"You do what, exactly?" - The Passer Off-er

There is no arguing that some people work harder than others.

There is no arguing that some people are better at their jobs than others.

There is no arguing that some people are just frankly smarter than others.

Don't worry, this is not one of those rants. Things like that just can't be fixed.

I'm talking about when you stop dead in your tracks and realize that for some odd reason, that you're doing someone's fucking job FOR THEM. Last time I checked, I wasn't assigned to do bitch work. So how the fuck am I constantly being asked to do shit that isn't in my goddamn job description? Is there an employee shortage that I wasn't aware of since I am now doing work for two different departments now? Ain't this some shit. I'll hand it to these mother fuckers, they have a real talent for doing fucking nothing all day and getting credit for shit they don't do. I'm talking about those shady ass "Passer Off-er's".

Hey dick fuck, I get you're busy blowing your fucking boss underneath his desk, but do you really think I just sit at my desk and jack off to midget porn all goddamn day long? For your information numb nuts, I actually have a real position, and I got a lot more fucking responsibilities than you do. But for some strange reason, you think it's ok to give me your bullshit job duties. News flash vaginahontas: Your failure to plan, does not equal an emergency for me.

I mean, what do you fucking do for 8 hours besides kiss your bosses ass and fetch him fucking coffee all day? Wait, lemme guess...you have to do some highly confidential, phantom power point presentation because you think what you do for a job is actually meaningful? Get out of here with that bullshit...you think we don't know you get paid less than a McDonald's employee mother fucker? What are you looking for? Your fellow co-workers congratulating your sorry ass for saving up 3 months worth of pay to finally buy that shitty looking shirt you've been dying to have? Why don't you just wear fucking thigh highs while you're at it dick. You look like a goddamn tranny gone wrong, you silly cunt. Please note, the use of the word "cunt" is used differently in this situation then when describing Sammi on the Jersey Shore. If you are offended by my choice of descriptive language, please, by all means...go fuck yourself. But I digress...

I wish there was a rule where dumb fucks like this were allowed to get thrown out of windows for being...well, dumb. Fuck how everyone "just loves their personality and energy". I got energy too, and I'm about to use it by kicking their ass in the goddamn face and karate chopping them in the fucking nut sack. For fuck's sake man, what do these folks honestly do all fucking day again? That's right, NOTHING. Their ass is too busy passing shit off to other people because they don't even know what the fuck they do. Or should I say, they might just be too fucking stupid to do it. I swear they got one of those jobs where they're always "super busy" but everyone around them always asks, "how?"

How does someone that has no meaningful workload happen to stay busy? And when I say "busy," I mean work that doesn't apply to real life situations. Hey, the shredder is over there asshole. I'm sure you know how to stick paper in the goddamn slot yourself. I think I've seen you work harder in an 8 hour shift shopping on-line then actually doing whatever it is you call a job. And what is up with all the questions? Haven't you been here long enough, mother fucker? Your ass is still asking questions you were suppose to ask on day 1 of your goddamn employee orientation?

I guess most importantly I ask, why in fuck's sake did you decide to throw your goddamn work off on me? What did I ever do to you asshole? And WHY am I not getting paid your salary on top of mine?

The "Passer Off-er".  They exist...EVERYWHERE!  It doesn't matter what you do and what you know...these assholes love doing nothing all day and getting credit for shit they don't do.  Is it right?  If it was, would my fucking ass be writing this shit as we speak? Uhhh, NO.

All hard workers beware of the sonofabitch that could potentially make your lives miserable...

It's all fun and games until someone ends up on a milk carton, right?  

"You do what, exactly?" - The "Special Project" Guy

In the next installment of "You do what, exactly?" we have a special story about a guy who does so little, that you're hesitant to even talk about him. Asking questions is a no-no because you might uncover a scandal so unethical and appalling that you'd be exiled to an island far, far away.

He's the guy that sat in the corner for two years. He was the first one to arrive, the last one to leave. He logged more hours at the office than any other person... doing what you ask? Watching porn. He always had headphones on, never turned away from the computer screen and always had a retarded grin on his face.  There were even times when he'd be there alone, late at night, and his hands were nowhere to be found.  True fucking story.

He ate a breakfast sandwich from a different place every morning.  I'm talking every fucking morning. You typically smelled weird odors coming from his desk...mostly food related. Sitting near him for 2 years caused the inside of my nose hairs to be singed.  

He tried not to speak a word to people while in the office, but when he drank with other co-workers, the dark side came out...picture, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. A completely different person showed up.  A weird, sexual deviant arrived at company parties.  It became very apparent that he preferred "exotic" women (i.e., not white). But if they weren't 100% white, then he considered them exotic.  He once hooked up with the HR Director.   I'm still asking myself how the fuck that happened -- she had to have been blacked out and drugged.  But at that point, what the fuck does it matter, right? 

When I first started working at the company, I thought "he must be awesome to be able to swing having a job where he doesn't do a goddamn thing"...boy was I wrong.  After trying to talk to him for the first time, I learned that the dude was socially fucking awkward.  Anytime you would speak to him, it was as if the mother fucker was always talking like he was asking a question.  He literally got away with answering questions as goddamn questions, and not saying anything worthwhile for over 2 fucking years. I know, how the fuck does that make any sense?  But he did.  And it confused the living shit out of people.  On top of this, he would walk around the office and look scared out of his goddamn mind.  Everyday.   As if he was being chased by the Polish mob or something.  Even when the dude would smile, he looked scared as fuck.  Imagine that. 

It got to the point that the question had to be asked.  What the fuck does this guy do for our company? The question was asked to one person, then another...then two others.  130 people did not know what the fuck this guy did.   Except sit at his desk and look at shit.  Didn't know his title.  Never worked with him on any projects.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.   Zip.  How is that humanly possible to fly so far under the radar?  Was this mother fucker actually getting a paycheck?

No one, I mean no one, knew what the fuck this guy did for his job.  Apparently, he worked on "special projects," doing research.  How much fucking research could you do for two years?!  I thought that maybe he worked for one of those exchange programs where employers take on "special people" to do mundane tasks, in exchange for good karma.  But no, it was confirmed, this man was paid.  And paid a pretty decent salary at that.

So this is my final shout-out to the guy who watched all that goddamn porn on the company laptop: I sincerely hope you have found an answer on how to make a man's dick really grow 6 more inches. And if so, please share with the rest of us, buddy.

"You do what, exactly?" - An HR Dilemma

What better way to start off the very first "You do what, exactly?" column, then from yours truly, Ball Buster (via email).


If I asked you what you first think of when you hear "Director of Human Resources," what would you say?? I'll bet you'd start rambling about that old, crotchety bitch that walks around your office and reprimands people for doing stuff they enjoy. Well, I used to think that about HR too.

Yeah, HR usually "frowns" upon getting drunk at company parties, dropping the f-bomb in the middle of telling a racist joke, or even getting naked in front of co-workers... Yeah, like I said, they hate all the fun stuff about work. That's their job, love it or hate it.

Enter the Director of Human Resources at my previous job. This bitch pranced around the goddamn office with her nipples halfway out of her shirt, flirting with anyone with a penis, and sat around the company keg, getting half-lit on a Tuesday afternoon. I know what you're thinking, all fun and games, right? If the HR Director does it, you can get away with anything!

It wasn't until that fateful Thursday afternoon, when I walked into an empty meeting room in anticipation of hearing my boss tell me he was quitting (yeah, I already knew), and instead of my fucking retarded boss sitting there, it was her, the Director of Human Resources........NAKED. YEP, fucking topless, big-ass aureoles staring at me...about to poke my fucking eye out. Did she scream? Turn around and get super embarrassed? Apologize profusely? One would think. But nope, that's exactly what I did though. I ran from that fucking room asking myself, "What the fuck just happened and how does a female of that stature get blessed with nipples the size of pepperoni's?" Unfortunately, it didn't stop with a titty show.

Her next move was to follow me into the office next door and say the most audacious things I've ever heard... she looked me dead in the eye, smiled, and said, "Well, at least they're really fucking nice, huh?" To make matters worse, she ends the conversation with, "Well, I'm HR, so I guess you can't go to anyone and talk to them about it." WHAT.THE.FUCK.

NO. This woman was supposed to be the beacon of "wrong vs. right" in the office. That's what she was getting paid to do. So I fucking thought. Whose damn cock was she sucking that she got to walk about acting like a whore and getting drunk...Come the fuck on with that shit.

Now this may come as a surprise to you - I'm even shocked I'm saying it: I'm all for a casual work environment, but where in fuck's sake is the line? If HR is doing shit like this, I'm going to go so far passed the line, that I'm going to end up getting arrested!

Director of Human Resources? Shit. More like Director of "I Love Cock, Lets Keep this Between You and I" Resources.

New Column: "You do what, exactly?"

You ever wonder what some of your co-workers do for your employer?  And I'm not talking about giving them a bj under the desk or play two finger sex acts.  I'm being dead serious.  What's their job description?  What do they ACTUALLY fucking do 8 hours a day?

Why are they the first ones in the office and the last ones to leave?  Why is everything they do, a "special project"?  How come when you ask them what their title is, they describe what they do instead?  And that description they speak of, still doesn't make any fucking sense.

So fuck it...it's time to start a New Column called: "You do what, exactly?"

I want to hear from ALL OF YOU.  Not to just tell me fucking hello, but to tell me about these kinds of goddamn co-workers that we have all dealt with.  Anytime the "mailroom" guy ask what the fuck your co-worker does, then that's when shit ain't right. 

So lets try to make it right by writing me.  I promise, J-Wunder has an answer for everything.  And if I don't have an answer, I at least have something really fucking funny to say. 

Hit me up and don't be shy!!!!!

jwunder33@gmail.com

In Spanish that is:

jwunder33@gmail.com

Now hurry your asses up and email me something good so I can turn it into the next best thing!