The Phone Conversation

"If I teach you how to power nap, then you have to teach me how to play chess...and you know what kind I'm talking about. Mmm mmm babe."

"You were so cute at Panda Express yesterday. It just made me want to eat from your mouth."

"I feel like I know a lot about you, but I want to know everything. Babe, c'mon. Babe, I promise, I wouldn't judge you for your past."

"My mom is a little hesitant about meeting you. She thinks you might be gay b/c I told her you wore girl clothes up to when you were 7."

"As much as I love it, please no texting with the words, I love you, girlfriend or babe. I love texting you but we should keep it cool babe. K, babe. Thanks babe."

Right as my IPOD dies out on me, this is some of the conversation I overheard from the chick standing next to me. Where does my flustered ass begin?

For starters, you have said the word "babe" 90 fucking times in 30 seconds. Secondly, the whole Panda Express thing? What the fuck? And what's up with this special game of "chess"? Uh, I'm thinking he's gonna put his Rook in your va-jay jay later?

FYI sweetheart, your so-called "boyfriend"...dude is gay. I got nothing against gay people b/c I have friends and relatives that are part of the gay community. I mean, dude was wearing girl clothes til he was 7. AND, you're hiding him from your parents? Please...I call what you have, DENIAL.

What else? Shit, I don't even know what to say b/c I'm still trying to listen to your conversation as I type this shit out. Do me a huge favor, don't convince yourself you like this guy. Seriously. Please. I'll pay you. Give you the keys to my car. Find you a guy on match.com.

Seriously.