"You do what, exactly?" - The "Special Project" Guy

In the next installment of "You do what, exactly?" we have a special story about a guy who does so little, that you're hesitant to even talk about him. Asking questions is a no-no because you might uncover a scandal so unethical and appalling that you'd be exiled to an island far, far away.

He's the guy that sat in the corner for two years. He was the first one to arrive, the last one to leave. He logged more hours at the office than any other person... doing what you ask? Watching porn. He always had headphones on, never turned away from the computer screen and always had a retarded grin on his face.  There were even times when he'd be there alone, late at night, and his hands were nowhere to be found.  True fucking story.

He ate a breakfast sandwich from a different place every morning.  I'm talking every fucking morning. You typically smelled weird odors coming from his desk...mostly food related. Sitting near him for 2 years caused the inside of my nose hairs to be singed.  

He tried not to speak a word to people while in the office, but when he drank with other co-workers, the dark side came out...picture, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A completely different person showed up.  A weird, sexual deviant arrived at company parties.  It became very apparent that he preferred "exotic" women (i.e., not white). But if they weren't 100% white, then he considered them exotic.  He once hooked up with the HR Director.   I'm still asking myself how the fuck that happened -- she had to have been blacked out and drugged.  But at that point, what the fuck does it matter, right? 

When I first started working at the company, I thought "he must be awesome to be able to swing having a job where he doesn't do a goddamn thing"...boy was I wrong.  After trying to talk to him for the first time, I learned that the dude was socially fucking awkward.  Anytime you would speak to him, it was as if the mother fucker was always talking like he was asking a question.  He literally got away with answering questions as goddamn questions, and not saying anything worthwhile for over 2 fucking years. I know, how the fuck does that make any sense?  But he did.  And it confused the living shit out of people.  On top of this, he would walk around the office and look scared out of his goddamn mind.  Everyday.   As if he was being chased by the Polish mob or something.  Even when the dude would smile, he looked scared as fuck.  Imagine that. 

It got to the point that the question had to be asked.  What the fuck does this guy do for our company? The question was asked to one person, then another...then two others.  130 people did not know what the fuck this guy did.   Except sit at his desk and look at shit.  Didn't know his title.  Never worked with him on any projects.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.   Zip.  How is that humanly possible to fly so far under the radar?  Was this mother fucker actually getting a paycheck?

No one, I mean no one, knew what the fuck this guy did for his job.  Apparently, he worked on "special projects," doing research.  How much fucking research could you do for two years?!  I thought that maybe he worked for one of those exchange programs where employers take on "special people" to do mundane tasks, in exchange for good karma.  But no, it was confirmed, this man was paid.  And paid a pretty decent salary at that.

So this is my final shout-out to the guy who watched all that goddamn porn on the company laptop: I sincerely hope you have found an answer on how to make a man's dick really grow 6 more inches. And if so, please share with the rest of us, buddy.