo.

Let's go to the present-ish day, because while I am a brilliant, ball busting, bitch, I am not always good with the "love stuff". A and I get back together, again. A couple of years ago, we got reacquainted (due to the death of the friend who introduced us, very sad) and started hanging out again. And just like spooning leads to butt-stuff, we started hanging and banging. This time I was smart; I told him that we could be fuck buddies, but that we could not be kissy-kissy in front of his family or friends and that we had to keep all the PDA shit behind doors and tied to the bed, just the way I like it. This went on for a few months, and then one day he kissed me in front of his family - I should probably tell you that his family and I are VERY close. His family adores me, and I them. His mother has always told me I am the favorite of any girl that his son has brought home and so on and so forth. You get me, fam? It is not just him I am dating when we date, I am dating the whole family. Which is why I didn't want to do this for the third time.

But, like all dumb bitches who are dickmatized, we make it official. My iPhone becomes an usPhone and we do the damn thing. I told him, don't fuck with me if this is not what you want, because I am too old for this shit and I ain't got no time to be someone's "maybe." Lo and behold about a year later, he tells me he loves me, but is not IN LOVE with me. So we bang, break up, and I move on with my life. JUST. LIKE. THAT.

Flash forward a few months ago. Just fucking follow along, don't read too much into that last sentence, dick bag. I have a point. I start dating this very nice man (yet, also not into the relationship thing, but that is another column for another time) and things are going swimmingly. I am over at the ex's house, because now we are just friends and get along great. For reals. I have gotten over the shock and awe of being a 3 time loser in the love game with this fucker, but we cool. We are all hanging out and drinking and he gets a little tipsy and confesses to me that he thinks he made a mistake. He thinks I may be the one and he fucked up, he's fucked up, and all that sad sack bullshit. But guess what???

NOT TODAY, SATAN.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me... Fool me three times, you lucky I don't pull your nuts through your trachea and then punch myself in the face.

Also, his mom pulled me aside after brunch and told me she was sorry about her son. See, my friend, it is not just the person you fall in love with, you fall in love with the whole package. For once, I don't mean the dick. I am just as surprised as you are. Trust.

Do I need to spell out the moral of this Melrose Place After School Special? Don't fuck with her unless you plan to fuck with her FOR LIFE. Don't make her stop living her life so you can keep her in a well and just rub lotion on her when it is convenient for you. You have seen Silence of The Lambs, right? Buffalo Bill dies in the end, after getting shot by some bitch that was chasing him. Ok, maybe that is a dark simile from my favorite movie, but damn son, don't sit on your dick waiting for what ifs. Don't think that the bigger, better, deal is going to walk through your door and sweep you off your feet. There are no Victoria Secret models trying to make a house husband out of you. If this is the girl of your dreams, then fucking do something before someone else realizes how fan-fucking-tastic she is and you are relegated to getting blowies by the former hot chicks from your high school that got fat. She will move on. She will do better than you. I promise you. Because she is me, and that is exactly what the fuck I did.

Have a blessed day.

- H-BOMB

Tales From The Cryptic

It's 2018. The year one would think the shit that annoyed us on social media, would come to a fucking end. Well folks, I'm here to tell you, that what I thought would stop, has gotten fucking worse! AND we're not even a month into the New fucking Year. What in the actual fuck?!

What I would like to discuss today is regarding those motherfuckers who act like they don't want attention, but in reality, love the fuck out of it. I'm talking about you cryptic-ass motherfuckers. And to make this column even better, I've created a short list of people, unlike you and I, that I'd like to throw into a pit of fire, while urinating on them and singing, "Face Down, Ass Up" by 2 Live Crew...bc I fucking love me some 2 Live Crew. Let's begin, shall we?

1) Calling Doctor Attention:

Oh, you all (except you fucks who are guilty of this crime) know who the fuck I'm talking about. Those piece of shit motherfuckers who ALWAYS check-in on Facebook when they go to the hospital. Doesn't matter if it's for an annual physical or the common cold, these assfucks will do whatever they can to make others wonder. "OMG, what happened? Are you ok?" "Dude, what the fuck is wrong?!" "Please call me." "I hope it's not anything serious." I mean, I can go on for days with what people will comment on these types of posts. You catch my drift. The best part about all of this is how the person posting the status or check-in, is that they will not respond to ANY comments. You know what I say to that? I say, "FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE." Hey, if you're gonna post some shit like that, why not tell us what the fuck is going on. Because let's be real...you like the attention. You like that people act as if they care. You are the only motherfucker on this planet that posts hospital check-ins 2-3 times a month, which makes us think you either have a serious and fucked up STD or AIDS. Not sure but, in our minds, you're dying, and we'd like it if you'd stop being such a cunt and tell us when your funeral is.


2) Jesus Take The Wheel:

"Pray for me..."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT?! Like, for reals. That's all you're gonna post, motherfucker?! PRAY.FOR.ME. Really, bitch? Pray for what? You dying? Someone in your family dying? Wish that your side chick told you to put on a condom after you just blew two months worth of baby gravy into her hot pocket after she stated she wasn't on any birth control?

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

And just like "Calling Doctor Attention," the comments flow in at a rapid fucking rate. "Prayers." "Prayers to you and whatever is going on in your life. Love you." "OMG. I just texted you. What is going on?" "Did you tell mom? Call me ASAP!!!!!" One thousand comments later and STILL, no response to any of these motherfuckers and what you'd like them to actually pray for. How bout we pray that you stop posting stupid shit like this and just keep all your personal bullshit off social media, fuckface. How does that sound, twat?

Next.


3) Give Me A Break-er:

"I can never get a break..."

Welcome to the real world, motherfucker. You can't get a break, huh? Take a number bc there are millions of motherfuckers in this world who can't get a break...shit, they can't even get a goddamn job for fucks sake. What do you want us to do? You think we have some sort of magical fucking wand where we will take all your troubles away then hand you a check for 400 billion dollars, asshole?

Do us a favor and stop with your cryptic post. What good are you doing? To be honest, while you post some shit like this, your asshole friends are all thinking, "Damn, this motherfucker is at it again. Posting some whack ass shit when they be living at home with their folks and don't have to pay for shit. What happened? Nail salon closed early? Your cobb salad came with blue cheese when you specifically said NO GODDAMN BLUE CHEESE?!"

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.


4) The Oversharers: 
       
With all the evidentiary support we have out there that we are being watched, monitored, data-mined, whatever the fuck, WHY DO YOU STILL PUT EVERY GODDAMN BREATH YOU TAKE ON FB?!

Like, we LITERALLY know there are apps and quizzes that say, "WE USE YOUR INFORMATION." The only person bringing mining jobs back to America is Zuckerfucker - and those are data mining jobs.

If you wonder why you are seeing ads on the book of faces about some shit you looked up .0000000087412 seconds ago, it is because the book is straight up creeping your shit. That you post. Every 45 fucking seconds. There you are...letting every goddamn Tom, Dick and Harry know when you change your relationship status, when you stayed in a hotel room doing choke sex and blowing lines off the room service cart, when you are 8 minutes pregnant and when you wish a motherfucker would.

Shit, I remember the days when, if we wanted to know something about them, we just asked. You actually called a motherfucker. On their land line. And asked them what the fuck was going on in their lives. Now, you just open up the Book or the Gram (did you know they are both owned by Zuckerfucker?) and you can straight up see pics of newborn babies, covered in they mom's placenta, and the proud parents beaming "here she is." Now can you go the fuck away and deactivate your shit, you oversharing assholes.

5) "It's Complicated":

"Fuck my man. I'm deleting all his friends from my friends list. Whatever he told you, he's a liar. I can't believe I was so stupid to be with this person for so damn long." Blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking B-L-A-H!

Those that air their dirty laundry, especially while in relationships, are the bottom barrel of fucktards.

Do y'all know how fucking stupid you sound...to EVERYONE?! True story.

There you are...thinking you've got this and through shit like Facebook, you think you're showing the world how independent and strong you are. Sure, in your mind, that's what you convince yourself of when really, every motherfucker reading your shit is thinking, "Here we go again with this bitch." "She's got to be the dumbest motherfucker on Facebook right now." "Damn, she's leaving him AGAIN?!" "Didn't these assholes just get back together two days ago? They broken up "for good" this time?!"

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT NOISE.

Few things:

1) You're an idiot.
2) No one in their right goddam minds believe anything that comes out of your mouth when it comes to relationships. Why? Because you're the worst at it.
3) While you think we have your back, we're just laughing at you.
4) There is not enough popcorn in this world to see your life collapse into shambles. Sucks for us.
5) See 1 through 4.

Why must these people do this to themselves?! It's the best and worst thing that we see on the daily. Hey, we get it...you suck at relationships. You are the prime example of what not to fucking be or do. What you have isn't called love. It's called being DYSFUNCTIONAL, you silly fuck.

So there you have it. Five amazing assholes we hate to love and love to hate. Now, I know a lot of you will say, "Well, just unfollow or unfriend them." Why on earth would we do that? Because we're bitching about it and it annoys the living shit out of us? That's the easiest and most obvious thing to do. But why do that when a lot of us enjoy watching train wrecks that have absolutely nothing to do with our lives?

Social media is a love/hate. We love it and hate these people. We just can't turn away. Can you blame us?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Peace out, bitches! 

Advice Column: Those Who Can't Do, Teach

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New Year, New You, New Fuckboys

Dear GG Fam,

2 years, 3 months, 18 days, and about 6 hours ago I dropped some knowledge on you on the ways of the infamous and sometimes elusive Fuckboy. Lo and behold, some of those Fuckboys actually took time away from being a Full-Time-Fuckboy to read my pearl  necklaces of wisdom and, in the words of Bear Grylls, improvise, adapt, and overcome, so as to find new and fuckier ways to get in your DMs, and then into your pants/heart. However, someone threw up the H-Bomb signal (basically just  👌) and I knew it was time to come out of retirement and lay some truth bombs, in a way that only I, the mystical, scotch-laden goddess of snark can do. Hold on to your butt-plugs, bitches, cus I'm bout to blow your bunghole out with my newest revelations.

It is motherfucking 2018 and yet here we are, still getting played by the following kinds of mark-ass, bitch-ass, dick-hole, motherfuckers. We already know about The Married Man Fuckboy, The Convenience Fuckboy, The Zero Fucks Fuckboy, and last and most certainly least, The Back and Forth Fuckboy... but drumroll please... here are the 2018 Fuckboys.

1) The Girlfriend Experience Fuckboy

This one is ALMOST fucking harmless. Almost. He is the guy that says all the right things when you are together - "I think you are so great," "Tell me about YOUR day," "What do you want to do tonight?" You may even think you are in a relationship with this Rico Suave Motherfucker, because he says things like, "I am not seeing anyone else, just you," or things of that nature. You may even deign to have him meet your friends, talk about him like he is your boyfriend, exchange gifts during holidays, birthdays, etc. Seems like you two are well on the way to Relationshipville, aboard the Pound Town Express! He will cook you dinner, take you out, and might even introduce you to his friends, should you run into them when you are on the stroll. But here's the catch, Sugar Tits -  how does he introduce you? "Oh, this is MAH FREN Bitsy."  And before you can even swivel your head in disbelief, you have learned all that you need to know about this Fuckboy. He wants the trappings of the Girlfriend, without ever bestowing that oh, so coveted title upon your sweet head. Let me guess his reasoning. Could it be he is just not ready for a relationship? Yeah, sure, ok. Maybe, and here is my fucking favorite. He doesn't like labels. But he sure does love fucking you 17 ways to Sunday and buying you Tequila shots til your panties slide off like they were made of the same shit as fruit roll-ups. Before you next let him plunder your sticky-bun of fun, axe yourself if you are ok being a (girl)friend with benefits without the actual title of Girlfriend. If not, MOVE IT THE FUCK ALONG. Especially before you get so deep (and not the kind that puts your butt to sleep) that you develop actual feelings because you put your heart in the part of a part that spreads apart. 2018, boo. 20 motherfucking 18. We can say who, we can say when, and we for damn sure can say how much.

2) The Submarine Fuckboy

Now, now, you dirty bitches, don't think that the name of this Fuckboy has anything to do with his wang. This is not because he has a footlong-schlong and smashes your cervix like mashed potatoes. No, this particular Fuckboy earned his moniker from his ability sink deep (still not talking about fucking, ya whores. Jesus, buy some fucking dildos or something, you cock-hungry sluts) and then rise up fast enough for you to catch a glimpse of the periscope (just stop, hoochies) before submerging again for an indeterminate time. You meet a guy, you think he is cool, he thinks you want to smash (you do, shut it) but you also want to see about breakfast, cus you are a lady, goddamnit. So you all hang out a few times, and things seem to be going really well. He calls/texts the standard issue amount of times for you both to think the other is interested in this being more than a booty call, and then suddenly, the submarine submerges. And not into you, but to the depths of the ocean floor. So you, gentle flower, say to yourself, "Self, I think I just got ghosted. Oh, fucking well, plenty of chum in the ocean," and you start moving the fuck on with your life. But, wait! UP PERISCOPE! The submarine Fuckboy has surfaced again and is ready to start exploring your ocean again. Before you let him dive for your pearl, figure out if you want this so-so kind of lover. If not, see above.

3) The Fixer Upper Fuck Boy

This one is the female equivalent of when a guy is dating a girl and he is acting all "Captain Save a Hoe." You can't fix stupid, lazy, cheap, etc. And this Fuckboy knows he's a Fuckboy, but he is in for the swag. When a girl gets her titties-a-tingling, thinking "I can help him," she done made her first fatal fucking error. This guys knows exactly what the fuck his end game is, and it is "get mines, til I can't and then move the fuck along." He comes at you from a position of  'weakness' but is really using that to his advantage. Down on his luck cus he lost his job/apartment/got dumped by his ratchet ass ex girlfriend (and it was totally her fault because she was CRAZY)? Oh, of course you will buy him some shit, help him get back on his feet, let him crash at your place til he gets his life sorted out, and put the pieces of his sad sack life in order. This motherfucker probably doesn't even NEED you to do this, but maybe has some latent Mommy-Issues where he needs a woman to take care of him, even though he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He preys on a woman's nurturing nature, probably even sucking dem titties like a baby (and if that is what you are into, good on you, I don't judge peoples sexy time things). This Fuckboy also typically has something called hand-to-pocket disease. You can do a quick little test that doesn't even involve sticking a Q-tip in his pee-hole. Simply don't reach for the check the next time y'all are out for dranks, dinner, looking at titties, whatever. Leave your wallet at home. If this fixer-up Fuckboy doesn't try to pay for something at least this one time, he's not in it for you, he is in it for what you CAN do. He ain't JFK either, so he does not need to be asking what you can do for your country (him). Tooooooderooooooo, Motherfucker. And make sure this ass-hat didn't steal your cash or your credit cards on the way out the door.

4) The Classic Fuckboy

I know, I know, people are all like, ''Dis Bitch H-Bomb don't think we know how to spot the OG Fuckboy?'" You know how I know you don't know? BECAUSE Y'ALL ARE STILL FUCKING WITH FUCKBOYS. Even me. There, I said it. Since I wrote my first Fuckboy Fiesta, I too have fell victim to the wily ways of the Fuckboy. I know, y'all are saying, ''What the shit, H-Bomb, you were better than that.'' And I thought I  was. But getting dicked down feels SO good and even I am prone to getting dickmatized. So, I must warn all my buttercups (D-Cups make me happy, btw, send nudes) be on the lookout for all the Fuckboys, doing Fuckboy things, like blowing your back out then calling you an Uber because your dumb ass answered the WYD text at 12:40 am, when you know damn well your kids had school in the morning. Or, inviting you out to dinner and being on their phone the whole time ON TINDER. Fuck that noise. And if a guy won't claim you after he claimed your butt-hole, then tell him fuck outta here with that Fuckboy bullshit. If you want to keep telling yourself it's just sex, and it is ok if he is a Fuckboy, then I don't want to hear your shit when he says, "I just saw this" and but had that shit on read for 4 hours. Naw bitch, that ain't us.

With all these new variations of Fuckboy's popping up like a damn game of whack-a-mole, I used to feel like maybe I could rise above, be smarter, be better, DO BETTER. Nah, fuck that shit. I like getting my kitty petted like the next girl and I like riding the PTE all the way to O-Face Town. So if you can't beat them (and no, I am not saying catch a case dear hearts, most of us are too pretty for prison and we all know I will get traded for a menthol ciggy about 5 minutes into my stay at the Graybar Hotel) then join them.

LETS MAKE 2018 THE YEAR OF THE FUCKGIRL. THEY CAN'T BE A FUCKBOY, IF YOU A FUCKGIRL FIRST.

BOY BYE. 

What The Fuck Were You Thinking When You Got Dressed This Morning: RompHims

"It's fashion, look it up."

- Random Dude

"The ‘Male Romper’ Is Offensive Because Rompers Should Be Gender-Neutral"

- HuffPo

Man, y'all need to STFU. Thankfully, the meow meow of the RompHim has died down, but I have been following this trend and became somewhat obsessed with the memes because of how silly this shit is. And I love silly shit. For reals. This was a few days of pure fucking comedy gold. But seriously, dudes need to leave their girl's rompers on the floors and at the racks of Target, where they belong. 

If you are going to call me a sexist, hater, or what the fuck ever your candy ass wants to call me, go for it. I don't give a fuck. But let me tell you what most non-millennial-bunny-hugging-everyone-gets-a-trophy-did-you-just-assume-my-gender people think about the RompHim.

That. Shit. Is. RI-GODDAMN-DICULOUS.

I am ALL for breaking the glass ceiling and challenging gender norms and stereotypes. Girls want to work in male dominated industries? DO THAT SHIT. Little boys want to play with dolls? Fuck, yes. I will buy you the prettiest Barbie in the goddamn bunch. Do my 30 somethings (and up) remember in the 90's when there was a runway show and some super hot male model was wearing a leather skirt and a mesh top? That shit made me tingle in the bathing suit area. And do I need to say anymore about gender-fluid Ruby Rose? I didn't think so. Take a fucking seat.

But a Male Romper, AKA RompHim? Pass me my bag of nopes because imma need all of them shits today. The RompHim being 10lbs of "fuck no" in a 5lb bag is just that for one very simple reason:

Kibbles and Bits.

I will take, "What are things I do not want to see hanging out of your shorts, for a 1000, Alex."

No, good sir, I do not want to see your saggy ass, turkey gobble, hanging out from your floral RompHim. I just fucking don't. I don't want to see it in your house, I do not want see it with a mouse. I do not want see your sack, I do not want to see your crack. I do not want to see your junk, nor will it make me want to swallow your spunk.

For me, and most of my fellow ladies (and probably lots of men, too, because equality motherfuckers), it is about aesthetics. And TBH, your biscuits and baby-gravy-maker are NOT that good looking. Don't get me wrong. I love the cock. Love it. Love a good looking cock and appreciate all the joy that a fuckstick can bring. But, not all cocks are pretty - some look like someone smashed their man-meat with a meat tenderizer and then used a band-aid of hot coals and broken glass to attend to the wounds. And those would be the first fuckers rocking a RompHim, twigs and berries just flapping in the breeze. Yeah...NO. 

Now, imagine if girls started walking around with their Mud Flaps hanging out, looking like Dumbo's ears when he learns to fly...you wanna see that shit? Cus I don't. And sit down, you pussy pervs who do. I know one of you sick fucks does want to see that, but you are the exception, not the rule. Samesies when it comes to beanbags hanging out of RompHims. Ya dig?

I am glad to see, that much like my virginity in high school, this was a fleeting trend. I hope to God I don't see dudes wearing the equivalent of high-waisted shorts for girls, because just like I want to do when I see that shit, imma hand you some Vagisil for your hot-pocket, because you are one more muggy day away from getting coochie cheese all over your shorty-shorts. 

BOY BYE. 

H-Bomb

Advice Column: Here's To You, Miss Robinson!

Dear Ghetto Genius, 

I am a divorced 32 year old mother of two. I am infatuated with the 18 year old maintenance man's son. I am not looking to find my kids a daddy or myself a husband. I just want to have some fun. My question is; is it wrong for a 32 soon to be 33 year old woman to sleep with an 18 year old man?? 



Dear Ain't Nobody got Time for a Salutation,

Hi, I am H-Bomb. How the fuck are you doing? Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let's fucking do this shit.

I know, I know, y'all haven't heard from me in a hot minute. I may have even become fodder for a game of dead, jail, or rehab. Alas, my hiatus was nothing more than life getting in the way of fuckery, but I got that shit on lock and 'ol H-Bomb is about to start kicking it old school and wrecking shit on all your issues. And I know you motherfuckers got issues. I read the comments. I seent it.

So, little miss Cougar Tits got her honkers in a bind, cus she wants to fuck on the no-no bits of the maintenance man's son, aka, the gardener's boy. Cliche as fuck, sure. But, the truth of the matter is bitches need dick or bitches go cray. It's an irrefutable fact that I can back up with 100% certainty, as a bitch who goes cray when she doesn't get the dick.

You got 2 kids and the wrong kind of Big D? Someone get this woman some good dick, stat, before she loses her goddamn mind and becomes another statistic of a suburban ex-housewife gone butt-booty-crazy. How, pray tell, would I know you are the Mayoress of Suburbia and the Princess of The PTA? Cus I am a motherfucking snoop, yo. No, not Snoop Doggy Dogg; but I am nosy as fuck and I like to do my research on the magical internets.

See, when you send ya boy an email and he forwards it to me with his usual, "Yooooooooooooo, this is you, bitch. Put your scotch down and handle this," I see your email address and sometimes even your name. Quick search on FaceBook, in between my usual CornHub (did you see that shit on April Fool's Day? HILARIOUS) and online shopping nonsense, and I found you, saw some pics and got a feel for who the fuck this Cougar of the Cul De Sac really is. Guess what PumaPuss? You are not too shabby! I would knock the dust off your beaver, if you ever wanted to swing that way. Don't worry, 1 year away from To Catch A Predator, I am not going to divulge your identity. Your secret is safe with me, Ivanna Humpalot. But, on the reals, you are a hot piece of ass and I think you have a chance of riding the Pound Town Express all the way to Cougartown!

To be a Cougar or not to be Cougar? That is the question.

Be. A. Fucking. Cougar.

I know, I shocked the shit out of everyone with that answer. On the reals though, get yours. Get it in a house. Get it with a mouse. Get it in your box. Get it with the young Fox. You say he is the maintenance man's son? Sounds like he knows how to handle a hoe, then. Like Ghandi said, "Be the Hoe you want to see in the world."

Ghandi, Ron Jeremy, whatever. Don't let his age get to you either, Beaverella. If he is old enough to serve our great country, he is old enough to serve that fine coochie. Old enough to set the table, old enough to cum to dinner. And on dinner. And in her. I hope at this point I have made it abundantly clear: Fuck bitches, get youngins! Just remember to wrap before you slap, lest he has the clap. This is not the 80s and STD's are for teens humping in cars and old people fucking in the nursing home. Clap on, Clap off. No Clappers!!!

"BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT?" I know sweet tits, you are mom and a fine, upstanding, pillar of the community who wants to see some 18 year old's 'pillar of the community.' It's a risk, and the other PTA Putas could be find out you are a harlot who wants to get her cookie eaten like the last supper. I get it. I too have to live a double life; that of a person who is respected in the community and deals with fancy fucks all day long, but also longs to get filled out like an application by the pool boy. The older/younger fantasy works for like 99.9% of the free world. Every woman has lusted after some young stud, and every dirty old man, is well, a dirty old man. Deal with it. And if someone has some shit to say to you about getting your o-glow from the barely legal boy, please direct them to this link: 

Flash Furniture

Then, buy them this chair and tell them to take a fucking seat, shut the fuck up, and if they want to stay and watch you hump your hottie, to pop some popcorn and enjoy the show! You good? Yeah, I think we are done here.

This shit is waaaay too easy,

H-Bomb

Advice Column: I Don't See Nothin' Wrong...With A Little Bumpin' Uglies

Dear Ghetto Genius,

I'll be straight up and to the point...my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month and we're both into one another. I can see myself with this man and I hope he can see himself with me. The one thing that is causing a little bump in the road is that when it comes to sex, it's mind blowing but, I think we're both insecure about what's down there. See, I guess you can say what you'd like to call "roast beef" and his penis resembles that of a banana or coat hanger. I think when we first gave oral, it was a big turn-off for both of us but not even til this day, has either one of us voiced our concern over it. It's just weird sucking him off with his thing looking like that and I'm almost positive he doesn't like all the extra vagina I bring to the table. LOL. 

It's so bad we always have sex with the lights off and when it's the day time, we ALWAYS do it doggy. 

Am I just over concerned or in your experience is this a problem? I don't know how to bring it up but I know something is up.

HELP!

BTW, love your podcast and glad you're doing new things. 

Love, 

All meat and no pleasure

Dear All Meat And No Pleasure,

What in the ungodly fuck did I just fucking read right now?!

Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Here we go...here we fucking goooooooooo!!!!!

For years, there are two things I've made certain: 

1) Vaginas are not fucking pretty.

2) Penises are just as fucking ugly.

Those are facts. You know it. I know it. The whole WORLD fucking knows it.

Now, for every ugly penis and vagina, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. What's that light you might ask? Say it with me...

S-E-X

S-E-XXXXXX

SSSSSSEXXXXXXXXX

SSSSSSSSSSEXXXXXXXX

It's sex, motherfucker. 

Sex makes the world go round. So does oral. But in you and your man's case, that shit is non-fucking-existent. Real talk.

Whether your pussy is shaped like a pitchers mound or a head-on collision you can't look away from, fact of the matter is, that is fucking life. Sometimes God blesses a motherfucker with ugly ass junk. It could be worse, right? I mean, you could have an Arby's twat that smells like a landfill of human waste and he could have a banana/coat hanger penis the size of a mature field mouse. Beggars can't be choosers. You get what you get, unless you say, "fuck it," and move on to something bigger and better. However, what's the next guy or gal gonna say when they see the Gremlin in your fucking pants? If I were you, I'd embrace that shit, and get the fuck over it.

No man, I know, ever said, "Yeah, can you give me less meat on that sandwich?" Fuck no and fuck that. What does extra meat on a sandwich have to do with the extra vagina lips you're packing? Dudes don't give a fuck. Unless your shit got warts, got enough yeast to fill a bakery or smells like that of the Holocaust (settle down you sensitive fucks), then dudes could give a shit what your pussy looks like. Will it be a mouthful when he goes down there? Sure as shit it will. But like every man who has put too much food on his plate, he finds a way to conquer the mission. Maybe he hasn't thought it through because to him he might be like, "Damn, this bitch got layers of pussy and I don't even know if she can feel my tongue on it." Or, "Damn Daniel, this bitch got like 5 clits...do I aim for the one in the middle?"

On the flip side, you have the issue of sucking dick sideways. It's like you're doing neck exercises with your head on a swivel. Why? Because no dick should look like that. But like I said, it could be worse. He could be hung like a toddler with balls that have a better chance of fucking you better.

Get over it sweetheart. Chicks either love sucking dick or they don't. There's no in-between. I don't think I've ever met a woman who said, "Eh. I only like sucking dick IF..." Or, "I only suck white and black dicks. I jerk off all other races." Nah bitch, you either love the dick in your mouth all day, every day, or you don't. The shit could look like it went to a goddamn yoga retreat, if it's a dick, and you like sucking it, what the fuck does it matter?

Now that we got those issues and concerns out of the way, how do we face the problem? It's simple. Talk to one another, motherfuckers. You know what that is, right? It's where two people interact and have a conversation. It's quite awesome once you do it.

This is what bugs the shit out of me nowadays. Couples don't talk. They assume.

FACT: ASSUMPTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK UPS.

Don't be an assumer (Is this even a fucking word? It is now.).

Y'all need to sack the fuck up, sit each others asses down and say, "Yo, I dig the fuck out of you, but something is up when we get busy fucking. Lights are always off after sunset. I never see your face in the day time. Do you dislike my buffet of pussy meat? Because your dick looks like it got warped from staying out in the sun too long." Straight up. Be honest. Communicate. Listen to what the fuck each of you has to say.

Too many times a lack of communication and assumption ruins relationships. Especially ones where no REAL issues were even present. I mean, if what your pussy and cock looks like is consider a huge issue, then y'all motherfuckers need help.

Pussy is pussy and dick is dick. It's how you find a work-around that will make things better.

Embrace what your dude is packing. Sure it looks like a slinky going down a flight of stairs, embrace that shit so the next time you suck his cock, pretend your mouth is on a roller coaster ride.

As for him when he goes down to eat you out...

Be creative. Put a Dutch Crunch loaf of bread by your thighs along with some lettuce, tomato, mustard and an assortment of cheeses so he can make himself a sandwich. I mean shit, you got enough meat to get off and feed a brother...am I right? He might be weirded the fuck out BUT tell me he won't remember that shit and embrace the fuck out of you?

Again, it could be way fucking worse.

You know shit is fucked up when you're so self conscious that you can't even fuck with the lights on and stare at a wall while getting fucked during the day.

They don't even do that in porns.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Life will come at you with curve balls. In your case, 4 extra pounds of beef jerky and a Nike swoosh for a penis.

Just do it.

Like the slogan.

Genius Out,

J-Wun

Advice Column: Ummm...That's Not Like Athlete's Foot

Dear Ghetto Genius,

I can't believe I'm writing to you about this but who better to answer my question than the man who tells it like it is! Huge fan and thank you for the constant laughs. You make my day literally every day. I can't even sometimes. So to my question or should I even say problem...

So I was recently in Vegas last weekend and met this hot guy. We had drinks, hung out all night and ended up doing it in the bathroom. As you can probably imagine, the bathroom was probably not the best place to have unprotected sex for the first time but it is what it is. 

Any way, a few days after our little sexcapade (thanks for the word, btw), I felt something weird when I went to go pee and ended up with some gnarly rash. 

I have no idea what to do and think it's because we were in an unsanitary bathroom. I'm not saying you've had my symptoms from fucking tons of chicks in bathrooms, but if you have, is this what you experienced. 

I have a doctor's appointment next week and told the nurse I think it's like some sort of athlete's foot. 

Please don't think less of me but give it to me straight since you're cool like that. 

You're the best,
What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me



Dear What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me,

You got that fucking right! And for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

You were in Vegas, met a guy, fucked him in a bathroom, then a few days later, shot flames out of your vagina and also got a rash...and you think it was because you fucked in an unsanitary bathroom???

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE!

DID YOU JUST TURN 21?

Did you fail Sex Ed?

Are you fucking retarded or deaf?

This is a joke, right? Where is Ashton Kutcher because I think I've just been Punk'd.

Lord, for someone who grew up Catholic but has failed to go to church the last 15+ years, please pray for this fucking girl because she needs Jesus. As much Jesus as she can get. Amen.

Sorry to break this to you, sweet heart, but in no way, shape or form does your bitch ass have any kind of athlete's foot. Shit, you don't even have a form of a staph infection.

What you have Whorey Holly, is a motherfucking STD. You heard that right.

S-T-D.

SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED

DISEASE

VAGINA CHEESE

A HUMAN FLAMETHROWER

A FIREY PIT OF HELL

AN EXPIRED GHOST PEPPER

And of all places of contracting it...it was in motherfucking LAS VEGAS! Hahaha! Are you shitting me right now, people?!

Here's the other kicker, not only were you in Vegas BUT, you were probably there during the Syphilis outbreak going on right now.

Don't believe me? Check it here:

Syphilis Outbreak Plaguing Vegas

Now, I don't know how to say this but, you have got to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on this planet to think you got those symptoms from boning in a bathroom. Unless a bunch of naked and filthy homeless people had an orgy in that same bathroom, 5 minutes prior to you and hot guy going in there, and those same homeless people being butt ass naked blowing loads everywhere, beyond the eye can see, then rubbing their feet, anuses and every body part on every inch of that stall, then MAYBE I'd say, "Ok, maybe that's why." But guess what? It ain't. You fucked a dude who currently has something and did his good deed in passing it on to you. Was it a dick move on his part if that is the case? Absolutely. However, are you the total dumbfuck to actually bang a dude who you've known for 1 hour and 3 minutes because he was hot and bought you a $27 cosmo? I'm pretty sure that is a YES. Oh, and to dig a little more into that wound you're bleeding so much out of, were you dumb as shit to fuck him in a bathroom and let him go raw dog on you? Survey says...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

Let's not get it twisted, I'm a sucker for going raw dog. It's how I roll. On the same token, at least I pick and choose who I want to go raw dog with. Now, a majority of women would at least say something...anything...to the extent before fucking a guy. For example:

1) Do you have a condom?
2) Are you seeing anyone?
3) Are you clean?
4) Do you have a condom?
5) Are you clean?
6) Wanna grab a pizza later?
7) Do you have a condom?
8) Are you clean?

See where this is going?

But let me guess...you were "in the moment". Or ,"I wasn't expecting it to be like this". Better yet..."I was drunk...I wasn't all there when it all happened so fast." Am I getting hotter like the pee you're slanging out of your vagina?

I, my friend, have done my very fair share of fucking random broads in Vegas. How-the-fuck-ever, every time I did, with exception to this one time (because I was drunk and she claimed she was a Mormon...stop judging), I ALWAYS used a condom. Better yet, these chicks I banged, all had one in their purse like it was a goddamn breath mint. Whores. BUT, very smart and safe whores.

Form of athlete's foot? Bitch, this wasn't like you were on your dorm floor heading to the showers one day and while you were in there, realized you forgot your fucking shower shoes and actually got athlete's foot or some sort of fucked up fungus growing on one of your limbs. Nice try though. SMH.

There are no words of advice other than, you need to stop watching the fucking Kardashians and open up a book once in a goddamn while. Go see your doctor, have them prescribe you some meds so you stop having to pee in open areas so you don't burn anything down. Oh, I would also suggest, if you have that hot guy's number, to make sure he knows what he gave you. I'm pretty sure he knows but it's always nice to remind greedy ass dudes who just care about the pussy. Lastly, go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of condoms and anything that a gun can't even penetrate through. It is your kind that is fucking up our universe because you want to do adult things but are too stupid to know what the fuck to do when you get hit with adult consequences.

Take care of your flamethrower and chill out on the dick for awhile. I don't know what it is to have a rash, whatever the fuck else and shoot stars out of your vagina...but I'm sure it ain't comfortable one bit.

Good luck and remember to consult an adult when trying to make adult decisions.

I'm out,

J-Wun

Advice Column: Being A Freak Is Earned, Not Given

Dear J-Wunder,

Big fan and was excited to write you. Ok, now for my question -  so I love having sex with my boyfriend and one thing that I fantasize about is him talking dirty to me since I'm a freak. One night, when we were a little tipsy, we start to get it on and while he's fucking me, I tell him to talk really dirty to me and say whatever comes to mind. Just some really dirty and freaky stuff.

Right after I said that, he goes and calls me "his dirty whore" who is a "sexy fucking slut". That wasn't that bad so I tell him to keep going as I'm about to climax. He then goes on to tell me how he wants to put his finger in my ass (so I let him) then to top it off, he shouts out how he wants to fuck me and my sister and cum all over our faces. At first I became super turned on and came, then all of the sudden I started crying while he finished off all over my tits. 

I'm pretty upset and not sure what to think. Did he take it too far when he said that? I asked him if he meant it and he avoids the question. Am I overthinking this? Do you think he wants to fuck my sister? Do you think my sister wants to fuck him? They've always been flirty and I've thought nothing of it but now, I'm thinking he really has something for her.

Your honesty is appreciated. 

P.S. - I just bought your book and excited to read it. 

Love,
Dirty Bird


Dear Dirty Bird,

What is it with some of you guys/gals who want to act like a fucking freak then all of the sudden, get mad when shit goes too far?

Tell me what REAL freak says to someone, "Hey man, you took that shit beyond what the fuck I was thinking! Why you gotta be like that, asshole?!" Not any REAL freak I know.

I'll be honest with all you folks reading this, I'm a freak. Well, at least I thought I was a REAL freak. I love to fuck bitches and any fan who has been following me, knows that. Now, during the time I declared myself a freak in the sheets, I was tested by a woman who I thought was a freak like yours truly.

Then shit got mad real. Side note: for those who haven't read my book, here is an excerpt about this one freak who laid it one me like the crazy bitch she was...

From "Wait...What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius - Top 5 Baddest Bitches In Bed":

#3: The Quiet One

I've always said, "The quiet ones, are the wild ones." She was an accountant for Ernst & Young. Fine. Flavorful. Blonde. Reserved. Didn't say much when I met her. Then we went out for drinks. What I thought was going to be a night of intellectual conversation about books, mathematical equations, books on boring shit and astronomical stuff that makes my dick soft, the tables turned. She invited me back to her place. Told me to go to her room, take my clothes off and lay on the bed. Your wish is my command. 10 minutes later, a woman in leather walks in. With handcuffs, a whip and a paddle. Question for you fellas: You ever have to beg for your life during foreplay? And when I say beg, I mean like, a cry for help? Call motherfucking 9-1-1?! That was me after 20 minutes. One of the top 3 best fucking blowjobs of all-time with a reverse cowgirl that would make any dude cum within half a dick pump. Real talk. This bitch was bad. I'm talking unreal bad as in, fucking good. She knew what a dude wanted and gave that shit to him like 12 dudes going Bukaki on that poor little Asian chick in them crazy fucked up fetish porns. But all that shit came to a screeching fucking halt when she thought it would be fun to pull out her paddle and whack my goddamn yambag. Do you know what it fucking feels like to get fucking paddled in your nuts? I would say, it would probably feel like if someone took a frozen paint ball and shot that shit at your dick, then laughed as you cried. That was this bitch...punishing the shit out of me and thinking it was funny. And since I love all you motherfuckers, I'm gonna be honest, I was so scared of this broad I kicked that bitch in the face. BOOM! Then, for good measure, I took her nifty ass paddle and paddled not 1, but 2...yes, two fucking titties. Who's laughing now, cunt? I ain't gonna lie, I thought I killed her from the fucking impact, so I left her 7 dollars, took my clothes and ran out that motherfucking town house like I just went home invasion in that bitch. Quit laughing.

Now, at this moment in time, I was ready. Well, at least I thought I was ready. I love challenges. I also love to do things that turn women on. But this...this was some next level shit I wasn't ready for. I mean, I got paddled in my fucking balls, people. This bitch was coming from down under and whacking my shit like Dolores Claiborne. I'm talking some real abusive shit. Shit that makes grown people cry. Was it fucked up what I did to her upon my escape when I kicked her in the face and whacked both them titties? I would say yes but the part that was never told was that this bitch LOVED IT! Yeah, she loved getting hit back. Like, some real, family Thanksgiving type violence and shit. If I stayed any longer, she probably would have asked me to stab her in the kidney and drink her fucking blood then spit it on her face. No joke people. This bitch scared me the fuck straight. 

And here I was thinking, "J-Wunder a freak. I like to put it  in the butt. I'm the man. I bite titties." Nah, y'all. That's some intermediate shit. This bitch was a 5-time World Champion in fucking and freaky stuff. I'm talking she made Mister Miyagi her bitch. I was below her. WAAAAAY below her. Why? Because I thought I could handle being a freak. 

NEWSFLASH: Tickling balloon knots and biting a piece of pussy is child's play compared to what real freaks want. 

And you, you're mad because your boyfriend said some shit about wanting to fuck you and your sister and blowing his fat wad on your faces? Sweetheart, you're lucky this dude didn't fuck you in the ass, Donkey Punch you, then lay you on your back then shit on your chest and give you the Chili Dog. Because if anything, that's what you should be mad about. 

First off, like me, you put yourself in a situation that what you thought you knew, you didn't know shit. What do you expect dirty talk to be? Motherfuckers talking about rolling around in mud then taking their clothes to the goddamn laundry mat? Nah, bitch. Dirty talk is some fucked up shit. It's some shit that when you say it, God immediately has you on the first bus to hell. What you were thinking, he obviously wasn't thinking but can you blame him? Freaky to him may not be the same as freaky to you. And honestly, talking dirty isn't even freaky. It's just some weird shit you get to say because you watched it in a porno and it's the best time to say it under the circumstances of fucking. See where this is going?

Could it be possible he does want to fuck your sister and vice-versa? Yeah, possibly. But until you actually see it happen or there is more of a hint then elementary flirting, why be mad? You said, "Talk dirty to me" and this motherfucker came up with his best idea of dirty...which involved you and a family member and his 1 million children all over your faces. Give him an "A" for effort and let that shit go. Not worth your time or the argument. Now, if something does end up happening, come back to me and we can re-evaluate what the fuck is going on. 

Sometimes we say shit because we either freak out, we're not sure what to say, or assume what we're about to say is the right thing. Dude shot 75% on things you liked. That's better than what you might have been thinking. 

Calm your tits and give him a free pass because next time, you might be better prepared. 

Now go have sex and say some dirty shit to him. It might make you feel better.

Godspeed,

Ghetto Genius 

Social Networking: Your #1 Source Of Sensitive Bitches

Social Networking is one of the most powerful things in our world today. Think about it. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, individuals can connect with one another by logging onto Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, even motherfucking MySpace and communicate whatever the fuck they want...all within a click of a button. Mind blowing, isn't it?

I've been blogging and doing the Social Networking thing for almost 6 years now. And in that time, I've been fortunate enough to have a limited amount of negativity come through each post and feed. How-the-fuck-ever, it seems the longer I've been doing this, the more and more I'm noticing how individuals are becoming a bunch of fucking pussies because all of the sudden, they've become sensitive to what is being posted.

If you're offended by this, I'm talking to you Monkey Mouth Bitches who need to find a fucking job and/or hobby.

It is a damn shame how society has become sensitive to EVERYTHING.

When I say everything, I mean, EVERYTHING.

If these pussies aren't crying about some meme, it's a status someone posted. If it's not a status, it's a fucking video. And if it's not a video, it's some bullshit that comes out of nowhere that doesn't sit well with them.

NEWSFLASH:

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

You want to know what's wrong with people that post whatever the fuck they want? It's the sensitive ass motherfuckers who bitch, moan and cry about it because they have nothing better to do. Don't blame this shit on the person who is posting whatever the fuck they want. Why are you mad or upset at them or what they post? Oh, let me guess...because you have sand in your vagina? Maybe you have nothing better to do than nitpick at all the shit you hate about life? Wait...wait...maybe it's because you're just a dumb fuck who never was hugged enough by anyone? Am I getting warm?

To all you sensitive ass pussies out there, let me break it down for you so you understand why we despise and dislike a majority of you...

If you don't like something, why the fuck are you friends with that person? Why are you following that certain page?

Do you think the world revolves around what the fuck you like and what makes you laugh? I sure hope not because if that's the case, do us all a favor and go find the highest mountain and jump off that motherfucker, motherfucker.

All you bitch made ass individuals who don't like something, here's something that works so you don't get all worked up and report it to the Social Networking Police:

IGNORE IT.

You don't like something? Ignore it, motherfucker.

Move on with your life.

Why?

Because every motherfucker who takes a post for what it is, has moved on before you even logged on to see the post that made you state your case on why you're such a whiny little bitch.

That post is racist? Did it ever occur to you, that almost every motherfucker in our world is racist? Now, I'm not talking KKK racists, I'm talking about how we say shit (maybe not in public) that we don't mean, but is racist.

For example, bad drivers...who are the first people you think of? You guessed it...Asians. Shake your heads all you want, I know 98% of you either said some shit about Asians being bad drivers or at least thought about it. But do we all laugh about it? Fuck yes we do. Well, at least the ones who know it's a joke and not a fucking dick because they aren't taking it so hard.

Black people. Yup, they love chicken, watermelon and malt liquor. Guess what? I too like chicken, watermelon and malt liquor. Does that make me black? Does that mean the world is gonna fucking end with a Civil War and riots? No you dumb shit. Let me guess though...I now hate black people, right?

White people. They love Nutella, wear Uggs and probably make Wonder Bread want to turn brown. Why so fucking butt hurt? Oh, let me guess, because you're white and the quota of white jokes should have stopped at the first meme with the dad wearing Crocs telling Buford how he loved Tom Jones, huh?

Mexicans. They are notorious for being some of the best landscapers on earth. Why? Because they are. And guess what? No motherfucker is gonna argue about Roberto fucking up your property...LIKE A BOSS...because if you did it, it would look like a goddamn war zone that someone shit on.

Do you see where this is going you sensitive ass bitches?

That's the problem with some people that are members to these networks...they don't know how to fucking laugh at a joke. You think the bubble you live in is the real world? Fuck no it ain't. You are just a stupid fucking individual who doesn't know what reality is. See, I post shit because it's funny and every one of my fans can relate to it. Whether it be about every race in the world or me making fun of myself, my following knows how it goes down. That's why I've been doing this for so long and my following has stayed with me since day 1. Because they aren't a bunch of punk ass marks who think it's ok to laugh at this, but not ok to laugh at that.

However, I do have those cunts who show up and want to cry about whatever I post...reasons stated above. For that, I just say, "Well bitch, you followed me, I have no fucking clue who you are, nor do I give a fuck. Thanks for following. The unfollow button is to your upper right."

That's the difference between people who get it and people who don't.

The people who get it, they have a good life. They like something they see, they "like" it, leave a comment and move the fuck on with their lives. The ones who are outraged, well, we know where this is going. Let's not even give them the time to explain since the ones reading this are like, "Don't even say it J...I know, bruh. I know."

It's like those who post all this political shit that I see on my NewsFeed. I'll be honest, I could give a fuck about talking about religion and politics. Why? Because at the end of the day, we're all gonna agree to disagree. I think there are more motherfuckers out there with no education (especially with no college degrees) who think they know more about politics than actual politicians. That's why I ignore every fucking posts that has to do with politics because in my heart, I know my friend that just posted that, is one of the dumbest motherfuckers I've ever met AND just because they read some shit from CNN or Fox News, they are all of the sudden, an EXPERT.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

If I don't like something, I ignore it. That's the beauty of Facebook and all these other fucking networks...you are free to say and post whatever the fuck you want. So why be a bitch ass cunt and show the world why you don't agree with what is posted? Oh, because it's your right, right? Personally, I think you can take your right and shove it right up your ass and leave it there til someone cares. That's just me personally.

Whatever happened to when EVERYONE just laughed at shit?

Now, everyone is sensitive, a racists, a cop killer, blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

The people, like myself, who have a purpose to want to make people laugh aren't the problem with Social Networks. The problem are the motherfuckers who claim we're the problem.

Hater Nation, do us all a favor and be a behind closed doors hater. No one gives a flying fuck what you think. All you do is take up meaningless space when you post a comment then get served by fan faithful like mine to bring your bitch ass back to reality.

Our society needs to go back to laughing and not taking shit so goddamn seriously. It's these sensitive folks who are ruining a good thing and that my friends, is not fucking cool.

But hey, who am I to say what's good for people, right? I mean, I'm a racist, awful, human being who just wants to make the world laugh...one post at a time.