Graph Expo (Chicago), October 2002. First job out of college as a sales rep for a 17 billion dollar company. Here I am at the biggest printing trade show platform in North America, ready to take on every business owner known to man. 22 years old and all I want to do is be that guy...the one that surprises all those "mentors" who could really give a shit about the kid out of college. First order of business, take care of those clients that are willing to spend the dough. One thing everyone needs to know about this company is that every rep needs to do whatever it takes to get these clients reeled in - dinners, drinks, gifts, blah, blah, blah..ENTERTAINMENT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME. And for me, the company that resides in Los Angeles (my territory), wanted exactly that.
The trade show ends on day one and almost every rep has plans with different clientele. Luckily for me, my GM asked if I could entertain some guests as a good "first time to get my cherry popped" experience in the world of sales. How hard could it be, right? Take some guys out to dinner and drinks and call it a night and be ready for our morning meeting at 7am the next day. This didn't go according to plan...
One thing I realized was that when you have a group of men that have been married for years, kids in high school and get the opportunity to leave all that for 5 days for free food, booze and entertainment...they are gonna run with it! FOR ALL 5 FUCKING DAYS!!!! For them, it's like a bachelor party without the bachelor and Las Vegas present. Instead of writing massive amounts of lines, let me draw out what our itinerary was like:
7pm - Drinks at the hotel bar (Sky Bar at the W Hotel is the bomb)...3-4 drinks
8:30pm - Another bar down Rush and Division...roughly 3-5 drinks. We're feeling saucy and at this point, business talk has been thrown out the fucking window and now topics include, sports, next bar to hit and possible strip clubs.
10pm - Pit stop at the Excalibur (don't worry, we didn't fly to Vegas and this isn't a strip joint). Low and behold, we're at a party thrown by my company's lovely competitor. They have no fucking clue who I am...I'm the recent college grad, remember? Free drinks for me and my clients = edge of blacking out!
1am - Guess what folks, we're still drinking for free!
3am - Blacking out is almost near...
5am - Shit faced, about to throw up and my generous hospitality gets a limo for me and my guests back to the hotel. Let me mention that the hotel was probably only 5 blocks away. My excuse? We couldn't walk to save our lives.
6am - Not really sure what happened between the time we got in the limo and back to the hotel. And I'm not really sure I want to remember...my point is we got back fuckers! Oh, guess who has a meeting in 1 hour? Me! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!
7am - Enter drunk me into a room with 25 other drunk fucks who haven't slept. Thank you Jesus! This ain't so bad afterall...
10am - Meeting and breakfast is over, hit the showroom floor and here comes the fury of, "Holy shit man, I'm either gonna throw up or shit myself." What to do, what to do?
10:45am - Scrambling to the bathroom in this big ass venue. I'm new to everything and have no clue where I'm at because 1) I'm still fucked up, 2) I'm about to puke, 3) Did I say I was still fucked up?
11am - *cue the victory music* Bathroom is found and I run in that mother fucker like Huessin Bolt running his 40 yard dash. No need to barf, just drop my fucking slacks and drop bombs like it's WWII all over again.
Think of every fucking awful noise you could possibly think of and that was me dropping deuce (I know this is TMI but roll with me here folks). I was wrecking that porcelin god like Dirk Diggler destroying a midget in one of those fetish porno's. "What the fuck?!" I look to my right when I grab for some tp. "That's not what I think it is, is it?!" I take a closer look. "Son of a fucking bitch dude! Son of a fucking bitch dude! That is not what I think it is in the men's bathroom!" Guys, I can't believe I'm writing this now that I think about it...if you haven't figured it out, I'll tell you...
While I'm taking this dump that has made me teary eyed and moan like a drowing tiger, I noticed what I thought I would never see...a fucking tampon dispenser. Read that again. A FUCKING TAMPON DISPENSER! I'm still drunk and taking the most atrocious crap in the woman's restroom right now! I put my hands on my head and start to hear voices. That's right, female voices. Big fucking dilemma! Blowing ass violently in a woman's restroom behind door number 1 (that's right, I took the first fucking stall I saw open), isn't gonna be pleasant for the chick who's waiting. "Deep breaths...finish what you got, wipe and just leave as if you don't see anyone." All I had at this point was to try to talk myself through it. "Why the fuck did I drink all that booze and eat those hot wings and artichoke dip last night?!" Time to finish...
I wipe, tuck in my dress shirt, button up and prepare to face the person who's feet I've been looking at while the fury has been shooting out of my anus for the last 10 minutes. The toilet flushes, the door opens...
In front of me stares a very large black woman who has this look...it's not the type of look you would think...it's so bad, there's not even a word to describe it. It's a look worse than if you were to find out your best friend banged your mom or dad. A look worse than if you found out your friend got off watching donkey shows in Tijuana every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It was a look like if you met Satan in a dark alley with your pants down masturbating with a pickle in your mouth while wearing a gold chain with whipped cream smeared around your nipples. That's the only words I could describe this look. I couldn't look down when I opened that door, something told me to look up and deal with it. "That.Is.Disgusting." She muttered those words and all I could do was give her a blank ass stare with a little side smirk. I ran, ran without washing my hands...ran so fast, hoping no other woman could see me leave.
I got my cherry popped alright. Getting my drink on with actual clients and shitting with furious anger and vengeance while getting caught in the women's fucking restroom. FML!
6 comments:
Once again, you have made my life seem not so bad and so fucking boring all at the same time. This made me laugh out loud in the middle of a conversation between my mom, cousin, a friend and myself. I got a look but not that kind of look. I continued to laugh anyway. Thank you for being you and being all you can be!!! Big smooches!!
Shut up! Just shut up. You had me at 'Mud Butt'....you had me at 'Mud Butt'.
I love your sick sick mind, "masturbating with a pickle in your mouth" that's one I haven't heard before and I'm not sure I will ever get it out of my head. Thanks :)
You had me at "First time getting my cherry popped" Every great story in history begins with those infamous and hilarity ensuing words!
Drunk shitting is some serious business. I would have so much sympathy for any poor, inebriated bastard blowing up a toilet in a women's restroom. Hell, I'd probably grab you a water and a sani-wipe for your wrecked asshole (this story is unbelievably hilarious. This made my "amazingly hungover on a Thursday at work" morning).
HAHAHA always a great way to start my morning
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