Monday, December 27, 2010

Advice Column: 2-Minute Brotha

Dear J-Wunder,

Every time my girl and I have sex, I can't help but lose my load in minutes.  I don't mind being a two minute brother, but she gets pissed because she can't even have an orgasm.  I would go down on her so she got off too but I can't stomach the fact that if I do that, I would be tasting my own man juice.  Any advice on lasting long enough so I can make her happy without possibly having her request I go down south and end up tasting my kids and losing her as my girl?

Quick on the Draw

Dear Quick on the Draw,

First of all man, that's a fucked up question.  Secondly, you're fucking gross.  I read your email and wanted to puke on myself.  I'm actually questioning why I'm posting this advice column as we speak.  PS - Thanks for giving me a limp dick for the rest of the day. Sick bastard.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on here.  Basically, you can't hold a load to save your life.  You haven't denied it, which is cool, but the fact of the matter is, a Dos Equis commercial has a better chance of getting your lady off than you do.  I'm not sure what causes dudes to bust a nut within a matter of a five minutes or less.  I don't know if it's the woman that is a total turn on or even the thought of a penis touching a wet vagina that gets the cock going....I have no clue.  What I do know is this...

If you don't get your shit together and make that dong of yours last until she curls her toes, you're fucked. In more ways than one my friend.

Chicks dig it when a guy blows his load.  Whether ON her or IN her, it feels like a sense of accomplishment to them.  It makes them feel as if they know how to work that cock like a forklift.  Understand though, that women expect men to have that same way of thinking.  To make a chick orgasm like you know how to drive with your fucking eyes closed.  Is it a fair trade?  The jury is still out.  But in the case of you wanting to keep your fuck streak alive?  You bet your sweet ass it's a fair trade.

People, boning is an art.  Nothing is worse than to fuck somebody and they underperform.  In this case, this is YOU.  I don't care how big a game people talk.  Saying and doing are two different things.  Once it's show time, your ass better be ready to bone like the shit is going out of style...and LAST.  The danger you seek could be pretty severe.  It sounds like once you're ready to rock, you cum within three dick pumps.  This is pretty fucking sad.  Three dick pumps?  C'mon man.  What the fuck is that?  Think about it...

There you are, after sex, lying in bed with a crusty ass cock and a big ass smile, while your girl is lying next to you.  Miserable.  Orgasm-less and dick juice seeping out of her vagina because you weren't able to pull your wang out on time and jizz on her back like she asked.  This seems to be a recurrence every time she does work and you leave her without a tip.  News flash amigo - keep this up and she'll be fucking your best friend.  Your best friend that you know loves to bang broads.  Your best friend that you guys nicknamed "the anaconda."  Your best friend that has boned more chicks then you and 5 other friends combined.  Yeah, that friend is now a serious candidate for lifetime mustache rides from your girl.  Lucky for you, I'm J-Wunder and I have a few solutions that could point your dick in the right direction.  Follow this list and you should be good to go.

1) - Get drunk but not too drunk.  Sounds weird right?  A little booze seems to give a dudes dong a little more punch.  Zip.  Stamina.  I don't know the scientific reason why but, for some reason, when you get a little wasted, so does the rest of your body, including your meat stick.  This is awesome because not only will you bone longer, but your girl will probably cum herself into a goddamn seizure because it feels so good.  A fair warning though...your ass gets too drunk, be prepared for a bad case of whiskey dick my friend.  Depending on your booze tolerance, 3-4 drinks should do the trick.

2) - Think of dead cats or your gym teacher.  I know, I'm a fucking weird mother fucker.  But remember sex is all about the moment and the intensity.  The NOW.  Why do you think some dudes cum so fucking fast?  Because when chicks start moaning and saying crazy shit like, "fuck me harder...spank me...choke me...punch me in the fucking face," dudes lose control and nut before the party was even getting started. That's why you need to think of something that keeps your dick hard but doesn't let you lose control when girls start to go on a verbal sexual tirade.  And what two better things to think about then dead cats and your gym teacher.  See, I don't even need to get into details, just think about those two things and your mind will go to a place that it doesn't want to go to.  You're welcome.

3) - Cock rings or sex pills.  I've never used a cock ring.  I almost did but was really weirded out for some reason.  I'm not a fan of jewelry I guess.  However, I heard this shit works wonders.  Not only for your sausage, but for the chick too.  I'll have to ask one of my buddies to write a column on this shit.  I'm sure they could go into much finer detail then me saying, "Cock rings are cool.  They look weird but make your dick pound that pussy for days."  Now sex pills are a different story.

My buddy that used to work for a porn store in San Diego about 5-6 years ago would always give me shit.  Everything from porno's to name it, the dude had everything a man or woman could ever dream of.  But the one thing I can say he gave me that worked wonders were these sex pills.  They weren't Viagra but some smaller dose of it I guess.  Anyway, taking one of those fucking things made your cock feel superhuman.  I mean, your cock would be so hard, you could break 2x4's with it.  I'm almost convinced that those pills worked so well that you could use your dick as a hammer on anything. It was truly fucking amazing.  So if I had a go-to, this would be my bread-and-butter.  Like my buddy use to say, "Fuck that vagina dry..."

So there you have it.  Don't be that guy that loses his girl to his big dick best friend because he can't last long enough to get his girl convulsing in the sack.  I get you like to blow your load.  All men do.  Don't resort to getting yours and opting to Plan B for your girl.  Just the thought of eating vagina and tasting your own man juice makes me want to punch someone right now.  You must have been presented with that option many times, huh?  Take a stab at these three solutions.  Hell, maybe doing all three at once will make you fuck your girl so good you could paralyze her ass.  That would be some shit wouldn't it?  Actually, if you can do that, I will never fuck again.  Seriously.

Good luck man!  May God guide you and your cock to true happiness and fucking.




Kristen said...

I don't understand why he didn't go down on her first before sticking it in.

Anonymous said...

no shit, go down on her and make her cum first and she will let you do whatever you want after and she won't care if you only last 2 min

isaac said...

J-Wunder is the shit

L-Train said...

"I'm not a fan of jewelry, I guess."

OMFG, I'm dying.

Anonymous said...

Punch me in the fucking face! Lmao hell Nah

Anonymous said...

J Wunder you're awesome...hilarious

Anonymous said...

You definitely go down on her first! or take a Percocet and drink two beers , you'll be on the poundtown express in about thirty minutes...

Anonymous said...

simple ..go down on her first after she has her moment then put it in after that she wont give a shit if you pump three times !! promise you that !!

KoolEMac said...

Lol I thought that too

Anonymous said...

It's called yohimbe bark or yohimbe extract. You can buy it at GNC or wherever. Opioids also work great. Pop a Vicodin a few hours before.

Anonymous said...

o m fucking g. Go down on her first - that will solve your pitiful man juice problem. Do not stop there, make sure she twitches, tightens, CUMS (being the key word here...duh), then relaxes. Only then should you do your two minute dick dance in her, you selfish prick. yes, pun intended.

Anonymous said...

OMGee-here's a thought-I won't let a guys dick get anywhere near my tunnel of love UNLESS he gets ME off FIRST! I am a multiple orgasmic squirting kind of girl and if you GET ME OFF FIRST-then YOU are gauranteed to have the best ride of your life...let me explain-by the time you slide your man meat inside me I am so hot and wet and turned on and ALREADY SATISFIED that I don't care if you only last 3 strokes! FAIR is FAIR!!
J Wunder-You usually give such great advice...THIS TIME YOU FAILED TERRIBLY!!!

Anonymous said...

^^^ You should write a blog since you seem to be an expert, said no one ever. Funny shit, J-Wun.

Anonymous said...

Definitely go down on your girl first if you are a minute man!! But first make sure you do a "finger fly by" to make sure that shit don't smell funky.....cause once you get past the belly button you better be ready to commit to the flick.

Anonymous said...

As a woman I will say from experience, work on me first if you are lame and are a two pump chump. Also, please note that we have told all our girlfriends you do this, so I might end up fucking your big dick best friend, but do not think you got a shot at any of my girls. THANK YOU

Melissa said...

Men really need to get it out of their heads that sex revolves around their dick. There is so much MORE to sex than just sticking it in ... i mean ..seriously..

Why dont men find it exciting to get their girl off? It is no big deal if he cums quick or not if they spend a lot of time having FUN with sex, doing OTHER things and making sure they both get off.

Women do NOT get their max pleasure from just hopping on and pumping.

Guys.. really... our sexual satisfaction is NOT all about your dick... YOU think it is, and thats the problem.

Think of your dick as the candle on the cake. If you dont make that cake ( get her turned on, excited, tease her, get her off) then that candle (your dick) is useless.

Sorry that porn has taught you other wise.
Sorry that you are so proud of your dick you think it rules the world.
But when it comes to sex, the FULL experience of sex, your dick is not number one.

Play with her HOURS before you have sex.. and I dont mean constantly..
Walk up behind her and hug her while lightly touching her breasts.
Is she in a skirt? ... put your hand up it while you are having dinner, tease her just a little.

Walk up to her and kiss her neck..things like that.

And SLOW the hell DOWN in the bedroom.. A good sex experience can last for hours.. If you are man enough to play with her that is.
Sounds like dude isnt like that though.
I feel sorry for his girlfriend.