Monday, December 6, 2010

The Virus

I'm not talking about a virus like gonorrhea or herpes, it's more along the lines of puking, diarrhea, fever, chills.  I'm miserable right now.  From 4am on Sunday, I puked my brains out every 20-30 minutes til 5/6pm.  I almost forgot to mention, on my way home, I had to grab my toiletry bag (which is basically a half gallon zip lock bag that carries these items - my deodorant and toothbrush) to dry heave while sitting in traffic (I'd give you the breakdown of why I was driving but that would take way too fucking long, so just roll with me people).  Do the math.  I was puking so bad that that I popped blood vessels in my face and now it looks like I have freckles.  Not.Cute.

The puking stopped, the fever and chills started.  I'm so dehydrated I think I've seen Santa Claus twice today.  My body hurts.  It feels as if I got my ass kicked by a bunch of high school kids with skateboards and those wallet chains (do they still sell those).

I finally ate some chicken noodle soup around 1pm.  Drank some Gatorade.  I'm not sure what pissing blood looks like, but I swear I think I'm pissing blood now.  I'm restless and have been taking short naps throughout the day.  I don't feel better.  At.All.  My bedroom smells like a convalescent home.  I was the last one in my house to get this awful virus.  The worst part is that my body is taking it to another level.

About 15 minutes ago, my stomach started rumbling and I ran to the bathroom.  Surprise, surprise - diarrhea.  Not your typical diarrhea either.  More like, diarrhea that makes your head turn type of diarrhea.  Since I'm home alone, I left the door open.  My dog came in and had this look of concern as I was shitting my brains out while my hands covered my face in pure disgust and anguish.  I took one look at my dog and from no where, she gagged.  That's how bad my shit was.  It made a dog gag.  An animal that licks its own ass, took one whiff of my shit then looked like she was going to throw up.

I'm miserable.  Am I being punished?  If this keeps up, my ass is heading to the doctor.  Seriously.  I have never been this sick in my life.  I'm still flustered at the look that my dog gave me.  Yeah, I think I might have to see a doctor tomorrow.

Time to get some rest.  I'm exhausted.


Danielle said...

and yet you still find a way to entertain us! Man, I hope you get better quick cuz that does not sound good at all!! Keep that shit over in your town please, thanks ;)

J-Wunder said...

Man, I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy.